3am and I cannot sleep

well I could not sleep last night and I figured it is just my usual Sunday night anxiety of oh-my-god-I-have-to-go-back-to-work-on-Monday.
But here I am 3am on Tuesday morning. Guess I could sleep even less on Monday night.
I went to bed with already a few thoughts on my mind and figured I will forget and go to sleep.....yeah right....that did not work out. The more I laid in bed and watched TV the more I started thinking and the more I started daydreaming. Then at
1am in the morning I decided to call one of my co-workers so she can wake me up in the morning. She immediately started telling me a lot of stuff that she needed to get of her chest which stressed me out even more...so now it is 3am and I decided to blog to clear my head. And in addition I am having a glass or Merlot that will either make me goofy enough or drunk enough to go to sleep.

Wow I do not even know where to start. My awesome-stress-and-infertility-thought-free-vacation already seems like a hundred years ago. First of every one at my work is worried about getting their hours cut or loosing their job. It has happened to many in the same field. Then my car is giving me trouble again. The A/C seems to be going out and it smells like it's gonna die again. So I already am worried about all these things.
And mostly I still have not decided yet when I will go back to egg donation. I have another b-day coming up and it is not making this any easier...

I am still too chicken to tell my parents about this and it is making me sad and I feel soooooo f-ing guilty....but I can't.

I am trying so hard to keep positive and just live my life but it is not easy.
I don't hardly drink anymore, I don't go out, I don't date. I don't do anything.
And to make matters worse I had one of my customers hit on me before I left for my vacation. I used to be such a flirty and outgoing person. Well I am so out of it that I first didn't even realize that I got hit on. And then I felt like an idiot and got almost kinda flustered. He told me I had his number now and to call him.
Well I had family in town and then went on vacation 3 days later and never got the chance....but I also did not want him to think I was blowing him of so I texted him and let him know that. And we have kinda been texting ever since. Yes I was too chicken to call and apparently so is he since we are still texting.
But I am thinking why even bother. He lives in another state and lets face it I have far to many issues that I would eventually have to tell him about so why even bother.
Why?
Easy!!! Because it makes me feel so good that someone actually liked me and thought that I was cute and wanted to get to know me. So needless to say I started dreaming...and then of course I wake up and realize no guy is ever gonna want me with all my problems....so it is just a matter of time.
And then I have to tell him and he will be gone.

Wow wine at 3am makes me more sad.....but hey maybe crying will make me feel better or tired.

A few hours ago I was listening to a friend who was telling me about her son getting a divorce and seeking custody of his kids because his wife cheated on him while he was in Iraq and the kids had to see it all and plus she did not like the military life and just likes to party. Wow stories like that just floor me.....here I am I would die to just have one child. Hell I would die to have a guy tell me that he loves me soo much that he wants to have a child with or heck I would just love to have a guy tell me that he wants to have a child with me.....(without it being just a plot to get me into bed) and here is this woman that leaves all that behind.
I was married once to a guy in the military....and all I wanted is a baby and be a stay at home mom and I would have happily cleaned and taken care of a child or children and my husband....but I never got so lucky. I don't understand these women that have it all and throw it away. I am not saying I never cheated on anyone but in front of my kids, I could have never done that. The few people in my life that I cheated on I feel like life as already paid me back for. I did once cheat on a guy that was in Saudi Arabia with a guy that I once thought was the love of my life and he ended up cheating on me so many times and even with my best friend. So I ruined it with a good guy for a handsome asshole....and boy did I pay for it. The guy I cheated on is now still my friend and has been for almost 20 years. And I sometimes wonder what could have been.
But then I think I would have somehow messed it up anyway.

And the guy I once was married to all but asked me to marry him again...(actually I think he did..I am A LITTLE SLOW) a few years back and all I could do is tell him no because I already had genital herpes and I of course would not want to pass that on to him. Other than that I think I would have wanted to. I think that was a few month before I found out about my female issues. I don't remember. All I remmeber is thinking how fucking too late it is for me.... Oh it makes me so mad, when we were married we were apparently to immature, jealous and just too stupid to keep it together and later we would not have the chance to try again. Boy life is not fair.

And when I cannot sleep I will always go back in time and wonder how I could have lived my life different...would I have lived it right....?
or is there a right way....or would I have learned from ANY of my mistakes?
Maybe not!
But the mind is always trying to hold on to the thought that yes I could go back and do better. But the older I get I think I may have made the same mistakes.



Well it is 3:28 and I am still not tired enough to sleep.

Guess I will have to give up on sleep...lol...and now that I am working on glass of wine no.3....do I get a hangover in the next hour?!?....oh brother....guess I will find out.

Sigh....I am so not used to drinking anymore...but it seemed like a good idea.
My poor cat has been wondering for the last two hours why I have the lights on and am typing away on my laptop like a mad woman....

Well I am thinking very strongly that I am gonna throw myself into a little bit more of debt this week and finally get another tattoo to give me strength to go on. I have several things in mind and would like to see someone draw them up so I can see it.
I think that it's just something I need to do...to pick up more strength and keep me going.

Well it is now 4:20am...one more hour and my first alarm will go off.
Oh boy it is gonna be a looooong Tuesday. But hey lets stay positive I am gonna get up in an hour, take a shower...maybe wash my hair and go to work as normal, try to have a good day and then go home and die...lol
I am gonna be so damn tired....will need caffeine in the morn for sure.
Yes I had all but given up caffeine in order to be pregnant and be a mom
Well fuck it I am not anywhere near fraking pregnant and will have me some caffeine...
am so tired of cutting everything out of my life....and for what?

Well it is 4:38 and I am obviously not going to sleep...little toooo late now.
I would never wake up.
So i am gonna get up and take a shower and then I am gonna go to work...paste on a smile...and act like nothing ever happened and deep down I will be miserable as every day...and deep down I will still know...hello I cannot have children no matter how happy I act and no matter how much of a fake smile I will post on my lips that will be all pretty and red in just a few hours.

Caffeine here I come...

trying to get used to my life again

so now I am back in my reality...and I am trying to feel okay about it and be positive about it.

back to what is my life

So I had a great vacation and there was even several days that I forgot I was not normal...I was just a happy traveller amongst others. Nobody knew I was not a normal woman. And it was nice.....BUT

now I am back to what I call my shitty life...and it all came back to me and my life still sucks...or more so even now since I had 11 days of almost happiness.

so now I am just bummed