Well once again ...not so good news

So I had my appointment today for a Saline sonogram (yikes! not fun) and a blood test before we can start with a new donor. Needless to say I hardly slept last night. I had a feeling that something was wrong. It seems like in the last 8-10 years every time I have any form of sonogram there is something wrong with me. Well and unfortunately I was right. I have a polyp and it needs to come out.
So I got an overload of info in about an hour and could hardly hold my self together. So I have a polyp ( hell I am gonna have to look that up first to know what the hell it exactly is) and they need to take it out via (heck I am gonna have to find the paper they gave me to think of the name) HYSTEROSCOPY.
Heck I don't even wanna read all the info on it...I have a few more weeks till they do that. So I was already nauseous from the procedure and the not so good news.
Then I go to check-out and have to sign all the paper work for my new donor and surprise there is also a new balance of $ 2.1oo. Needless to say I was unaware and very unprepared for that. So all I could do is hold my tears back and hand over my visa card and demand an itemized printout which made absolutely no sense to me. They called me later and explained but I am still confused and I am terrified of how much money I owe again. I am still not sure how I made it thru work. So tomorrow I am gonna have to call my insurance company and see how much more this surgery is gonna set me back.
And Friday I will be pounding the pavement and the Internet for a second job.

So the only good news in all this is....the donor does not mind waiting till this is all done....which will take at least 6-8 weeks. ( hey what is 6-8 weeks when you have been at this for almost 3 years and according to my new fat bill already lost 4 donors). And the other recipient has the same problem as I do and has to have surgery as well. Hmmmm!!! Not sure that makes me feel better. Well maybe in a way it is good to know that it is not me alone that is seriously messed up.

This year was gonna be the first time in over 10 years that I was gonna spend my tax return on something other than bills and debt. But I guess now I cannot really do that.

So I have been waiting all day for the tears to come streaming down as soon as I am not around people anymore. But no nervous breakdown yet.
How can I always be so close and then loose again?
I am not ready to give up!!!!!
I will manage somehow as I always do.

am very nervous

So I have my appointment tomorrow. And I am scared. It seems like I never don't have anything wrong with me when doing a sonogram.
So I am trying not to think about it and hope that I can get some sleep tonight.
Well hopefully things I am afraid of most ist that I am being told that we cannot do this anymore because my body is more fucked up than before.
Well we shall see.

got new check-ups scheduled

So I got my new stuff scheduled.
And for some reason I am all stressed and bummed out. Been depressed all week. I hate how I could only have an appointment on Monday and have to leave work and then go back...sucks.
I hate how they tell me over the phone real quick what kinda tests they are gonna do. I have no idea what it is. Do they only treat me this way because I am single and not a recipient couple? Hell I don't know but I hate worrying about shit like that....that clinic stresses me out even more.

So now I am gonna search the internet to find out WTF a saline sonogram is.
yeah....

so....

I gotta call the clinic tomorrow so they can schedule all my tests....not getting excited about nothing....just gonna take it day by day....

waiting ....

so I am waiting for my period.....5 years ago I never thought I say that out loud.
Always dreaded it now I am waiting for it...so I can call the clinic and they can get blood and do testing to get my charts updated on my current health or lack there off for their files before we start allover again.

Almost there...yeahaaa
Well hopefully my monthly curse is the reason I have been soooo horrible tired for the past at least 10 days. I can only hope that there is nothing else wrong with me.
Well since they are gonna take my blood I am sure they would know. If it does not go away I guess I am gonna have to see a doctor. It is very unusual for me to take a 3 hour nap every day after work for more than a week. I am almost falling asleep on my way hoem from work. So hopefully just a wonderful side effect of being a woman as my body seems to come up with new versions of PMS or PMDD or whatever they call all this shit.

So now I wait and then hope that all my test at the clinic come out fine and that I am still woman enough to do this...sigh

So and now I am gonna get up and make myself do something cause I could already go back to bed and I just barely had breakfast

been soooooooooo tired

Okay so I don't know what is wrong with me now. For the past almost two weeks I have been very very tired. I come home from work and I am so tired that I have to lay down and I fall asleep or 2-3 hours. Very unusual for me.
So I hope this is not a sign for something being wrong with me.
Jeez for how long can I be soooo tired?

another egg donor hits the dust

wow ...
so another egg donor hit the dust. This one did not pass the psych evaluation.
And the funny thing is I kinda had a feeling that she would not. And I am not sure why but I did. Plus i could tell by the my nurse's voice.
Wow it is so sad that I can already predict these things.

And I am not even upset because somehow I knew.

But the good news is we have a new one that has lotsa eggs and makes babies.
YEah!
Wow that does sound weird even to me.
I have come such a long way from the first PERFECT donor. Now I am almost down to all they have to do is be alive and breathing. Yes I guess I am that desperate now.

Gosh I am sooo scared...

I do not know how much more of this I can handle.

And pretty soon I am gonna shut down any alcohol consumption again which is gonna make it harder.

It helps to get drunk now and then or just have a beer for calmness.
Okay back to yoga it is. Better for me anyway.

Well so lets see what happens next

tired

so I have been feeling really tired and down in the dumps.
Trying to do whatever to make me feel better or put me in a better mood.
So far ...no good...sigh

While I was at an appointment I missed a call from my nurse.
So I have to wait till tomorrow to hear what the news are.

I think I can always hear it in her voice if it is good or bad.
And I did not like her voice in the message.

Sigh!

so I am waiting

So no news from the clinic yet.
Still waiting....but I am okay with that.
I am a little more chillaxed I think....since I almost kinda forgot about
it for a little bit this week.

Tired....

of being depressed and not knowing why.
I have to work some overtime tonight and I have been bummed all day.
Maybe it is the thought of having to go to work...since I really hate work
these days. I don't know. I am just not snapping out of feeling blah and sooo tired.
I've barely gotten of my couch today. I haven't even left the house. Gosh I hate when I am like this. I hate hormones...they suck...lol

I am thinking of something I could do that would make me happy. Besides shopping since I have no money.

Well I guess all I can do is make it thru the rest of the day....go to my dreaded working overtime (hey I need the money) thing and then tomorrow when I've slept off my working overnight shift hopefully I will be in a better balanced mood and place.

And hey it is not too much longer till NASCAR stuff starts on TV so that will bring a little happy back to my life....yes!!

nothing to report

now I am just waiting again....

I am in one of those cry-whiny moods that I hate and I am not sure why i am in a mood.

sucks

good just never seems to last

So I am in an excellent mood all day and I feel all positive about life and everything and then of course i have to go to work. And there is no place I hate more these days. I left sooo mad. So I vented to a friend and was kinda okay afterwards. Then I file my taxes to find out I get less than half of what i got last year. So now I am all bummed and depressed.

why does good never last?

is it me?

things are back on track

So today as I was just drving home from work I got a phone call from my clinic.
And I was told the couple will share the donor. So we are back on. All the donor has to do is go to see the psychologist and pass that and then we are good to go.
Looks like things are looking up a bit.

still no word...

from my egg donation coordinator....uhhh such a fancy word.

Sometimes I really feel like I do not get the same attention because I am just a single woman and not a couple. hmmmmm

well lets not get goofy.

so today I had a nice encounter with an infant and I did not cry afterwards or have a mini nervous breakdown...yeah for me.

this must sound so weird for normal/fertile people but it is reality to me.

no word yet

So I never got a phone call yesterday.
But that is okay. I mean those people are being asked to share a donor.
So they are probably a little freaked out and they have to think about it.
I mean that means instant siblings of sort. So I am sure they could not give
and answer right away.

Wow sometimes I only think about me in this whole thing. Never about the other
parties involved. It's gotta be difficult for them too. I am in it alone and the other recipients are always couples but still it's not easy for anybody.

I read a blog yesterday where one woman wrote about her adventures with infertility.
and she was all okay about using a donor from the beginning which i could not understand. And it took a bit for the husband to come around. It was very refreshing to read that someone was soo cool with the whole idea. It surely made me feel better.
I usually try not to read to many blogs because it is always about couples. Never a single person like me so that is kinda depressing.

And then the thing that really freaked me out the other day was reading the blog of a young woman that was actually kinda upset with her mom for using a sperm donor and now is trying to find that donor. But she seemed so angry with her mom.
So I guess I am worried how that will turn out for my child. I don't want my child to hate me in 15 years. Scary!
But I guess that is one girl unhappy with her situation.

I am gonna try to provide all the info for the egg and sperm donor that I can.
But I am also gonna try to be the best mother that I can and hopefully my child or children will not feel the need to search for their biological donors.
And who knows maybe I will find a dad for my child one day.

Hey but lets have a child first...I am not worried about the man to go with me and the offspring.

So lets just wait to hear who the donor is going to be.

So I went to go look at new donors

Okay so I am trying to be all upbeat about this.
I went shopping for my baby momma today. HAHA

Okay seriously I went to go look at new donor options. There was 3 potential candidates that are willing to share recipients (half the cost).
Two of them had abortions at one point in their life which I more than hate.
And one is part Filipino which I am not.

I used to want to pick donors that looked like me or kinda like me. This time I decided to make a smart and not emotional decision. I picked the one with the best eggs and the most follicles. So I picked the most fertile girl in the bunch. So now I just have to wait for a phone call from my nurse/coordinator to let me know if the couple that has already picked her is willing to share.
It would save them half the cost, but of course their child and mine would be some sort of related which off course is rather odd. The donor herself does not have any kids yet.
Very strange feeling but hey if there is no other way you get over a lot of hang-ups you may have had.
And for number 2 I picked a really cute light Hispanic girl. She also had an abortion once and has no kids now. But she is already 30. And the last one is half white half Filipino and cute and has one kid.
They all seem to be very smart and have some sort of degree and are healthy.

I still don't feel very comfortable picking mom and dad for my child but it seems to be my only option other than adoption.
I spent a year now to try to revive my own stuff with acupuncture but I seem to have failed. So now I am doing what I think i have to.

So now I sit and wait...I better be good at waiting because there is gonna be a lot of it.
This is a new start a new year. I wanna be very positive and hopeful about this and about everything in my life. Maybe I was not ready two years ago that is why things did not go well with the last donor. So now I have took a year off and I am ready to start fresh.

Infertile World here I come.
lol

ENOUGH!!!I

So enough of this taking a break stuff. Monday I finalle made me call the clinic
and I left a message for my egg donation coordinator and told her I want back on the list. so she called me back and told me to come in any time and look at the book.
Wow they have a book now...so that means they have a lot more donors now.
So I am going Friday and find me a Mama for my baby, lol, Papa is still waiting in a freezer somewhere.
As I am writing this I am joking and at the same time tryig to hold back tears.
But nevertheless I am determined to do this.

Friday here I come...donors beware.

lol././sigh

I am stalling

so I am major stalling and I do not know why.
I have just been in a funk since I came back from my Christmas vacation.
I need to call the clinic and tell them I want back on the donor list.
But why have I not done that?
I have no idea.

But I am gonna call the latest by Monday. I have too! I am not getting any younger
during this.

And the way the Economy is who knows how much longer I still have a job.

So I need to get my lazy, scared ass of my couch and continue this journey I have started more than 2 years ago....one year break should be enough.

Well this business is nothing for wimps that's for sure.

Back to egg donation I go.

yeah!

so life goes on...

Christmas is over and I survived.
Upon returning to work I hear about more people being pregnant. Of which one had 3 kids already taken away by court. Has two running around under 3 which she does not take care of. And I ask myself whatever did I do that I do not deserve ONE baby and this girl is having no.6 and does not take care of any of them.

Things like this is what makes this so hard.

Also I am already dragging on my decision that I was supposed to make.
And I don't know why? Am I scared all of a sudden or just lazy and tired.

So once again this is not really a Road to Pregnancy ...it just seems like a road to NOWHERE....

a new year and of course new hope

despite some small difficulties xmas was not so bad after all.
I made it thru a lot. Even a few new baby arrival news and one infant and mommy visit.
I did not cry and was glad not to be asked to hold the baby or the dreaded question as to when am I gonna have one.

guess once you are over 40 people stop asking?

Gosh this sounds so stupid to my ears even. I am afraid of baby news and seeing new babies...how sad to be this messed up.

Sometimes I think I am just numb...sometimes nothing bothers me anymore.