Nausea, headaches and now throwing up .....where is my honeymoon phase everyone has been telling me about?

I am supposed to be happy

....but I am too miserable to feel happy.
Most of my so called friends have all but abandonded me because I can never go anywhere....my mom thinks I am stupid for having a child and now being broke.
and i thought if all fails I could move in with her but i did not exactly get an invite....she is not at all excited about me being pregnant....I left that phone call in tears.......
My plan was to go home if i cannot make it alone here...wow now i am gonna be a broke homeless mom...yeah

things that I try not to worry about because I have not worked out the details people bug me about....good god I just wanted a baby before it is too late...is that so freaking hard to understand...I don't need a plan.....

i had a plan 16 years ago...I got married...moved to a foreign country, gave up an awesome job and planned on being a wife and mom...two years later i was divorced and stuck in a foreign country.
So no ...f-word no....I do not have a plan....

why can't I have a f-wording mom that gives a shit?

god i just wanna break down and cry
i feel so alone like nobody understands why i did this and why this means so much to me...and why i am in debt and did not care how this is all gonna work out....

is it so hard to understand? am I crazy?

Just had to throw up for the first time....hope that was just a fluke...sigh

feeling left behind and alone

so all my friends or what I thought were my friends are leaving me behind.
No messages on FB, no texting, no calls....seems if you feel like shit for 8 weeks it is your fault that u cannot hang out with them.
Ahhh a little compassion and the occasional how are u and do u need any help would be nice. I have two people taking care of my cats litter box because I am not allowed to. Well one promised me to do it today...but I have not heard from her and I am not gonna call and beg...guess i am gonna go later on and buy litter box number 3. And then worry about it in a few days again.
this sucks.....
everyone was all like I am so there for you if you need something....okay so am I supposed to beg for help or could someone ask?

jeeeez

it seems like people forget you if u can't go drinking and hanging out with them.
well at least I know where i stand....good to know and makes some of my decisions about the future much easier.

questions

• prenatal vitamins $45 a month...do they have to be that expensive?...wow
• why are maternity clothes so freaking ugly?
• and who the heck wants to wear horizontal stripes to look even bigger?

baby update

yes i know this blog is about my road to get pregnant and now that I am pregnant I will not say anything about my baby.

It is kinda strange because I do not wanna talk or post about the baby. I am somehow afraid something is gonna happen.

Am I weird?

Anywhooo as of today I am 13 weeks and 5 days.

The little one is fine....mom still not....

I went to a specialist last week to check for down syndrome and birth defects...cause I am old...good thing the egg donor is young.

First round of tests everything is normal....I have two more in december.

I have tons of pics and even a little movie...I saw the baby move and kick and move his little mouth.

Oh and I got in to the habit of saying "HE" because I do not wanna say it.

So although I do no wanna find out if it is gonna be a boy or a girl I will say "HE" from now on.

Right now everything is going so slow while I feel so miserable.

I wanna feel kicking instead of nausea...I wanna start getting a belly and not just because I am constipated...lol....sigh

I wanna get to my honeymoon phase everyone keeps promising me.

sigh

This pic is at 11 weeks and 2 days at my last fertility clinic appointment when they woke him up and he started kicking his little legs out....

am I ever gonna feel human again?

I still feel nauseous pretty much all day long.
I now heave migraines and headaches.
And i keep gaining and loosing the same 6 lbs.
Eating is a task that I can hardly manage.
And everyone keeps telling me that I feel better soon....well...nice....
I can hardly wait....hope that happens soooooon...

I love food or I used to .....now i can't hardly eat anything

so at 12 weeks and 4 days I am waiting for the pleasures of the second trimester that everyone keeps telling me about

Today is my last visit at my fertility clinic and then I will upgrade to a normal gyno....how weird after all this time

......

So it seems that things are coming together nicely in my life. It seems like the puzzle is coming together slowly.
Is it crazy that that makes me worried and kinda suspicious?

Well parents are coming around nicely...told first person at work...and she is sooo very happy for me.
As of this morning I thought I had no maternity leave ...now I have 40 days paid
and some kinda of phase back program where I don't work full time for a month or so but get paid full pay. And I get an extra 10 days vacation unrelated to pregnancy.

So this is all nice but strange....but it takes a big worry of of me.

I am soooo glad I never gave up. So glad I always made myself go. So glad I always forced a smile and kept on going.

Hey I am kinda proud of me

feeling sick all day again

Well since last Wednesday or thursday i started feeling sick all day again.
Thursday I barely made it thru work and was so tired and exhausted that I was in bed by 5 pm. friday I called in and laid in bed all day...
Saturday i managed a little grocery shopping and laid in bed the rest of the day.

Today so far i feel ok.....sigh

I am happy and excited and want time to pass faster...but I have to admit going to work is getting rough when u feel horrible all day.
But hey I made it this far so I am gonna make it.....4 more days of shots...which I am happy about because the itching bumps on my hips cannot handle no more.


haha i saw a t-shirt on ebay that said: yes I am pregnant! and no you cannot touch my belly...

haha that would so be me...lol

10 weeks 1 day.....still feeling goofy in the morning and evening

pregnancy ...a funny thing

wow i have never been this nauseous and tired in my life.
No hangover you ever had could prepare u for this....haha

Okay so seriously....my 24/7 morning sickness is slowly getting better. Now I am nauseous for a bit in the morning for a few hours and then later on around 6
or 7. But I can eat and finally put some pounds back on.

As badly as i always wanted a man around when I am pregnant. Now I am glad I don't have one. I am sooo nauseous sometimes I could not even kiss someone.
There is days I cannot remember when I had a shower....the other day I noticed I had not shaved my legs in two weeks. Or pluck my eyebrows....
It had gotten pretty bad till I started feeling better.
Lol, I had scared myself.

I truly feel for men living with a pregnant woman...wow...that is rough.

oh and I can finally eat sweet stuff again....like pies or scones....
I could not do that for weeks....so yummi i eat a lot of whatever i can tolerate right now...

9 weeks 1 day....slowly feeling better

conflicted about herbal teas

So I still feel nauseous and I don't want to drink sodas to make me feel better.
So I decided to buy ginger tea because peppermint tea gave me more heartburn.
Now I had one cup of ginger tea and felt better but then started reading the label which I usually read before buying but hey I really don't feel good.
So I bought 2 packages and one has camomille in there which is on the do not drink list and the other obe has blackberry leaf. stevua leaf and lemon myrtle leaf.
So I guess i will drink no tea and wait till I feel better.

Wow i am getting kinda paranoid about what to eat.
But I think I rather have people think me crazy and overreacting then be sorry.

But it sucks when u are cold and cannot drink a tea...hmmm...hot chocolate I could do but me and sweets still do not do so well.

Hey but i am not complaining ...I am soooo happy even though I may not look like it...hehe

not hungry ever

okay so this nauseous and never hungry thing is wearing me down.
And now just when I thought I was over the super tired thing I am tired again too.
Today I could not force myself to get out of bed and go to work.
I have to force myself to eat and I am not hungry for anything...I have no appetite whatsoever...lol....which is so not like me....I love food.

I am still nauseous 24/7 and have a very hard time just getting water in me.
Today I am soooo tired I already had two naps and it is only 4pm....sigh

All my friends are meeting up for Oktoberfest tonight and I am too tired and lazy to even put make up on....but they have to understand.
me and the little one come first.

parents slowly coming around ...dad is excited and mom apologized on answering machine for calling me crazy for spending money to get pregnant...needless to say I hung up on her.

well they still don't know the full story and they may never...
my two best friends do...

i truly don't care what my family thinks but I am not in the mood for controversy right now....
I feel like shit every day and don't need more things to make me miserable...

I wanna be a happy pregnant mommy and I am

Both my parents first question ....is there a man?....no there is not...

Well i guess my dad is kinda excited and my mom thinks i am stupid

strange day

I am tired of telling people and their weird ass reactions

yes I am 41 and no I do not have a boy-friend or husband and no I am not getting married and no I am not a lesbian (okay nobody asked the last one yet)

back to Happy Mode...people can kiss my ass

yes and I am working on not cursing...sigh

Going to acupuncture...hopefully it takes care of my nausea so i can eat

7 weeks 6 days

and I feel absolutely miserable...hehe

I had all these plans to eat all healthy and perfect and now I can hardly eat...i am sooo nauseous...
So I am doing the best I can.

I had decided no caffeine, no sodas, no herbal teas...just water and orange juice. But today I had to have a small glass of ginger ale because since yesterday I was almost unable to eat or drink anything. I have been nauseous 24/7 since Thursday morning and it had gotten worse every day.

Hey I cannot live of of dry bread....sigh

So today I resorted to ginger ale and caffeine free peppermint tea.
Yesterday my progesterone shot had been very painful ...so bad that i could not sleep. I kinda switched sides but have a hard time doing the left because I am right handed ..so since I had not been feeling good and got lazy and did the right side because it is easier ....but now I have to do the left.
oh well couple more weeks hopefully...am sure I can handle it...

tomorrow i have acupuncture and that will hopefully fix the nausea...
So I can eat .....and drink a lot more.

Yes I am a first time mommy and I would like to do everything perfect....silly I know