still feeling like shit

...wow so I hate being depressed and being unable to fix it.
It really sucks....It's been almost seven days since I feel like this and I do not like it. I am getting back to hermit mode where I do not wanna see people, hear people or be around people.
And of course people take you the wrong way when you stay away from them.
And who can blame them.
Maybe I have a hard time with x-mas coming up.
I don't know but I need to snap out of it.

man one of these days I will spend x-mas in Hawaii where nobody knows me and I will not have to pretend to be happy and not pretend I am not the black sheep or at least the odd ball in my family.
One day I will go to hawaii and be miserable for xmas by myself instead of with my family and their feuds and other issues they drag out for x-mas for the past 30 years.

one day.....sigh

I hate being hormonally challenged

so I have been in a bummed kinda goofy mood and don't even know why. Glad I have the weekend off now because I really hated being around people and really don't know why.
All I know is that I hate being hormonally challenged and in such a funk witout knowing why.

sigh

I am my own worst enemy ....

yet again I seem to be my own worst enemy.
I try so hard...I try so damn hard to be in a good mood and put on a brave face every day. I hate to cry because i think it is such a weakness. And i had to cry after trouble at work because then I think they have won.

Well according to my acupuncturist that is what is causing my stress. WORK of course and trying to be all happy. I need to cry.

Great!!!

I worked a double shift and cannot even relax or sleep so I got me a 8 oz bottle of one of those Smirnoff drinks at the gas station. Yeah the clerk looked at me all sad like he thought I do this all the time. No buddy, I usually do not get uselessly drunk so I can blare loud music into my headphones and have me a good cry.
No I do not....
because I am trying sooooo hard to be a mom that I had stopped drinking caffeine, stopped drinking alcohol, no junk food and I had lost 20 lbs and try to exercise to be a good and healthy mom.

But it seems every 3-4 months now I have to get drunk and have me a good cry to survive.

The stress at work is killing me, it is killing my efforts. And yet I cannot afford to quit because I need the money and the insurance.

Turns out stress shows up in the form of sinus problems. Stomach aches and problems.
And my latest and favorite. Chest pains. So bad that I think I cannot breath or go on at work.

So yet again by trying to do so good and be so brave I am my own worst enemy.

GREAT....

yeah life sucks and infertility sucks even more .....especially today.

I cannot remember the last time I felt this bad and fell this deep.

boring weekend

For some reason my hormones seem to be up and down or outta wack.
Friday I was in an all good mood.
And Saturday and today i was just kinda bummed and tired and just did not do anything all day long..

i hope it passed I like the happy me a lot better.
I like being in a good mood a lot better.

So hopefully I will snap out of it.
I better!!!!

I had a good day

So yesterday I had a really good day.
All my friends were busy and there is no more racing and I was feeling bummed and anxious all week so I decided to just have a fun day by myself.
And it was a good day and I got lotsa compliments.

First my dermatologist told me that I do so not look my age.
I was so baffled all I could do is say: "Thank You!"

Then the gals at my post office told me that I always look so nice whenever I do come in.( I do go there a lot since I sell on ebay).

Then I had lunch at my favorite restaurant. And did a little shopping for me at JCP.
And got great bargains so I was in a great mood.

And in the evening I went to TGIF with a friend that I had not seen in a few months and he told me I looked a lot younger since the last time he had seen me.
And this is a guy that does usually not even notice when I drastically change my hair color.

So damnnnn yesterday made me feel so good about myself. Maybe my 20 lbs weight loss is showing now. Or my new facial products I gifted myself last week?

Lol

whatever it is ...It feels soooo good, especially when ya left the house thinking you look like shit or at least not your best.

So now I am off to start another day and hopefully this will give me more confidence to interact with people and be around kids. Yesterday all I saw was pregnant women every where I went. I even made myself chit-chat with one about the due date...that was rough...but I did it.

So here I go off to another day.

feeling kinda blue today

So I am feeling kinda blue today....work was stressful.
When I left work I either wanted to cry or hit happy hour.
Well I did neither and went walking instead.
Made me kinda feel better.

But today was still weird...I was cry-whiny in my car and I almost
cried while walking.
Had to really pull myself together.

Strange day....but I refuse to give up and break down and cry.

Another day.........

...so I made it thru another day.

It had it's ups and downs but i managed to keep on smiling.

Yesterdays feelings of restlessness and anxiety gave me a huge stomach ache all day today.

But then it finally got better and I just refused to be in a bad mood.

So of I go to sleep getting ready for another day.

Jane Seymour commercial

So I am just watching TV and this commercial comes on with Jane Seymour selling her jewelry...and I hear her say the following


"If your heart is open love will find it's way in"


I just thought that was beautiful. And something I should definitely keep in mind and take to my heart more often...

Jeez now I get wisdom from commercials...sigh

feeling not so young but restless

Well today I am feeling really anxious and restless.

It is a very strange feeling and I am not used to it.
I kept logging on to my computer...logging of my computer....could not concentrate on anything on TV...and I am so not hungry which is very unusual for me.

It's like I have no patience to wait for the work week that has not started yet to be over. Or I cannot wait for Christmas to get here and be over. Or cannot wait to see the people I care about but yet I am anxious to leave them again.

A strange feeling indeed.

I am trying to shake it but I can't. And since it is Sunday evening I am worried that I will not be able to sleep. I have trouble on Sundays.

I had a great weekend and I got to spend an evening and half a day with a guy I really like. And I think he may like me. Or so it seems.

Maybe that is why I am feeling weird....

Because I know eventually I would have to tell him about all my issues and hope he may not care...

I don't know what makes me feel so weird today but I hope it goes away.
I cannot predict or change the future regardless....so why can I not just sit still and quiet and see what it brings me?

keeping the positive going...

....so I am trying to be happy just for the hell of it...lol
I had a great afternoon. Bought me something nice and expensive at Bath & Body Works.
Then treated me to a nice Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks and sat on a bench in the sun for 2 hours just enjoying the day and the people.
And I had such positive thoughts going and was in such a good mood I could even smile at the little kids walking by without tears coming to my eyes or bitterness coming to my heart...it was nice.

I enjoyed just being there ....sitting in the sun.

I am very proud of myself today.

on a positive note

so on a positive note...as of today I have lost 19.7 lbs and I am very proud of myself....originally I wanted to loose 20 more but maybe i will just go for 10...
I don't wanna be a size 7 again....I like myself a little fuller.

So this is a good thing and I feel good about it so i am building onto this positive thing in my life and go from there.

Hey sometimes I think...hey it's just life how hard can that be?

The other night I had a really stupid dream that kinda freaked me out when I woke up.
After years of wanting a baby in my dream I finally had one..and I was living with my mom. The baby was wrapped tight in a blanket and laying on top of a chest of drawers peacefully sleeping all day. And I would just sit in the same room in a chair watching it. And people would come into the room and ask me if I had been feeding the baby or done anything with it...and I just sat there because I did not know I had to do all that.
Ahhh what I nightmare I woke up and felt horrible. I finally had a baby and had either no interest or no clue....
dear god...I was bummed and depressed all day and then I finally snapped out of it.

I hate when the mind place stupid tricks on ya.

BUT today I will have a wonderful day....because I choose to.

tired of it all

Well I have not been feeling well and still don't know what to do.
I am just always tired.

sigh

I really wanted to start back with egg donation....but now it is so close to x-mas and nothing happens over x-mas.
Also work is more stressful than ever and stress will make it not work.

Also members of my family are letting me know of job offers back home.
But in order to move I would have to be pregnant since egg donation is not allowed in the country I would move home to.

So I am like f-d either way again.
I wish I could just p/u move and worry about a baby later but I am running way out of time on that one...

what am I supposed to do?

still confused

well I am still confused about life.
with the economy being so bad I am afraid to loose my job or get my hours cut
and there already has been unpleasant changes at work. So i worry and I stress
and neither one is gonna get me pregnant.
It's like a never ending vicious cycle....for me.
while there is people out there that do drugs and drink and randomly have sex with tons of people but they do get pregnant and then treat their kids like shit or kill them....

heck someone explain that to me!!!

3am and I cannot sleep

well I could not sleep last night and I figured it is just my usual Sunday night anxiety of oh-my-god-I-have-to-go-back-to-work-on-Monday.
But here I am 3am on Tuesday morning. Guess I could sleep even less on Monday night.
I went to bed with already a few thoughts on my mind and figured I will forget and go to sleep.....yeah right....that did not work out. The more I laid in bed and watched TV the more I started thinking and the more I started daydreaming. Then at
1am in the morning I decided to call one of my co-workers so she can wake me up in the morning. She immediately started telling me a lot of stuff that she needed to get of her chest which stressed me out even more...so now it is 3am and I decided to blog to clear my head. And in addition I am having a glass or Merlot that will either make me goofy enough or drunk enough to go to sleep.

Wow I do not even know where to start. My awesome-stress-and-infertility-thought-free-vacation already seems like a hundred years ago. First of every one at my work is worried about getting their hours cut or loosing their job. It has happened to many in the same field. Then my car is giving me trouble again. The A/C seems to be going out and it smells like it's gonna die again. So I already am worried about all these things.
And mostly I still have not decided yet when I will go back to egg donation. I have another b-day coming up and it is not making this any easier...

I am still too chicken to tell my parents about this and it is making me sad and I feel soooooo f-ing guilty....but I can't.

I am trying so hard to keep positive and just live my life but it is not easy.
I don't hardly drink anymore, I don't go out, I don't date. I don't do anything.
And to make matters worse I had one of my customers hit on me before I left for my vacation. I used to be such a flirty and outgoing person. Well I am so out of it that I first didn't even realize that I got hit on. And then I felt like an idiot and got almost kinda flustered. He told me I had his number now and to call him.
Well I had family in town and then went on vacation 3 days later and never got the chance....but I also did not want him to think I was blowing him of so I texted him and let him know that. And we have kinda been texting ever since. Yes I was too chicken to call and apparently so is he since we are still texting.
But I am thinking why even bother. He lives in another state and lets face it I have far to many issues that I would eventually have to tell him about so why even bother.
Why?
Easy!!! Because it makes me feel so good that someone actually liked me and thought that I was cute and wanted to get to know me. So needless to say I started dreaming...and then of course I wake up and realize no guy is ever gonna want me with all my problems....so it is just a matter of time.
And then I have to tell him and he will be gone.

Wow wine at 3am makes me more sad.....but hey maybe crying will make me feel better or tired.

A few hours ago I was listening to a friend who was telling me about her son getting a divorce and seeking custody of his kids because his wife cheated on him while he was in Iraq and the kids had to see it all and plus she did not like the military life and just likes to party. Wow stories like that just floor me.....here I am I would die to just have one child. Hell I would die to have a guy tell me that he loves me soo much that he wants to have a child with or heck I would just love to have a guy tell me that he wants to have a child with me.....(without it being just a plot to get me into bed) and here is this woman that leaves all that behind.
I was married once to a guy in the military....and all I wanted is a baby and be a stay at home mom and I would have happily cleaned and taken care of a child or children and my husband....but I never got so lucky. I don't understand these women that have it all and throw it away. I am not saying I never cheated on anyone but in front of my kids, I could have never done that. The few people in my life that I cheated on I feel like life as already paid me back for. I did once cheat on a guy that was in Saudi Arabia with a guy that I once thought was the love of my life and he ended up cheating on me so many times and even with my best friend. So I ruined it with a good guy for a handsome asshole....and boy did I pay for it. The guy I cheated on is now still my friend and has been for almost 20 years. And I sometimes wonder what could have been.
But then I think I would have somehow messed it up anyway.

And the guy I once was married to all but asked me to marry him again...(actually I think he did..I am A LITTLE SLOW) a few years back and all I could do is tell him no because I already had genital herpes and I of course would not want to pass that on to him. Other than that I think I would have wanted to. I think that was a few month before I found out about my female issues. I don't remember. All I remmeber is thinking how fucking too late it is for me.... Oh it makes me so mad, when we were married we were apparently to immature, jealous and just too stupid to keep it together and later we would not have the chance to try again. Boy life is not fair.

And when I cannot sleep I will always go back in time and wonder how I could have lived my life different...would I have lived it right....?
or is there a right way....or would I have learned from ANY of my mistakes?
Maybe not!
But the mind is always trying to hold on to the thought that yes I could go back and do better. But the older I get I think I may have made the same mistakes.



Well it is 3:28 and I am still not tired enough to sleep.

Guess I will have to give up on sleep...lol...and now that I am working on glass of wine no.3....do I get a hangover in the next hour?!?....oh brother....guess I will find out.

Sigh....I am so not used to drinking anymore...but it seemed like a good idea.
My poor cat has been wondering for the last two hours why I have the lights on and am typing away on my laptop like a mad woman....

Well I am thinking very strongly that I am gonna throw myself into a little bit more of debt this week and finally get another tattoo to give me strength to go on. I have several things in mind and would like to see someone draw them up so I can see it.
I think that it's just something I need to do...to pick up more strength and keep me going.

Well it is now 4:20am...one more hour and my first alarm will go off.
Oh boy it is gonna be a looooong Tuesday. But hey lets stay positive I am gonna get up in an hour, take a shower...maybe wash my hair and go to work as normal, try to have a good day and then go home and die...lol
I am gonna be so damn tired....will need caffeine in the morn for sure.
Yes I had all but given up caffeine in order to be pregnant and be a mom
Well fuck it I am not anywhere near fraking pregnant and will have me some caffeine...
am so tired of cutting everything out of my life....and for what?

Well it is 4:38 and I am obviously not going to sleep...little toooo late now.
I would never wake up.
So i am gonna get up and take a shower and then I am gonna go to work...paste on a smile...and act like nothing ever happened and deep down I will be miserable as every day...and deep down I will still know...hello I cannot have children no matter how happy I act and no matter how much of a fake smile I will post on my lips that will be all pretty and red in just a few hours.

Caffeine here I come...

trying to get used to my life again

so now I am back in my reality...and I am trying to feel okay about it and be positive about it.

back to what is my life

So I had a great vacation and there was even several days that I forgot I was not normal...I was just a happy traveller amongst others. Nobody knew I was not a normal woman. And it was nice.....BUT

now I am back to what I call my shitty life...and it all came back to me and my life still sucks...or more so even now since I had 11 days of almost happiness.

so now I am just bummed

taking another break from a break

So I am already on break form egg donation and was trying acupuncture for almost a year now...no success at least not for the using of my own eggs.

Anyways so now I am taking a break from everything and am gonna go on a little vacation and then I am pretty sure I will go back to egg donation. Lets face it I may run outta time here soon altogether....

So lets hope I can relax enough to enjoy my vacation....we shall see!!
I am gonna try to have fun and enjoy every minute of it.

back to egg donation?!?!

so I think I have made up my mind? or haven't I?

Why do I care so much if I have a child with my egg or someone else's?
Let's face it how many kids do not look like their parents?
My cousin has two kids and one looks nothing like her or her husband.
Why do i care?
shouldn't I just want a child? Let's face it I am not getting any younger.

just tired

Today I am jsut tired and a little confused.
I slept till noon....and now I have no energy and don't feel like doing anything or even being awake...too lazy to go a litle shopping and to make me anything to eat.
i jsut kinda don't care about anything today.