still all messed up

still no good news here....seems like things are getting worse and I just wanna stop everything I am doing ...take a break from it all and pretend I am a normal fertile woman.......

as if........yeah right

I don't know ......

...anymore........
I have just had nothing good happening to me lately........
I feel like I am going thru a series of tests ....to see how much I can take.
Well I can't take no more.
But I refuse to accept that I will never have a child or children regardless of what other bullshit happens to me.

I feel blue, depressed and just worthless........

My ovulation chart is all messed up again........it was perfect for several months and the last two it has been totally off. Also I keep forgetting to take my temperature in the morning.

Well here it is another Friday night and I will sit here depressed........

I need some good news....a kind word..........something

bouncing back

so I am bouncing back slowly but steadily....
This blog was supposed to be about getting pregnant one way or another. Here lately it has just been about me feeling like shit.

I need new energy, new goals and I need to make this happen.

feeling a little better

So I am feeling a little better. I got a facial, colored my hair and decided when ya feel like shit you should look good.......sigh

I am not sure how much longer I wanna deal with fertility issues....its all getting old and soooo much money down the drain and nothing to show for. I could have bought a car or went on a vacation around the world. I read about all these people that have great success with acupuncture and Xango why can't I have some better results with anything I do?
I am tired of being the loser........I wanna have some luck..........I want something to go right for me..........

I don't wanna go to work with a pasted smile on every day....I wanna be genuinely happy .....I have been trying so hard.....

I am so tired

of bad news...I was just thinking this week that I need a break. That life needed to throw me some kinda bone that makes me wanna continue on.

But all I got is my my five year old car smoking and dying on the Interstate.......sigh.....I took it fairly calm and then started waiting for my nervous breakdown. That did not happen. But I am having such a hard time just going on with a smile at work or interacting with people period. As soon as I am alone in the bathroom or in my car the tears just start rolling. I have just had enough. Also I had to tell the cutest, sweetest nicest man I have met in 10 years or longer, today that I have genital herpes (yes on top of all my fertility problems). Needless to say the wonderful evening of kissing I had yesterday is probably not gonna repeat itself. I am so depressed I don't even know how to set one foot in front of the other today. I just wish I could go back and fix my life. I have known him for about 10 years and we always just emailed and texted and then decided to meet. We had so much chemistry and he is a true Knight in shining Armor, a true gentleman and treats a woman right. And I have nothing to give him but friendship.......too late for my Knight in so many ways.

Gosh I wish I could just crawl in a hole and sleep for 3 weeks.

wanna roll over and give up.....

But I am NOT going to. Hell no!
Well I did my blood test on the 2nd day of my period. I got my results. Estrogen 100 and it supposed to be 50....well shit. Also I have a cyst....well what else is new....I have them all the time.
So I was a little devastated yesterday....I thought I was prepared...
I kinda felt like smoking a cigarette and I haven't smoked in ten years. Then I felt like getting uselessly drunk but I think I am to grown up for that now..lol...plus I wanna be a mom and not get drunk because I cannot handle being disappointed. Wow I am growing up. Sigh!
I also don't wanna eat to make me happy anymore. I can handle this. One way or another I am gonna have a child, and I am not gonna get drunk when I am upset, I am not gonna start smoking and I am not gonna continue to shuffle food into me.
As of this week I will exercise again. I want my body back that I had before all this started.
I bought a total gym and I am gonna use it.
Hell NO I am not giving up. I will be back at the clinic in 30 days for another test. And then we shall see.

I am not sure how I do it....but I am handling this all better than I would have given myself credit for.

I rock!!!

little less panicked

So I am a little less panicked now. My chart finally does show that I ovulated. Later than, way later than usual....but oh well I did ovulate.
So now all I have to do is wait for my period to go get my FSH Level tested.
Thanks to my acupuncture treatments I hardly have any PMS symptoms except that I feel tired with no energy today.
But that is fine I don't have to do anything today....maybe a little laundry and cleaning up while watching lots of TV.

still not sure what is happening with me

Well I am in better spirits and i have more energy than I have had in a long time.
But other then that things are not going so well....I know that travelling and stress can mess with your ovulation or your period but I am still a little worried that I might for the first time ever in my life not have a period. But I also went to one of my acupuncture treatments today and voiced my issues and concerns and we worked on my problems and on my way home I felt slight cramping and back aches......lol and that after complaining that I have had no PMS symptoms besides one pimple.
Heck for more than 20 years I used to PMS for almost two weeks (filled with every symptom on he planet) and now that acupuncture got rid of my PMS symptoms I am complaining and worried.
Little nuts.

Well regardless if acupuncture won't fix my messed up female parts...it fixed my sinus and my headaches/migraines and my PMS.
So it was worth it anyway.
Also I am taking Chinese herbs and XANGO(www.xango.com). None of this is cheap but it is worth it to me.
So lets see what is gonna happen.
I am glad I am in better spirits.