I am so enjoying my acupuncture treatments. That is now my favorite part of the day....relaxing.

Right now I am going three times a week. And I do have less stress. And I am starting to have more energy. And I don't eat as much out of frustration any more

I just feel a lot better all around. It is really nice.It had been so long since I did not always stress and worry about the same thing day in and out. I even went walking once this week and I plan on going tomorrow. And I am thinking about maybe joining a gym.

starting to really love acupuncture

I am really starting love acupuncture. It is so very relaxing.

And I am feeling good. I can slowly feel a lot of stress melt of of me and I have more energy. I had a headache and cramps most of the day today but after my acupuncture appointment I felt good and so full of energy that I went walking. And it was fun and reminded me of the old me. Full of energy walking every day and going out hiking on the weekends. I find myself doing more stuff again and not just sitting on the couch like I used to. It is so great to be away from all the egg donation stress and finally getting my life back and feel energetic and normal and more like me again.

I don't even stress about money that much any more.

And I do have happy days.

I feel good.

loving acupuncture

Wow I really like acupuncture. I had my second appointment today.
It is just so wonderfully relaxing and I really do have more energy.
I feel very good about this.

my first acupuncture treatment

Well I was very excited all week long and not a bit scared until I drove into the parking lot.
LOL
That is when I started getting really nervous. I was sitting in the waiting room and was all nervous.
And after the first 2 needles I started to panic a little and thought I was gonna pass out.
The first two hurt but I think I was just scared and panicked and then I started to relax
and everything was fine.
It was all in all a very relaxing and great experience and I cannot wait for my next one on
Saturday.
I feel so much better this week all this egg donation stress is slowly falling of me.

1st acupuncture appointment tomorrow

Well I am really excited. I have my first acupuncture appointment tomorrow. I am not sure what to expect but i am not really scared not even of the needles. I told my psychologist today of all the new developments.
I am gonna continue seeing her while I am doing acupuncture. I told her I think of both as my new wellness-spa-package that is gonna get me back to who I am, who I was before all this stress and drama in my life.
I need to get relaxed and well and shed quite a few pounds. And if acupuncture and all that is associated with it will also give me functioning eggs again, not just a better functioning body and more energy that would be great if not than I tried anything I could and will have a healthier body for the next round of egg donation stuff.
We shall see......I got nothing to loose only to gain

bad news and good news........maybe a new start...with acupuncture

Well for the second week in a ro, the day before my appointment I get a phone call from my clinic. And I immediately knew it was bad news.........or now good news for me?
Okay lets start from the beginning. So they are saying now the donor cannot be used until January because of the CMT issue or I would risk my baby being sick.
So the good news is after talking to an acupuncturist today that told me I can have a 50/50
chance of having my eggs work again I was not a hundred percent sure any more that I do want to do another cycle of egg donation. So I told my nurse of what I am trying to do now and she completely understood and was very supportive....and f course I would still do the IVF with them if I can get there.
Wow I don't believe in signs but wow.......is this Karma or my chance or what?
I can't help but believing that this is meant to be.
So I will call the office tomorrow and set up my acupuncture appointments.
I have new hope and I feel like a big weight has been lifted of my shoulders.
I have new hope.
Plus i have nothing else to do for the next three months.
Plus acupuncture is gonna regulate my painful periods, give me more energy and make
me love life again.
I am soo excited but also realistic.

anxious about this week

Well I am very anxious about this upcoming week.
Tomorrow I have an appointment for a consultation for acupuncture concerning my own eggs.
I am obsessed with the possibility of my own eggs coming back to life ever since I read this
story on the Internet. Then Tuesday I am supposed to start Lupron and my new cycle and am
not sure now if I still want to.This is all so insane and I have been so stressed and upset and distraught.
I've been mean to people, I am moody, I am short with everyone and I am so self-conscious about my lil
hot flashes I get of and on....I feel like so uncomfortable in my own body. And the more depressed I get
the more I eat and the more shitty I feel about myself......
I just want my normal life back........this is all making me crazy and I don't know how much longer I can
hold it together...........

Acupuncture

Well I made an appointment for a consultation concerning acupuncture and my no good eggs
or as they call it infertility problems.

I am sooooo stressed now I can hardly handle it...what if my eggs could really work again?
And here I am about to start my cycle of shots and meds again.......
Should I tell them I don't wanna do it?
Am I grasping at straws?
Oh my good I am sooo confused now.

My life is a Rollercoaster.....

Just like the next person I love the Internet....where u can get all the information you want and need.......or not.
Well since I every now and then feel all alone in this quest I search the Internet to find more egg recipients and their stories. Mostly I stop searching because I hear these stories where it takes them years to get pregnant.
And then I freak out and get all depressed. But whenever I feel all good about things again I go out searching again. Same as I did tonight. And I found this egg recipient story where this lady had a baby thru egg donation and then heard of/or knew someone that was already in menopause, did acupuncture and got pregnant so she did the same thing and now has her own baby.
So now I am all freaked out...what if I could have my own baby and not spend 20 grand on it?
Is it possible?
Oh my this put me in a total tail spin......what if I am wasting all this money and would not need to?

Wow why can't I be a normal freaking woman?

Today has been a good day

Yes today has actually been a good day. Even though it did not look like it.
As strange as it may sound seeing my psychologist about this whole infertility stress affecting my life is like a shot of espresso. I am all energized afterwards.
Today I had a fairly disappointing day at work and then left early to get to my appointment to find out I had a flat tire....yeah....had to rent a car to keep my appointment. And my intention was to just not worry about my flat today because I was pissed that it happened to me...
BUT then after my appointment feeling all energized I went back home changed outta my work clothes into shorts and tee and went back to my car determined to change my tire....well heck I could not even figure out how to detach my freaking jack outta the dungeon of my trunk....lol
So thank god some guys form work helped me...well they actually did it for me.
So I called my dealership where I bought the car and they said if I could hurry they take me in. I hurried 70 miles an hour on my lil donut tire.....made it there in time and they fixed it for me......and for free.

So instead of giving up and being pissed of I got things taken care of and they turned out good and it was a good day.

So now I feel like I accomplished something today and I feel calmer and I am now counting the days till I get to start my Lupron again next week and go for another cycle and I will be hopeful and I will not think about what could go wrong I will try to dream about what could go right.

Donors see egg donation like giving blood??!??

Today I told my psychologist that this week for the first time I seemed to have been thinking about my egg donor and how she takes time out of her life to give me some eggs.
And I told her how I was thinking the other day how hard that must be and how if that was me that I do not think I could do that and if I did I would think about a part of me being out there for the rest of my life.
Well I was speechless and almost shocked to hear that from her experience counseling and evaluating egg donors that they kinda see it as giving blood and have no real feelings or regrets or anything about it.

WOW WOW and WOW

I was speechless....
She sad a lot of donors already have kids which makes it easier or they work in the medical field and see it as just a donation with no attachment....like I said like giving blood.

She told me most people wouldn't think about it and ponder like I do...she said I would be the worst candidate to give eggs away.

Wow I am still in awe.....baffled.

I guess I would have never guessed that people have no attachment to their eggs.
Remarkable.

I am gonna have to think about this for a few days for sure.

Plans pushed back by a week

Well just as I got off work today I got a call from my egg donation coordinator. They cancelled my appointment for tomorrow. (The one that I lost about a weeks worth of sleep over)

And they made me the same appointment for next week.

Something like the projected transfer week of November 19 works better for the donor.

Well I guess one week does not make much of a difference. I guess I keep forgetting that my eggs actually come from a real person that has a real life that she is putting on hold just like me

and just for me and the other recipient.

I guess that makes me really selfish.....cause this is like the first time that I didn't just think about what all this waiting does to me........wow what must all this do the a person giving her eggs away outta the kindness of her heart to help me and another woman to have what we so badly desire. Yes she does get paid but I do not think that there is many women that can do that JUST for the money. I mean come on she would have to think for the rest of her life that there is two half-of-her-babies out there that she will never get to see.

Wow I must say if I would have perfect eggs I am not sure if I could do that although now I am depending on it....I don't know if that makes me a coward or selfish. But I think I would be very emotional about giving pieces of me away.

But then I guess before I was in this situation I had never even heard about egg donation.

Now that I know how many woman have similar problems I would probably feel different about donating...if I could.

Well here goes another week of sleepless nights in anticipation.

oh and BIG THANKS to my donor ...whoever she is...she is my HERO.

more money

Well today I got a call from the pharmacy. They ordered what ever medication I had missing from the last try and meds for the donor. So here go another $1500 bucks. The owing so much money thing drives me crazy. I should have had a second job over the summer. Or maybe just over Christmas. But then I feel like I should not work a second job when I might be pregnant.
Oh heck I wish I could just win the lottery.
I was having a hard time at work today dealing with people. My mind has not been where it needs to be....apparently I have been in space all day. I missed conversations around me all week and people are telling me I was there and I have no clue. My nerves are stretched to the max. I want this to happen soooo bad.
I don't know what I am going to do if this fails.
I already have a hard time being around pregnant people and I feel like I am starting to hate everyone that has kids especially people that do not treat their kids right.
I feel like I am losing control of my common sense and of being normal.
I don't know.
Next week is gonna be big...a new start with Lupron and the day after I see my psychologist.
Maybe she can talk sense into me.
I have been soooo tired ...this is draining me and I am working so much overtime trying to pay off my never ending debt.

I am still wondering when I am gonna be super excited.
It is kinda sinking in but very slowly. I am already searching ebay for pregnancy yoga tapes and I catch myself browsing for pregnancy fashion and books.
So I have to slow down again and put the brakes on...I promised myself not to buy anything that has the least to do with pregnancy until I am at least 3 months pregnant.
So since I am a few days away from starting lupron shots I need to chill and not go nuts.
Its weird you kinda want to get really excited and go nuts just because you think you could be pregnant in about 4 weeks....and on the other hand I don' t wanna be excited at all in case it is not gonna happen again.

Sounds weird but makes sense in my head.

I wish I would know more people that are going thru this.
I read about a few celebrities with infertility problems....but knowing one or to people around me would feel better....although that makes me sound like I want someone to have problems and I do not.

yes my head is confused and spinning.

Finally we are starting again

Finally good news. We are all cleared for another go.
10 more days of taking birth control.
Next Tuesday I have an Ultrasound and start Lupron shots again.
And if every thing goes well transfer will be in November.
I should be really excited but so far I am cautious...I am afraid to be too giddy about this and then be disappointed.Well I am also very tired today. So maybe once I got a good nights sleep and it sunk in I will probably be feeling different.

antoher week has passed

So another week has passed. It's autumn and it's almost halloween already. And then it's x-mas and then the new year already and then I am gonna be 29 for the 12th time.

No I cannot say or spell the actual number. I would burst into flames....lol

Wow this is surely not how I thought my life would turn out when I was 20 years old. I always saw myself married with kids like all my cousins are. I seem to be the only black sheep. My only marriage failed, I cannot have kids. I guess I am not normal. I feel like I messed up somewhere like I did all this to myself. The longer this whole process takes the more I loose the rest of my self-esteem, my desire to be around people, to leave my four walls. My only joy is cooking and enjoying food. Which of course leaves me with extra pounds and that brings us right back to the self-esteem....it's like a vicious cycle. And in my mind the only thing that fixes Everything is having a child....it's like an obsession. It consumes my sleep, it consumes me at work, it simply takes over my life. I used to be at least content whenever I was not happy. Now I am constantly anxious, mad, sad and very very tired. I shy away from people and hate to be out in public.

It is a strange life and a waiting game. It is tearing on me.......wearing me down.

And tomorrow starts a new week in the calendar. More waiting and more hoping that one day it will be me.

hmmm

Well my psychologist think I should do something this weekend that makes me happy.
Find something to do that I like.
Well that all would involve money and that I am fresh out of since I paid the clinic this summer.
Heck almost every day my head spins at the thought of how much money I owe.
So I am not about to spend any on eating out or a gym or some bull that makes me happy for
20 minutes.

So here I sit on my couch watching TV all day.........yeah

Gee I know what would make me happy that I already spend a shootload of money on.......sigh
I am so sick and tired of not being a normal woman....heck not all the exercise, going out to eat, hiking, relaxing or spending money on clothes or doing something freakin fun can;t make me happy.

Yes I am in a bad mood. I have too much time to mope on the weekends.

the CMV thing

Okay so they took my blood this morn.
And I got to talk to my nurse and finally found out that CMT thing is actually CMV...described like this by webmd:

Cytomegalovirus infection (CMV) is a viral infection that rarely causes obvious illness. The virus that causes CMV is part of the herpes virus family and, like other herpes viruses, may become dormant for a period of time and then be reactivated. CMV affects young children mainly, but it is estimated that by age 30 in the United States, half of all adults are, or have been, infected. The virus can pass from an infected, pregnant mother to her child through the shared blood supply (umbilical cord).Physicians recognize three clinical forms of CMV. These include: (1) CMV inclusion disease of the newborn, which ranges in severity from being without symptoms to being a severe disease affecting the liver, spleen and central nervous system, with possible developmental disabilities; (2) Acute acquired CMV infection, which is similar to infectious mononucleosis and characterized by fever, a feeling of beng not quite right (malaise), skeletal-muscular pain and the absence of a sore throat; (3) CMV in immunocompromised persons (for instance, people who have had organ transplants or who have HIV) with increased risk for difficult eye infections (CMV retinitis), gastrointestinal CMV, and encephalitis

So now they are testing me for that. And Monday we should know if we have a go to start again or if we do some more waiting that I love sooo much.

yes I am being sarcastic.
Sigh

sigh...this drives me soo nuts

So I finally get a phone call from my nurse and she tells me my donor still has CMT or whatever.
And now they want me to come in tomorrow and test me for CMT and then figure out if we just start going.
Wooooow
If this donor that I do not now Shoot about it yet has some disease why do I want her eggs?
And of course I am at work when she calls me and I cannot answer any damn questions with customers
right in front of my nose.
God I am so frustrated.
Thank god I have Fertility clinic appointment and then my psychologist so she can get me back to normal.
And stop me from freaking out.

Sigh........we shall see what this CMT thing is about and if I can find anything out about the donor

waiting again

Well I am back to waiting and waiting for a phone call with good news...wow I feel like they forgot about me....or like they do not care.
I know this is probably stupid but it seems the longer I wait the more doubts I have about me and the whole process.
I keep thinking (once I go overboard in my head) that people don't like me, they don't take me serious, that they take better care of couples.
Just seems all my self doubts stack up and multiply and go haywire.
This is soo much harder than I thought.
I think I am barely gonna make it thru the week and am really looking forward to seeing my psychologist on Friday. Talking to her usually gives my a glimpse of hope and a burst of energy.
But it barely lasts a few days. I just feel like I am slowly slipping and loosing control and let myself believe that I will never find a donor and never will........
Ahhh I don't even wanna write it out.

this is all very depressing.......seems like every one can have a baby but ME.

I pick myself back up every day and keep smiling while I really don't feel like it anymore.
It's stressing me.

So I keep on going and keep on waiting for my call
sigh