I am restless!

I am very restless. I realized today that I am now just waiting. Waiting is hard for me, I am not a very patient person....sigh
I am done with the Lupron shots and am just taking the Estrogen patches and am waiting till my nurse will call me and tell me when I am ready for transfer.
This is weird. I wonder what the donor is going thru. And the other recipient. I am doing an shared egg donor program. Wonder what they are thinking, wonder how they are feeling.
hmmmm

Side effects

Current mood.........bitchy

Wow these patches have some serious side effects.

I have never had stomach cramps this bad. This is kinda scary.

I feel like my insides are dying

BUT

I keep reminding myself this is all getting me ready for a baby.

So I keep my heating pad close and try to be a trooper.

and keep on smiling......

Well a lot of things have happend. I have been getting the Lupron shots now for two weeks almost and I started Estrogen patches yesterday.
I was so deathly afraid of the shots. For the first 2 days I went to the clinic and had them do it for me. I had even changed my schedule at work so I can go there every morning. But then this really nice nurse practiced with me and helped me so after 3 days I could do it on my own.....I was so amazed and proud of my self. Now I get up at 6:30 am every morning and do my own shot. I never in a million years thought I would be able to do that.
So now I just have to wait for another phone call from my nurse to tell me when the donor is ready. I am very excited but I try to also be prepared for the whole thing to fail...that used to freak me out badly. It am afraid I am gonna have a breakdown or something but I am getting more confident and I know I can always try again.
So I am trying to stay calmer and not stress over everything so much.
I am slowly getting used to the owing money part.
I can sleep at night now w/o worrying how to pay it back.

So I am confident and excited

Stopped panicking........almost gave up

Okay so today I talked to my nurse. And I stopped freaking out. After seeing my medication yesterday and all the syringes I almost passed out. I drove to work this morning all pissed off and crying. I guess I was mad at the world for having to do this.

I was ready to call my clinic and tell them to forget it and that I cannot do this.

Then I talked to my nurse. ....and I swear the woman is an angel, within 2 minutes she had me calmed down and told me not to worry and that I will be okay and that she will be there with me all the way. So I am better and just gonna wait for my appointment next week. Sigh

Today I got all my medications per FEDEX.

Boy did I freak out when I saw them.

All I saw was needles, which I am deathly afraid off.

I have doubts if I can do this. I have had a needle phobia all my life.

And now I am supposed to inject myself?

I could pass out just thinking about it.

Well the nurse assigned to me said she is gonna teach me.

Good Luck to both of us.

I wish I could hire someone to do that I am so scared.

Well we shall see how it goes.

I have my last appointment before we start in a week.

Paid for my donor today.

I had to pick 3. Which I did over 4 months ago and found out today

that two are inactive now.

But my favorite is still available. Well lets see what happens.

Not sure if I have to search again and find two more.

stressing again....sigh

Today I am excited and scared. Tuesday I am gonna put myself about $ 13.000 in debt.

Wow I cannot sleep if I owe a thousand on my credit card.

This is hard.....

I feel like I have not slept since I got my date told when I start with all the medications.

Oh and they will be here on Tuesday. They cost me $ 1000 for the donor. But thank goodness

my insurance paid for most of mine.

I keep on thinking that owing money is what freaks me out but in a way I think I am also scared of having a baby by myself and afraid that it fails and I owe all that money and got nothing to show for and I will probably have a lil nervous brakedown.

Well I better chill with all the thinking so I can get a good nights sleep

Hi!

My blog name is Savannah. I am on a journey to have what comes so easily to most people or so it seems. I just want to have a child. I used to think that I have all the time in the world. So I dated of and on trying to find prince charming. My Gynecologist always told me that I am so perfectly fine and my body is ready. Until I found out last year that I am in the early stages of menopause and that my own eggs cannot produce a child. So I was angry, pissed and you name it. So I went to a Fertility clinic and was introduced to the option of egg donation. It so freaked me out for at least the first to months that I would have a child by donated eggs from some woman and sperm from some guy. But given that this is my only chance I started the process.
They sent me to a Therapist to see if I am emotionally stable for this journey. She found me sane enough to do this. But after loosing two donors already I was beginning to think maybe I am not meant to have children. Although I don't believe that.
Now in about two weeks I am starting the process and I felt I have not slept in days. I am scared. Not sure why? I hate owing money and I am scared of needles.
But I am trying to be strong.
Tuesday all my medications will get here in the mail and I will know it is for real.
I have tried to find support groups but am not crazy about any of them on the net.
I am hoping writing stuff down like I did in my journal when I was a teenager will help