JUST WAITING

AND
WAITING

I HATE WAITING

sigh

feeling bad

Wow I don't know if it is all the different hormones that I have been on lately but I am fixing to have my period. And I have everything wrong with me.....migraine , nausea, back ache, upset stomach and u name it I got it.
My weekend was supposed to me for cleaning, shopping and relaxing. And now I can barely function. Right now I am ok........but that usually only lasts about an hour.
Well this bites but I am hanging in there.
After all this is gonna be a new start for round 2.

New donor perfect

My nurse called said the new donor is perfect for me.

As I was telling my psychologist today I am not even picky any more like I was at the beginning of my journey.

Lets face it the kid is not gonna look like me regardless. But it will still be my child and have all MY flaws and MY little weird thing that make me what is ME.

Smile

My first psychologist visit

Okay so today I had my first visit with my psychologist.
Wow it felt so good to talk to someone that actually listens to ya.
Just to talk about everything that is going on in life right now.
I know this sounds stupid but I felt soo much better afterwards.
I walked to my car with a smile.
Then I went home and started cleaning because I felt I had some spunk
and energy.
And then I got some good news about my apartment.
So today has been a good day.

yoga

My every day yoga thing is on hold because I had a mini flood in my living room....but as soon as everything is dried up and patched up ....I will be back to doing some form of exercise every day.

I have to.........

I wanna be healthy and fit........too much stuff had happened and I got lazy and fat.
I wanna be healthy for when I get pregnant.

sigh........once that happens

new donor

Good News

My nurse/coordinator called me yesterday. We have another donor and another recipient willing to share the donor. So now the donor has to get an ultrasound and get checked out and then do a psych. evaluation. And then we start allover.....

At this point I get less picky about the donor......did not even ask hair color anything. I just said okay. My first few picks I studied the profiles and wanted to make sure they are perfect and maybe look like me but now I would just like to have a baby...and soooooon.

Tired of waiting...

And on the egg donation project....

I need to call the clinic....see if they have any more donors.

I am supposed to call once I start my period (yeah!)

Last time I waited months till they had more donors.

Well I just need to learn patience.

This will give me time to move, settle in.

Get a part time job, pay off my credit cards I charged up for this whole project.

So I am trying to see the positive in all going wrong these day.

Well things in life are not getting better...so I was all proud of myself about sticking with my yoga and improving my life and now other things go wrong.
Today my place got flooded........too much rain.
Now I have to move like I had money to spare.
I NEED A BREAK.
Something good should happen to me..........or a little good! PLEASE

well fresh place, fresh start maybe that will be good.

okay I decided to use my waiting time to work on my mind, body and soul.

I decided to start yoga again. It is gonna help me to shed some pounds, feel better about myself and hopefully sleep better too.

Day two, so far so good. But yoga was much easier when I was 30 lbs lighter. LOL

Okay so I made my first appointment with my psychologist......hmmm............I feel more of a freak than ever.

I wish I could just be a normal functioning woman.

So today I start a new prescription to start my period.

Am back down to one Estrogen patch.

I am still sad and could barely hold it together at work today.

There is pregnant people or woman with 1-5 kids everywhere.

And I get soooo angry.

I decided my so called support people are not really there for

me and I am going to see I psychologist. To help me cope and

keep focused and sane. I read on several sites that they recommend

that when you go thru fertility treatments because it can be very stressful.

Plus lets face it I probably have a few other issues that need tending......LOL

Yes I can still laugh

More bad news

Well I got another call from yet another nurse form my clinic today.
She confirmed yet again that the donor does not have enough eggs and is out for me.
And possibly for the other couple too.

And there is no other donors that can share because they are going thru a donor agency
and not the clinic.
AND there is no other donors right now.
So I am back to the beginning....3 steps forward 6 back.......

Now I have to think about if I will just wait or get my own donor which will at least
double the cost.

I am sooo tired........so frustrated and so depressed.
I am even thinking about going to see the Psychiatrist that the clinic had me go see for
an initial evaluation. I just feel so overwhelmed with this waiting for a donor game, work, being alone in this and in life......wow just everything.
And I am taking this all fairly calmly and that has me worried even more.
I think I am gonna explode with stored up emotions one of these days and go off one someone.

I just feel hopeless. And all I want is just to have a baby.

hanging in there

So I had 3 beers last night...well not a good idea.

Apparently it does collide with my 4 Estrogen patches.

Even though they said it does not matter.

I got really sick.

Well that is it....no alcohol and no caffeine and no sodas.

No matter what.

It did me good though to just go out and be around people.

I would have fallen apart if I would have stayed home.

Well tomorrow my nurse is supposed to call me and I will

just have to wait and see.

It's gonna happen one day......I must believe in that.

So here I am just gonna put my smile on and keep on trucking.

Well I got my call from the clinic today....the donor does not have enough eggs to share......just my luck.

this is like the 3rd donor I had my heart set on and then it did not happen.

Well I never got this far though.

I am of course very disappointed.....this is all so frustrating and I am soo afraid to start all over....I already charged up my credit cards.

I am soo scared and soo disappointed. What if this is never going to happen?

I am trying not to cry. I am trying to be positive , I am trying to be brave.

Hey but the "good" news is...I can drink alcohol..........so I am gonna be incredibly immature today and get drunk tonight. Then I will go home alone and cry myself to sleep.

And tomorrow I will start over.

Monday my egg donation coordinator will call me.........to see if anyone wants to share their donors eggs at this point since my body is all ready to go.

THIS SUCKS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ultrasound & Estrogen level & cyst

Today I had another ultrasound....I have a 16mm cyst.
That does generally not concern me because I have had them off and on for over 10 years.
But my nurse seemed concerned. I would guess a cyst is not good when you are trying to
carry a baby eventually.
My Estrogen Level is great.
But ....yes there is always a BUT
Tomorrow I will find out if my donor has enough eggs to split between me and the other
egg recipient. Yes I am sharing a donor.
And if she does not have enough eggs the primary which is not me will receive the eggs.
And me?
They may ask another donor and recipients that are at the same stage if they wanna share.
So that sucks.....
And I find myself unsure why the heck I am not the primary?!?!?

I am not ready for bad news tomorrow.

I wish I would not have to do this alone.

Today has been a bad day for me.

It seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant no matter if they want to or not.

Me ........I really want to.

It is so hard to tell someone congratulations when they do not know what you are going thru and to just stand there and smile. And then everyone talking about it. My insides are crying and I am jealous or upset or I don't know what. And outside I am bravely smiling. Today would have been a day where I would have loved to get drunk. Just to shut out my world for a while. But needless to say that would not be a good idea with all the Estrogen patches. Plus I am living healthy because I wanna get pregnant. Plus I am a grown up and I can handle problems.

Or can I?

well tomorrow is gonna be another day.........and one STEP closer.

I just got to believe in it.

great site for questions

http://www.fertilitylifelines.com

this is one site that answered a lot of questions for me so I don't have to bother my clinic nurse all the time...

Still waiting......

this is nothing for impatient people.

Wow how impatient am I gonna be if I do get pregnant and then I will have to wait 9 months to see what my baby will look like.

How how do pregnant women stand to wait that long?

hmmmm

...up to 4 patches

So as of tonight I am up to 4 patches.

And so far so good....

The waiting is driving me crazy, it gives me too much time to think.

And all that hormone stuff is making me a little nuts.

Last week I felt ugly and old.

This week I feel lonely and wish I would have a man.

Sigh.

And I seem to just analyze my whole life and where I went wrong.

Would I have been able to get pregnant 10 years ago. Or was I never able?

I just feel like I did something to screw up a lot of relationships and maybe screwed up my

chances to have children with my own eggs.

Other than that I have been eating healthy and taking all my vitamins.

So I am willing myself to be calm and wait patiently.

I am scared !!!

I am scared of the future.

I have so many questions.

Can I do this by myself?

What if my child has to grow up without a dad?

Oh and by the way my parents do not know about this yet. They live far away and I was not sure how they are gonna react so I have not told them. I don't know how they would feel that I have a child with someone else's eggs.

So I decided I am going to tell them when I am pregnant. And then slowly ease into the details.

I guess I was afraid that they thought what I am doing is wrong, that I should not spend this kinda money and just accept the fact that I cannot have kids......I think I just don't want anybody talking me out of it. I told three people. One a potential donor....which did not want to be one and he is not very supportive at all. One a female friend that I can talk to about this.

One a guy that seemed to be interested in me and had an ear for my plans but then turned out to be about to be divorced and having a girl friend while chasing me....and once I kinda started liking him I found out he is seeing someone else.......it was very hart to not let that get to me because somewhere deep down I was hoping to have some male support while I was pregnant someone to hug me and hold me....

But then reality kicked it and now it is back to me!
Hey what ever doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger, right?
Well lets hope so.

So here I go back to smiling and keep on going!

Okay the waiting and the stress at work is getting to me.

The goals they give us at work....are insane.

So while I am in debt up to my ears with my egg donation-baby-project I now I have to reach certain goals at work or I will get written up or fired. And management tells ya not to worry. Well I kinda do have to worry but they don't know that.

I have not been drinking any alcohol or caffeine in about 5 weeks but boy today I just feel like getting drunk.

But I had some chocolate milk instead. Sigh.

I wanna be healthy. So I try to eat all my fruits and veggies and lotsa milk and cheese. So far so good but for stress I need chocolate now.

Now helping my weight but who cares I wanna be pregnant.

Tonight I will put 3 more Estrogen patches on. And this week I have not been bothered by any more stomach pains or headaches. I have been trying to find egg donation calendars online to see about how long it takes until my donor is ready for the egg donation and to see when they might possibly fertilize the eggs. But they all vary. So I am just gonna have to be patient and wait......sigh

Still waiting

Still waiting for news from my nurse.

Well my body must be used to the Estrogen now. I am wearing 3 patches and I have not had any stomach cramps or severe headaches like before.

I think work gave me a headache today. I am trying to stay positive and in a good mood and good spirits because I believe that will help me if I do get pregnant. But boy working with ignorant people all day that do not care about their job its not easy!

I am wondering if all this hormone stuff makes me grumpy and more aggravated with morons?

Sigh.......probably not helping.

Well and waiting for the next step has me kinda on edge too. The only thing that keeps me going is anything that has chocolate in it.......

More patches

Today I have to put on three patches. And I am scared because I got really sick after putting on one twice. So I am a little worried.

Hmmm!

Today I have had a bad day. Trouble at work. Plus my hair looks ugly and I am getting bigger by the day and am not even pregnant yet.

It just makes me angry. I just had one of these days were I just felt ugly and fat and even just thought my hair looked bla and my face old.

Am I getting too many hormones?

Wow....

I was gonna change my hair color or get some highlights but then I figured I better not in case the color does not mix well with all the medication......hey ya never know!

So now I have my 3 patches on and am waiting to see how bad I am going to feel.

Okay so I am just gonna do some things around the house and try some light exercise to take my mind of every thing....I am stressing and I hate waiting.

So I am gonna chill and put on a smile and I am going to have a great day tomorrow!