Tired....

of being depressed and not knowing why.
I have to work some overtime tonight and I have been bummed all day.
Maybe it is the thought of having to go to work...since I really hate work
these days. I don't know. I am just not snapping out of feeling blah and sooo tired.
I've barely gotten of my couch today. I haven't even left the house. Gosh I hate when I am like this. I hate hormones...they suck...lol

I am thinking of something I could do that would make me happy. Besides shopping since I have no money.

Well I guess all I can do is make it thru the rest of the day....go to my dreaded working overtime (hey I need the money) thing and then tomorrow when I've slept off my working overnight shift hopefully I will be in a better balanced mood and place.

And hey it is not too much longer till NASCAR stuff starts on TV so that will bring a little happy back to my life....yes!!

nothing to report

now I am just waiting again....

I am in one of those cry-whiny moods that I hate and I am not sure why i am in a mood.

sucks

good just never seems to last

So I am in an excellent mood all day and I feel all positive about life and everything and then of course i have to go to work. And there is no place I hate more these days. I left sooo mad. So I vented to a friend and was kinda okay afterwards. Then I file my taxes to find out I get less than half of what i got last year. So now I am all bummed and depressed.

why does good never last?

is it me?

things are back on track

So today as I was just drving home from work I got a phone call from my clinic.
And I was told the couple will share the donor. So we are back on. All the donor has to do is go to see the psychologist and pass that and then we are good to go.
Looks like things are looking up a bit.

still no word...

from my egg donation coordinator....uhhh such a fancy word.

Sometimes I really feel like I do not get the same attention because I am just a single woman and not a couple. hmmmmm

well lets not get goofy.

so today I had a nice encounter with an infant and I did not cry afterwards or have a mini nervous breakdown...yeah for me.

this must sound so weird for normal/fertile people but it is reality to me.

no word yet

So I never got a phone call yesterday.
But that is okay. I mean those people are being asked to share a donor.
So they are probably a little freaked out and they have to think about it.
I mean that means instant siblings of sort. So I am sure they could not give
and answer right away.

Wow sometimes I only think about me in this whole thing. Never about the other
parties involved. It's gotta be difficult for them too. I am in it alone and the other recipients are always couples but still it's not easy for anybody.

I read a blog yesterday where one woman wrote about her adventures with infertility.
and she was all okay about using a donor from the beginning which i could not understand. And it took a bit for the husband to come around. It was very refreshing to read that someone was soo cool with the whole idea. It surely made me feel better.
I usually try not to read to many blogs because it is always about couples. Never a single person like me so that is kinda depressing.

And then the thing that really freaked me out the other day was reading the blog of a young woman that was actually kinda upset with her mom for using a sperm donor and now is trying to find that donor. But she seemed so angry with her mom.
So I guess I am worried how that will turn out for my child. I don't want my child to hate me in 15 years. Scary!
But I guess that is one girl unhappy with her situation.

I am gonna try to provide all the info for the egg and sperm donor that I can.
But I am also gonna try to be the best mother that I can and hopefully my child or children will not feel the need to search for their biological donors.
And who knows maybe I will find a dad for my child one day.

Hey but lets have a child first...I am not worried about the man to go with me and the offspring.

So lets just wait to hear who the donor is going to be.

So I went to go look at new donors

Okay so I am trying to be all upbeat about this.
I went shopping for my baby momma today. HAHA

Okay seriously I went to go look at new donor options. There was 3 potential candidates that are willing to share recipients (half the cost).
Two of them had abortions at one point in their life which I more than hate.
And one is part Filipino which I am not.

I used to want to pick donors that looked like me or kinda like me. This time I decided to make a smart and not emotional decision. I picked the one with the best eggs and the most follicles. So I picked the most fertile girl in the bunch. So now I just have to wait for a phone call from my nurse/coordinator to let me know if the couple that has already picked her is willing to share.
It would save them half the cost, but of course their child and mine would be some sort of related which off course is rather odd. The donor herself does not have any kids yet.
Very strange feeling but hey if there is no other way you get over a lot of hang-ups you may have had.
And for number 2 I picked a really cute light Hispanic girl. She also had an abortion once and has no kids now. But she is already 30. And the last one is half white half Filipino and cute and has one kid.
They all seem to be very smart and have some sort of degree and are healthy.

I still don't feel very comfortable picking mom and dad for my child but it seems to be my only option other than adoption.
I spent a year now to try to revive my own stuff with acupuncture but I seem to have failed. So now I am doing what I think i have to.

So now I sit and wait...I better be good at waiting because there is gonna be a lot of it.
This is a new start a new year. I wanna be very positive and hopeful about this and about everything in my life. Maybe I was not ready two years ago that is why things did not go well with the last donor. So now I have took a year off and I am ready to start fresh.

Infertile World here I come.
lol

ENOUGH!!!I

So enough of this taking a break stuff. Monday I finalle made me call the clinic
and I left a message for my egg donation coordinator and told her I want back on the list. so she called me back and told me to come in any time and look at the book.
Wow they have a book now...so that means they have a lot more donors now.
So I am going Friday and find me a Mama for my baby, lol, Papa is still waiting in a freezer somewhere.
As I am writing this I am joking and at the same time tryig to hold back tears.
But nevertheless I am determined to do this.

Friday here I come...donors beware.

lol././sigh

I am stalling

so I am major stalling and I do not know why.
I have just been in a funk since I came back from my Christmas vacation.
I need to call the clinic and tell them I want back on the donor list.
But why have I not done that?
I have no idea.

But I am gonna call the latest by Monday. I have too! I am not getting any younger
during this.

And the way the Economy is who knows how much longer I still have a job.

So I need to get my lazy, scared ass of my couch and continue this journey I have started more than 2 years ago....one year break should be enough.

Well this business is nothing for wimps that's for sure.

Back to egg donation I go.

yeah!

so life goes on...

Christmas is over and I survived.
Upon returning to work I hear about more people being pregnant. Of which one had 3 kids already taken away by court. Has two running around under 3 which she does not take care of. And I ask myself whatever did I do that I do not deserve ONE baby and this girl is having no.6 and does not take care of any of them.

Things like this is what makes this so hard.

Also I am already dragging on my decision that I was supposed to make.
And I don't know why? Am I scared all of a sudden or just lazy and tired.

So once again this is not really a Road to Pregnancy ...it just seems like a road to NOWHERE....

a new year and of course new hope

despite some small difficulties xmas was not so bad after all.
I made it thru a lot. Even a few new baby arrival news and one infant and mommy visit.
I did not cry and was glad not to be asked to hold the baby or the dreaded question as to when am I gonna have one.

guess once you are over 40 people stop asking?

Gosh this sounds so stupid to my ears even. I am afraid of baby news and seeing new babies...how sad to be this messed up.

Sometimes I think I am just numb...sometimes nothing bothers me anymore.

Xmas sucks for the infertile people.

lots of up and down days

Well after a week and a half of feeling super depressed I finally starting feeling better. Or so I thought. Once I was mentally better I started pysically feeling bad.

lol it's not easy being me.......sigh

still feeling like shit

...wow so I hate being depressed and being unable to fix it.
It really sucks....It's been almost seven days since I feel like this and I do not like it. I am getting back to hermit mode where I do not wanna see people, hear people or be around people.
And of course people take you the wrong way when you stay away from them.
And who can blame them.
Maybe I have a hard time with x-mas coming up.
I don't know but I need to snap out of it.

man one of these days I will spend x-mas in Hawaii where nobody knows me and I will not have to pretend to be happy and not pretend I am not the black sheep or at least the odd ball in my family.
One day I will go to hawaii and be miserable for xmas by myself instead of with my family and their feuds and other issues they drag out for x-mas for the past 30 years.

one day.....sigh

I hate being hormonally challenged

so I have been in a bummed kinda goofy mood and don't even know why. Glad I have the weekend off now because I really hated being around people and really don't know why.
All I know is that I hate being hormonally challenged and in such a funk witout knowing why.

sigh

I am my own worst enemy ....

yet again I seem to be my own worst enemy.
I try so hard...I try so damn hard to be in a good mood and put on a brave face every day. I hate to cry because i think it is such a weakness. And i had to cry after trouble at work because then I think they have won.

Well according to my acupuncturist that is what is causing my stress. WORK of course and trying to be all happy. I need to cry.

Great!!!

I worked a double shift and cannot even relax or sleep so I got me a 8 oz bottle of one of those Smirnoff drinks at the gas station. Yeah the clerk looked at me all sad like he thought I do this all the time. No buddy, I usually do not get uselessly drunk so I can blare loud music into my headphones and have me a good cry.
No I do not....
because I am trying sooooo hard to be a mom that I had stopped drinking caffeine, stopped drinking alcohol, no junk food and I had lost 20 lbs and try to exercise to be a good and healthy mom.

But it seems every 3-4 months now I have to get drunk and have me a good cry to survive.

The stress at work is killing me, it is killing my efforts. And yet I cannot afford to quit because I need the money and the insurance.

Turns out stress shows up in the form of sinus problems. Stomach aches and problems.
And my latest and favorite. Chest pains. So bad that I think I cannot breath or go on at work.

So yet again by trying to do so good and be so brave I am my own worst enemy.

GREAT....

yeah life sucks and infertility sucks even more .....especially today.

I cannot remember the last time I felt this bad and fell this deep.

boring weekend

For some reason my hormones seem to be up and down or outta wack.
Friday I was in an all good mood.
And Saturday and today i was just kinda bummed and tired and just did not do anything all day long..

i hope it passed I like the happy me a lot better.
I like being in a good mood a lot better.

So hopefully I will snap out of it.
I better!!!!

I had a good day

So yesterday I had a really good day.
All my friends were busy and there is no more racing and I was feeling bummed and anxious all week so I decided to just have a fun day by myself.
And it was a good day and I got lotsa compliments.

First my dermatologist told me that I do so not look my age.
I was so baffled all I could do is say: "Thank You!"

Then the gals at my post office told me that I always look so nice whenever I do come in.( I do go there a lot since I sell on ebay).

Then I had lunch at my favorite restaurant. And did a little shopping for me at JCP.
And got great bargains so I was in a great mood.

And in the evening I went to TGIF with a friend that I had not seen in a few months and he told me I looked a lot younger since the last time he had seen me.
And this is a guy that does usually not even notice when I drastically change my hair color.

So damnnnn yesterday made me feel so good about myself. Maybe my 20 lbs weight loss is showing now. Or my new facial products I gifted myself last week?

Lol

whatever it is ...It feels soooo good, especially when ya left the house thinking you look like shit or at least not your best.

So now I am off to start another day and hopefully this will give me more confidence to interact with people and be around kids. Yesterday all I saw was pregnant women every where I went. I even made myself chit-chat with one about the due date...that was rough...but I did it.

So here I go off to another day.

feeling kinda blue today

So I am feeling kinda blue today....work was stressful.
When I left work I either wanted to cry or hit happy hour.
Well I did neither and went walking instead.
Made me kinda feel better.

But today was still weird...I was cry-whiny in my car and I almost
cried while walking.
Had to really pull myself together.

Strange day....but I refuse to give up and break down and cry.

Another day.........

...so I made it thru another day.

It had it's ups and downs but i managed to keep on smiling.

Yesterdays feelings of restlessness and anxiety gave me a huge stomach ache all day today.

But then it finally got better and I just refused to be in a bad mood.

So of I go to sleep getting ready for another day.