antoher week has passed

So another week has passed. It's autumn and it's almost halloween already. And then it's x-mas and then the new year already and then I am gonna be 29 for the 12th time.

No I cannot say or spell the actual number. I would burst into flames....lol

Wow this is surely not how I thought my life would turn out when I was 20 years old. I always saw myself married with kids like all my cousins are. I seem to be the only black sheep. My only marriage failed, I cannot have kids. I guess I am not normal. I feel like I messed up somewhere like I did all this to myself. The longer this whole process takes the more I loose the rest of my self-esteem, my desire to be around people, to leave my four walls. My only joy is cooking and enjoying food. Which of course leaves me with extra pounds and that brings us right back to the self-esteem....it's like a vicious cycle. And in my mind the only thing that fixes Everything is having a child....it's like an obsession. It consumes my sleep, it consumes me at work, it simply takes over my life. I used to be at least content whenever I was not happy. Now I am constantly anxious, mad, sad and very very tired. I shy away from people and hate to be out in public.

It is a strange life and a waiting game. It is tearing on me.......wearing me down.

And tomorrow starts a new week in the calendar. More waiting and more hoping that one day it will be me.

hmmm

Well my psychologist think I should do something this weekend that makes me happy.
Find something to do that I like.
Well that all would involve money and that I am fresh out of since I paid the clinic this summer.
Heck almost every day my head spins at the thought of how much money I owe.
So I am not about to spend any on eating out or a gym or some bull that makes me happy for
20 minutes.

So here I sit on my couch watching TV all day.........yeah

Gee I know what would make me happy that I already spend a shootload of money on.......sigh
I am so sick and tired of not being a normal woman....heck not all the exercise, going out to eat, hiking, relaxing or spending money on clothes or doing something freakin fun can;t make me happy.

Yes I am in a bad mood. I have too much time to mope on the weekends.

the CMV thing

Okay so they took my blood this morn.
And I got to talk to my nurse and finally found out that CMT thing is actually CMV...described like this by webmd:

Cytomegalovirus infection (CMV) is a viral infection that rarely causes obvious illness. The virus that causes CMV is part of the herpes virus family and, like other herpes viruses, may become dormant for a period of time and then be reactivated. CMV affects young children mainly, but it is estimated that by age 30 in the United States, half of all adults are, or have been, infected. The virus can pass from an infected, pregnant mother to her child through the shared blood supply (umbilical cord).Physicians recognize three clinical forms of CMV. These include: (1) CMV inclusion disease of the newborn, which ranges in severity from being without symptoms to being a severe disease affecting the liver, spleen and central nervous system, with possible developmental disabilities; (2) Acute acquired CMV infection, which is similar to infectious mononucleosis and characterized by fever, a feeling of beng not quite right (malaise), skeletal-muscular pain and the absence of a sore throat; (3) CMV in immunocompromised persons (for instance, people who have had organ transplants or who have HIV) with increased risk for difficult eye infections (CMV retinitis), gastrointestinal CMV, and encephalitis

So now they are testing me for that. And Monday we should know if we have a go to start again or if we do some more waiting that I love sooo much.

yes I am being sarcastic.
Sigh

sigh...this drives me soo nuts

So I finally get a phone call from my nurse and she tells me my donor still has CMT or whatever.
And now they want me to come in tomorrow and test me for CMT and then figure out if we just start going.
Wooooow
If this donor that I do not now Shoot about it yet has some disease why do I want her eggs?
And of course I am at work when she calls me and I cannot answer any damn questions with customers
right in front of my nose.
God I am so frustrated.
Thank god I have Fertility clinic appointment and then my psychologist so she can get me back to normal.
And stop me from freaking out.

Sigh........we shall see what this CMT thing is about and if I can find anything out about the donor

waiting again

Well I am back to waiting and waiting for a phone call with good news...wow I feel like they forgot about me....or like they do not care.
I know this is probably stupid but it seems the longer I wait the more doubts I have about me and the whole process.
I keep thinking (once I go overboard in my head) that people don't like me, they don't take me serious, that they take better care of couples.
Just seems all my self doubts stack up and multiply and go haywire.
This is soo much harder than I thought.
I think I am barely gonna make it thru the week and am really looking forward to seeing my psychologist on Friday. Talking to her usually gives my a glimpse of hope and a burst of energy.
But it barely lasts a few days. I just feel like I am slowly slipping and loosing control and let myself believe that I will never find a donor and never will........
Ahhh I don't even wanna write it out.

this is all very depressing.......seems like every one can have a baby but ME.

I pick myself back up every day and keep smiling while I really don't feel like it anymore.
It's stressing me.

So I keep on going and keep on waiting for my call
sigh

another weekend almost over

Well here goes another weekend...I was really to bummed and too tired to do anything.
Hoping for some good news about my donor tomorrow or maybe towards the end of the week.
So we shall see what happens.
I am not giving up yet.

no news

well these people at my clinic seem to think I have nerves of steel............well I freaking don't.
this sucks.......and as I told my psychologist last week I am not sure how much longer I will emotionally and physically be able to do this.......before i loose it...

sigh

yes big sigh.
Guess I got one more day for hopefully some news about the donor.
I am not sure I am prepared to have another donor not come thru...there has been too many.
I mean lets face it this has to work eventually ...right?

good days never last long.........

Well maybe it is Karma.....good days never last long.

Yesterday I found out that a former friend and co-worker of mine is pregnant after lots of drama with fertility drugs........And I could barely keep a straight face and smile to tell the girl that told me how happy I am for the other girl.......

I feel horrible that I can never truly feel happy for people telling me about their good news
because I am sooo angry about not getting any good news myself.
I feel like I am now officially the only person left in the world that cannot get pregnant.

I wish there would be more people online like me.
Just a single woman trying to achieve a dream that comes so easy for most everyone in the world.

Plus today I feel lonely and sooo alone....as good as I felt yesterday about not being with the guy that actually had someone else on the side today I keep stupidly thinking that at least I was not alone.........stupid yes I know.

Well 2 more days till I should hear some more news about my donor....(that I still know nothing about)

SO I keep on smiling and hoping that one day it will be my turn.......

today has been kinda a good day

Today has actually kinda been a good day. I saw my psychologist which made me feel good and gives me just a burst of energy...I went home and cleaned my apartment...its all spiffy clean now before I just did not care all weekend to clean it or how it looks....but once I felt better I cared....then I got a call from my clinic....the donor has a virus or something called CMV or CMT

and she will go in again on Friday and if she produced anti-bodies she is okay.

I had no idea what the heck they where talking about.

sigh

oh and I guy that kinda dumped me for someone else (after I accidentally found out about his other girl-friend) called me today and wanted to buy me a beer.......heck ya I am nosy so I went.

Oh my god I so got the longer end of that stick....after getting outta constant drama with kids

and ex-wife he now has the same drama with the girl-friend and spend the whole 2 hours talking about his problems.....boy did I get outta this one before I got really hurt......and besides my lil fertility problems and set backs....I really have no drama or issues.....I am soooo happy I do not have to listen to his problems any more....he could have been with me... problem free...stress-free but he ended up with a controlling obsessive psycho and seemed miserable....and the icing for me was I gave him the jewelry back that he bought me........now I am free and I drove home with a smile from ear to ear...........wow

1:0 for Savannah

me go girl

I could not stop smiling on my way home........wow I never have break-ups that make me soooo happy.

Ahhh yes I know I am a lil evil but this makes me soooooooooooooo happy and feel so good and glad I got out when I did before I got too attached........

ahhhhhh yes I know i am a lil evil but yes this has been a good day.....

sigh!

Well I am very anxious about tomorrow. My nurse is gonna be back and I will finally find out what is going on and I am scared.
I keep digging thru the Internet in hopes of finding more women like me. That are going thru this and maybe have some more advise or encouragement.....because I am about to throw in the towel and start back over later.....when i am not so frazzled and stressed and burned out any more.

Oh but hey silly me I guess I forgot that I am not getting younger and that I have early ovarian failure and am starting menopause.

Gosh my life SUCKS!

Well lets see what tomorrow brings.
Am gonna paste on my nice fake smile and keep going.

loosing faith

Not sure what to think anymore. Got to wait till Monday to hopefully get a call from my regular nurse. Not knowing what the heck is going on Sucks so big time.
I am discouraged, I'm am anxious, Stressed, more and more angry and another month has passed. I already went thru a whole month of birth control again and have gotten no news as to what is going on with the new donor...heck I don't even know shoooot about her. Don't know if we are still coordinating cycles or if we dumped another egg donor.
I think I am gonna loose it soon.

Monday I will call and find out what the heck is going on.
And then I am gonna go see my psychologist in the afternoon.

God I don't know how much longer I can do this......its insane.
The longer this takes the more frustrated, discouraged and MAD I get.

still waiting...

....for news about my new donor....still don't know if she passed.
My nurse out for a week....nobody else didn't tell me anything new.
This is insane.........
and stressing me badly.

confused

So I called my clinic today to find out what my nurse wanted on Friday.
She is off for a week and nobody knows.
Well this is not exactly helping my slowly fading confidence in the whole
process. Shoot.
How long does it take to coordinate 3 women's freaking cycles.
And I asked the nurse that called me back if there was anything in my
file as to what she might have called me for.....NOTHING
So i guess no bad news is good news?
Heck I am going to be a wreck soon.
How do people go thru this by themselves or even with a partner?

Worried about more bad news

Well I am having a 3 day weekend, hoping to get rid of some of my stress.
My psychologist cancelled on me yesterday right as I drove into the parking lot.
I was a little upset since I already had a bad week but I tried to not let it get to me.
And since I was heading for that appointment I put my phone on silent.
And then of course I forgot to change it. So I missed a phone call from my nurse.
She said to call her. No details........So now I am freaking out that it is more bad news.
I don't even wanna think about it what I am going to do if this donor does not happen
either. I am not sure how much more of this I can handle. I am about ready to give up.
I am ready to just get out of my job, the city and maybe the country...
I am so distraught with this whole progress.
I am broke as a church mouse, afraid to spend any money and so far in debt and got
absolutely nothing to show for.

This is soooooo difficult.

Well we shall see what the news are on Monday.

hmmmm!

How weird!

I called into work today because being so upset yesterday about work gave me a serious headache and my stomach is all upset.

But anyway so once I felt a little better I started watching a little TV. And I found and egg donation story line on "As the world turns". It kinda helps to think I am not the only one, but heck its fiction. So no it really doesn't.

But in a way it is nice to see that people think about me and others having this problem and integrate it into stories that are being shown on TV. It does kinda feel good.

But I still feel I am the only one in the world. And that I did something wrong in my life to deserve this. I have doubts about this lately and about everything else in my life.

I am not sure if I have ever been this unhappy. I feel like I am at a dead end and do not know how to continue from here......with the rest of my life.

Heck all I ever wanted was a man that loves me, kids and a house........and to be happy or at least content.

Ahhhh....crap I hate feeling depressed.

So here I go putting my smile back on and keep on trucking.........

Bad day

Bad day.....hate work
i don't know if I am more stressed because of all the waiting
or my job is really that bad.

At least I finally had a good cry...which i think I need with all this
donor stuff not going well so far this year.

I told my psychologist that I felt like I should have had a mini nervous
breakdown after my last donor fell thru.
She thought that I maybe just learned to cope an accept.
well I guess I am not accepting work so far.......or the bull going on there
and managers keeping a blind eye.....but one customer complains about me
and i get docked money........while others cheat to make money.
Ahhhh I better stop I had finally calmed down, and all without the help of chocolate
or comfort food.

well I keep on waiting for the good news of donor ready.

hanging in there

So I got another call from my nurse today.
She said that the new donor has to go thru 2 more tests and then
we are good to go.
Wow it seems to take sooo long.
I feel like giving up and getting my money back...pay of debt.
This waiting gives me too much time to think. I worry, I have doubts and
I am just all freaking out.
This weekend I decided to make some changes.
No more decaf coffee, only decaf tea, juice and water.
And more healthy food like lotsa cereal, fruits, veggies, nuts and dairy.
Lets face it all the stress and all the chocolate and cakes I have been
consuming make me look pregnant before I can even get there.
Sigh.
So more healthier eating like I used to.
And at least 30 minutes of some form of exercise every day.
So far I hadn't been worried about the future...what when I have a baby or babies.
I just figured it will all be okay.
No I am worried.......about the cost of raising a child or more.

Am I just so stressed with waiting that I am going a lil cuckoo?

I think so.....sigh

not much new

So I went to my psychologist again today...
I feel so much better afterwards.
Seems strange how talking to a professionl helps versus talking to
regular people. Guess I am always afraid of being judged or getting
negative comments on what I am doing.
So blogging and talking to my psychologist feels so much better.
I leave the office with a much lighter heart and a smile on my face.
And I just feel like my batteries have been recharged to face my daily
live again.
Sigh.

Still no further news from my fertility clinic. But I am learning to be more
patient.
And I am so excited.

Oh and I watched part of OPRAH today and saw this couple that has a website
that loans out money to people allover the world. And as little as 25 bucks can
help someone in another country start a business. And then eventually they pay
ya back.

Wow I thought that was soooo cool!

this is the website

www.kiva.org

still waiting

Well I am still waiting.
Everybody's cycle has to be coordinated.
The donor and me and the other recipient.
And then we start over.
Right now I am not to stressed with the waiting.
I am getting a lot of stuff around the house done to keep busy.
Will be seeing my psychologist again on Wednesday and am really
looking forward to it.
So that is it for now.