don't wanna do this anymore

Well my female stuff is more messed up then ever...2 periods within 2 weeks...althought this one is more my normal date.
I don't hold out much hope anymore for ever having my own child.
All I see right now is me soending thousands and thousands of money every month
and I got nothing to show for.
Heck I could have had a complete body makeover for all the money I have spent.
Or taken a trip around the whole damn world...not that I would have enjoyed it.
Heck I don't enjoy anything anymore. I have been in this rut that I cannot get out. I never have any energy for anything....Cleaning or shopping or anything.
The only thing I do is go to work so I can pay of my debt. And half the time I do not even know how I dragged myself to work. Guess I only go there because it pays my outragous bills...
Other than that I do not even wanna leave the house. I feel fat, ugly and like a broken woman...not a real woman and I feel like everyone looks at me like that poor childless woman that is to stupid to have children.

I am just so tired of defining my whole life by this one thing that is wrong with me that affects everything and has for about two years.

I am just not me anymore.........and I HATE IT

still all messed up

still no good news here....seems like things are getting worse and I just wanna stop everything I am doing ...take a break from it all and pretend I am a normal fertile woman.......

as if........yeah right

I don't know ......

...anymore........
I have just had nothing good happening to me lately........
I feel like I am going thru a series of tests ....to see how much I can take.
Well I can't take no more.
But I refuse to accept that I will never have a child or children regardless of what other bullshit happens to me.

I feel blue, depressed and just worthless........

My ovulation chart is all messed up again........it was perfect for several months and the last two it has been totally off. Also I keep forgetting to take my temperature in the morning.

Well here it is another Friday night and I will sit here depressed........

I need some good news....a kind word..........something

bouncing back

so I am bouncing back slowly but steadily....
This blog was supposed to be about getting pregnant one way or another. Here lately it has just been about me feeling like shit.

I need new energy, new goals and I need to make this happen.

feeling a little better

So I am feeling a little better. I got a facial, colored my hair and decided when ya feel like shit you should look good.......sigh

I am not sure how much longer I wanna deal with fertility issues....its all getting old and soooo much money down the drain and nothing to show for. I could have bought a car or went on a vacation around the world. I read about all these people that have great success with acupuncture and Xango why can't I have some better results with anything I do?
I am tired of being the loser........I wanna have some luck..........I want something to go right for me..........

I don't wanna go to work with a pasted smile on every day....I wanna be genuinely happy .....I have been trying so hard.....

I am so tired

of bad news...I was just thinking this week that I need a break. That life needed to throw me some kinda bone that makes me wanna continue on.

But all I got is my my five year old car smoking and dying on the Interstate.......sigh.....I took it fairly calm and then started waiting for my nervous breakdown. That did not happen. But I am having such a hard time just going on with a smile at work or interacting with people period. As soon as I am alone in the bathroom or in my car the tears just start rolling. I have just had enough. Also I had to tell the cutest, sweetest nicest man I have met in 10 years or longer, today that I have genital herpes (yes on top of all my fertility problems). Needless to say the wonderful evening of kissing I had yesterday is probably not gonna repeat itself. I am so depressed I don't even know how to set one foot in front of the other today. I just wish I could go back and fix my life. I have known him for about 10 years and we always just emailed and texted and then decided to meet. We had so much chemistry and he is a true Knight in shining Armor, a true gentleman and treats a woman right. And I have nothing to give him but friendship.......too late for my Knight in so many ways.

Gosh I wish I could just crawl in a hole and sleep for 3 weeks.

wanna roll over and give up.....

But I am NOT going to. Hell no!
Well I did my blood test on the 2nd day of my period. I got my results. Estrogen 100 and it supposed to be 50....well shit. Also I have a cyst....well what else is new....I have them all the time.
So I was a little devastated yesterday....I thought I was prepared...
I kinda felt like smoking a cigarette and I haven't smoked in ten years. Then I felt like getting uselessly drunk but I think I am to grown up for that now..lol...plus I wanna be a mom and not get drunk because I cannot handle being disappointed. Wow I am growing up. Sigh!
I also don't wanna eat to make me happy anymore. I can handle this. One way or another I am gonna have a child, and I am not gonna get drunk when I am upset, I am not gonna start smoking and I am not gonna continue to shuffle food into me.
As of this week I will exercise again. I want my body back that I had before all this started.
I bought a total gym and I am gonna use it.
Hell NO I am not giving up. I will be back at the clinic in 30 days for another test. And then we shall see.

I am not sure how I do it....but I am handling this all better than I would have given myself credit for.

I rock!!!

little less panicked

So I am a little less panicked now. My chart finally does show that I ovulated. Later than, way later than usual....but oh well I did ovulate.
So now all I have to do is wait for my period to go get my FSH Level tested.
Thanks to my acupuncture treatments I hardly have any PMS symptoms except that I feel tired with no energy today.
But that is fine I don't have to do anything today....maybe a little laundry and cleaning up while watching lots of TV.

still not sure what is happening with me

Well I am in better spirits and i have more energy than I have had in a long time.
But other then that things are not going so well....I know that travelling and stress can mess with your ovulation or your period but I am still a little worried that I might for the first time ever in my life not have a period. But I also went to one of my acupuncture treatments today and voiced my issues and concerns and we worked on my problems and on my way home I felt slight cramping and back aches......lol and that after complaining that I have had no PMS symptoms besides one pimple.
Heck for more than 20 years I used to PMS for almost two weeks (filled with every symptom on he planet) and now that acupuncture got rid of my PMS symptoms I am complaining and worried.
Little nuts.

Well regardless if acupuncture won't fix my messed up female parts...it fixed my sinus and my headaches/migraines and my PMS.
So it was worth it anyway.
Also I am taking Chinese herbs and XANGO(www.xango.com). None of this is cheap but it is worth it to me.
So lets see what is gonna happen.
I am glad I am in better spirits.

sigh

Today is my first day of in two weeks and I woke up at 6am because I forgot to turn off my alarm. And then of course I could not go back to sleep. And I already feel like crap early in the morning. Yeah!!!
My place needs lots of TLC and lotsa cleaning but I already feel tired and without energy.
Oh and I am tired of blogging or talking about it too....so I am gonna go have another cup of decaf and hope for a better mood........sigh

still discouraged and don't know anymore

Well I am very discouraged with this whole "s..t".
My temperature chart for this month is all screwed up and I am very sure I did not ovulate. I am so in tune with this whole ovulation thing and temperature thing now that I noticed right away. Plus I had some hot flashes again so now I am afraid that all my hard work with acupuncture was for the birds. And I am supposed to see my nurse at the clinic when I get my period to test to see about my FSH level. Well if I don't ovulate I am sure that is gonna be high again too. I am so frustrated my last three cycles were so perfect looking.
Now I am all freaked out that it may have to do with all the overtime and crazy ours I have worked this month. And all I try to do is just pay of all my debt from the medical bills, fertility clinic and acupuncture.
And I cancelled my appointment with my psychiatrist.
I just got tired of talking about myself plus going there also made me realize I obviously have some more issues than just my obvious one. And talking about me and my screwed up life just made me more miserable.

Right now I just feel like a hamster in one of those wheels. I keep running and going and I am just not getting anywhere.

I am almost ready to give up......

not even shopping makes me happy, I just take stuff back.

still blue

...still feeling blue

and can't shake it.

struggling with my infertility

I am not sure what has changed but I am struggling with everything all of a sudden.
Maybe my little vacation let me see that every one else in my family is normal, or what I consider normal. Married with kids. Sigh. I just feel like my life sucks big time. And I am tired of coping and smiling and telling myself it will ab be okay and worth while.

I thought I had made such great progress. But now I am scared that I may not have. I have been charting my cycle for months now. And when I called my clinic to make an appointment to do some tests to see if my own eggs are gonna work there was a big confusion and I realized I am just a number to them and they had no idea who I was it seemed. That really threw me for a loop. But my psychiatrist which works with the clinic says she has a lot of people complaining about that so it is not just me.
Anyways they do not care about any charts or any progress with acupuncture or anything they are gonna just have me come in on the second day of my period and that will determine how my life continues....I hate it....even my psychiatrist said to be prepared for the bad news to think that my own eggs won't work....well great

Plus my sessions with psychiatrist used to make me feel better, more energized more happy but now i am starting to realize that there is a whole lot more shit wrong with me than just my fertility issues and now i dread going because it makes me more sad and depressed. All stuff I don't wanna think or talk about that gets tied in now.
I just am at a point where I am not as strong as I thought I was and I just wanna crumble on the floor and cry and don't get up for days.

this is one of the times I wish I had someone to shares this with.

Ahhhh gosh.......my life just sucks.....sigh

still here

So I am back from a little vacation....back to work back to stress and back to what is my life.
I guess I am getting ready to make an appointment with my clinic to see how my stuff is doing. I am tired, I am scared and I just don't wanna think about my issues....I am tired on putting my life on hold....I wanna go on.....gosh I am grumpy today....
well I will be better tomorrow......

sigh...

....not sure what's going on with me this month...my temp. chart is of the wall, and I don't think I have ovulated....I am a little down....and I cannot sleep or relax anymore...the harder I try the worse it gets....hmmmm]

but as usual I am not giving up.

feeling better today

Okay so my acupuncture treatment today made me feel better.
Wednesday I have an appointment with my psychiatrist.
And NASCAR season starts....
so I am gonna be okay.
I feel a lot better today.
Thank goodness....I was a lil worried.

I feel down and have more than the blues...

These days I feel like shit.
The painkillers I took for my sinus pain when I had this aweful cold. the past few weeks
messed up my stomach and I probably have an ulcer.
I had been doing so good. I was confident in myself and my progress.
Now I feel miserable, depressed and very stressed.
Eating gives me heartburn for 4-6 hours.....I am crying all the time for nothing, I am depressed.
Everything bothers me....this sucks...

And I don't know how to fix it.
And I am for once gonna have a hard time putting that smile back on my face and keep going.
Dear God I just wanna be normal. No issues!
Sigh.

Smile....I wow I am gonna make it....I will be okay.....(and I write this with tears streaming down my cheeks)

I am once again hanging in there

Once again I am just hanging in there....waiting...which I am no good at.

Waiting till I get the green light to go to the clinic and test my hopefully revived eggs.

So I get the blues a little but I am in no way letting myself be depressed.

I figured out that I am so much stringer then I thought I was so I am gonna continue on with this journey. I don't even mind anymore that I do it all by myself... I am okay with it.

I am looking forward to the cycle that just started...hopefully it goes well.

finally getting over my cold

Well I am finally getting over this aweful cold.
Boy I think this is the worst cold I have ever had in my life.
And I am so glad I can go on with my life.
Since I have weekly acupuncture treatments I have to work a lot of overtime
to keep up and pay of my debt at the infertility clinic. So being sick and working
50-60 hours has been very draining. So I am looking forward to feeling better
every day so I can cope with normal daily life.

Still dragging around a cold

Well I am still dragging around a cold. I have had my face swollen for days, my sinus to be precise. And I have had real bad sinus pains.
Thank goodness I had an acupuncture appointment today....one treatment cleared out my nose in 20 minutes and I could breathe....first time this week through my nose.
yeahhhh!

But I have also taken so many pain killers in the last two days that I started having real bad heart burn that has lasted for the last several hours.
But I guess my cold is almost over and I can concentrate on life again.