3am and I cannot sleep

well I could not sleep last night and I figured it is just my usual Sunday night anxiety of oh-my-god-I-have-to-go-back-to-work-on-Monday.
But here I am 3am on Tuesday morning. Guess I could sleep even less on Monday night.
I went to bed with already a few thoughts on my mind and figured I will forget and go to sleep.....yeah right....that did not work out. The more I laid in bed and watched TV the more I started thinking and the more I started daydreaming. Then at
1am in the morning I decided to call one of my co-workers so she can wake me up in the morning. She immediately started telling me a lot of stuff that she needed to get of her chest which stressed me out even more...so now it is 3am and I decided to blog to clear my head. And in addition I am having a glass or Merlot that will either make me goofy enough or drunk enough to go to sleep.

Wow I do not even know where to start. My awesome-stress-and-infertility-thought-free-vacation already seems like a hundred years ago. First of every one at my work is worried about getting their hours cut or loosing their job. It has happened to many in the same field. Then my car is giving me trouble again. The A/C seems to be going out and it smells like it's gonna die again. So I already am worried about all these things.
And mostly I still have not decided yet when I will go back to egg donation. I have another b-day coming up and it is not making this any easier...

I am still too chicken to tell my parents about this and it is making me sad and I feel soooooo f-ing guilty....but I can't.

I am trying so hard to keep positive and just live my life but it is not easy.
I don't hardly drink anymore, I don't go out, I don't date. I don't do anything.
And to make matters worse I had one of my customers hit on me before I left for my vacation. I used to be such a flirty and outgoing person. Well I am so out of it that I first didn't even realize that I got hit on. And then I felt like an idiot and got almost kinda flustered. He told me I had his number now and to call him.
Well I had family in town and then went on vacation 3 days later and never got the chance....but I also did not want him to think I was blowing him of so I texted him and let him know that. And we have kinda been texting ever since. Yes I was too chicken to call and apparently so is he since we are still texting.
But I am thinking why even bother. He lives in another state and lets face it I have far to many issues that I would eventually have to tell him about so why even bother.
Why?
Easy!!! Because it makes me feel so good that someone actually liked me and thought that I was cute and wanted to get to know me. So needless to say I started dreaming...and then of course I wake up and realize no guy is ever gonna want me with all my problems....so it is just a matter of time.
And then I have to tell him and he will be gone.

Wow wine at 3am makes me more sad.....but hey maybe crying will make me feel better or tired.

A few hours ago I was listening to a friend who was telling me about her son getting a divorce and seeking custody of his kids because his wife cheated on him while he was in Iraq and the kids had to see it all and plus she did not like the military life and just likes to party. Wow stories like that just floor me.....here I am I would die to just have one child. Hell I would die to have a guy tell me that he loves me soo much that he wants to have a child with or heck I would just love to have a guy tell me that he wants to have a child with me.....(without it being just a plot to get me into bed) and here is this woman that leaves all that behind.
I was married once to a guy in the military....and all I wanted is a baby and be a stay at home mom and I would have happily cleaned and taken care of a child or children and my husband....but I never got so lucky. I don't understand these women that have it all and throw it away. I am not saying I never cheated on anyone but in front of my kids, I could have never done that. The few people in my life that I cheated on I feel like life as already paid me back for. I did once cheat on a guy that was in Saudi Arabia with a guy that I once thought was the love of my life and he ended up cheating on me so many times and even with my best friend. So I ruined it with a good guy for a handsome asshole....and boy did I pay for it. The guy I cheated on is now still my friend and has been for almost 20 years. And I sometimes wonder what could have been.
But then I think I would have somehow messed it up anyway.

And the guy I once was married to all but asked me to marry him again...(actually I think he did..I am A LITTLE SLOW) a few years back and all I could do is tell him no because I already had genital herpes and I of course would not want to pass that on to him. Other than that I think I would have wanted to. I think that was a few month before I found out about my female issues. I don't remember. All I remmeber is thinking how fucking too late it is for me.... Oh it makes me so mad, when we were married we were apparently to immature, jealous and just too stupid to keep it together and later we would not have the chance to try again. Boy life is not fair.

And when I cannot sleep I will always go back in time and wonder how I could have lived my life different...would I have lived it right....?
or is there a right way....or would I have learned from ANY of my mistakes?
Maybe not!
But the mind is always trying to hold on to the thought that yes I could go back and do better. But the older I get I think I may have made the same mistakes.



Well it is 3:28 and I am still not tired enough to sleep.

Guess I will have to give up on sleep...lol...and now that I am working on glass of wine no.3....do I get a hangover in the next hour?!?....oh brother....guess I will find out.

Sigh....I am so not used to drinking anymore...but it seemed like a good idea.
My poor cat has been wondering for the last two hours why I have the lights on and am typing away on my laptop like a mad woman....

Well I am thinking very strongly that I am gonna throw myself into a little bit more of debt this week and finally get another tattoo to give me strength to go on. I have several things in mind and would like to see someone draw them up so I can see it.
I think that it's just something I need to do...to pick up more strength and keep me going.

Well it is now 4:20am...one more hour and my first alarm will go off.
Oh boy it is gonna be a looooong Tuesday. But hey lets stay positive I am gonna get up in an hour, take a shower...maybe wash my hair and go to work as normal, try to have a good day and then go home and die...lol
I am gonna be so damn tired....will need caffeine in the morn for sure.
Yes I had all but given up caffeine in order to be pregnant and be a mom
Well fuck it I am not anywhere near fraking pregnant and will have me some caffeine...
am so tired of cutting everything out of my life....and for what?

Well it is 4:38 and I am obviously not going to sleep...little toooo late now.
I would never wake up.
So i am gonna get up and take a shower and then I am gonna go to work...paste on a smile...and act like nothing ever happened and deep down I will be miserable as every day...and deep down I will still know...hello I cannot have children no matter how happy I act and no matter how much of a fake smile I will post on my lips that will be all pretty and red in just a few hours.

Caffeine here I come...

trying to get used to my life again

so now I am back in my reality...and I am trying to feel okay about it and be positive about it.

back to what is my life

So I had a great vacation and there was even several days that I forgot I was not normal...I was just a happy traveller amongst others. Nobody knew I was not a normal woman. And it was nice.....BUT

now I am back to what I call my shitty life...and it all came back to me and my life still sucks...or more so even now since I had 11 days of almost happiness.

so now I am just bummed

taking another break from a break

So I am already on break form egg donation and was trying acupuncture for almost a year now...no success at least not for the using of my own eggs.

Anyways so now I am taking a break from everything and am gonna go on a little vacation and then I am pretty sure I will go back to egg donation. Lets face it I may run outta time here soon altogether....

So lets hope I can relax enough to enjoy my vacation....we shall see!!
I am gonna try to have fun and enjoy every minute of it.

back to egg donation?!?!

so I think I have made up my mind? or haven't I?

Why do I care so much if I have a child with my egg or someone else's?
Let's face it how many kids do not look like their parents?
My cousin has two kids and one looks nothing like her or her husband.
Why do i care?
shouldn't I just want a child? Let's face it I am not getting any younger.

just tired

Today I am jsut tired and a little confused.
I slept till noon....and now I have no energy and don't feel like doing anything or even being awake...too lazy to go a litle shopping and to make me anything to eat.
i jsut kinda don't care about anything today.

a poem I came accross

Rod McKuen once wrote in one of his poems:

"I live alone.
It hasn't always been that way,
but for a time
I've had to stay within myself.
Still, it's nice somethimes
to open up the heart a little
and let some hurt come in.
It proves you're still alive..."


I like it and I feel that way

Holding on

so I am once more holding on for strength.
I am not sure what to do.
And work is stressful. some of my so-called friends dump loads of their family problems on me....and I do not wanna hear it. It stresses me out. I have not been sleeping well and if I do sleep I have night mares or I keep waking up. then I was all excited or tried to be to go home for x-mas and I already got family drama dumped on me too. So my excitement about going home for x-mas has already turned into big anxiety and a must not a joyful vacation from my daily stress.

I came to the conclusion today that people seem to think I am made of stone and they can just tell me anything and I do not care...
well newsflash I do...and it stops me from freaking sleeping at night...
jeeeez

Why are people so selfish...gosh suck it up and keep it to yourself...I DO...I HAVE TO every freaking day.

I can't cry

Well I feel like I should cry since I most likely have to give up the idea of having a child with my own eggs and have to go back to egg donation.
But somehow I seem to be used to dissapointments and all negative happening and don't even know how to cry.
I left a message for my shrink because I figured I should talk, but surprise now she does not want to see me...told me she is booked to call back in a month....well ain't that nice.........thanks.....that does not make me feel at all rejected.
shit if your shrink does not want anything to do with ya.

Oh boy!
I am just defeated, tired, anxious and very clueless on what to do.
I am tired of being moody, feeling like shit everyday and tired of waiting, tired of my job and my so called friends..........I am just tired....wish I could do an early wintersleep and jsut sleep for 6-8 months.

another good

Too explain my idiot behaviour as a so called friend for the past two years I let someone read my blog that knows me well. I was very scared to do so but I was also not in a condition to be able to explain myself.
Wish I would have told him sooner instead of the people I did.
This will give me hope that I might be able to tell my mom.
We shall see.

the good and the bad

Today I just can't even find a reason to get out of bed.
To clean the house? why, nobody sees it.
To go grocery shopping like every Saturday? too upset to eat.
to go buy some clothes and look cute? Nobody might see me in them.
Plus I am having one of those days where I am not sure if I can handle
seing kids or families. Sounds stupid.
So I decided to try to find the positive. And here it is.
I grew up. Every since I was 16 years old whenever things would not go well or I would be really upset I would get drunk and just party with friends. Yesterday I was soo upset that I just wanted to go to happy hour. But then I thought about it and it just did not make any sense to me. I don't really like alcohol anymore. Last time I got drunk at my house a few months back I felt bad and guilty the next day. Weird.
So I guess this is a good thing!??!.
Yeah I think it is. I have learned to deal with failure better. I did not have a major breakdown I just kept busy.
So this is a positive thing. LOL

So now I am gonna put on my cute new dress from QVC and I am gonna go to TARGET.
And I am gonna buy me something cute (yes shopping is my new alcohol, but I keep it under control) and I am gonna try to be in a good mood.

so here I go...

FSH level sucks

mood? devastated

my FSH level is 28....which is horrible
I admit I had kinda gotten my hopes up since it was 13 last months. I was prepared for no improvement but this I was not prepared for.

I almost had a panic attack and cry attack in my car.
Then I wanted to go out and get drunk.

Now I don't know what to do ...heck I don't even drink anymore.
Right now I can't even cry.

I don't even know what to say or write

bad weekend

well I had another bad weekend.
Horrible headache and back ache.
Not sure why.
I finally feel better but I am drained and discouraged once more.

How much longer?

not sure how this is going

Well this blog was supposed to be about my road to pregnancy. well it has been two years and no i am not pregnant. I am not sure how much longer I can keep this up. financally and emotionally. This month I thought I was doing so well and I was convinved that my FSH level is gonna be better than last month. But then last week my acupuncturist put me on some new herbal drops instead of my regular pills and I started feeling all depressed and anzious and started sleeping really nbad and I think I have hot flashes again. I am kinda devastated because i feel like I got thrown several months back. It is so discouraging amd I am having a hard time holding on. Why can't this be a joyous time for me like it is for others. I just wanna be pregnant. It seems so easy for soo many. Why not me/

I have put my life on hold for almost 2 years. I do not plan vacations or anyhting because I do not know when and if I will be pregnant. So I am missing out on a regular life. And it is getting harder and harder.

feeling good

I am feeling good and waiting for my FSH level to get below 10.
Got a few more weeks for another test. I am hopeful and feel well and try to keep stress free which is not easy at my job.
I have my ups and downs, especially when everyone is trying to show of their new babies to me. But I am learning to cope. Hey lets face it it is not thier fault they can have them and I have trouble with it.

I am trying, I am dealing and I think I am doing farely well. Even without my shrink for now.

FSH level

Well I have done another blood test to check my FSH level and the number is 13.
Which is still not good. The clinic wants it under 10.
But considering that 2 years ago it was 20 I am kinda happy.
Other than that life has not been good and i am trying my hardest to keep calm and stress free to not mess up my fertility possibilities.
I am not gonna be defeated by other people bringing negative energy into my life.
I refuse too.
So I am gonna stay calm and keep going no matter what live throws in my way.
There has got to be light at the end of the tunnel.I know there has to be.

Hanging in there....

as usual.
My mood is good and I am not done yet.
Hopefully good news this months.
If not it may be back to egg donation.
I am tired of waiting...wanna be a mommy
before I am 50

lol

feeling better

Wow finally feeling a little better again.
Except for a little anxiety and a backache.

I have a long weekend off and I am gonna try to do a lot of nice
and relaxing things. Also I need to get back to swimming..its been
almost 2 weeks.

So I am gonna keep going!!!

hope for me yet?

I read on one of my favorite blogs today that this 70 year old woman gave birth to twins recently with invitro.......guess there should be help for me yet since I am 30 years younger?
lol
this world is crazy.

I just want one chance

What if I am running out of time?

Well this month my chart is saying I did not ovulate so that kinda worries me.
Today I have had the worst cramps I have had in like 12 years. I almost called 911 whwn I could not breath and was about to pass out. It was scary.

I guess I need to either go to my clinic or gyno to make sure I am okay.

But I am not giving up.