still finding it hard to tell the truth and the whole truth

so I have been down a long long road and yet I still have only told about a handful of people the whole truth.

It is truly amazing how oddly people react when you get pregnant with a sperm donor. Apparently it would be more socially acceptable for people or maybe just easier for them if i would have fucked around with some looser and then accidently gotten pregnant by having unprotected sex...

Truly amazing how truly ignorant the people in my immediate life are.

I did not even have the guts to tell my parents about the egg donation part or any of my co-workers because their strange reactions about the sperm donor and the fact that I am not getting married already upset or shocked them.

Am I a coward? yeah maybe....but for right now I am just trying to be as happily pregnant as possible..

Baby first and everyone else last....

what's been going on with me?

so what is new with me?

Well I had family in town and was not on the computer much because I actually had a life for once...haha

I had a lot of fun...and most important I have been able to eat and have been growing a little baby bump in hte last 2 weeks...guess food tastes better now and it is nice not to have to eat alone. Now my company is gone and I am super depressed...been crying all day. Took me two hours to finally get up and start laundry. And I am already not hungry again.

And what really aggravates me the most is that most of my so called friends no that my family left today so ...hello could someone care?

hmmmmm

Had a wonderful xmas with my one supporting parent....and got little cute baby clothes....20 weeks today

Finding baby clothing, if u don't wanna know if it is a boy or a girl, is nearly impossible.
baby shower will be difficult....sigh

baby update

baby is fine...weighs about 8oz.

and heartbeat is fine

but I had another very annoying doctors visit...more later...gotta cool down first

I burnt my belly.....

Boy I am such an idiot...I have soup cooking on the stove and stand on my toes to grab something (totally unimportant) out of the cabinet above the stove...and I guess I forgot I had a little belly and burnt it on the rim of the pot. It is not bad just looks like a little scratch...
So i hope I did not freak out or upset or hurt the baby...

boy this is gonna be fun if I am gonna be clumsy with a belly from now on.
Wow.
thank god I have a doctors appointment tomorrow so they can put my mind at ease...sigh

gosh I am soooo stupid

I have a baby bump

hehe...
all of a sudden in the last two days I developped a baby bump over night..
this is soooooo cool...

I finally feel good enough to be happy.

And to get things cleaned, washed and organized at my house...

yeapeeeeee

yeahaaaaa I can eat

I can eat ...its a miracle...
the weird thing is I still don't crave food and am not hungry but I can eat.
Went to a buffet two days in a row with friends and had salad ( I used to eat salad almost every night for dinner but have not had any in 3 months), tacos and different soups....
I was waiting to get sick from eating all this different stuff but i felt fine.
I am so excited...hehe

keeping my chin up

So i am trying my best not to let the world or shall I say my family put me down.
And the ones not supporting me don't even know about the egg donation part just the sperm donor part....wow many conservative people in my family.
guess they would have rather seen me turn into a miserable alcoholic with 17 cats then have a baby the NOT-NORMAL way.

very strange to me.

Hey i may be far in debt and have no plan as in how to afford a 2 bedroom apartment or how to make it with my paycheck but I have friends that will help me and although I am not super religious I do believe that since god got me this far he will get me the rest of my way.

I am the happiest I have ever been ...even if I don't look it and even when I feel miserable.

And I stick with the one cat....haha...I don't miss getting drunk and stupid at all....I just sometimes miss coffee....especially my pumplin spice latte....but i got to smell it the other day...it smelled great....
SMILE

sigh

sigh I don't feel pregnant I just feel like shit....
no end in sight...still nauseous...still can't hardly eat...no appetite....no cravings.

no baby bump....

lol ...I should stop complaining ...last time I said i wanna feel pregnant was in week 5 and shortly thereafter I got slapped with 24/7 nausea...hehe

So I stick with my nausea and daily headache and all my other issues because i can't handle more stuff wrong with me or I am not gonna make it to work anymore.

So I have a few maternity clothes now that I have to keep pulling up because I have no belly to hold them up yet...I am getting more excited as the nausea wears off a bit but overall I feel to bad every day to even remember half the time what day it is...

But I am hanging in there ...

also have another appointment with a specialist coming up....

2nd doctors appointment

and how dissapointing...all they did is take my blood pressure, make me pee in a cup, weighed me and listend to my babys heartbeat real quick.

heartbeat 140 ...very good

then I threw a few questions at the nurse practioner and I was outta there...

sigh

I had a notbook with half a page of questions...I wanted to be talked to....I wanted to get an ultrasound with a new baby pic.....sigh
I felt a little bit neglected and like I had gotten some real bad customer service....

Is it me? or is that normal?

sigh

oh and I can eat beef jerkey....yeah...my new and almost only source of protein

had a good day yesterday

so yesterday I had a good day and went to see my friends in the evening. First time in like 2+ months. It felt nice to get dressed up and put make up on and hang with people I have not seen in sooo long.

I hope to have more days like that now.....I even had some pizza yesterday....yummi

bassinets or cribs

hmmmm

so I finally allowed myself to look at baby stuff at target the other day.

And I was thoroughly overwhelmed with strollers, cribs and stuff.

Wow...I was confused.

So for the past few days I did some online research and browsing and came to the conclusion that I wanna get a bassinet and then a crib. This all is not easy if you don't know if it is a baby girl or a baby boy. And in my case I do not wanna know..So starting of with a neutral bassinet seems reasonable and then I can go nuts in boy or girl pattern after the baby outgrows the bassinet.

I am so glad I have a savings account just for baby stuff so I can go a little crazy.

so here is my for now choice for a bassinet:

Nausea, headaches and now throwing up .....where is my honeymoon phase everyone has been telling me about?

I am supposed to be happy

....but I am too miserable to feel happy.
Most of my so called friends have all but abandonded me because I can never go anywhere....my mom thinks I am stupid for having a child and now being broke.
and i thought if all fails I could move in with her but i did not exactly get an invite....she is not at all excited about me being pregnant....I left that phone call in tears.......
My plan was to go home if i cannot make it alone here...wow now i am gonna be a broke homeless mom...yeah

things that I try not to worry about because I have not worked out the details people bug me about....good god I just wanted a baby before it is too late...is that so freaking hard to understand...I don't need a plan.....

i had a plan 16 years ago...I got married...moved to a foreign country, gave up an awesome job and planned on being a wife and mom...two years later i was divorced and stuck in a foreign country.
So no ...f-word no....I do not have a plan....

why can't I have a f-wording mom that gives a shit?

god i just wanna break down and cry
i feel so alone like nobody understands why i did this and why this means so much to me...and why i am in debt and did not care how this is all gonna work out....

is it so hard to understand? am I crazy?

Just had to throw up for the first time....hope that was just a fluke...sigh

feeling left behind and alone

so all my friends or what I thought were my friends are leaving me behind.
No messages on FB, no texting, no calls....seems if you feel like shit for 8 weeks it is your fault that u cannot hang out with them.
Ahhh a little compassion and the occasional how are u and do u need any help would be nice. I have two people taking care of my cats litter box because I am not allowed to. Well one promised me to do it today...but I have not heard from her and I am not gonna call and beg...guess i am gonna go later on and buy litter box number 3. And then worry about it in a few days again.
this sucks.....
everyone was all like I am so there for you if you need something....okay so am I supposed to beg for help or could someone ask?

jeeeez

it seems like people forget you if u can't go drinking and hanging out with them.
well at least I know where i stand....good to know and makes some of my decisions about the future much easier.

questions

• prenatal vitamins $45 a month...do they have to be that expensive?...wow
• why are maternity clothes so freaking ugly?
• and who the heck wants to wear horizontal stripes to look even bigger?

baby update

yes i know this blog is about my road to get pregnant and now that I am pregnant I will not say anything about my baby.

It is kinda strange because I do not wanna talk or post about the baby. I am somehow afraid something is gonna happen.

Am I weird?

Anywhooo as of today I am 13 weeks and 5 days.

The little one is fine....mom still not....

I went to a specialist last week to check for down syndrome and birth defects...cause I am old...good thing the egg donor is young.

First round of tests everything is normal....I have two more in december.

I have tons of pics and even a little movie...I saw the baby move and kick and move his little mouth.

Oh and I got in to the habit of saying "HE" because I do not wanna say it.

So although I do no wanna find out if it is gonna be a boy or a girl I will say "HE" from now on.

Right now everything is going so slow while I feel so miserable.

I wanna feel kicking instead of nausea...I wanna start getting a belly and not just because I am constipated...lol....sigh

I wanna get to my honeymoon phase everyone keeps promising me.

sigh

This pic is at 11 weeks and 2 days at my last fertility clinic appointment when they woke him up and he started kicking his little legs out....

am I ever gonna feel human again?

I still feel nauseous pretty much all day long.
I now heave migraines and headaches.
And i keep gaining and loosing the same 6 lbs.
Eating is a task that I can hardly manage.
And everyone keeps telling me that I feel better soon....well...nice....
I can hardly wait....hope that happens soooooon...

I love food or I used to .....now i can't hardly eat anything

so at 12 weeks and 4 days I am waiting for the pleasures of the second trimester that everyone keeps telling me about