Xmas sucks for the infertile people.

lots of up and down days

Well after a week and a half of feeling super depressed I finally starting feeling better. Or so I thought. Once I was mentally better I started pysically feeling bad.

lol it's not easy being me.......sigh

still feeling like shit

...wow so I hate being depressed and being unable to fix it.
It really sucks....It's been almost seven days since I feel like this and I do not like it. I am getting back to hermit mode where I do not wanna see people, hear people or be around people.
And of course people take you the wrong way when you stay away from them.
And who can blame them.
Maybe I have a hard time with x-mas coming up.
I don't know but I need to snap out of it.

man one of these days I will spend x-mas in Hawaii where nobody knows me and I will not have to pretend to be happy and not pretend I am not the black sheep or at least the odd ball in my family.
One day I will go to hawaii and be miserable for xmas by myself instead of with my family and their feuds and other issues they drag out for x-mas for the past 30 years.

one day.....sigh

I hate being hormonally challenged

so I have been in a bummed kinda goofy mood and don't even know why. Glad I have the weekend off now because I really hated being around people and really don't know why.
All I know is that I hate being hormonally challenged and in such a funk witout knowing why.

sigh

I am my own worst enemy ....

yet again I seem to be my own worst enemy.
I try so hard...I try so damn hard to be in a good mood and put on a brave face every day. I hate to cry because i think it is such a weakness. And i had to cry after trouble at work because then I think they have won.

Well according to my acupuncturist that is what is causing my stress. WORK of course and trying to be all happy. I need to cry.

Great!!!

I worked a double shift and cannot even relax or sleep so I got me a 8 oz bottle of one of those Smirnoff drinks at the gas station. Yeah the clerk looked at me all sad like he thought I do this all the time. No buddy, I usually do not get uselessly drunk so I can blare loud music into my headphones and have me a good cry.
No I do not....
because I am trying sooooo hard to be a mom that I had stopped drinking caffeine, stopped drinking alcohol, no junk food and I had lost 20 lbs and try to exercise to be a good and healthy mom.

But it seems every 3-4 months now I have to get drunk and have me a good cry to survive.

The stress at work is killing me, it is killing my efforts. And yet I cannot afford to quit because I need the money and the insurance.

Turns out stress shows up in the form of sinus problems. Stomach aches and problems.
And my latest and favorite. Chest pains. So bad that I think I cannot breath or go on at work.

So yet again by trying to do so good and be so brave I am my own worst enemy.

GREAT....

yeah life sucks and infertility sucks even more .....especially today.

I cannot remember the last time I felt this bad and fell this deep.

boring weekend

For some reason my hormones seem to be up and down or outta wack.
Friday I was in an all good mood.
And Saturday and today i was just kinda bummed and tired and just did not do anything all day long..

i hope it passed I like the happy me a lot better.
I like being in a good mood a lot better.

So hopefully I will snap out of it.
I better!!!!

I had a good day

So yesterday I had a really good day.
All my friends were busy and there is no more racing and I was feeling bummed and anxious all week so I decided to just have a fun day by myself.
And it was a good day and I got lotsa compliments.

First my dermatologist told me that I do so not look my age.
I was so baffled all I could do is say: "Thank You!"

Then the gals at my post office told me that I always look so nice whenever I do come in.( I do go there a lot since I sell on ebay).

Then I had lunch at my favorite restaurant. And did a little shopping for me at JCP.
And got great bargains so I was in a great mood.

And in the evening I went to TGIF with a friend that I had not seen in a few months and he told me I looked a lot younger since the last time he had seen me.
And this is a guy that does usually not even notice when I drastically change my hair color.

So damnnnn yesterday made me feel so good about myself. Maybe my 20 lbs weight loss is showing now. Or my new facial products I gifted myself last week?

Lol

whatever it is ...It feels soooo good, especially when ya left the house thinking you look like shit or at least not your best.

So now I am off to start another day and hopefully this will give me more confidence to interact with people and be around kids. Yesterday all I saw was pregnant women every where I went. I even made myself chit-chat with one about the due date...that was rough...but I did it.

So here I go off to another day.

feeling kinda blue today

So I am feeling kinda blue today....work was stressful.
When I left work I either wanted to cry or hit happy hour.
Well I did neither and went walking instead.
Made me kinda feel better.

But today was still weird...I was cry-whiny in my car and I almost
cried while walking.
Had to really pull myself together.

Strange day....but I refuse to give up and break down and cry.

Another day.........

...so I made it thru another day.

It had it's ups and downs but i managed to keep on smiling.

Yesterdays feelings of restlessness and anxiety gave me a huge stomach ache all day today.

But then it finally got better and I just refused to be in a bad mood.

So of I go to sleep getting ready for another day.

Jane Seymour commercial

So I am just watching TV and this commercial comes on with Jane Seymour selling her jewelry...and I hear her say the following


"If your heart is open love will find it's way in"


I just thought that was beautiful. And something I should definitely keep in mind and take to my heart more often...

Jeez now I get wisdom from commercials...sigh

feeling not so young but restless

Well today I am feeling really anxious and restless.

It is a very strange feeling and I am not used to it.
I kept logging on to my computer...logging of my computer....could not concentrate on anything on TV...and I am so not hungry which is very unusual for me.

It's like I have no patience to wait for the work week that has not started yet to be over. Or I cannot wait for Christmas to get here and be over. Or cannot wait to see the people I care about but yet I am anxious to leave them again.

A strange feeling indeed.

I am trying to shake it but I can't. And since it is Sunday evening I am worried that I will not be able to sleep. I have trouble on Sundays.

I had a great weekend and I got to spend an evening and half a day with a guy I really like. And I think he may like me. Or so it seems.

Maybe that is why I am feeling weird....

Because I know eventually I would have to tell him about all my issues and hope he may not care...

I don't know what makes me feel so weird today but I hope it goes away.
I cannot predict or change the future regardless....so why can I not just sit still and quiet and see what it brings me?

keeping the positive going...

....so I am trying to be happy just for the hell of it...lol
I had a great afternoon. Bought me something nice and expensive at Bath & Body Works.
Then treated me to a nice Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks and sat on a bench in the sun for 2 hours just enjoying the day and the people.
And I had such positive thoughts going and was in such a good mood I could even smile at the little kids walking by without tears coming to my eyes or bitterness coming to my heart...it was nice.

I enjoyed just being there ....sitting in the sun.

I am very proud of myself today.

on a positive note

so on a positive note...as of today I have lost 19.7 lbs and I am very proud of myself....originally I wanted to loose 20 more but maybe i will just go for 10...
I don't wanna be a size 7 again....I like myself a little fuller.

So this is a good thing and I feel good about it so i am building onto this positive thing in my life and go from there.

Hey sometimes I think...hey it's just life how hard can that be?

The other night I had a really stupid dream that kinda freaked me out when I woke up.
After years of wanting a baby in my dream I finally had one..and I was living with my mom. The baby was wrapped tight in a blanket and laying on top of a chest of drawers peacefully sleeping all day. And I would just sit in the same room in a chair watching it. And people would come into the room and ask me if I had been feeding the baby or done anything with it...and I just sat there because I did not know I had to do all that.
Ahhh what I nightmare I woke up and felt horrible. I finally had a baby and had either no interest or no clue....
dear god...I was bummed and depressed all day and then I finally snapped out of it.

I hate when the mind place stupid tricks on ya.

BUT today I will have a wonderful day....because I choose to.

tired of it all

Well I have not been feeling well and still don't know what to do.
I am just always tired.

sigh

I really wanted to start back with egg donation....but now it is so close to x-mas and nothing happens over x-mas.
Also work is more stressful than ever and stress will make it not work.

Also members of my family are letting me know of job offers back home.
But in order to move I would have to be pregnant since egg donation is not allowed in the country I would move home to.

So I am like f-d either way again.
I wish I could just p/u move and worry about a baby later but I am running way out of time on that one...

what am I supposed to do?

still confused

well I am still confused about life.
with the economy being so bad I am afraid to loose my job or get my hours cut
and there already has been unpleasant changes at work. So i worry and I stress
and neither one is gonna get me pregnant.
It's like a never ending vicious cycle....for me.
while there is people out there that do drugs and drink and randomly have sex with tons of people but they do get pregnant and then treat their kids like shit or kill them....

heck someone explain that to me!!!

3am and I cannot sleep

well I could not sleep last night and I figured it is just my usual Sunday night anxiety of oh-my-god-I-have-to-go-back-to-work-on-Monday.
But here I am 3am on Tuesday morning. Guess I could sleep even less on Monday night.
I went to bed with already a few thoughts on my mind and figured I will forget and go to sleep.....yeah right....that did not work out. The more I laid in bed and watched TV the more I started thinking and the more I started daydreaming. Then at
1am in the morning I decided to call one of my co-workers so she can wake me up in the morning. She immediately started telling me a lot of stuff that she needed to get of her chest which stressed me out even more...so now it is 3am and I decided to blog to clear my head. And in addition I am having a glass or Merlot that will either make me goofy enough or drunk enough to go to sleep.

Wow I do not even know where to start. My awesome-stress-and-infertility-thought-free-vacation already seems like a hundred years ago. First of every one at my work is worried about getting their hours cut or loosing their job. It has happened to many in the same field. Then my car is giving me trouble again. The A/C seems to be going out and it smells like it's gonna die again. So I already am worried about all these things.
And mostly I still have not decided yet when I will go back to egg donation. I have another b-day coming up and it is not making this any easier...

I am still too chicken to tell my parents about this and it is making me sad and I feel soooooo f-ing guilty....but I can't.

I am trying so hard to keep positive and just live my life but it is not easy.
I don't hardly drink anymore, I don't go out, I don't date. I don't do anything.
And to make matters worse I had one of my customers hit on me before I left for my vacation. I used to be such a flirty and outgoing person. Well I am so out of it that I first didn't even realize that I got hit on. And then I felt like an idiot and got almost kinda flustered. He told me I had his number now and to call him.
Well I had family in town and then went on vacation 3 days later and never got the chance....but I also did not want him to think I was blowing him of so I texted him and let him know that. And we have kinda been texting ever since. Yes I was too chicken to call and apparently so is he since we are still texting.
But I am thinking why even bother. He lives in another state and lets face it I have far to many issues that I would eventually have to tell him about so why even bother.
Why?
Easy!!! Because it makes me feel so good that someone actually liked me and thought that I was cute and wanted to get to know me. So needless to say I started dreaming...and then of course I wake up and realize no guy is ever gonna want me with all my problems....so it is just a matter of time.
And then I have to tell him and he will be gone.

Wow wine at 3am makes me more sad.....but hey maybe crying will make me feel better or tired.

A few hours ago I was listening to a friend who was telling me about her son getting a divorce and seeking custody of his kids because his wife cheated on him while he was in Iraq and the kids had to see it all and plus she did not like the military life and just likes to party. Wow stories like that just floor me.....here I am I would die to just have one child. Hell I would die to have a guy tell me that he loves me soo much that he wants to have a child with or heck I would just love to have a guy tell me that he wants to have a child with me.....(without it being just a plot to get me into bed) and here is this woman that leaves all that behind.
I was married once to a guy in the military....and all I wanted is a baby and be a stay at home mom and I would have happily cleaned and taken care of a child or children and my husband....but I never got so lucky. I don't understand these women that have it all and throw it away. I am not saying I never cheated on anyone but in front of my kids, I could have never done that. The few people in my life that I cheated on I feel like life as already paid me back for. I did once cheat on a guy that was in Saudi Arabia with a guy that I once thought was the love of my life and he ended up cheating on me so many times and even with my best friend. So I ruined it with a good guy for a handsome asshole....and boy did I pay for it. The guy I cheated on is now still my friend and has been for almost 20 years. And I sometimes wonder what could have been.
But then I think I would have somehow messed it up anyway.

And the guy I once was married to all but asked me to marry him again...(actually I think he did..I am A LITTLE SLOW) a few years back and all I could do is tell him no because I already had genital herpes and I of course would not want to pass that on to him. Other than that I think I would have wanted to. I think that was a few month before I found out about my female issues. I don't remember. All I remmeber is thinking how fucking too late it is for me.... Oh it makes me so mad, when we were married we were apparently to immature, jealous and just too stupid to keep it together and later we would not have the chance to try again. Boy life is not fair.

And when I cannot sleep I will always go back in time and wonder how I could have lived my life different...would I have lived it right....?
or is there a right way....or would I have learned from ANY of my mistakes?
Maybe not!
But the mind is always trying to hold on to the thought that yes I could go back and do better. But the older I get I think I may have made the same mistakes.



Well it is 3:28 and I am still not tired enough to sleep.

Guess I will have to give up on sleep...lol...and now that I am working on glass of wine no.3....do I get a hangover in the next hour?!?....oh brother....guess I will find out.

Sigh....I am so not used to drinking anymore...but it seemed like a good idea.
My poor cat has been wondering for the last two hours why I have the lights on and am typing away on my laptop like a mad woman....

Well I am thinking very strongly that I am gonna throw myself into a little bit more of debt this week and finally get another tattoo to give me strength to go on. I have several things in mind and would like to see someone draw them up so I can see it.
I think that it's just something I need to do...to pick up more strength and keep me going.

Well it is now 4:20am...one more hour and my first alarm will go off.
Oh boy it is gonna be a looooong Tuesday. But hey lets stay positive I am gonna get up in an hour, take a shower...maybe wash my hair and go to work as normal, try to have a good day and then go home and die...lol
I am gonna be so damn tired....will need caffeine in the morn for sure.
Yes I had all but given up caffeine in order to be pregnant and be a mom
Well fuck it I am not anywhere near fraking pregnant and will have me some caffeine...
am so tired of cutting everything out of my life....and for what?

Well it is 4:38 and I am obviously not going to sleep...little toooo late now.
I would never wake up.
So i am gonna get up and take a shower and then I am gonna go to work...paste on a smile...and act like nothing ever happened and deep down I will be miserable as every day...and deep down I will still know...hello I cannot have children no matter how happy I act and no matter how much of a fake smile I will post on my lips that will be all pretty and red in just a few hours.

Caffeine here I come...

trying to get used to my life again

so now I am back in my reality...and I am trying to feel okay about it and be positive about it.

back to what is my life

So I had a great vacation and there was even several days that I forgot I was not normal...I was just a happy traveller amongst others. Nobody knew I was not a normal woman. And it was nice.....BUT

now I am back to what I call my shitty life...and it all came back to me and my life still sucks...or more so even now since I had 11 days of almost happiness.

so now I am just bummed

taking another break from a break

So I am already on break form egg donation and was trying acupuncture for almost a year now...no success at least not for the using of my own eggs.

Anyways so now I am taking a break from everything and am gonna go on a little vacation and then I am pretty sure I will go back to egg donation. Lets face it I may run outta time here soon altogether....

So lets hope I can relax enough to enjoy my vacation....we shall see!!
I am gonna try to have fun and enjoy every minute of it.

back to egg donation?!?!

so I think I have made up my mind? or haven't I?

Why do I care so much if I have a child with my egg or someone else's?
Let's face it how many kids do not look like their parents?
My cousin has two kids and one looks nothing like her or her husband.
Why do i care?
shouldn't I just want a child? Let's face it I am not getting any younger.

just tired

Today I am jsut tired and a little confused.
I slept till noon....and now I have no energy and don't feel like doing anything or even being awake...too lazy to go a litle shopping and to make me anything to eat.
i jsut kinda don't care about anything today.

a poem I came accross

Rod McKuen once wrote in one of his poems:

"I live alone.
It hasn't always been that way,
but for a time
I've had to stay within myself.
Still, it's nice somethimes
to open up the heart a little
and let some hurt come in.
It proves you're still alive..."


I like it and I feel that way

Holding on

so I am once more holding on for strength.
I am not sure what to do.
And work is stressful. some of my so-called friends dump loads of their family problems on me....and I do not wanna hear it. It stresses me out. I have not been sleeping well and if I do sleep I have night mares or I keep waking up. then I was all excited or tried to be to go home for x-mas and I already got family drama dumped on me too. So my excitement about going home for x-mas has already turned into big anxiety and a must not a joyful vacation from my daily stress.

I came to the conclusion today that people seem to think I am made of stone and they can just tell me anything and I do not care...
well newsflash I do...and it stops me from freaking sleeping at night...
jeeeez

Why are people so selfish...gosh suck it up and keep it to yourself...I DO...I HAVE TO every freaking day.

I can't cry

Well I feel like I should cry since I most likely have to give up the idea of having a child with my own eggs and have to go back to egg donation.
But somehow I seem to be used to dissapointments and all negative happening and don't even know how to cry.
I left a message for my shrink because I figured I should talk, but surprise now she does not want to see me...told me she is booked to call back in a month....well ain't that nice.........thanks.....that does not make me feel at all rejected.
shit if your shrink does not want anything to do with ya.

Oh boy!
I am just defeated, tired, anxious and very clueless on what to do.
I am tired of being moody, feeling like shit everyday and tired of waiting, tired of my job and my so called friends..........I am just tired....wish I could do an early wintersleep and jsut sleep for 6-8 months.

another good

Too explain my idiot behaviour as a so called friend for the past two years I let someone read my blog that knows me well. I was very scared to do so but I was also not in a condition to be able to explain myself.
Wish I would have told him sooner instead of the people I did.
This will give me hope that I might be able to tell my mom.
We shall see.

the good and the bad

Today I just can't even find a reason to get out of bed.
To clean the house? why, nobody sees it.
To go grocery shopping like every Saturday? too upset to eat.
to go buy some clothes and look cute? Nobody might see me in them.
Plus I am having one of those days where I am not sure if I can handle
seing kids or families. Sounds stupid.
So I decided to try to find the positive. And here it is.
I grew up. Every since I was 16 years old whenever things would not go well or I would be really upset I would get drunk and just party with friends. Yesterday I was soo upset that I just wanted to go to happy hour. But then I thought about it and it just did not make any sense to me. I don't really like alcohol anymore. Last time I got drunk at my house a few months back I felt bad and guilty the next day. Weird.
So I guess this is a good thing!??!.
Yeah I think it is. I have learned to deal with failure better. I did not have a major breakdown I just kept busy.
So this is a positive thing. LOL

So now I am gonna put on my cute new dress from QVC and I am gonna go to TARGET.
And I am gonna buy me something cute (yes shopping is my new alcohol, but I keep it under control) and I am gonna try to be in a good mood.

so here I go...

FSH level sucks

mood? devastated

my FSH level is 28....which is horrible
I admit I had kinda gotten my hopes up since it was 13 last months. I was prepared for no improvement but this I was not prepared for.

I almost had a panic attack and cry attack in my car.
Then I wanted to go out and get drunk.

Now I don't know what to do ...heck I don't even drink anymore.
Right now I can't even cry.

I don't even know what to say or write

bad weekend

well I had another bad weekend.
Horrible headache and back ache.
Not sure why.
I finally feel better but I am drained and discouraged once more.

How much longer?

not sure how this is going

Well this blog was supposed to be about my road to pregnancy. well it has been two years and no i am not pregnant. I am not sure how much longer I can keep this up. financally and emotionally. This month I thought I was doing so well and I was convinved that my FSH level is gonna be better than last month. But then last week my acupuncturist put me on some new herbal drops instead of my regular pills and I started feeling all depressed and anzious and started sleeping really nbad and I think I have hot flashes again. I am kinda devastated because i feel like I got thrown several months back. It is so discouraging amd I am having a hard time holding on. Why can't this be a joyous time for me like it is for others. I just wanna be pregnant. It seems so easy for soo many. Why not me/

I have put my life on hold for almost 2 years. I do not plan vacations or anyhting because I do not know when and if I will be pregnant. So I am missing out on a regular life. And it is getting harder and harder.

feeling good

I am feeling good and waiting for my FSH level to get below 10.
Got a few more weeks for another test. I am hopeful and feel well and try to keep stress free which is not easy at my job.
I have my ups and downs, especially when everyone is trying to show of their new babies to me. But I am learning to cope. Hey lets face it it is not thier fault they can have them and I have trouble with it.

I am trying, I am dealing and I think I am doing farely well. Even without my shrink for now.

FSH level

Well I have done another blood test to check my FSH level and the number is 13.
Which is still not good. The clinic wants it under 10.
But considering that 2 years ago it was 20 I am kinda happy.
Other than that life has not been good and i am trying my hardest to keep calm and stress free to not mess up my fertility possibilities.
I am not gonna be defeated by other people bringing negative energy into my life.
I refuse too.
So I am gonna stay calm and keep going no matter what live throws in my way.
There has got to be light at the end of the tunnel.I know there has to be.

Hanging in there....

as usual.
My mood is good and I am not done yet.
Hopefully good news this months.
If not it may be back to egg donation.
I am tired of waiting...wanna be a mommy
before I am 50

lol

feeling better

Wow finally feeling a little better again.
Except for a little anxiety and a backache.

I have a long weekend off and I am gonna try to do a lot of nice
and relaxing things. Also I need to get back to swimming..its been
almost 2 weeks.

So I am gonna keep going!!!

hope for me yet?

I read on one of my favorite blogs today that this 70 year old woman gave birth to twins recently with invitro.......guess there should be help for me yet since I am 30 years younger?
lol
this world is crazy.

I just want one chance

What if I am running out of time?

Well this month my chart is saying I did not ovulate so that kinda worries me.
Today I have had the worst cramps I have had in like 12 years. I almost called 911 whwn I could not breath and was about to pass out. It was scary.

I guess I need to either go to my clinic or gyno to make sure I am okay.

But I am not giving up.

going stronger

I am trying to get back in a little bit of shape and trying to shed a few pounds and eat more healthy and be more happy and hopefully things will click and fall into place

tough road ahead still

Well the last few weeks have been really tough.
But I need to keep believing that there is a light at the end of this tunnel.
So I continue with my accupuncture and I am trying to remain calm and cool.
And I will continue one day at the time.

It is not easy but hey who's life is easy.

Maybe I should just give up

Well here I am going thru doubts and mild depression again while everyone around me is having babies....

I am not sure I can do this anymore....my whole life is infertility...I cannot remember any happy days in my life.....days where I do not think about this.

I don't know!!!

start of another cycle

And here goes the start of another cycle.....We shall see how it goes.
I am in good spirits. I have cut back on my overtime. And I am trying to be positive about things. I try to do things that make me happy or at least keep me somewhat calm and normal...lol

Acupuncture has changed my life now lets just hope it will change the most important thing in my life.
I will keep posting.

decreasing or eliminating stress

this is my goal for this month...eliminate or at least reduce stress.
Good sleep. At least 7-8 hours and less stress.
My life or anything that is important im my life depends on.
So I will give this my best.

Infertility is getting the best of me!!

Well a lot of not so good things have happened.
Apparently my stress level is hindering my process.
My acupuncturist had a good lil talking to me. And trust me finding out that u are your own worst enemy is not a great feeling.
Finding out that the job u used to love makes u miserable, not good either.
But I have no self-esteem, no clothes that fit me and no confidence that I will find a job right now. I am way to scared. So I try to make the best out of this one.
I only worked 3 days this week and look and feel like shit.
I am not sure what I am gonna do.
And then I hurt my back and now we are treating that so I can walk, then we go back to my female issues. Also since I cannot work extra hours right now.....money is low.

Gosh I need a break.

Someone throw me a bone...can't something decent happen to me?

don't feel like posting right now

I don't much feel like spilling my guts on blog these days.
I also injured my back and are now working on that before I worry about my infertility again.

struggling

I am tired of waiting....maybe having a child of my own is not worth it.
maybe I should adopt......I am tired of being depressed and miserable.
I am always depressed...I either drink, eat or shop...mor so eating and shopping
and the bigger I get the more miserable I get.
On the weekends i don't even wanna get outta bed.

All I do is work to pay my insane medical bills.......yeah what a live.

Trying to do better

Well I am trying my hardest to do better emotionally. I am tired of being moody an depressed. I have no energy to do nothing.
And I am sooo tired of it.
I am seriously considering doing weight watchers again. I put off loosing weight and exercising for 2 years almost because I thought I would be pregnant at any time.
yeah right....
could have lost half of me by now or look like a body builder....lol

i just wish I would have the willpower to wanna succeed at anything like a diet.
I get depressed I eat......
but I do need to get out of this slump

sigh.............I must keep going

Infertility sucks

I have just started a new cycle so I am trying to be all positive no matter how much like shit I feel no matter how depressed I am.
I gotta keep going...I just have to.......
So I continue to measure my temp like a good girl and keep on smiling no matter how bad I feel.

I will not let this get me down........ I can do this

don't wanna do this anymore

Well my female stuff is more messed up then ever...2 periods within 2 weeks...althought this one is more my normal date.
I don't hold out much hope anymore for ever having my own child.
All I see right now is me soending thousands and thousands of money every month
and I got nothing to show for.
Heck I could have had a complete body makeover for all the money I have spent.
Or taken a trip around the whole damn world...not that I would have enjoyed it.
Heck I don't enjoy anything anymore. I have been in this rut that I cannot get out. I never have any energy for anything....Cleaning or shopping or anything.
The only thing I do is go to work so I can pay of my debt. And half the time I do not even know how I dragged myself to work. Guess I only go there because it pays my outragous bills...
Other than that I do not even wanna leave the house. I feel fat, ugly and like a broken woman...not a real woman and I feel like everyone looks at me like that poor childless woman that is to stupid to have children.

I am just so tired of defining my whole life by this one thing that is wrong with me that affects everything and has for about two years.

I am just not me anymore.........and I HATE IT

still all messed up

still no good news here....seems like things are getting worse and I just wanna stop everything I am doing ...take a break from it all and pretend I am a normal fertile woman.......

as if........yeah right

I don't know ......

...anymore........
I have just had nothing good happening to me lately........
I feel like I am going thru a series of tests ....to see how much I can take.
Well I can't take no more.
But I refuse to accept that I will never have a child or children regardless of what other bullshit happens to me.

I feel blue, depressed and just worthless........

My ovulation chart is all messed up again........it was perfect for several months and the last two it has been totally off. Also I keep forgetting to take my temperature in the morning.

Well here it is another Friday night and I will sit here depressed........

I need some good news....a kind word..........something

bouncing back

so I am bouncing back slowly but steadily....
This blog was supposed to be about getting pregnant one way or another. Here lately it has just been about me feeling like shit.

I need new energy, new goals and I need to make this happen.

feeling a little better

So I am feeling a little better. I got a facial, colored my hair and decided when ya feel like shit you should look good.......sigh

I am not sure how much longer I wanna deal with fertility issues....its all getting old and soooo much money down the drain and nothing to show for. I could have bought a car or went on a vacation around the world. I read about all these people that have great success with acupuncture and Xango why can't I have some better results with anything I do?
I am tired of being the loser........I wanna have some luck..........I want something to go right for me..........

I don't wanna go to work with a pasted smile on every day....I wanna be genuinely happy .....I have been trying so hard.....

I am so tired

of bad news...I was just thinking this week that I need a break. That life needed to throw me some kinda bone that makes me wanna continue on.

But all I got is my my five year old car smoking and dying on the Interstate.......sigh.....I took it fairly calm and then started waiting for my nervous breakdown. That did not happen. But I am having such a hard time just going on with a smile at work or interacting with people period. As soon as I am alone in the bathroom or in my car the tears just start rolling. I have just had enough. Also I had to tell the cutest, sweetest nicest man I have met in 10 years or longer, today that I have genital herpes (yes on top of all my fertility problems). Needless to say the wonderful evening of kissing I had yesterday is probably not gonna repeat itself. I am so depressed I don't even know how to set one foot in front of the other today. I just wish I could go back and fix my life. I have known him for about 10 years and we always just emailed and texted and then decided to meet. We had so much chemistry and he is a true Knight in shining Armor, a true gentleman and treats a woman right. And I have nothing to give him but friendship.......too late for my Knight in so many ways.

Gosh I wish I could just crawl in a hole and sleep for 3 weeks.

wanna roll over and give up.....

But I am NOT going to. Hell no!
Well I did my blood test on the 2nd day of my period. I got my results. Estrogen 100 and it supposed to be 50....well shit. Also I have a cyst....well what else is new....I have them all the time.
So I was a little devastated yesterday....I thought I was prepared...
I kinda felt like smoking a cigarette and I haven't smoked in ten years. Then I felt like getting uselessly drunk but I think I am to grown up for that now..lol...plus I wanna be a mom and not get drunk because I cannot handle being disappointed. Wow I am growing up. Sigh!
I also don't wanna eat to make me happy anymore. I can handle this. One way or another I am gonna have a child, and I am not gonna get drunk when I am upset, I am not gonna start smoking and I am not gonna continue to shuffle food into me.
As of this week I will exercise again. I want my body back that I had before all this started.
I bought a total gym and I am gonna use it.
Hell NO I am not giving up. I will be back at the clinic in 30 days for another test. And then we shall see.

I am not sure how I do it....but I am handling this all better than I would have given myself credit for.

I rock!!!

little less panicked

So I am a little less panicked now. My chart finally does show that I ovulated. Later than, way later than usual....but oh well I did ovulate.
So now all I have to do is wait for my period to go get my FSH Level tested.
Thanks to my acupuncture treatments I hardly have any PMS symptoms except that I feel tired with no energy today.
But that is fine I don't have to do anything today....maybe a little laundry and cleaning up while watching lots of TV.

still not sure what is happening with me

Well I am in better spirits and i have more energy than I have had in a long time.
But other then that things are not going so well....I know that travelling and stress can mess with your ovulation or your period but I am still a little worried that I might for the first time ever in my life not have a period. But I also went to one of my acupuncture treatments today and voiced my issues and concerns and we worked on my problems and on my way home I felt slight cramping and back aches......lol and that after complaining that I have had no PMS symptoms besides one pimple.
Heck for more than 20 years I used to PMS for almost two weeks (filled with every symptom on he planet) and now that acupuncture got rid of my PMS symptoms I am complaining and worried.
Little nuts.

Well regardless if acupuncture won't fix my messed up female parts...it fixed my sinus and my headaches/migraines and my PMS.
So it was worth it anyway.
Also I am taking Chinese herbs and XANGO(www.xango.com). None of this is cheap but it is worth it to me.
So lets see what is gonna happen.
I am glad I am in better spirits.

sigh

Today is my first day of in two weeks and I woke up at 6am because I forgot to turn off my alarm. And then of course I could not go back to sleep. And I already feel like crap early in the morning. Yeah!!!
My place needs lots of TLC and lotsa cleaning but I already feel tired and without energy.
Oh and I am tired of blogging or talking about it too....so I am gonna go have another cup of decaf and hope for a better mood........sigh

still discouraged and don't know anymore

Well I am very discouraged with this whole "s..t".
My temperature chart for this month is all screwed up and I am very sure I did not ovulate. I am so in tune with this whole ovulation thing and temperature thing now that I noticed right away. Plus I had some hot flashes again so now I am afraid that all my hard work with acupuncture was for the birds. And I am supposed to see my nurse at the clinic when I get my period to test to see about my FSH level. Well if I don't ovulate I am sure that is gonna be high again too. I am so frustrated my last three cycles were so perfect looking.
Now I am all freaked out that it may have to do with all the overtime and crazy ours I have worked this month. And all I try to do is just pay of all my debt from the medical bills, fertility clinic and acupuncture.
And I cancelled my appointment with my psychiatrist.
I just got tired of talking about myself plus going there also made me realize I obviously have some more issues than just my obvious one. And talking about me and my screwed up life just made me more miserable.

Right now I just feel like a hamster in one of those wheels. I keep running and going and I am just not getting anywhere.

I am almost ready to give up......

not even shopping makes me happy, I just take stuff back.

still blue

...still feeling blue

and can't shake it.

struggling with my infertility

I am not sure what has changed but I am struggling with everything all of a sudden.
Maybe my little vacation let me see that every one else in my family is normal, or what I consider normal. Married with kids. Sigh. I just feel like my life sucks big time. And I am tired of coping and smiling and telling myself it will ab be okay and worth while.

I thought I had made such great progress. But now I am scared that I may not have. I have been charting my cycle for months now. And when I called my clinic to make an appointment to do some tests to see if my own eggs are gonna work there was a big confusion and I realized I am just a number to them and they had no idea who I was it seemed. That really threw me for a loop. But my psychiatrist which works with the clinic says she has a lot of people complaining about that so it is not just me.
Anyways they do not care about any charts or any progress with acupuncture or anything they are gonna just have me come in on the second day of my period and that will determine how my life continues....I hate it....even my psychiatrist said to be prepared for the bad news to think that my own eggs won't work....well great

Plus my sessions with psychiatrist used to make me feel better, more energized more happy but now i am starting to realize that there is a whole lot more shit wrong with me than just my fertility issues and now i dread going because it makes me more sad and depressed. All stuff I don't wanna think or talk about that gets tied in now.
I just am at a point where I am not as strong as I thought I was and I just wanna crumble on the floor and cry and don't get up for days.

this is one of the times I wish I had someone to shares this with.

Ahhhh gosh.......my life just sucks.....sigh

still here

So I am back from a little vacation....back to work back to stress and back to what is my life.
I guess I am getting ready to make an appointment with my clinic to see how my stuff is doing. I am tired, I am scared and I just don't wanna think about my issues....I am tired on putting my life on hold....I wanna go on.....gosh I am grumpy today....
well I will be better tomorrow......

sigh...

....not sure what's going on with me this month...my temp. chart is of the wall, and I don't think I have ovulated....I am a little down....and I cannot sleep or relax anymore...the harder I try the worse it gets....hmmmm]

but as usual I am not giving up.

feeling better today

Okay so my acupuncture treatment today made me feel better.
Wednesday I have an appointment with my psychiatrist.
And NASCAR season starts....
so I am gonna be okay.
I feel a lot better today.
Thank goodness....I was a lil worried.

I feel down and have more than the blues...

These days I feel like shit.
The painkillers I took for my sinus pain when I had this aweful cold. the past few weeks
messed up my stomach and I probably have an ulcer.
I had been doing so good. I was confident in myself and my progress.
Now I feel miserable, depressed and very stressed.
Eating gives me heartburn for 4-6 hours.....I am crying all the time for nothing, I am depressed.
Everything bothers me....this sucks...

And I don't know how to fix it.
And I am for once gonna have a hard time putting that smile back on my face and keep going.
Dear God I just wanna be normal. No issues!
Sigh.

Smile....I wow I am gonna make it....I will be okay.....(and I write this with tears streaming down my cheeks)

I am once again hanging in there

Once again I am just hanging in there....waiting...which I am no good at.

Waiting till I get the green light to go to the clinic and test my hopefully revived eggs.

So I get the blues a little but I am in no way letting myself be depressed.

I figured out that I am so much stringer then I thought I was so I am gonna continue on with this journey. I don't even mind anymore that I do it all by myself... I am okay with it.

I am looking forward to the cycle that just started...hopefully it goes well.

finally getting over my cold

Well I am finally getting over this aweful cold.
Boy I think this is the worst cold I have ever had in my life.
And I am so glad I can go on with my life.
Since I have weekly acupuncture treatments I have to work a lot of overtime
to keep up and pay of my debt at the infertility clinic. So being sick and working
50-60 hours has been very draining. So I am looking forward to feeling better
every day so I can cope with normal daily life.

Still dragging around a cold

Well I am still dragging around a cold. I have had my face swollen for days, my sinus to be precise. And I have had real bad sinus pains.
Thank goodness I had an acupuncture appointment today....one treatment cleared out my nose in 20 minutes and I could breathe....first time this week through my nose.
yeahhhh!

But I have also taken so many pain killers in the last two days that I started having real bad heart burn that has lasted for the last several hours.
But I guess my cold is almost over and I can concentrate on life again.

Freaking out a bit!

This week I got some bad news about my mom...she had a little health scare.
She is so healthy and she exercises...this really freaked me out.
And now I feel a new urgency about getting pregnant....I want my parents to have a grandchild.
I want them to see them grow up.

I feel like crap.

But I am smiling, my cold, my bad news and all.
I will just keep going......I will be okay

Got a lil cold

I have a cold and it is throwing of my temperature and it is making me feel like shooot.But I got some herbal drops to make me feel better and I am drinking tea with honey.Just my sinus headache is getting to me and I can't tap that one away I found out today.Only normal headaches...lol and I thought I was doing something wrong.

tapping

My acupuncturist has recently showed me how to tap away a headache.
And it worked for me when I tried it. But this week I have been extremely tired and finally came down with a little bit of a cold accompanied with a headache. I tried tapping and taking all positive but I guess I could not get my brain to believe me.
I also did some research on the net and found a really helpful website.

www.tapping.com

Turns out everything in your life is better when you are more positive.
I gotta really work on this and the relaxing part...so I can finally sleep.
I thought I was a lot more positive and a lot more easy going....but I still
have trouble sleeping.....or getting relaxed enough to go to sleep.

So I am a work in progress....and I am not giving up.

I was thinking .....

that even if acupuncture does not make me pregnant with my own eggs I still am in a better place than I was last year at this time.

I am more positive, I have less stress, I have way less headaches and migraines and I am not just angry and bitter about my situation.

It makes my life better ....and that is good.

still doing good

So my acupuncturist is not worried about my slightly confusing temperature chart.

He is confident that i am doing good. And so am I.

Hey I have seen so many positive changes in my body.......so I know acupuncture is working.

I am very confident about my treatments.

And I really feel good. I am a lot less stressed.

so maybe I did not ovulate...sigh

Well today entered my temperatures for the last two days in my temp. chart and yesterday my temperature was too low and then high again today...so now my chart shows I did not ovulate.....well damned.

Plus when it said I ovulated I did not feel anything...but yesterday and today I felt some tweaking so I am not sure what's going on....sigh

but heck I will ovulate I don't care when.

Positive!!!! is my motto and I try to hold on to it! SMILE

I am mostly a veteran Barbie....lol

Many thanks to the comments I get.
I used to think I am the only one, so much felt like a freak of nature. Is it me or have there been more pregnant people in 2007 then ever before. Hell they are everywhere. When someone at work announced they are pregnant I kept "this smile" pasted to my face until it hurt and then went to the bathroom to have a mini nervous breakdown, but not enough so that people could not tell.
Heck I felt like I lost the ability of being happy for people I just hated them. Hey and then there were a few celebs my age like Jennifer Lopez or Halle Berry that did not have kids yet.
Now these traders are pregnant too....lol

I have gotten a little better ....I do not hate all pregnant people any more.....sigh
I am happy for them.......but a little sad always.
I always feel like I am gonna be the only one left.
So all the comments or references to other sites I get do help. This blog...just writing about it has helped and if it just helps one other person to not feel like a freak or "The only One" then I feel good.

So here is a site that was suggested to me. THANKS Anonymous!!!! I love it.
Boy that lady went thru a looooooooooooooooong time of trying....holy crab!!!
Makes me depressed...sigh


http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/2004/05/ivf_barbie.html


So I am a veteran Barbie. But I refuse to ever have gray hair....and although I have put on some weight I will not do the stretch pants.

Yeah I have my ups and downs but I have a few perky girly moments left...hehe

Oh and Anonymous don't give up.....we gotta think positive!!!! Even if it hurts...hehehe

Apparently,according to my acupuncturist, our brains are smarter than we are. If we think negative our brain picks that up and runs with it. Yesterday he explained to me that when I have a headache and think : Oh shit this really sucks I hate my headache, that makes your brain pick up only the negatives and that makes it worse.
Well holy crab I have been giving myself headaches and migraines for over 20 years. LOL
So he showed me several points to tap in my face and then I have to say that I do accept my headache and don't say anything negative. So I tried it yesterday and it worked....genius.
I feel like I gained a life couch too.

So since I am a Capricorn I am unfortunately a pessimist....but hey I am teaching this ol' dog new tricks....So I am trying to be all positive and if it kills me....hehe

Also what I have found helpful in my struggles is Guided Imagery that my psychiatrist suggested. Sometimes they make me cry but mostly they make be better.
They are by Belleruth Naparstek

http://www.healthjourneys.com/

There is one CD series for coping with infertility. It is very calming although I have issues with relaxing...
Next I wanna get the one for sleep...need that one.

Also what I try to do positive for me is instead of just paying of my fertility bills .....I now also treat myself every now and then with a manicure or pedicure...going shopping for some cute top to make me feel like the woman I still am...although I don't feel it all the time.

So I am trying and like I said before I am stronger than I thought I was.

I ROCK....lol

yeah I ovulated today

My fertility chart says that I ovulated. And my temperature stayed above the line for 3 days.

This is so great. And I am feeling well. Acupuncture has helped me so much in my life.
I have more energy...not all the time but I have good or great days.
I used to have headaches 3-4 times a week because of stress and now I have them every few months. And I have not had a migraine since I started treatments.
All I need to do now is get my sleeping under control...right now it takes me hours to fall asleep.
So hopefully that will be the next step.

Things are good.

my plans for this year

My plans for this year are still getting pregnant.
For now the acupuncture thing is working. I had not produced cervical fluids before ovulation in a while ( and I feel like a complete idiot for never noticing) and now I am....boy was I excited...(stupid I know)
So now I know this is working. I also feel like a woman again. Very nice.
All in all I am very confident in the acupuncture treatments.
Next is ...ovulation...then I will go back to my fertility center and have them run tests to see if my eggs are working and then ....I would try to get pregnant on my own with my own eggs..
I think realistically I would try that 2-3 times....and then go back to egg donation.
At least I would know that I tried my best with my own good ol eggs.
I just could not go on with egg donation w/o trying this out first.
We shall see....what happens.
I will be writing about it

sigh....

Today I have a headache....and since I have been doing acupuncture I do not have headaches anymore...(I used to have one 4 days a week)
This is my first one in months and I think I am being a baby...but It never went away not even with IB-profin....sigh
Well the good news is that there will be another day tomorrow and I probably will not have a headache..........yeah

I recently browsed some blogs and found several where people take a new picture every day or post an old one. So I decided that that is an awesome idea and started another blog doing just that. To me it is kinda a commitment to doing something and it is kinda a positive thing to do so I wanted to try it and hopefully stick with it.

sigh

Although I have not ovulated yet, I feel positive.
I still feel different and it is nice.
I feel like a teenager that just discovered boys. In my job I see a lot of people every day.
And for the past year I barely noticed if a guy was cute or did not care at all.
My co-worker had to nudge me to take a second look. Now all of a sudden I have a little
radar and see cute guys everywhere. And I smile and I flirt. Gosh I missed this.
Feeling good and feeling like a woman and flirting....sigh
Yes I know I sound like an idiot but that is really who it is.
Very strange.

Heck I am almost kinda happy!!!

I am excited!!

Well things are happening now...my fertility temperature chart is looking better and I can feel my body changing.....it is weird and I cannot explain it.
BUT I just know I am gonna ovulate this month.....I have so much hope now and I am not afraid to hope and I refuse to think negative...

yes I am excited....Today for the first time in a long time I feel like a woman....
not like a broken has-been woman....
heck I may even flirt with a guy tomorrow.....grin

With all my female faults I have just felt broken and damaged and now I feel like a woman again as stupid as this may sound.

Well we shall see.

I feel better and stronger then I have in a long time.

I have been thinking about getting a new tattoo. A Chinese symbol for strength
because I sure have more than I ever thought I would.

I am actually proud of myself. YES I AM

.

feeling bummed today

don't know what's wrong with me today...I don't feel like getting out of my pyjamas, haven't washed my face or brushed my teeth.....laid in bed till 11am now I have been sitting on the couch all day watching the Hallmark channel and goofing of on the computer.
Usually I go to lunch with a friend and a little window shopping....she has not called me back so I feel like I have no reason to get up.
Too lazy to do laundry, to lazy to do anything at all.
This sucks.
Not sure what the heck is with me today.
jeeeez

hmmmmm

Well I am not feeling so cheery!
I am always tired, I am struggling with exercising.
And I am still eating healthy but I gained weight after my PMS/Period time.
Weird.
ahhh well few pounds up or down....does not make much difference.
I can't seem to loose more than 5 lbs any more.

Well I got an acupuncture appointment tomorrow so we will have to tweak
this weeks issues....lol

Heck I am soooo tired today....its 8pm and I am going to bed to read or watch
a movie.

My birthday was good

My birthday was good.

I spent half the day at the spa. Yes I splurged on me....for once.

I ate at my favorite restaurant and had drinks with a friend.

So it went well.

I am finally over another round of PMS and cramps from hell.

Thank goodness I was not on overtime so I did not have to suck it up

and go to work, I just stayed home. It was such a relief since nobody at

work ever cuts me any slack if I am not feeling well.

Well for once I was selfish and took care of myself and did not care who

I leave struggling at work, nobody worries about me when I am there and

am cpmpletely miserable and can barely stand straight.

No more of that when I am not on overtime.

I cannot always worry about others...I need to be more selfish.

Lol

Today I am slowly gonna do some chores and then hopefully grab some

lunch with a friend.

So life is going okay.