Monday, March 30, 2009

birth control.........

.........gives me severe headaches.
So today is my 5th. day of birth control and my 3rd day of a freaking headache.
Today it was so severe that I could not even get up to go to work. Like I can really afford to stay home.
Wow I have to take stuff to make me feel like shit just so I can eventually have a child...wow.....the longer this takes the less this all makes sense to me...

And for the past few days I am kinda falling into a deep depression again and having constant headaches is not helping.

So I put my smile back on and keep on trucking.......

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Expiration date

So this morning when I was making breakfast I looked at the eggs that I threw in my pan. And they have an expiration date stamped on the eggshell....
And I was thinking to myself I wish my eggs would have came weith a stamp that says when they expire then I would not be were I am now.

Sigh...

Friday, March 27, 2009

so...finally

I started my period and have my hysteroscopy scheduled for next week.
Not looking forward to it...scared somehow although I was told it is a simple procedure.
And the recovery time is apparently very short.
So I already have a follow up ultrasound scheduled for April 13th and then I start Lupron already.
And on May 11 I will have a transfer if everything goes well.

I am trying really hard not to get to excited...

sigh

Sunday, March 22, 2009

finally

so it looks like I am finally gonna have my period tomorrow. Damn and I cannot believe that i am actually excited about that and blogging about it...that is just sick.

But at least I will finally get to schedule this surgery and get on with my life

Saturday, March 21, 2009

still waiting...

and it is driving me absolutely crazy...it seems my life is always on hold for something

Sunday, March 15, 2009

sad news

.....someone really close to me passed away today. And I am very upset.
To think that I will never see her again and she will never see my future children. She would always say that she may never see me again...this time she was right.
I wish I could have seen her more and I wish I would have called her more.
All I have now are my memories and pictures. And hopefully a keepsake that someone in the family will safe me.
I have had about all I can take.....

May she rest in peace...I loved her so

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

still waiting

....but I am a little more confident about this surgery...little less panicked.
I am thinking maybe this is my year...hey I gotta get lucky some time.
So I am trying to remain confident. Doing more things with friends, being more social and try to just have some fun.

Friday, March 6, 2009

been in good spirits

So I have been in a good mood.
The weather is gorgeous and I am tired of feeling bad and being in a bad mood.
hehe

So I am gonna enjoy being almost happy for a while.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

another one hit the dust

so another one pretty much hit the dust.
Guys don't stick around when presented with problems.
And no I do not feel to elaborate on the subject anymore.
I am a big girl, I am a little warrior and I am moving on.

Monday, March 2, 2009

I cannot sleep

so it is once again Sunday night and I cannot sleep.
I tried to do the "I-am-a-normal-woman-human-being-thing" tonight and hang out with the guy that has been kinda showing an interest in me. Since I can never sleep on Sunday nights anyway I figured why not go to his house and watch a movie, have some beer and just cuddle. So I did. Well he asked me to spend the night so we were laying down all nice cuddled up and just talked. Apparently I am easier to get along with than I was 10 years ago. So we are talking about old times and family and all sorts shit until he asked me how come I have never gotten pregnant...oh my god I just wanted to die. So I did the immature thing and asked: Pregnant? why? and by whom?...and he asked or could I not get pregnant and I just said I did not want to talk about it. Yes that was really so mature of me. NOT!!! I felt horrible, and trapped and I did not know what to do and just wanted to leave. Or have him just hold me. But he fell asleep and started snoring so I woke him up and told him I was leaving. He said whatever so I guess that is not a good thing. I let myself out and gone I was.
then I texted him that I was sorry for leaving.

Well and now it is 3am in the morning and I have had no sleep and will have to be at work in about an hour.....

Gosh I am such a f-ing idiot.
I am soo stressed out right now because I do not know how he will react and I feel like such a immature moron. So I guess tomorrow or whenever i will have to give him the talk about "ALL" my shortcomings...And then I can watch and see which one makes him run for the hills faster......

And here I dreamed that I could actually hang out with a guy and be normal.
Well I guess I was wrong.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

why am I always having to wait for my period?

Okay the . So during this whole infertility thing I always find myself waiting for my period to go to the next step...that is just wrong on soooo many levels.
Now I am waiting so they can schedule my hysteroscopy. So I have no clue when that is gonna happen. Well I kinda do. It will be in the next few weeks. I am very nervous.
And yesterday the guy I have been hanging out with this week asked me how I was doing health wise because he knows I had a cyst and an ovary removed 11 years ago. And I could not even tell him: Oh by the way ...the woman you seem to like right now is still messed up, even more so now.

All my life I was waiting for Prince Charming or just a guy that loves me and would tell me he would love to have a child with me....somehow I never got so lucky. I am not saying that this guy now would all off a sudden tell me that now.
BUT I think life would be very cruel if all of a sudden someone would do it now that I am older and only partial woman anymore. I don't know maybe I am just scared that someone will like me, really like me for who I am even with all my issues. I guess I am just so used to having bad relationships and always getting dumped or rejected. All I know is this guy hung out with me two days this week and is talking all sorts of stuff we will do in the future and it scares me.

Gosh I need a shrink....oh wait that one dumped me too....lol

Well I am gonna try to remain calm and see where live takes me.
Hey what have I got to loose? At this point really nothing.
So life bring it on!!! I am almost ready!! ROOAAARRR!!!