....

my head is full of thoughts and I am afraid I cannot sleep so I figured I better write them down.
And now I sit here and stare at the computer screen.....

I had trouble with my progesterone shot again. Had to poke the skin several times before I found a spot that did not hurt. And then I started crying when the needle went in....and I got hot and nauseous....
It gets harder each time I start thinking that I got this down.
My hip hurts...it hurts every day now....all the time.
I got ready for bed tonight and decided I am an awful sight in the mirror.
The progesterone gives me acne...So far on my upper back and chest.
And a little on my neck and now starting in my face.
I am white as a sheet and sickly looking.
I am trying to tell myself it is gonna be all worth it....
But my little pep talks with myself have failed all day.

I think that the overload of different hormones is finally getting the best of me.
I am tired and exhausted and I am soo cry-whiney...which I hate.

Sigh and now I am blog-whining....lol

So I think it is time to try to go to sleep and get on with tomorrow.
There is only two ways this can go.........and I am gonna have to be okay and go one....what other choice do I have?

not so calm no more

So I am slowly crumbling and falling slowly apart. I am soo scared about tomorrow. I have not been able to concentrate on hardly anything today not even things I like. All I have been doing is eating...not sure if that is the all the hormones I am taking or if that is from stress. I seem to act like I am not stressing but I am.
Today or actually most of the weekend I have just been sitting on the couch...doing nothing and snacking of an on. Unfortunately I have lost my taste for healthy foods the past two weeks...I think I gained at least 7 lbs.
Not a big deal. ....but stressful as well....
Sad that I can look pregnant...but not get pregnant....sigh

This afternoon I have started to crumble...all of a sudden I just teared up..
I wanted to just let go and cry but I always think that is such a weakness.
Guess I will save that for tomorrow. Cause I will be balling my eyes out regardless what happens.
I have been trying to be prepared for bad news but I think I may have been fooling myself...
I can all of a sudden feel the anxiety creeping up...my chest hurts and I am swallowing the tears. No I am not ready!
I know I will be able to hear it in my nurse's voice. I can almost always tell if it is good news or bad news. Sigh!

I am not sure what I am going to do in case of bad news. Usually the calmer I am the worse I break down.

I am afraid to even think I could get good news. I am soo stupid to think of the worst case scenario makes me prepared.

No it does not.

So here I am the eve before my big day.
Pregnant or not is the big question.

the side effects of trying to get pregnant

Wow I feel like shit.
i have now had a headache for 2 days. very uncomfortable.
My legs and feet and thighs and fingers and face are swollen. Puffy!
I could hardly put my sandals on this morning.
My back is covered in acne worse than I had it as a teenager...sigh.

But it's all gonna be worth it one day.

But today it is stressful...sigh....
so I am just taking it easy...lil puter ...lil TV...and lil house work
and lotsa food...hehe

mood: trying for it to be good

calm before the storm?

So it turns out my leftover embryos have been discarded...guess they were no good. So that means the 2 that have been implanted to me have to work.
Otherwise I will have to start ALL OVER AGAIN...and charge up my credit cards with another 15.000 dollars...yeahaa

So needless to say I am kinda confused, upset and very anxcious.
So it is do or die on Monday.
I am much calmer than I thought I would be.
But that may be the calm before the storm.
On Monday may life will either be perfect or I will fall apart.

so I am now enjoying the calm before the storm....or maybe jsut maybe I will get very very lucky and there will be no storm

Dreaming

I am scared

....I am scared of failure...and overwhelmed with side effects....
and I may have majorly screwed something up while signing all my fertility clinic paperwork. I feel so stupid and I am sooo upset....and I am supposed to be calm....
I wish people at that clinic would take more time ....hey I am a human not a number...I am an infertile human not some stupid infertile number...

sigh........can't change what happened so I should not stress...can only hope for the best...if not I am kinda screwed.

trying to be positive...have to go on no matter what...

feeling tired

So I have been feeling pretty tired and just very low on energy.
I have been eating pretty healthy and I have been getting lots of sleep.
Hey that is about all I can do.
and wait and wait and wait

and secretly hope....and dream

Progesteron shots...and how I try to conquer them

For the past 3-4 days my shots have been getting worse everyday. I tried to read up on some helpful information on the internet. I could not believe someone actually made a you tube video of how to give a shot. And hell no I did not watch it. That is just too much. Sorry!

So after having a huge blue yellow mark, swelling of the area, then reddening and major swelling and pain I think I finally perfected my shot a little more last night and feel more confident that I can indeed continue to do them and NO I willl not shake like a leaf afterwards or almost pass out....sigh

yeap I am my own lil hero some times...yes I can do it.

YES I CAN!

the wait after IVF transfer

so I am in a waiting period now ....one week wait for hormone check then another week to see if it worked...
hmmm...kinda stressful

So over the passed few days I kept reading all I could find on IVF Transfer.
I was trying to find out what food to eat....what not to eat...what to do what not to do...and I was driving myself a little nuts.
then I read soemwhere that basically there is nothing I can do.
It's not up to me it is up to the genetic quality of the embryos....so what ever happens has nothing to do with me.

Jeeez I am a dork...but then I knew that.

So I am gonna just continue life till I find out and whatever the outcome I am gonna be okay....yeap

mood: much calmer

was stressing today

So I was really stressing today. Not sure why.
But I am mad at myself...supposed to stay calm and happy.
Everything bothered me today....and to make matters worse I cannot do
acupuncture right now...sigh...

I need to chill, don't wanna harm the process of these "lil guys"
So hey I need to relax....
I alreadty started taking naps every day so I am calm and get more sleep.

Been eating too much....maybe because I am anxious deep down while trying to remain calm.

Maybe it is all the hormones I am taking?

oh well....

my 2 embryos that were transfered

so how funny they gave me a pic of my two quality 8 embryos that went in.
I even got to watch in on Sono...that was weird.
I just wanted to close my eyes but this was cool.








and a sono of my airbubble where they are now ...weird

IVF done

so IVF is done...
now I gotta wait....2 days bedrest...easier said then done even for a couch potato like me.
so now I go on about my daily business and wait and dream and hope.

mood: strange but good

Today's shot did not go well

...I feel like I am crumbling now...
Today's shot went horrible...I thought I had pulled the progesterone into the syringe but thank god realized there was only air in there before I injected myself. I had the hardest time getting the fluid in w/o air bubbles...yesterday went fine...not sure what happened. And then as soon as I finished injecting the progesterone...some of it came back out of the injection site....boy it freaked me out...


They should give lessons for this before they make ya do that.
And I already got a big yellow blew mark on my injection site.
I am so afraid I am doing things wrong. I cannot remember when I did patches and when I take pills...it's not that I am not taking this seriously ...I don't know what is wrong with me.
I got soo nervous and sweaty I almost passed out and now I am almost in tears.
Gosh I am soo scared to do something wrong.

I cannot cry now and have a mini breakdown...I need to finish watching Desperate Housewives and remain calm and get a good night sleep.

mood: whiny....my hip hurts from the needle..sigh

Putting my smile back on and I am gonna keep going

trying to remain calm....

is easier said then done....
I slept horrible last night and had weird dreams.
I woke up all tired, stiff and with a slight headache.

I haven't done anything all day except for search websites
about IVF...not a good idea. It's gonna freak me out more.
So I am trying to chill and do something else.
But I have no motivation today. Was gonna treat myself to go out to eat...don't feel like getting dressed. No energy...no mood to do anything...just sit here and wait....sigh

hmmm and the day is not even half over....OMG

I am loosing it today or I am overwhelmed

Earlier today I could not figure out when the last time was I put my Estrogen patches on. and if to change them every 4 or 3 days...well its 72 hrs-3 days and now I cannot remember if I put them on Thursday or Friday but I am almost positive that I did put them on....Then I could not remember if I already took my Estrogen pill this afternoon so I took on.
And now I just realized I was supposed to start taking the other two pills yesterday and I forgot.OMG how can I be sooo stupid....????
I am loosing it a bit I think.

This is really going to happen

So this is really going to happen.
Next week.
As of today I take so many medications its crazy.

• Estrogen patches
• Estrogen pill
• Progesterone shot
• Progesterone depository
• some other pill
• some other pill

yeah I can't even recall all the names.

But 5 eggs are all ready to go and waiting for me....

mood: super excited!!! and kinda scared

I think I am my own hero

I injected myself with a needle longer than 1.5 inches today...all by myself.
My progesterone shot..
3-4 years ago I fainted at the sight of a needle...
If they try to take blood from me at a doctors office I turned green and near fainted and I could not look.
Now I look and stab myself with long ass needles.

yes I think I am my own hero today.
WOW

getting nervous

so I am getting more than anxious ...I am getting a little nervous.
I know I need to be calm and my pre-transfer acupuncture treatments have really helped...but still this is terrifyingly exciting and devastatingly scary.

oh boy

I feel like a fraud

Wow I am soo tired of leading a double life.
I need to tell people...it's drivimg me a little crazy that my best friend right does not know about this and I am afraid to tell.
What if she hates me when she finds out I have kept this huge secret?

donor egg retrieval

is on Friday at 8 am.
and then they will call me to let me know how many eggs there is.
I am scared and excited ...oh heck I really do not know how I feel....

I am sooooooo close....strange feeling

no more acupuncture

I also found out today that once pregnant I cannot have anymore acupuncture.
Wow that really depressed me.
It keeps me grounded and calm and almost - dare I say - happy.

sigh

wow....never been this close

and I am not sure how I feel about it.
Every time I have an office visit at the fertility clinic I am afraid to get bad news. And here lately there has not only been bad news...and I have never been this close....
So last Monday my Estrogen level was not high enough it was below 3oo and they wanted it over....and today it was at 600 ...wow
and now everything is going so fast.
Friday they are gonna take the eggs from the donor and Sunday or Monday I will have the transfer....they will let me know when.

I was so giddy all day .....then I was sooo happy that I cried on my home in between smiles.

I feel weird....I am not really scared and I am trying not to be excited.

Oh my good this can actually happen....sigh

WOW!!!!!

waiting for Monday

so I am jsut waiting for monday to see what my estrogen level is.
Had lotsa people wish me Happy Mothers day today and I wanted to hit all of them. Sigh

Guess everyone just assumes that someone my age should be a mother.
Well hell I am trying people.

not a good day.

I am strangely calm

I am not sure if doing acupuncture twice a week or having some really great friends right now (although I have not told them about THIS) is keeping me calm and dare I say almost happy. But I have not stressed about anything lately. I am very calm. It's kinda nice. I am not worried about anything..
No stress when my Estrogen level was not high enough. I took it matter of factly and asked what do we do next ....

I like this new calm me.....smile

Estrogen levels too low

So even though I am wearing tons of patches all the time or so it seams my estrogen level is too low....so they gave me some extra pills.

Other than that everything is a go.

mood: trying not to be excited......


sigh...soooo close

had a great weekend

I really had a great weekend.
I am relaxed and there for about 1 day or so I was even happy.
Wow....
this week I have another appointment to see how all my medication is
working...
So I am trying to remain calm and collected and see what happens.

how fast a spell can be broken

or a Happy Mood ruined.

Just got a phone call from a good friend(one of the original 3 people I told about this) and he asked me how come I am not out drinking or partying

ahhhhh hellooooo I am trying to have a baby why would I be drinking and going to wild parties.

I told him and he says oh I forgot...I had to get off the phone before I loose it.

Why did I tell 3 people that could not care LESS?

thank god the 4th person I told his not an idiot and has been very supportive.

Sigh....

okay now I want my happy mood back.

mood: happy

yes everyone heard right...I actually had a few rare happy days.
I had a relaxing fun weekend with some friends and I almost forgot
who i am and what my issues are....
sigh