another good

Too explain my idiot behaviour as a so called friend for the past two years I let someone read my blog that knows me well. I was very scared to do so but I was also not in a condition to be able to explain myself.
Wish I would have told him sooner instead of the people I did.
This will give me hope that I might be able to tell my mom.
We shall see.

the good and the bad

Today I just can't even find a reason to get out of bed.
To clean the house? why, nobody sees it.
To go grocery shopping like every Saturday? too upset to eat.
to go buy some clothes and look cute? Nobody might see me in them.
Plus I am having one of those days where I am not sure if I can handle
seing kids or families. Sounds stupid.
So I decided to try to find the positive. And here it is.
I grew up. Every since I was 16 years old whenever things would not go well or I would be really upset I would get drunk and just party with friends. Yesterday I was soo upset that I just wanted to go to happy hour. But then I thought about it and it just did not make any sense to me. I don't really like alcohol anymore. Last time I got drunk at my house a few months back I felt bad and guilty the next day. Weird.
So I guess this is a good thing!??!.
Yeah I think it is. I have learned to deal with failure better. I did not have a major breakdown I just kept busy.
So this is a positive thing. LOL

So now I am gonna put on my cute new dress from QVC and I am gonna go to TARGET.
And I am gonna buy me something cute (yes shopping is my new alcohol, but I keep it under control) and I am gonna try to be in a good mood.

so here I go...

FSH level sucks

mood? devastated

my FSH level is 28....which is horrible
I admit I had kinda gotten my hopes up since it was 13 last months. I was prepared for no improvement but this I was not prepared for.

I almost had a panic attack and cry attack in my car.
Then I wanted to go out and get drunk.

Now I don't know what to do ...heck I don't even drink anymore.
Right now I can't even cry.

I don't even know what to say or write

bad weekend

well I had another bad weekend.
Horrible headache and back ache.
Not sure why.
I finally feel better but I am drained and discouraged once more.

How much longer?

not sure how this is going

Well this blog was supposed to be about my road to pregnancy. well it has been two years and no i am not pregnant. I am not sure how much longer I can keep this up. financally and emotionally. This month I thought I was doing so well and I was convinved that my FSH level is gonna be better than last month. But then last week my acupuncturist put me on some new herbal drops instead of my regular pills and I started feeling all depressed and anzious and started sleeping really nbad and I think I have hot flashes again. I am kinda devastated because i feel like I got thrown several months back. It is so discouraging amd I am having a hard time holding on. Why can't this be a joyous time for me like it is for others. I just wanna be pregnant. It seems so easy for soo many. Why not me/

I have put my life on hold for almost 2 years. I do not plan vacations or anyhting because I do not know when and if I will be pregnant. So I am missing out on a regular life. And it is getting harder and harder.

feeling good

I am feeling good and waiting for my FSH level to get below 10.
Got a few more weeks for another test. I am hopeful and feel well and try to keep stress free which is not easy at my job.
I have my ups and downs, especially when everyone is trying to show of their new babies to me. But I am learning to cope. Hey lets face it it is not thier fault they can have them and I have trouble with it.

I am trying, I am dealing and I think I am doing farely well. Even without my shrink for now.

FSH level

Well I have done another blood test to check my FSH level and the number is 13.
Which is still not good. The clinic wants it under 10.
But considering that 2 years ago it was 20 I am kinda happy.
Other than that life has not been good and i am trying my hardest to keep calm and stress free to not mess up my fertility possibilities.
I am not gonna be defeated by other people bringing negative energy into my life.
I refuse too.
So I am gonna stay calm and keep going no matter what live throws in my way.
There has got to be light at the end of the tunnel.I know there has to be.