Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to everyone

I wanted everything to be oh so perfect for my lil baby girl....but I am in the middle of my apartment being finished remodelling and moving stuff in and putting furniture together so I had a tree late and decorated late and that just drove me crazy.

But then it snowed and we have a white Christmas and that is just awesome. Plus my 7 months old does not exactly care about xmas anyway.....haha...or presents for that matter.

Hope everyone has a blessed holiday and I will pray for everyone to have their wishes come true as mine has.

hugs to everyone and a merry christmas

winter and xmas season

wow how time flies...my lil angel is almost 7 months old now.
she has seen her first snow, eats food out of a glas and instead of taking 3 hrs to eat she now takes 3 hrs to go to sleep...hahaha
but I am loving every minute I get to spend with her.
I am truly blessed and sooo very happy.

I miss my old home in the States...but I will be okay....yeap

oh and I have no idea what to buy her for xmas...thoughts?

we are doing great

my lil one is absolutely adorable...she adapted well to her new surroundings...we spent a lot of time outdoors and she got a great color now.

It is so funny how people say she looks like me...haha..,how could she?

I was soooo worried about that but I do not care..she is beautiful no matter who she looks like

AND she has a little birth mark that is similar to one I had in the same spot when I was a baby.....maybe a sign of god to let me know she is ALL mine no matter what?

wow I think this whole experience made me a lil religious...smile

the most important thing....while I walk with her in her stroller out in the fields on a beautiful fall day...I realize that I am HAPPY...sigh

this is my love at one day old...

sigh,..,,sooo busy

omg I feel so bad for not posting anymore.

Well we have not successfully moved to Europe. My lil angel was an absolut trooper on the long flight.,..she just slept...she is awesome. The decision to move was not easy but I am from a small village where we have family, the air is clean and fresh, its not to hot to be outside like it was in Texas. And she is gonna be surrounded with family. We can walk to the post office, the grocery store and to grandpas....its sooo nice.

Of course I miss all my friends in the US but I believe I did what is best for my lil angel.

Its not always easy but we are gonna make it.

update

sorry for being such a bad blogger...but wow my lil angel has kept me soooo super busy.
I am happy when I get food and sleep but I am loving every minute of it.

so I am moving back to Europe after 17 years...we are all packed ready to go and leaving the end of the months.
And once things are all settled in...I promise I will blog more.

Dont give up on me yet

Laptop died ...cannot blog...things going miserable...breast feeding not working and i feel like such a failure

Had a baby girl this week...now i am trying to figure out the art of breast feeding

Its a baby girl and I am so very happy..I DID IT

one week to go

Had my last doctors visit today.
Everything is fine...nothing is going on yet so baby is not gonna be early ....whew
good...

Scheduled c-section next week...

Feels weird cause my belly seems so small.....asked my doc today.
She said its because I am tall...so baby has more space to strech out so that is why I don't have a huge belly sticking out.

Hey works for me...hehe

Don't feel like i am having a baby soon....no huge belly, still fit behind the steering wheel easily, no appetite, just waddle a bit....haha

38 weeks.....relaxing in bed with 'da cat'.....

funny things about being pregnant

• your belly seems small in the morning and huge at night after u ate all day
• u loose balance when trying to sit down and getting back up and sometimes fall back down
• turning around in bed takes serious practice
• to get outta bed takes rolling to the exit side and then slowly pushing yourself into a sitting position with your arms before u can get out...haha
• in your last few weeks u get seriously tired of going to the bathroom ..it gets annoying..haha
• your belly has all sorts of odd shapes
• just from trying to getting comfortable in bed you are outta breath

yeah it is funny....lots of funny and strange things

can't wait to see what baby looks like

okay I am ready...cannot wait to see what the baby looks like.

One one hand I am wondering and am a little afraid if the baby looks nothing like me (and how can it not) what will people say? do I care? Maybe a little.

But on the other hand people always say : Oh he/she looks just like you even if they do not.

My cousin has one child that look like neither her nor her husband.

I think I am just worried about everything for the last two weeks...sigh

But I am still soooooooo excited to see what my baby is gonna look like

swelling

so there is not much to report....just counting the days.
Glad I do not have to work to much longer.
My feet get huge every day ...sometimes before lunch.
And sometimes the swelling does not even really go down over night.
so I am glad when work is down and I can put my feet up all day when I need to.

baby update

so the baby is still in breach and my doc scheduled a c-section in two weeks.

I am excited, scared and full of a bunch of different emotions.
This is also my last week at work....maybe forever as I am considering miving back home.
Nobody knows..sigh

yeah lots going on.

heartburn and cramping

So things have gotten a little challenging.
Since thursday I have been cramping in the mornings and at night.
And for the past 2 days I have had some evil heartburn.
But I am hanging in there....the heartburn is a little tough because it has reached new heights were I actually wake up at night because I feel like I have thrown up a little or am about to.
The other night I woke up choking ....thought I was gonna have a panic attack.
Sigh....but I am coping and trying to make myself comfortable. Almost have to sit up in bed to go to sleep.

Heartburn I had in my 13 weeks of nausea too but nothing like this...
I already had no appetite but now I have even less. i have a constant burn in my throat with everything I eat or drink. Not pleasant.

BUT it is all for the great good and I am happy to go thru it ...no matter how much i complain....haha

hanging on in there....end stretch...

I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED

I have discovered a new level of heartburn....holy cow...afraid to go back to sleep

lots of cramping

wow so I am getting closer.
Yesterday morning lots of back and stomach cramps.
And some more today. And it makes me really goofy. I catch myself making mistakes at work or just turning really slow and I have a hard time concentrating on what I do.
so today I left a little early. Thank goodness I did..it started pouring rain on my way home....roads floaded and it took me forever to get home....but i got home safe.
I took a nap...felt better....now my back is hurting again and slight cramping in back and stomach again....

guess its gonna be an early bedtime.

hmmmm

I always thought that people would be all nice and sweet when you are pregnant.
Well not so....I still receive a lot of ugly.
Is it just me or does this happen to everyone?

So I am learning every day to let go of non-supporters....
The closer I get to have my baby the easier this gets.

35 weeks

5 more weeks to go....

i have been super busy...i am in organizer mode.
Sorted out a lot of junk. got rid off stuff and just basically decluttered the whole house.
I love it ...I am usually not good at throwing stuff away....but these days it goes easy.

Last week I had super swollen feet...went to doctor and they made me do a 24hr urine test.
No fun at all.

Baby is still in breach ...still feel the kicking way down...

other than that not much going on...got everything washed, folded and organized.
All I need is a diaper bag.

doing well....forgetting everything

I am doing well...except I forget everything...like posting on my blog.
I have lists and sticky notes for everything.
I have sticky notes on my calender, in my car and on my couch....sigh...roll eyes.

I organized all the baby stuff.....washed all the clothes and now gotta fold them and put them
up.

I am fine except for my swollen feet and my sleep troubles.
Baby is fine but still in breach

lots of aches and pains

wow so last night I thought I was having early labor pains.
could not lay on my left it hurt my stomach, I had a hard time moving in bed or getting out of bed.
My left arm hurt right on the side of my breast and under my arm...I could hardly move it.
I could not sleep or do anything....and all I could think is I am not ready yet...haha

Well my doc said it was nerve pains...whatever the heck that means...
So no baby yet...haha

baby is still in breach but everything is fine.

In all my panic I organized and inventoried all my baby items and shower gifts and this weekend I am gonna wash all the baby clothes and get babies space ready.
and i am gonna get my bag packed...lol

I wanna be ready...

33 weeks .....and still lots of organizing to do...and not feeling so well since last week

survived two baby shower

so I survived two baby showers this weekend.
I am not used to being the center of attention so that was rough for me but it was nice.
I have lots of stuff now and only need to get a few more things.
My feet are the size of a flag pole and my dining room looks like out of an episode of hoarders.

smile

so now I am tired and exhausted and will just put my feet up.

baby showers

So I have two baby showers coming up.
I am really anxious about both of them.
The first one I guess people have not RSVP'd so nobody knows who is coming and who is not.
Also out of four registries I show 3 items purchased...does that mean nobody is showing up or people do not know what a registry is or what to do with it?
Makes me nervous..me and the gal that throws it for me bought the cutest and not quite cheap thank u favors....

the second shower I don't even wanna go to....all former drinking buddies that pretty much left me behind as a friend once I was pregnant...and some don't talk to me or just over Facebook
or texting and some even accused me of not wanting to see them anymore cause I could never meet them on times and days given to me.
So very odd .....

STRESS
this should be fun and not almost painful.

Oh well whatever happens ....I have a baby savings account and just buy everything myself.

Guess you really find out who your real friends are or that you may not have any.

32 weeks.....wow....hehe....getting anxious, overwhelmed and have a lot of stuff to do and no energy to do it with...

busy week ahead

Sunday and I should be relaxed and chilled.
But I have had a weird Sunday. I have been super tired and did nothing but pee and eat all day.
Not a lot of food but often and I drank a lot of water and juice.
Just a strange day.
Can hardly do much typing on the computer because of my carpal tunnel in both hands and arms.

Next week short but busy. Two doctors appointments. And two baby showers.
And work is probably busy too. And work is stressful these days anyway.

And one baby shower is gonna be uncomfortable because some of the people there have told me over email or FB that apparently I don't have time for them...they hardly answer my texts when I reach out...just kinda feel they give me a time and day that I should be somewhere to meet them and if I am tired that day or have an appointment then i am a bad friend.
So I am looking forward to one shower and am completely uncomfortable about the second one.

Sigh.
So I am already stressing...hope I can sleep tonight.
Well I have a haircut and manicure scheduled too...so a little spoiling for me as well.
And of course I am looking forward to gifts for the baby....

Going to bed....feel like a small hippo and cant find a comfy way to sit on couch....hehe

lots of movement

Okay so I still cannot figure out why its called "the baby is kicking"
There is movement ....I cannot discribe the feeling...but kicking is different.
It is a very strange feeling and I have not figured out yet how to put it in to words.
hmmm...

Anyways there is a lot of movement in the evenings now....which makes me know that everything is ok...yeah
I still got a belly button but not for much longer....sigh...for some reason that impending change from innie to outie kinda freaks me out....yeah I know...haha...not sure why but it does.

Terrible Sunday

wow...what a day.
yesterday started out to be a beautiful day.
Weather was gorgeous and I thought I should be outside and do something.
I really did not feel like it but I figured I could do a little shopping..still need a mattress for the crib. So I started driving...changed my direction and my mind 5 times because I just really didn't wanna go. So I finally went to target and walked around for a while but they really did not have a great selection for mattresses...so I left.
On my way home I am just standing at a red light when I get hit from behind. I have never been this scared in my life. I drove into the parking lot of a little Indian convenience store. I just sat in my car I could not move I was sooo scared for the baby. The b...ch that hit me came to my door and told me that there was nothing wrong with my car. I told her I do not care about my car that I am pregnant and scared for the baby and told her I will call police. She got mad and got back to her car. While I was calling 911 the store owner comes out and told me I am parked crooked...like my parking is gonna hurt his business. I yelled at him that I had an accident and am pregnant and scared and on the phone with 911 and when I am done I would move my car. I apologized to the 911 operator. My accident happened at about 3pm and the whole waiting for police them dispatching paramedics them checking me out and the whole drama took almost 2 hrs.
The paramedics suggested I should go to the hospital to be checked out.
So I had a friend meet me and follow me home and then take me to the hospital where I spent another five hours mostly waiting while hooked up to a baby heart monitor.
No food no water for 6 hrs. I was stressing out big time after having to wait from 3pm to 10pm to find out my baby is fine.
And to make matters worse my discharging doctor was my former gynecologist that lied to me for 10 years that i am fine and could have a baby any day until telling me 4 years ago that I am going into early menopause and stupidly asking me if I wanted a baby.
It was horrible...and he of course recognized me and asked me: so u pregnant? I was laying in a bed in labor & delivery.
it took all my strength not to yell at him and course him out.
My friend almost burst out laughing telling me afterwards that he is obviously an idiot.

Long story short....I was super stressed.
Baby is fine.
Had to call in to work...slept all day and am now afraid to drive my car to work tomorrow...

so since I was at the hospital where I am gonna give birth I am now pre-registered...yeah one down
And they did an extensive ultrasound. Found out the baby is 3 lbs and 14 oz. but currently in breach position.
But size and all measurements and everything is fine.

Now I just need to relax and chill....but I feel stressed out and scared still.
I guess it will take me a few days to get over my panic.

sigh

I am sooo weird...sometimes when I walk passed a mirror ...I look and I wonder am I really pregnant..
Or am I dreaming?

Thank god I can feel the baby and I know i am pregnant.
But even at almost 31 weeks i sometimes still cannot believe it.

Am I weird? or just waited toooo long for this?

hmmmm

sinus

oh my god I have the worst sinus pain and headache...not even a nap after work helped..hope this does not turn into a migraine....

Neck pain, and feet the size of a tree stump
haha....but that is all okay...its gonna go away....SMILE

Woke up this morning and realized I Am the happiest I have ever been in my life...

Baby is fine and kicking....mom has shoulder, Carpal tunnel, collar bone and neck pain...sigh....

30 weeks....10 more to go

getting a little more organized

so I am finally getting around to some loose ends.
I finished filing my taxes after sorting thru all my medical bills. I am all done now and am already organized with receipts for next years taxes.

And I am finally getting around to look up all the detailed info on my donor. I had selected the last sperm donor in such a rush after the first one for the first IVF became inactive....I had to dig for the number first and the website I picked him but I think I got the right one now. The info sounds familiar.
I will double check with the clinic though...
Saw baby pic and heard his voice as well as a character profile and various medical info.
So after the clinic confirms I will print all the info out and will put it with my files.

Tried to also pre-register at the hospital but they want to much info I do not know or have available yet...irritating...like how do I know when I am gonna be admitted? nuts
oh and I need to pic a pediatrician.

So once again I feel like I did 5 steps forward but also at least one back.
Sigh.

been feeling tired and weird

been really tired and sometimes go to bed at 6pm.
Always feel full before i even eat and never really have an appetite.
hmmm...
well I have another appointment coming up so I can ask a lot of questions...
also work has been busy and stressful.....gotta remind people that I am pregnant and my job is last on my list

29 weeks......can hardly wait to meet the Lil one

tired

so this week I have been super tired again.
Hardly got anything accomplished and got sooo much to do.

The way it looks me and the little one will be moving in July...
Lease is up....should start throwing stuff out, donate, sell...
and am tooo tired too

don't have a lot of help either....guess u see who your friends are
when u are going to be a mommy instead of a drinking buddy.

ah oh well i much rather be a mommy

and I will get everything done...by myself if I have to.
Have appointsments with some movers for estimates.
have a lot of stuff on ebay and more to put on.
May try craigs list but am a little scared of that

baby update

So baby is fine....hearbeat great.
And I am apparently not to fat anymore. But still should watch carbs....like even cereal is bad....heck I am a healthy eater...am about to say these people can kiss my ass....
sorry but come on...

Well most important they said baby is fine and has a great heartbeat. All the measurements seemed okay as well. My sugar level okay too.

And now they want me to count the babies kicks when he/she kicks in the morning and in the evening....
Has to be at least ten in and hour.

I have no clue what if it is not 10....guess I will call 911....hehe

now going to find my inner calm...sigh

Stressing

so I have two people that yelled from the beginning that they wanna give me a baby shower....then things dies down and nobody said a word.
I spent lots of time and effort to register at 4 different places.

Now everyone is dragging their feet.
Apparently I am having one shower for work people and one for others.
The work people I was told to make sure to invite people even if I may not like them because my friend and coworker that throws me the shower has to work with them...and now her and her daughter cannot make up their mind about a date....nobody approves my people list...phone calls and emails get ignored...when approached in person she acts like I never called....sorry but it is stressing me....

so i bought invitations and thank u cards today because I was told to do so...now I don't like them and gonna buy other ones tomorrow.

I don't seem to ever get anything done.....grrrr
People seem to forget that I am pregnant, slow and cannot do a lot of things for myself.
think I need a hot shower and my bed...before I will be getting ugly with someone...

28 weeks.....12 to go

sigh...lil stressed

So my 3 hour glucose test results were fine...but I was kinda pissed that these people stressed me out like this...heck this is my first child and it took me a long time to get here....so why all this fuzz...don't freak me out and steal my sleep.

Have another doctors appointment next week...and I am gonna tell my doc or nurse practioner or whoever I get to see...that I do not wanna know if I get to fat...don't tell me to lay off carbs and sugar . they are in freaking everything...

so I am gonna open my big mouth...and tell them unless it is life threatenign for me and baby ...leave me be I need my sleep..

jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez

Doctor called this morning ....now sugar level normal....feel like being jerked around...but happy everything is fine

27 weeks....and today I Feel like a clumsy hippo

the Glucose testing thing

So last week I had a one hour and a three hour Glucose test.
And I can hardly wait for the results...I am not scared ...I am fine with whatever result.
BUT...I wanna know cause ever since my doctor told me in January that I am getting to fat...and to lay of carbs and sugar ...I have been super paranoid what to eat. Everything has carbs and sugar in it.
And its not like I eat candy bars or drink sodas...far from

So I want results and someone to tell me what to eat.
Bad enough I have no appetit as it is...except for breakfast....that is the only time I am hungry...the rest of the day I just eat because I have to.

Glucose level very high

SIGH
I did my Glucose Test this week and they told me the levels were too high. Now I have to do a 3 hour test to find out if I have gestational diabetes.
I am so freaked out and scared...

I don't drink sodas.
I don't eat candy.
I don't eat sweets...except for the 2 first weeks of this year I went nuts on sweets...but they say that did not cause it.

Turns out if you eat too many potatoes and carbs it turns into sugar and that can mess you up.
Well...nice
For 13 weeks all i could eat is waffles and potatoes.

I am sooo panicked.....
And the weird part is ...ever since they told me I gained to much weight I was worried something is not right...
Also weird I don't look big....

Oh boy....time to collect all my strength and faith again....I can do this ....I will be fine....I HAVE TO BE
oh forget about me ....I mean the baby has to be....
So I am gonna try to chill...watch TV go to bed and get up in the morning to do my test....

breathe......YES me and the lil one can do this..

26 weeks

for every negative there is a positive...

So I have been struggling with the negative comments and lack of support of some people...
But today I got 2 positives....2 of my coworkers were so very sweet today
and one gave me the cutest gift for me ...and one for the baby...

that just made my day and kept me smiling..

plus I am cutting the negative commenters outta my life....and nope I will not feel guilty...nope
I spent 30 years trying to please people. Be who they want me to be or look like I should and behave like i should.
Now it is my time and the babies and we are gonna be who we are and who we wanna be...

yeah me!!!

the power of the belly

although I have my ups and downs...mostly influenced by work and ignorant people.............I cope

I take a moment, rub my belly and talk to the baby and smile and I know that I am a fighter and have made it this far and so nobody can bring me down.
I might loose my job when I had the baby but I don't even care anymore it opens new avenues for me....makes me make big decisions I may have been afraid of...

I am sooo much stronger than I gave myself credit for...
and now I am a team....now it is me and the lil one in that belly and we are gonna be okay no matter what the world hurls at us.

sigh.......yes I can....smile

I know I am pregnant...

but sometimes I still look at my belly and wonder if it is really true.
I wonder if I am jsut bloated....
And then I feel the slight kicking......smile
lol the last time I said I wanted to feel pregnant I got 24hr morning sickness for 13 weeks...so I should not beg to feel more pregnant....hehe

This is a strange journey ....but wonderful...

Why are people trying to be annoying and difficult?....I am pregnant and tired ...give me a break..please

25 weeks....is it normal to panic a little now?

definitely kicking now

So the lil one is definitely kicking now....for a little bit in the morning and a little bit in the evening....

Except for today I cannot get comfortable...I feel bloated, my tummy hurts and I am just exhausted and have barely done anything today..so I am just resting. And hope that I feel normal again tomorrow.....

Just having a bit of an off day I guess.

ehhhhhh

So my doc tells me I gained to much weight in the last 4 weeks and to lay off the sugar and carbs....

OOOOPS

I am a little freaked out and had my lil feelings hurt.
BUT
So I am eating no sweets or sugary stuff....but come one everything has freaking carbs in it...sigh

And I am a health food nut so I should be okay...we shall see

sigh

crazy dreams

So I had some crazy pregnancy dreams again...whew
I dreamed that my baby was 3 months early and I had no car seat, no diapers and that sort of thing...
And a lot of other crazy stuff....and I woke up at 5am and needless to say did not wanna go back to sleep..haha
So I did my shopping early, finished one of my baby registries at the store and got a pedicure...all in all I had a very productive day.
And I am very determined to get the rest of my stuff in order as soon as possible. I wanna be ready...

too many things in my head

So I am just sitting here and checking my email and playing on the computer and I find myself worrying about baby stuff. Since I live alone like how do I take out the trash when me and the baby are home. I am not gonna leave a one week old alone or take him/her to the dumpster with me....ehhh...am I weird for worrying about stuff like this? sigh

the other day i dreamt that some nurse was demanding a name for the baby and I couldn't think of one...sigh

lol....I am such a dork

Tirami Su

today I went grocery shopping and I saw tirami su in the yoghurt isle...so I thought ...yeappee I love that lets buy some...
So I started eating one after my lunch today. And all of a sudden I felt like I was having a little buzz. So i read the label and then it hit me that there is alcohol in there....how can I be soooo FREAKING STUPID...
Now I am in a complete and utter panic.
I went to the internet of course to try and search for info...did not find much. But I figure how much alcohol and caffeine can be in 8-10 teaspoons of tirami su...I did not even eat half of the little thing...and tossed it...
But I felt a tini buzz since i have not had alkohol or caffeine since May and July.....

god I feel horrible.....please lil one forgive your stupid mom

no worry about my weight

so for the first time in my life since I was 14 years old I am now
NOT WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT
wow it feels so liberating to say that...
Yes Ladies I do not care about my weight...all I want is what is best for the baby.
Gosh makes me realize how I was always struggling to be in shape or thin or not to be called fat or stuff like that....although I have not really exercised or done much for weight loss in the past six years I never forgot and never stopped worrying...sigh....
women...the crap we go through and mostly just for others hardly ever for us.
Although if I get over 200 lbs I would be a little concerned.....haha

my blog

I love getting comments were someone tells me they like reading my blog and it helps them to continue in their journey. When I first started my journey I could not talk to anybody because nobody knew and because I could not really find any support online.
I figured if I just blurt my thoughts out on the internet I would feel better and by some fat chance someone will read it and it may help them feel better too.

If I can just help one woman feel better for a few hours that makes me so happy.....because I will never forget the tough times I went through. The lonely hours of despair and nobody to talk to or help.

Thanks sooo much to all my blog readers and supporters

23 weeks

So tomorrow will be 23 weeks...yeah
And I finally look a little more than bloated..hehe...I am getting my baby bump....not enough yet so people in stores start being friendly to me...haha

Today is not my day....have a stomach ache and slight nauseous feeling since 3 am this morning....ehhh

OMG......

....how many times a day can one woman peeee?
I am almost tired of going I go so often during the day.
And I get up 2-3 times at night...sigh
I feel like I have been to every bathroom in every store....
And the totally weird thing is between 1-4 is my high-peeing time or whatever you may call it. Between those hours i have to go every 20-30 minutes.
I go before I leave work and barely make it home and I takes me about 15-20 minutes to get home.

Wonder if there is some kinda record ...how many times a day can you go?

sorry but i have been wondering about this for days....lol...sigh

do I have to exercise during pregnancy?

Okay so I am not trying to make excuses but first I was so nauseous I could not possible even think about exercising.
Now I bought me a pregnancy fitness DVD by Denise Austin. I have plenty of her DVDs.
So I tried that and I just cannot do it....squats give me cramps and hurt...
and then my sinus is so messed up I could not breathe.
So I stopped....
maybe I will try again some other day.

Lets face it I have not been a big exerciser for the past few years so do I have to do it now?

sigh

20 minutes of pure bliss..

....u know when you eat that perfect piece of chocolate or dessert and you find yourself moaning a little?
That is me taking a 20 minute hot shower to soothe the muscles in my cramped neck and back.....ahhhhh....bliss
even my head stopped hurting a little...

ahhhhh...hot showers are my bliss right now since chocolate gives me migrains ....sigh

22 weeks 1 day.....

driving myself crazy....

....over what crib or baby bed to buy....lol
I am usually a very matter of fact person...and being undecided about anything is not me....this being wishi-washi is foreign to me...and I find it a little nutty.
SIGH
I used to be more organized and a decision maker.
So maybe I should set myself some deadline and by that day I have to make a decision....
grrrr...this drives me nuts

sinus headache and fatigue

so my sinus is killing me...probably from being stuffed up every day.
they should make a mini humidifier that I can carry with me everywhere i go so I can breathe.

So work just leaves me beat cause the air is so dry.
Time for a nap with my relaxing music for baby and mommy...yeah

kicking or not kicking & the worry phase

so I am still struggling to figure out if I am being kicked or not...sigh
I feel soo stupid not knowing...but every mommy tells me I will feel plenty of kicking soon....sigh

It is soo weird I always thought I would feel pregnant when I am pregnant.
I felt nothing at first...then sick as a dog for 13 weeks and now I just feel bloated and look fat and bloated...haha

heck people still cannot tell I am pregnant unless I tell them.
But I am not complaining.....
I kinda feel that there is something going on in there...and on some days it makes me warm and fuzzy and on some days it scares me....
I wonder if I can handle a baby....but then I remember I practically raised my former goddaughter when her mom left her with me to go off and party and I never had any problems....ran out of patience or did not know what to do or was scared taking care of her...

I think right now I am just in the worry phase....
I have crazy dreams about that too....

So still not sure if that was really a kick....I feel like I should know...sigh

first kick?

I think I may have felt my first kick this morning at work....
but maybe it was gas? lol
what do I know....sigh
soon I will know the difference I am sure...just gotta be patient...

SMILE

work is my worst enemy

as always...
it was my enemy while trying to get pregannt....because of the stress.
And it is my enemy now.
In between....

• no support from co-workers
• bosses that do not care
• construction
• noise, dust, cold
• idiots
• the hideous maternity clothes they make me wear

I wish I would not have to work....

Don't worry I won't let it all get to me....but i still wish I would not have to go....sigh

I envy the woman that does not have to work during pregnancy or when she is a mother....they should consider themselves very very very very lucky.

It is a generous gift...

burned my belly again

okay so apparently I am retarded.
I burned my belly again while cooking on the rim of the pan...
and my belly is not even big....my god maybe I should stop cooking.
It is not bad but it burns and is red.....baby is gonna kick the crap out of me soon if i keep doing this.

Sorry kiddo....your mommie did not mean to.

still struggling with baby gear

So I am still struggling with what baby gear to buy

• bassinette + crib + travel crib


• crip + travel crib


• bassibnette + crib

I am soooo confused...

Also shopping if you don't know if it is a boy or girl is almost impossible. I am almost afraid of having to pick stuff for a baby shower...sigh

The closest I got is a Winnie the Pooh theme. It is kinda growing on me and I figured I can accessorize for boy or girl later or go all nuts and if it is a girl and go all pink and princess...hehe

so here is my crib favorite so far...

its a convertible crib with the changer

Unfortunately I am so undecided these days on everything and very easy irritated. So hopefully I will figure this out soon...sigh

latest baby pic

So I am done with all my specialist visits...and everything looks great.

I also had another visit with my regular doctor. And I decided to keep her even after the horrible ultrasound experience a few weeks back were I was in lots of pain and the technician treated me like shit.

I made it clear I do not want that woman near me again.

Apparently I at one point I told my doctors office I did not want an Amnio.

Just as well. I am sorry once you here the first heartbeat of the baby there is no way back...you are a mommy and want that baby. And all I can do is be as healthy and calm as I can and hope for a healthy baby that is gonna love his/her mommy.

so here is the latest....I just love this profile shot of my little one

still finding it hard to tell the truth and the whole truth

so I have been down a long long road and yet I still have only told about a handful of people the whole truth.

It is truly amazing how oddly people react when you get pregnant with a sperm donor. Apparently it would be more socially acceptable for people or maybe just easier for them if i would have fucked around with some looser and then accidently gotten pregnant by having unprotected sex...

Truly amazing how truly ignorant the people in my immediate life are.

I did not even have the guts to tell my parents about the egg donation part or any of my co-workers because their strange reactions about the sperm donor and the fact that I am not getting married already upset or shocked them.

Am I a coward? yeah maybe....but for right now I am just trying to be as happily pregnant as possible..

Baby first and everyone else last....

what's been going on with me?

so what is new with me?

Well I had family in town and was not on the computer much because I actually had a life for once...haha

I had a lot of fun...and most important I have been able to eat and have been growing a little baby bump in hte last 2 weeks...guess food tastes better now and it is nice not to have to eat alone. Now my company is gone and I am super depressed...been crying all day. Took me two hours to finally get up and start laundry. And I am already not hungry again.

And what really aggravates me the most is that most of my so called friends no that my family left today so ...hello could someone care?

hmmmmm