kicking or not kicking & the worry phase

so I am still struggling to figure out if I am being kicked or not...sigh
I feel soo stupid not knowing...but every mommy tells me I will feel plenty of kicking soon....sigh

It is soo weird I always thought I would feel pregnant when I am pregnant.
I felt nothing at first...then sick as a dog for 13 weeks and now I just feel bloated and look fat and bloated...haha

heck people still cannot tell I am pregnant unless I tell them.
But I am not complaining.....
I kinda feel that there is something going on in there...and on some days it makes me warm and fuzzy and on some days it scares me....
I wonder if I can handle a baby....but then I remember I practically raised my former goddaughter when her mom left her with me to go off and party and I never had any problems....ran out of patience or did not know what to do or was scared taking care of her...

I think right now I am just in the worry phase....
I have crazy dreams about that too....

So still not sure if that was really a kick....I feel like I should know...sigh

first kick?

I think I may have felt my first kick this morning at work....
but maybe it was gas? lol
what do I know....sigh
soon I will know the difference I am sure...just gotta be patient...

SMILE

work is my worst enemy

as always...
it was my enemy while trying to get pregannt....because of the stress.
And it is my enemy now.
In between....

• no support from co-workers
• bosses that do not care
• construction
• noise, dust, cold
• idiots
• the hideous maternity clothes they make me wear

I wish I would not have to work....

Don't worry I won't let it all get to me....but i still wish I would not have to go....sigh

I envy the woman that does not have to work during pregnancy or when she is a mother....they should consider themselves very very very very lucky.

It is a generous gift...

burned my belly again

okay so apparently I am retarded.
I burned my belly again while cooking on the rim of the pan...
and my belly is not even big....my god maybe I should stop cooking.
It is not bad but it burns and is red.....baby is gonna kick the crap out of me soon if i keep doing this.

Sorry kiddo....your mommie did not mean to.

still struggling with baby gear

So I am still struggling with what baby gear to buy

• bassinette + crib + travel crib


• crip + travel crib


• bassibnette + crib

I am soooo confused...

Also shopping if you don't know if it is a boy or girl is almost impossible. I am almost afraid of having to pick stuff for a baby shower...sigh

The closest I got is a Winnie the Pooh theme. It is kinda growing on me and I figured I can accessorize for boy or girl later or go all nuts and if it is a girl and go all pink and princess...hehe

so here is my crib favorite so far...

its a convertible crib with the changer

Unfortunately I am so undecided these days on everything and very easy irritated. So hopefully I will figure this out soon...sigh

latest baby pic

So I am done with all my specialist visits...and everything looks great.

I also had another visit with my regular doctor. And I decided to keep her even after the horrible ultrasound experience a few weeks back were I was in lots of pain and the technician treated me like shit.

I made it clear I do not want that woman near me again.

Apparently I at one point I told my doctors office I did not want an Amnio.

Just as well. I am sorry once you here the first heartbeat of the baby there is no way back...you are a mommy and want that baby. And all I can do is be as healthy and calm as I can and hope for a healthy baby that is gonna love his/her mommy.

so here is the latest....I just love this profile shot of my little one

still finding it hard to tell the truth and the whole truth

so I have been down a long long road and yet I still have only told about a handful of people the whole truth.

It is truly amazing how oddly people react when you get pregnant with a sperm donor. Apparently it would be more socially acceptable for people or maybe just easier for them if i would have fucked around with some looser and then accidently gotten pregnant by having unprotected sex...

Truly amazing how truly ignorant the people in my immediate life are.

I did not even have the guts to tell my parents about the egg donation part or any of my co-workers because their strange reactions about the sperm donor and the fact that I am not getting married already upset or shocked them.

Am I a coward? yeah maybe....but for right now I am just trying to be as happily pregnant as possible..

Baby first and everyone else last....

what's been going on with me?

so what is new with me?

Well I had family in town and was not on the computer much because I actually had a life for once...haha

I had a lot of fun...and most important I have been able to eat and have been growing a little baby bump in hte last 2 weeks...guess food tastes better now and it is nice not to have to eat alone. Now my company is gone and I am super depressed...been crying all day. Took me two hours to finally get up and start laundry. And I am already not hungry again.

And what really aggravates me the most is that most of my so called friends no that my family left today so ...hello could someone care?

hmmmmm

Had a wonderful xmas with my one supporting parent....and got little cute baby clothes....20 weeks today

Finding baby clothing, if u don't wanna know if it is a boy or a girl, is nearly impossible.
baby shower will be difficult....sigh

baby update

baby is fine...weighs about 8oz.

and heartbeat is fine

but I had another very annoying doctors visit...more later...gotta cool down first

I burnt my belly.....

Boy I am such an idiot...I have soup cooking on the stove and stand on my toes to grab something (totally unimportant) out of the cabinet above the stove...and I guess I forgot I had a little belly and burnt it on the rim of the pot. It is not bad just looks like a little scratch...
So i hope I did not freak out or upset or hurt the baby...

boy this is gonna be fun if I am gonna be clumsy with a belly from now on.
Wow.
thank god I have a doctors appointment tomorrow so they can put my mind at ease...sigh

gosh I am soooo stupid

I have a baby bump

hehe...
all of a sudden in the last two days I developped a baby bump over night..
this is soooooo cool...

I finally feel good enough to be happy.

And to get things cleaned, washed and organized at my house...

yeapeeeeee

yeahaaaaa I can eat

I can eat ...its a miracle...
the weird thing is I still don't crave food and am not hungry but I can eat.
Went to a buffet two days in a row with friends and had salad ( I used to eat salad almost every night for dinner but have not had any in 3 months), tacos and different soups....
I was waiting to get sick from eating all this different stuff but i felt fine.
I am so excited...hehe

keeping my chin up

So i am trying my best not to let the world or shall I say my family put me down.
And the ones not supporting me don't even know about the egg donation part just the sperm donor part....wow many conservative people in my family.
guess they would have rather seen me turn into a miserable alcoholic with 17 cats then have a baby the NOT-NORMAL way.

very strange to me.

Hey i may be far in debt and have no plan as in how to afford a 2 bedroom apartment or how to make it with my paycheck but I have friends that will help me and although I am not super religious I do believe that since god got me this far he will get me the rest of my way.

I am the happiest I have ever been ...even if I don't look it and even when I feel miserable.

And I stick with the one cat....haha...I don't miss getting drunk and stupid at all....I just sometimes miss coffee....especially my pumplin spice latte....but i got to smell it the other day...it smelled great....
SMILE

sigh

sigh I don't feel pregnant I just feel like shit....
no end in sight...still nauseous...still can't hardly eat...no appetite....no cravings.

no baby bump....

lol ...I should stop complaining ...last time I said i wanna feel pregnant was in week 5 and shortly thereafter I got slapped with 24/7 nausea...hehe

So I stick with my nausea and daily headache and all my other issues because i can't handle more stuff wrong with me or I am not gonna make it to work anymore.

So I have a few maternity clothes now that I have to keep pulling up because I have no belly to hold them up yet...I am getting more excited as the nausea wears off a bit but overall I feel to bad every day to even remember half the time what day it is...

But I am hanging in there ...

also have another appointment with a specialist coming up....

2nd doctors appointment

and how dissapointing...all they did is take my blood pressure, make me pee in a cup, weighed me and listend to my babys heartbeat real quick.

heartbeat 140 ...very good

then I threw a few questions at the nurse practioner and I was outta there...

sigh

I had a notbook with half a page of questions...I wanted to be talked to....I wanted to get an ultrasound with a new baby pic.....sigh
I felt a little bit neglected and like I had gotten some real bad customer service....

Is it me? or is that normal?

sigh

oh and I can eat beef jerkey....yeah...my new and almost only source of protein

had a good day yesterday

so yesterday I had a good day and went to see my friends in the evening. First time in like 2+ months. It felt nice to get dressed up and put make up on and hang with people I have not seen in sooo long.

I hope to have more days like that now.....I even had some pizza yesterday....yummi

bassinets or cribs

hmmmm

so I finally allowed myself to look at baby stuff at target the other day.

And I was thoroughly overwhelmed with strollers, cribs and stuff.

Wow...I was confused.

So for the past few days I did some online research and browsing and came to the conclusion that I wanna get a bassinet and then a crib. This all is not easy if you don't know if it is a baby girl or a baby boy. And in my case I do not wanna know..So starting of with a neutral bassinet seems reasonable and then I can go nuts in boy or girl pattern after the baby outgrows the bassinet.

I am so glad I have a savings account just for baby stuff so I can go a little crazy.

so here is my for now choice for a bassinet: