mood: good

yes I am in a good mood...had a great weekend.
Reconnected with a few old friends. Some which of I thought I would never see or talk to again.
so I am really in a good mood.
I am calm and content.
So all I can do is keep doing what I have to do and wait for my next Doctors appointment and wait what they tell me.

doing okay

So I am doing okay...I am kinda dreaming and I am kinda excited.

And of course I feel almost guilty for it. I guess in my head I somehow believe that if I do not get to excited about what could be in a few weeks that I will not fall so far if it does not happen?

Well it made sense in my head....maybe not written down.

So I am trying to keep all positive and happy.

Which is not easy for me....but hey I have come this far...

yeah me.

Doing the Lupron shots has been kinda easy...it does not even hurt.

Hey I could almost become a nurse now...lol

soo tired but good

So my week started off with way too much drama. Turns out I owe my clinic $35 for an office visit. And that is why the woman caused me all this drama on Monday. Wow so unnecessary. But I let my nurse know. She always makes me feel better and puts be back to calm and normal.
Also I am doing acupuncture twice a week again. I need all the calm I can get.
Also we are doing acupuncture treatments in preparation for transfer.

Today is my 3rd day of the Lupron shots. And I am doing so well with injecting them. I am so proud of myself.

For some reason being this close seems unreal...surreal?
and it is a little scary for some reason....hmmm

Very strange indeed and I am trying not to be excited.
But I am calm and that is good.

I can do this...yes I can!!!!

My fertility clinic sucks

or so I think today.
Everytime I have an appointment I see different people who know nothing F-ing about me. Today I got all my meds and start Lupron shots tomorrow...no time line no idea how long...no further info given.
I asked for a schedule or calendar like they gave me the last time. So I was handed some paper that did not make any sense to me and told to put a date on.
These people stress me sooo much that I am so afraid.
Then I get to the check out and the gal has to talk to some other chick forever.
Then she comes back to tell me that they are REVIEWING my account.
Oh let me guess ...y'all want yet more money? I told her to define reviewing which of course she would not.
so now I have another appointment next thursday (and hell no i don't even know what for) and then I am sure they are gonna hit me for more money.
Well good luck....I am about taped out.

Stress cannot be good can it?

I hate my infertile life!!!!!

still recovering from Surgery

So I am still recovering from surgery. I feel so tired and worn out...didn't think I could feel any more tired and unmotivated...but I do.
Was already tired before...lol

well one more week and I have another ultrasound to see if everything is okay
and then we go on from there...

mood: kinda excited and kinda proud of me

Hysteroscopy went well

So my hysteroscopy went well. Or so they say! Check up in two weeks.
I must say for some reason I was really scared and just worried.
The nurses and all the doctors were so nice and sweet that it made it really easy.
I made this hurdle so ...bring it on...next hurdle please

mood today: confident.!!!!

yeah!

birth control.........

.........gives me severe headaches.
So today is my 5th. day of birth control and my 3rd day of a freaking headache.
Today it was so severe that I could not even get up to go to work. Like I can really afford to stay home.
Wow I have to take stuff to make me feel like shit just so I can eventually have a child...wow.....the longer this takes the less this all makes sense to me...

And for the past few days I am kinda falling into a deep depression again and having constant headaches is not helping.

So I put my smile back on and keep on trucking.......

Expiration date

So this morning when I was making breakfast I looked at the eggs that I threw in my pan. And they have an expiration date stamped on the eggshell....
And I was thinking to myself I wish my eggs would have came weith a stamp that says when they expire then I would not be were I am now.

Sigh...

so...finally

I started my period and have my hysteroscopy scheduled for next week.
Not looking forward to it...scared somehow although I was told it is a simple procedure.
And the recovery time is apparently very short.
So I already have a follow up ultrasound scheduled for April 13th and then I start Lupron already.
And on May 11 I will have a transfer if everything goes well.

I am trying really hard not to get to excited...

sigh

finally

so it looks like I am finally gonna have my period tomorrow. Damn and I cannot believe that i am actually excited about that and blogging about it...that is just sick.

But at least I will finally get to schedule this surgery and get on with my life

still waiting...

and it is driving me absolutely crazy...it seems my life is always on hold for something

sad news

.....someone really close to me passed away today. And I am very upset.
To think that I will never see her again and she will never see my future children. She would always say that she may never see me again...this time she was right.
I wish I could have seen her more and I wish I would have called her more.
All I have now are my memories and pictures. And hopefully a keepsake that someone in the family will safe me.
I have had about all I can take.....

May she rest in peace...I loved her so

still waiting

....but I am a little more confident about this surgery...little less panicked.
I am thinking maybe this is my year...hey I gotta get lucky some time.
So I am trying to remain confident. Doing more things with friends, being more social and try to just have some fun.

been in good spirits

So I have been in a good mood.
The weather is gorgeous and I am tired of feeling bad and being in a bad mood.
hehe

So I am gonna enjoy being almost happy for a while.

another one hit the dust

so another one pretty much hit the dust.
Guys don't stick around when presented with problems.
And no I do not feel to elaborate on the subject anymore.
I am a big girl, I am a little warrior and I am moving on.

I cannot sleep

so it is once again Sunday night and I cannot sleep.
I tried to do the "I-am-a-normal-woman-human-being-thing" tonight and hang out with the guy that has been kinda showing an interest in me. Since I can never sleep on Sunday nights anyway I figured why not go to his house and watch a movie, have some beer and just cuddle. So I did. Well he asked me to spend the night so we were laying down all nice cuddled up and just talked. Apparently I am easier to get along with than I was 10 years ago. So we are talking about old times and family and all sorts shit until he asked me how come I have never gotten pregnant...oh my god I just wanted to die. So I did the immature thing and asked: Pregnant? why? and by whom?...and he asked or could I not get pregnant and I just said I did not want to talk about it. Yes that was really so mature of me. NOT!!! I felt horrible, and trapped and I did not know what to do and just wanted to leave. Or have him just hold me. But he fell asleep and started snoring so I woke him up and told him I was leaving. He said whatever so I guess that is not a good thing. I let myself out and gone I was.
then I texted him that I was sorry for leaving.

Well and now it is 3am in the morning and I have had no sleep and will have to be at work in about an hour.....

Gosh I am such a f-ing idiot.
I am soo stressed out right now because I do not know how he will react and I feel like such a immature moron. So I guess tomorrow or whenever i will have to give him the talk about "ALL" my shortcomings...And then I can watch and see which one makes him run for the hills faster......

And here I dreamed that I could actually hang out with a guy and be normal.
Well I guess I was wrong.

why am I always having to wait for my period?

Okay the . So during this whole infertility thing I always find myself waiting for my period to go to the next step...that is just wrong on soooo many levels.
Now I am waiting so they can schedule my hysteroscopy. So I have no clue when that is gonna happen. Well I kinda do. It will be in the next few weeks. I am very nervous.
And yesterday the guy I have been hanging out with this week asked me how I was doing health wise because he knows I had a cyst and an ovary removed 11 years ago. And I could not even tell him: Oh by the way ...the woman you seem to like right now is still messed up, even more so now.

All my life I was waiting for Prince Charming or just a guy that loves me and would tell me he would love to have a child with me....somehow I never got so lucky. I am not saying that this guy now would all off a sudden tell me that now.
BUT I think life would be very cruel if all of a sudden someone would do it now that I am older and only partial woman anymore. I don't know maybe I am just scared that someone will like me, really like me for who I am even with all my issues. I guess I am just so used to having bad relationships and always getting dumped or rejected. All I know is this guy hung out with me two days this week and is talking all sorts of stuff we will do in the future and it scares me.

Gosh I need a shrink....oh wait that one dumped me too....lol

Well I am gonna try to remain calm and see where live takes me.
Hey what have I got to loose? At this point really nothing.
So life bring it on!!! I am almost ready!! ROOAAARRR!!!

life can be nice too me....

until I remember....sigh
So I had two nice days where I got to hang out with a friend (well someone I dated 10-12 years ago) and with people that are from the same country we are from. And it has been very nice and I had almost forgotten about all my shortcomings and issues.

Problem is the guy seems to like me....WTF?
And I must say it has been very nice to have someone tell me (well text me) that he had a great time hanging out and that he remembers why he fell for me the first time. And that I am pretty and that I smell good. Holy crab I cannot remember the last time someone said anything remotely that nice to me.
So needless to say I am very flattered. I feel comfortable with him and I like hanging out. Makes me feel like a woman...which I keep forgetting that I am one.
BUT here comes the huge BUT.
I just feel bad already because I know I am gonna have to tell him about my issues and why we can't date......so yeah life is gonna suck again ........

And I am undecided if I should enjoy it for a little while longer or if I should tell him sooner than later....

ah shit why can't I be a normal woman and have relationships like everyone else?
I wanna say the F-word really loud right now!!!!

I don't feel good...

.....but then what else is new?
I have been hot and tired all day. I think I even have a fever.
So to sum it up...I feel like shit. And the fact that it is 80 something degrees outside is not exactly helping.
I just wanna sleep and sleep and sleep and then maybe wake up when this nightmare is over....

sigh

I am stressed!

But then what else is new. Bang now I owe more money again and it drives me crazy. And the upcoming surgery is gonna cost me even more. Wow I have no idea how I am gonna do all this. And on top of all I am scared of this surgery. I cannot loose any more female organs or I won't be a damn female anymore.
I already don't feel like one anymore.
So I am stressing big time!

Plus now the thought is slowly occurring to me that this could all fail and
I will be out of a shitload of money with absolutely nothing to show for than a broken heart.

I am so not prepared to even think about that. How do I keep going?