still feeling like shit

...wow so I hate being depressed and being unable to fix it.
It really sucks....It's been almost seven days since I feel like this and I do not like it. I am getting back to hermit mode where I do not wanna see people, hear people or be around people.
And of course people take you the wrong way when you stay away from them.
And who can blame them.
Maybe I have a hard time with x-mas coming up.
I don't know but I need to snap out of it.

man one of these days I will spend x-mas in Hawaii where nobody knows me and I will not have to pretend to be happy and not pretend I am not the black sheep or at least the odd ball in my family.
One day I will go to hawaii and be miserable for xmas by myself instead of with my family and their feuds and other issues they drag out for x-mas for the past 30 years.

one day.....sigh

I hate being hormonally challenged

so I have been in a bummed kinda goofy mood and don't even know why. Glad I have the weekend off now because I really hated being around people and really don't know why.
All I know is that I hate being hormonally challenged and in such a funk witout knowing why.

sigh

I am my own worst enemy ....

yet again I seem to be my own worst enemy.
I try so hard...I try so damn hard to be in a good mood and put on a brave face every day. I hate to cry because i think it is such a weakness. And i had to cry after trouble at work because then I think they have won.

Well according to my acupuncturist that is what is causing my stress. WORK of course and trying to be all happy. I need to cry.

Great!!!

I worked a double shift and cannot even relax or sleep so I got me a 8 oz bottle of one of those Smirnoff drinks at the gas station. Yeah the clerk looked at me all sad like he thought I do this all the time. No buddy, I usually do not get uselessly drunk so I can blare loud music into my headphones and have me a good cry.
No I do not....
because I am trying sooooo hard to be a mom that I had stopped drinking caffeine, stopped drinking alcohol, no junk food and I had lost 20 lbs and try to exercise to be a good and healthy mom.

But it seems every 3-4 months now I have to get drunk and have me a good cry to survive.

The stress at work is killing me, it is killing my efforts. And yet I cannot afford to quit because I need the money and the insurance.

Turns out stress shows up in the form of sinus problems. Stomach aches and problems.
And my latest and favorite. Chest pains. So bad that I think I cannot breath or go on at work.

So yet again by trying to do so good and be so brave I am my own worst enemy.

GREAT....

yeah life sucks and infertility sucks even more .....especially today.

I cannot remember the last time I felt this bad and fell this deep.

boring weekend

For some reason my hormones seem to be up and down or outta wack.
Friday I was in an all good mood.
And Saturday and today i was just kinda bummed and tired and just did not do anything all day long..

i hope it passed I like the happy me a lot better.
I like being in a good mood a lot better.

So hopefully I will snap out of it.
I better!!!!

I had a good day

So yesterday I had a really good day.
All my friends were busy and there is no more racing and I was feeling bummed and anxious all week so I decided to just have a fun day by myself.
And it was a good day and I got lotsa compliments.

First my dermatologist told me that I do so not look my age.
I was so baffled all I could do is say: "Thank You!"

Then the gals at my post office told me that I always look so nice whenever I do come in.( I do go there a lot since I sell on ebay).

Then I had lunch at my favorite restaurant. And did a little shopping for me at JCP.
And got great bargains so I was in a great mood.

And in the evening I went to TGIF with a friend that I had not seen in a few months and he told me I looked a lot younger since the last time he had seen me.
And this is a guy that does usually not even notice when I drastically change my hair color.

So damnnnn yesterday made me feel so good about myself. Maybe my 20 lbs weight loss is showing now. Or my new facial products I gifted myself last week?

Lol

whatever it is ...It feels soooo good, especially when ya left the house thinking you look like shit or at least not your best.

So now I am off to start another day and hopefully this will give me more confidence to interact with people and be around kids. Yesterday all I saw was pregnant women every where I went. I even made myself chit-chat with one about the due date...that was rough...but I did it.

So here I go off to another day.

feeling kinda blue today

So I am feeling kinda blue today....work was stressful.
When I left work I either wanted to cry or hit happy hour.
Well I did neither and went walking instead.
Made me kinda feel better.

But today was still weird...I was cry-whiny in my car and I almost
cried while walking.
Had to really pull myself together.

Strange day....but I refuse to give up and break down and cry.

Another day.........

...so I made it thru another day.

It had it's ups and downs but i managed to keep on smiling.

Yesterdays feelings of restlessness and anxiety gave me a huge stomach ache all day today.

But then it finally got better and I just refused to be in a bad mood.

So of I go to sleep getting ready for another day.

Jane Seymour commercial

So I am just watching TV and this commercial comes on with Jane Seymour selling her jewelry...and I hear her say the following


"If your heart is open love will find it's way in"


I just thought that was beautiful. And something I should definitely keep in mind and take to my heart more often...

Jeez now I get wisdom from commercials...sigh

feeling not so young but restless

Well today I am feeling really anxious and restless.

It is a very strange feeling and I am not used to it.
I kept logging on to my computer...logging of my computer....could not concentrate on anything on TV...and I am so not hungry which is very unusual for me.

It's like I have no patience to wait for the work week that has not started yet to be over. Or I cannot wait for Christmas to get here and be over. Or cannot wait to see the people I care about but yet I am anxious to leave them again.

A strange feeling indeed.

I am trying to shake it but I can't. And since it is Sunday evening I am worried that I will not be able to sleep. I have trouble on Sundays.

I had a great weekend and I got to spend an evening and half a day with a guy I really like. And I think he may like me. Or so it seems.

Maybe that is why I am feeling weird....

Because I know eventually I would have to tell him about all my issues and hope he may not care...

I don't know what makes me feel so weird today but I hope it goes away.
I cannot predict or change the future regardless....so why can I not just sit still and quiet and see what it brings me?

keeping the positive going...

....so I am trying to be happy just for the hell of it...lol
I had a great afternoon. Bought me something nice and expensive at Bath & Body Works.
Then treated me to a nice Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks and sat on a bench in the sun for 2 hours just enjoying the day and the people.
And I had such positive thoughts going and was in such a good mood I could even smile at the little kids walking by without tears coming to my eyes or bitterness coming to my heart...it was nice.

I enjoyed just being there ....sitting in the sun.

I am very proud of myself today.

on a positive note

so on a positive note...as of today I have lost 19.7 lbs and I am very proud of myself....originally I wanted to loose 20 more but maybe i will just go for 10...
I don't wanna be a size 7 again....I like myself a little fuller.

So this is a good thing and I feel good about it so i am building onto this positive thing in my life and go from there.

Hey sometimes I think...hey it's just life how hard can that be?

The other night I had a really stupid dream that kinda freaked me out when I woke up.
After years of wanting a baby in my dream I finally had one..and I was living with my mom. The baby was wrapped tight in a blanket and laying on top of a chest of drawers peacefully sleeping all day. And I would just sit in the same room in a chair watching it. And people would come into the room and ask me if I had been feeding the baby or done anything with it...and I just sat there because I did not know I had to do all that.
Ahhh what I nightmare I woke up and felt horrible. I finally had a baby and had either no interest or no clue....
dear god...I was bummed and depressed all day and then I finally snapped out of it.

I hate when the mind place stupid tricks on ya.

BUT today I will have a wonderful day....because I choose to.

tired of it all

Well I have not been feeling well and still don't know what to do.
I am just always tired.

sigh

I really wanted to start back with egg donation....but now it is so close to x-mas and nothing happens over x-mas.
Also work is more stressful than ever and stress will make it not work.

Also members of my family are letting me know of job offers back home.
But in order to move I would have to be pregnant since egg donation is not allowed in the country I would move home to.

So I am like f-d either way again.
I wish I could just p/u move and worry about a baby later but I am running way out of time on that one...

what am I supposed to do?

still confused

well I am still confused about life.
with the economy being so bad I am afraid to loose my job or get my hours cut
and there already has been unpleasant changes at work. So i worry and I stress
and neither one is gonna get me pregnant.
It's like a never ending vicious cycle....for me.
while there is people out there that do drugs and drink and randomly have sex with tons of people but they do get pregnant and then treat their kids like shit or kill them....

heck someone explain that to me!!!