Had a wonderful xmas with my one supporting parent....and got little cute baby clothes....20 weeks today

Finding baby clothing, if u don't wanna know if it is a boy or a girl, is nearly impossible.
baby shower will be difficult....sigh

baby update

baby is fine...weighs about 8oz.

and heartbeat is fine

but I had another very annoying doctors visit...more later...gotta cool down first

I burnt my belly.....

Boy I am such an idiot...I have soup cooking on the stove and stand on my toes to grab something (totally unimportant) out of the cabinet above the stove...and I guess I forgot I had a little belly and burnt it on the rim of the pot. It is not bad just looks like a little scratch...
So i hope I did not freak out or upset or hurt the baby...

boy this is gonna be fun if I am gonna be clumsy with a belly from now on.
Wow.
thank god I have a doctors appointment tomorrow so they can put my mind at ease...sigh

gosh I am soooo stupid

I have a baby bump

hehe...
all of a sudden in the last two days I developped a baby bump over night..
this is soooooo cool...

I finally feel good enough to be happy.

And to get things cleaned, washed and organized at my house...

yeapeeeeee

yeahaaaaa I can eat

I can eat ...its a miracle...
the weird thing is I still don't crave food and am not hungry but I can eat.
Went to a buffet two days in a row with friends and had salad ( I used to eat salad almost every night for dinner but have not had any in 3 months), tacos and different soups....
I was waiting to get sick from eating all this different stuff but i felt fine.
I am so excited...hehe

keeping my chin up

So i am trying my best not to let the world or shall I say my family put me down.
And the ones not supporting me don't even know about the egg donation part just the sperm donor part....wow many conservative people in my family.
guess they would have rather seen me turn into a miserable alcoholic with 17 cats then have a baby the NOT-NORMAL way.

very strange to me.

Hey i may be far in debt and have no plan as in how to afford a 2 bedroom apartment or how to make it with my paycheck but I have friends that will help me and although I am not super religious I do believe that since god got me this far he will get me the rest of my way.

I am the happiest I have ever been ...even if I don't look it and even when I feel miserable.

And I stick with the one cat....haha...I don't miss getting drunk and stupid at all....I just sometimes miss coffee....especially my pumplin spice latte....but i got to smell it the other day...it smelled great....
SMILE

sigh

sigh I don't feel pregnant I just feel like shit....
no end in sight...still nauseous...still can't hardly eat...no appetite....no cravings.

no baby bump....

lol ...I should stop complaining ...last time I said i wanna feel pregnant was in week 5 and shortly thereafter I got slapped with 24/7 nausea...hehe

So I stick with my nausea and daily headache and all my other issues because i can't handle more stuff wrong with me or I am not gonna make it to work anymore.

So I have a few maternity clothes now that I have to keep pulling up because I have no belly to hold them up yet...I am getting more excited as the nausea wears off a bit but overall I feel to bad every day to even remember half the time what day it is...

But I am hanging in there ...

also have another appointment with a specialist coming up....

2nd doctors appointment

and how dissapointing...all they did is take my blood pressure, make me pee in a cup, weighed me and listend to my babys heartbeat real quick.

heartbeat 140 ...very good

then I threw a few questions at the nurse practioner and I was outta there...

sigh

I had a notbook with half a page of questions...I wanted to be talked to....I wanted to get an ultrasound with a new baby pic.....sigh
I felt a little bit neglected and like I had gotten some real bad customer service....

Is it me? or is that normal?

sigh

oh and I can eat beef jerkey....yeah...my new and almost only source of protein

had a good day yesterday

so yesterday I had a good day and went to see my friends in the evening. First time in like 2+ months. It felt nice to get dressed up and put make up on and hang with people I have not seen in sooo long.

I hope to have more days like that now.....I even had some pizza yesterday....yummi

bassinets or cribs

hmmmm

so I finally allowed myself to look at baby stuff at target the other day.

And I was thoroughly overwhelmed with strollers, cribs and stuff.

Wow...I was confused.

So for the past few days I did some online research and browsing and came to the conclusion that I wanna get a bassinet and then a crib. This all is not easy if you don't know if it is a baby girl or a baby boy. And in my case I do not wanna know..So starting of with a neutral bassinet seems reasonable and then I can go nuts in boy or girl pattern after the baby outgrows the bassinet.

I am so glad I have a savings account just for baby stuff so I can go a little crazy.

so here is my for now choice for a bassinet:

Nausea, headaches and now throwing up .....where is my honeymoon phase everyone has been telling me about?

I am supposed to be happy

....but I am too miserable to feel happy.
Most of my so called friends have all but abandonded me because I can never go anywhere....my mom thinks I am stupid for having a child and now being broke.
and i thought if all fails I could move in with her but i did not exactly get an invite....she is not at all excited about me being pregnant....I left that phone call in tears.......
My plan was to go home if i cannot make it alone here...wow now i am gonna be a broke homeless mom...yeah

things that I try not to worry about because I have not worked out the details people bug me about....good god I just wanted a baby before it is too late...is that so freaking hard to understand...I don't need a plan.....

i had a plan 16 years ago...I got married...moved to a foreign country, gave up an awesome job and planned on being a wife and mom...two years later i was divorced and stuck in a foreign country.
So no ...f-word no....I do not have a plan....

why can't I have a f-wording mom that gives a shit?

god i just wanna break down and cry
i feel so alone like nobody understands why i did this and why this means so much to me...and why i am in debt and did not care how this is all gonna work out....

is it so hard to understand? am I crazy?

Just had to throw up for the first time....hope that was just a fluke...sigh

feeling left behind and alone

so all my friends or what I thought were my friends are leaving me behind.
No messages on FB, no texting, no calls....seems if you feel like shit for 8 weeks it is your fault that u cannot hang out with them.
Ahhh a little compassion and the occasional how are u and do u need any help would be nice. I have two people taking care of my cats litter box because I am not allowed to. Well one promised me to do it today...but I have not heard from her and I am not gonna call and beg...guess i am gonna go later on and buy litter box number 3. And then worry about it in a few days again.
this sucks.....
everyone was all like I am so there for you if you need something....okay so am I supposed to beg for help or could someone ask?

jeeeez

it seems like people forget you if u can't go drinking and hanging out with them.
well at least I know where i stand....good to know and makes some of my decisions about the future much easier.

questions

• prenatal vitamins $45 a month...do they have to be that expensive?...wow
• why are maternity clothes so freaking ugly?
• and who the heck wants to wear horizontal stripes to look even bigger?

baby update

yes i know this blog is about my road to get pregnant and now that I am pregnant I will not say anything about my baby.

It is kinda strange because I do not wanna talk or post about the baby. I am somehow afraid something is gonna happen.

Am I weird?

Anywhooo as of today I am 13 weeks and 5 days.

The little one is fine....mom still not....

I went to a specialist last week to check for down syndrome and birth defects...cause I am old...good thing the egg donor is young.

First round of tests everything is normal....I have two more in december.

I have tons of pics and even a little movie...I saw the baby move and kick and move his little mouth.

Oh and I got in to the habit of saying "HE" because I do not wanna say it.

So although I do no wanna find out if it is gonna be a boy or a girl I will say "HE" from now on.

Right now everything is going so slow while I feel so miserable.

I wanna feel kicking instead of nausea...I wanna start getting a belly and not just because I am constipated...lol....sigh

I wanna get to my honeymoon phase everyone keeps promising me.

sigh

This pic is at 11 weeks and 2 days at my last fertility clinic appointment when they woke him up and he started kicking his little legs out....

am I ever gonna feel human again?

I still feel nauseous pretty much all day long.
I now heave migraines and headaches.
And i keep gaining and loosing the same 6 lbs.
Eating is a task that I can hardly manage.
And everyone keeps telling me that I feel better soon....well...nice....
I can hardly wait....hope that happens soooooon...

I love food or I used to .....now i can't hardly eat anything

so at 12 weeks and 4 days I am waiting for the pleasures of the second trimester that everyone keeps telling me about

Today is my last visit at my fertility clinic and then I will upgrade to a normal gyno....how weird after all this time

......

So it seems that things are coming together nicely in my life. It seems like the puzzle is coming together slowly.
Is it crazy that that makes me worried and kinda suspicious?

Well parents are coming around nicely...told first person at work...and she is sooo very happy for me.
As of this morning I thought I had no maternity leave ...now I have 40 days paid
and some kinda of phase back program where I don't work full time for a month or so but get paid full pay. And I get an extra 10 days vacation unrelated to pregnancy.

So this is all nice but strange....but it takes a big worry of of me.

I am soooo glad I never gave up. So glad I always made myself go. So glad I always forced a smile and kept on going.

Hey I am kinda proud of me

feeling sick all day again

Well since last Wednesday or thursday i started feeling sick all day again.
Thursday I barely made it thru work and was so tired and exhausted that I was in bed by 5 pm. friday I called in and laid in bed all day...
Saturday i managed a little grocery shopping and laid in bed the rest of the day.

Today so far i feel ok.....sigh

I am happy and excited and want time to pass faster...but I have to admit going to work is getting rough when u feel horrible all day.
But hey I made it this far so I am gonna make it.....4 more days of shots...which I am happy about because the itching bumps on my hips cannot handle no more.


haha i saw a t-shirt on ebay that said: yes I am pregnant! and no you cannot touch my belly...

haha that would so be me...lol

10 weeks 1 day.....still feeling goofy in the morning and evening

pregnancy ...a funny thing

wow i have never been this nauseous and tired in my life.
No hangover you ever had could prepare u for this....haha

Okay so seriously....my 24/7 morning sickness is slowly getting better. Now I am nauseous for a bit in the morning for a few hours and then later on around 6
or 7. But I can eat and finally put some pounds back on.

As badly as i always wanted a man around when I am pregnant. Now I am glad I don't have one. I am sooo nauseous sometimes I could not even kiss someone.
There is days I cannot remember when I had a shower....the other day I noticed I had not shaved my legs in two weeks. Or pluck my eyebrows....
It had gotten pretty bad till I started feeling better.
Lol, I had scared myself.

I truly feel for men living with a pregnant woman...wow...that is rough.

oh and I can finally eat sweet stuff again....like pies or scones....
I could not do that for weeks....so yummi i eat a lot of whatever i can tolerate right now...

9 weeks 1 day....slowly feeling better

conflicted about herbal teas

So I still feel nauseous and I don't want to drink sodas to make me feel better.
So I decided to buy ginger tea because peppermint tea gave me more heartburn.
Now I had one cup of ginger tea and felt better but then started reading the label which I usually read before buying but hey I really don't feel good.
So I bought 2 packages and one has camomille in there which is on the do not drink list and the other obe has blackberry leaf. stevua leaf and lemon myrtle leaf.
So I guess i will drink no tea and wait till I feel better.

Wow i am getting kinda paranoid about what to eat.
But I think I rather have people think me crazy and overreacting then be sorry.

But it sucks when u are cold and cannot drink a tea...hmmm...hot chocolate I could do but me and sweets still do not do so well.

Hey but i am not complaining ...I am soooo happy even though I may not look like it...hehe

not hungry ever

okay so this nauseous and never hungry thing is wearing me down.
And now just when I thought I was over the super tired thing I am tired again too.
Today I could not force myself to get out of bed and go to work.
I have to force myself to eat and I am not hungry for anything...I have no appetite whatsoever...lol....which is so not like me....I love food.

I am still nauseous 24/7 and have a very hard time just getting water in me.
Today I am soooo tired I already had two naps and it is only 4pm....sigh

All my friends are meeting up for Oktoberfest tonight and I am too tired and lazy to even put make up on....but they have to understand.
me and the little one come first.

parents slowly coming around ...dad is excited and mom apologized on answering machine for calling me crazy for spending money to get pregnant...needless to say I hung up on her.

well they still don't know the full story and they may never...
my two best friends do...

i truly don't care what my family thinks but I am not in the mood for controversy right now....
I feel like shit every day and don't need more things to make me miserable...

I wanna be a happy pregnant mommy and I am

Both my parents first question ....is there a man?....no there is not...

Well i guess my dad is kinda excited and my mom thinks i am stupid

strange day

I am tired of telling people and their weird ass reactions

yes I am 41 and no I do not have a boy-friend or husband and no I am not getting married and no I am not a lesbian (okay nobody asked the last one yet)

back to Happy Mode...people can kiss my ass

yes and I am working on not cursing...sigh

Going to acupuncture...hopefully it takes care of my nausea so i can eat

7 weeks 6 days

and I feel absolutely miserable...hehe

I had all these plans to eat all healthy and perfect and now I can hardly eat...i am sooo nauseous...
So I am doing the best I can.

I had decided no caffeine, no sodas, no herbal teas...just water and orange juice. But today I had to have a small glass of ginger ale because since yesterday I was almost unable to eat or drink anything. I have been nauseous 24/7 since Thursday morning and it had gotten worse every day.

Hey I cannot live of of dry bread....sigh

So today I resorted to ginger ale and caffeine free peppermint tea.
Yesterday my progesterone shot had been very painful ...so bad that i could not sleep. I kinda switched sides but have a hard time doing the left because I am right handed ..so since I had not been feeling good and got lazy and did the right side because it is easier ....but now I have to do the left.
oh well couple more weeks hopefully...am sure I can handle it...

tomorrow i have acupuncture and that will hopefully fix the nausea...
So I can eat .....and drink a lot more.

Yes I am a first time mommy and I would like to do everything perfect....silly I know

6 weeks and six days....

strangely i do not miss not drinking alcohol at all...have not had any in 4 months...guess I just needed it while i was miserable...hmmm

I will miss my Pumpkin spice Latte this fall...but gladly...

strangely I still feel like not telling anybody about this....I wanna keep it all to myself...

I especially do not wanna tell anybody at work..those are mostly people that make me miserable so I don't wanna share something with them that makes me happy...

maybe I am just weird..hehe

SMILE

so

So I have found myself not wanting to blog....
I feel like if I talk or blog it will all go away...

I know ...stupid
I still wanna blog....maybe I just need some time
I don't wanna tell anybody....just keep it all to me

for now i wanna thank all the well wishes I have received on my blog and per email
thanks for everyones support and well wishes, they mean the world to me

So i am pregnant

and I have been smiling all day...I am sooo happy
After work I bought two books on pregnancy....hey I am clueless..haha

Have my first Ultrasound on Monday....yeah doubt we will see anything.
But still...so cool

I am pregnant.

She said i look too happy....

My nurse is gonna have someone run the blood test now and i can wait..soo scared

At the clinic for blood pregnancy test....here goes everything

hanging in there

wow today after acupuncture I was actually in a good mood.
I am not terrified that I will find out my fate in 2 more days.

lol

this will probably last one day....and then the crazy hormones take over.

more hmmmm

and now I may worry a bit...
I feel like I am gonna have my period....or kinda like it...

four more days..........good god....how am I gonna make it ?

hmmm

so now i kinda started spotting...
or maybe it is not really spotting....kinda pinkish discharge.
all my intenet research says not to worry about it....well whatever happens there is nothing i can do anyway.....

my last hope is that I have this weirdo inner piecefull feeling sometimes
and that everything is different after this IVF....maybe those are good signs
ya never know...

the lovely internet

So I am searching for support or forums or blogs that may help me....but no such luck....

I need to not search the net on this subject because it is never good...sigh

well loosing it is no fun

So i have been hiding from the world because I am calmer without people around.
Late this afternoon i just had this feeling of calm come over me....a feeling that I just could win....this infertility game I play....

But then I immediately get mad at myself for putting to much into it....

hell....I am in hell

but hell at least i am calm for now...

I am even debating on joining my friends for lunch tomorrow...
we shall see if i wake up as evil or good tomorrow.

sigh

progesterone and estrogen have taken over my life

okay so I am not generally I shiny happy go lucky person...but at least I have a happy medium where I can interact with other humans.
Not so now....if I go somewhere i just sit there...don't participate in conversation and do not want to talk to anybody and get really easy upset or aggrevated if one person says something wrong or something I understand wrong...I can't tell the difference anymore....
I can not go around people because I make everyone miserable and the SAD part is I have no control over it. I try to be happy and postitive but It is just not working anymore.
I have cancelled all planned activities with my friends for the weekend.

I have not cleaned my house in two weeks and I cannot remember how many days ago I had a shower....and that is about as far from my character as mars.

And I have been trying to eat my depression away in the past few days.
so once again I look pregnant .....but I doubt I will be

the weird part is...after this 2nd IVF transfer I felt different and it gave me such up. I would sometimes lay there and rub my belly...not on purpose just automatically ....wondering what it would feel like....when I could feel pregnant.
I was very confident that I could be pregnant....then all of a sudden....I started big fight with my boss at work and got horrible upset for being discriminated once again...then i have just been upset with everything and everybody and adapted a mood of I do not care any more and I just want this over with....
and cried and ate for 2 days.
i have been nauseous almost every day and my stomach just bugs me in all sortsa places.
Today I am kinda calm but have such a heavy heart and feel the headache and depression creeping in.

I can't fix it is what sucks the most...and if things go wrong next week i am gonna blame myself.

And to make me wanna leave the house even less I am now breaking out like a teenager...on my back and my neck and cleavage....thank god not the face or not badly anyway. And it is hot and I have to be in tshirts covering up.

I hate when i feel like this....I don't like feeling depressed and hermit at home.
I miss my friends and I regret not telling them yet. But I am soo afraid
because the 3 initial people I told ....they could care less and are pretty much outta my life.

Well I am gonna stop watching QVC now before I buy something ...since shopping and food makes me happy...sad i know

and I am going to clean and do laundry and then clean me up and make me some homemade pizza.....

I read somewhere before or saw on a talk show how u should put a tiara on while cleaning to alwyas remain the princes...lol ...I have one from a halloween costume so maybe I will do that...
I hope I won't accidently leave the house like that when I take the trash out...

okay pressing on...tiara on head...smile on my pimpled face...

Glad i am not the only one in the restaurant sitting by myself.....

falling apart

since wednesday I am just falling apart.
i can;t and don;t want to do this anymore.....I am soo pumped full of hormones it is making me a bitch it is making me unrasonable, it is making me...NOT ME.

I lost any ability to be calm., happy or whatever normal people are.
I am tired....I am bitchy....I cry as soon as nobody is around.....plain simple I am loosing it.

and I don't care anymore....I can't do this anymore....
I am soooo broke....my car is a piece of shit that is only 7 years old but has been in and out of the shop for the past 6 weeks....rental car cost and repair cost amounting to almost a thousand dollars...and it is still not fixed.

I hate being around people I just wanna sleep...I am soooooooooo tired of it all

I wanna give up I don;t care anymore.....

and now I am gonna act like I am a normal happy person and go eat some thai food by myself...yeah

I am pathetic

One more week to go....till my life will either be perfect or the lowest it has ever been

I am coping with ice cream...i miss coffee and the once a week soda ....and on really bad day alcohol...lol

Car issues for six weeks now.....stress at work..almost lost it yesterday

I wish i could stay home and relax....people in my life irritate me

Yeah i have no idea howi feel...just happy to keep me kinda calm

every week for the past three years....sigh

Yesterday my acupuncturist asked me if I feel pregnant...told him I would not know how that feels....his wife said I would be super tired...well am tired

waiting period

well I was better of on bed rest....work is poison...

first day I had the sniffles, a headache and a horrible back ache.
But I am not gonna let anyone get me down.

Doing my shots even when they hurt and i got a big ugly bump already.

hey i am a warrier and I got a tattoo to remind me....

SMILE

bedrest is boring

well obviously texting updates does not work well they come in crooked order...so scratch that..it was just easier to type form cell than laptop
now I allowed myself back to laptop.....just not on my lap.
Well I am very lazy and love to lay in bed or on the couch all day but apparently not when I have too...haha

I am in good spirits...yesterday I had some cramping but I read allover the net that that is normal. This time was differnet. First time I did not feel transfer or anything afterwards. This time I felt cramping during and after. And nope that is no inidcator of how good or bad it worked...sigh

but i am calm....gonna keep busy for the next two weeks...hopefully work won't be stressful

So I am just laying on the couch caressing my belly....hoping....but don't dare to dream....maybe a little

Today i am having one of these days where i wish i had a man in my life....i could use someone to just hold me and love me while i am laying here in bed

rooting for two little embrios to make it....sigh...

Transfer and pre transfer acu complete..now am laying in bed playing on my phone, eating grapes and watching tv...i love laying in bed being lazy...

this is it going in in a bit...
here goes everything

like today is do or die...
I lied to my closest friends about what i am doing today and that sucks....i am hoping in two weeks i can tell them why..

so

played on che computer for a bit and then i went to acupuncture for my pre transfer treatment to keep me all calm. I don't feel very calm today. I feel

Today is the day...the day of transfer. I woke up at 8am and did not know what to do with myself so I cleaned and did laundry. Just to stay calm. Then I

Going to apuncture in the morning before going to the clinic for transfer to prepare for the transfer...its supposed to help make me nice and calm

Transfer

Transfer is tomorrow....
i am scared and tired....
doing very bad with the progesterone shots this time around.
very painful...bought me some cool cars tattoo band aids to make it better...grin...sigh

am overwhelmed and tired...i struggle every day to remember how many pills of thre different kind I have to take when...shots...patches..and so on....
sometimes I feel stupid for not remembering what to do when ....

tired...going to sleep

almost a go

So I just got a phone call from the clinic...donor has egg retrieval on Monday.
And then they will call me to see how many eggs the donor has and then of course i have to split those with the other egg donor recipient that I am sharing this donor with.
So it can actually happen that one of us ends up w/o eggs. If she does not have enough.

I just wanna lay down and cry........I am sooooo overwhelmed.
Today my stomach hurts because I have been thinking too much.

My closest friends and family do not know....and I feel bad....but I am soo afraid of rejection....

My car has been in the shop again since wednesday and they don't even have the decency to tell me what is wrong with it.

In my closest group of friends that don't know there is a guy that has been kinda flirting with me and seems to like me.........and that upsets me cause come on it is not gonna go anywhere ....

gosh i need a drink..........

and that is another thing my friends have been giving me a hard time about...the fact that I do not drink any alcohol anymore....

everyone kinda picks on me and makes fun or gives me a hard time....and the sad part and the part that upsets me is that nobody even said ..why u not drinkin u pregnant?

nope apparently they just see me as a kidless party girl........sad sad

today is just not a happy day....

I am sooooooo scared what is gonna become of my life.

it seems like everytime a guy shows some kinda interest in me I start dreaming...dreaming of having a normal life. With a man...hopefully my kid or kids and a nice appartment or house....yeah dare I say it a family...

I feel soo stupid even writing that...

I love my friends but I think I was better of when I just stayed home alone

thanks

for all my supporter..(there is not many)
and well wishes thru this blog and email.

and best wishes and prayers to all with the same goal or other challenges in life.

thanks u all mean soooooo much to me.

Estrogen level good

so this morning I went in for another bloodtest and my nurse called me to tell me that now the level is great...at 72o

hmmm 720 absolutely means nothing to me...being infertile it would really help to be a doctor or / and a nurse so u know what people are talking about.

but i can always already hear it in my nurses voice if it is good or bad news.

So I was driving in my car smiling because it was good news but also with tears in my eyes because I am yet soooo close again....

and I am terrified of the what when not...I think I would just run away from my whole life with a broken heart...

happy thoughts...so yes I am excited ..tomorrow i will receive a phone call to let me know when transfer is...

Estrogen level too low

• Estrogen level too low..have to take extra pills
• lining looks good
• car in the shop again
• all my friends make plans for trips or vacations and I cannot commit because my life is in limbo
• hard not to stress when everything goes wrong
• need a vacation
• sooooooo tired
• waiting for a call from the clinic....some time next week transfer

life in limbo

for the past few days I have just felt semi happy but anxious and restless.
i am sooo tired of my life being in limbo....I am like on hold....in a waiting line....

always waiting...is it gonna happen or is it not.
I cannot plan anything....can't date ....heck I am afraid to even talk to guys...afraid that someone likes me and then I have to tell........

I just wanna be pregnant and then I will be seen as normal...then people will know why i do not drink...or why I stay away from guys....

Life in Limbo sucks so bad.............and it has been like this for 3 years..........

Sad to say my life was easier when I was drinking....I would forget...now it is always there.......I know that makes me sound pathetic....but that is how I feel....that is what is my life or what has become of it....

so and now that I am a little depressed it is time for some form of exercise to get me some happy hormones...sigh

good mood continues

So I am still in a good mood.....
but I am worried the donor needs more lupron...not sure what that means.
Communication with the clinic sucks....

Everyone in my current group of friends is planning gettaways to the coast or to Vegas....and everyone wants me to go and I keep telling them I don't know.
they do not know about this project of mine. They are already wondering why I am not drinking alcohol....I just told them i have been drinking to much this year and they I will not drink any alcohol until the end of the year.

It's been odd to hang out with all my friends and not drink.
Lol I can be so boring when sober.

So I guess I will just have to wait and see if I can go on any trips....and how my friends accept the pregnant me...

and if not.....if it does not work again I have no idea what to do or how I will react....i am deathly afraid to think about it

I am just glad that i am finally in a better mood...it helps a lot.
I am sure being positive helps.

So for now I am just trying to keep it calm and happy...that should keep me busy...smile

finally in a better mood

so yesterday i was in a good mood for the first time in like almost 3 weeks...horrible...

not much is new...doing the patches....

have a hard time communicating with the clinic as usual...very frustrating....

cleaned all day...had been so lazy and miserable that I had not done anything in weeks....

now I am tired and I think I am gonna treat myself to a new dress. Why?

Just for the heck of it....

I am practicing not to curse....not easy for someone who is a expert user of the f-word...lol

Gosh there is so much more stuff i wanted to do today and I am already running out of steam and energy....but at least i have got a lot accomplished so i should be happy with that.

and to top it off

And to top off my wonderful week I somehow did something to cause myself a migraine yesterday. I did not sleep all night...my head hurt so bad I could not have it touch the pillow. At 3 am

I was in so much pain and I was sooo desperate to feel better that I almost called 911. Instead I cried myself to sleep.

Then I woke up and my stomach was all messed up. wow I cannot remember the last time i felt sooo bad.

I had to call in to work and miss out on overtime. I sat in the dark all day.

I am kinda okay now but I am exhausted and drained.

Wow what a week.

I can only hope that next week will be better...I mean come on can it get much worse?

reading my hand

the other day someone wanted to read my hand....I was soo deathly afraid that he would say that I will never have children that I told him that I don't want my hand read...everyone one of my friends had theirs read.

I was toooooooo freaking scared....I am not in to public meltdowns....

and so on and on and on and on

so I have not heard about my car that is in the shop...guess they think I can afford a rental car forever....I already worked almost 70 hrs this week to keep above water.....

I got a restaurant I ate at fucking with my credit card and i got a ticket because I parked my rental on the curb a bit....WTF

And I figured out that when I got my meds about a week and a half ago I forget to put one of the meds in to the fridge...so I prpbably can't use them now.

I have never been this unorganized...frazzled and stupid and tired in my life.

I am failing on all levels........people tell me stuff and I cannot remember they ever did....I am like sooooo out of it it is not even funny

How not to stress...

when

• u get screwed at work after working there for decades
• your car brakes down twice in a week
• u are paying for a rental car
• u gained 10 lbs in 2 weeks
• u can't go to the bathroom

I am not looking for stress....but I am being dealt a crappy hand this week and I have had about all I can hadle...

And I have a sono appointment this morning and I started my period and I am not sure if I am supposed to have one....first one in about 60 days.

i wanna lay in bed and cry alll day and I can't/

It's my best friends birthday and I have to fake a happy face all day....sigh

wondering if I will ever suceed...

and if I don't suceed...is it my fault?
am I doing everything right? do I eat ealthy?
Do I not exercise enhough?
Do I stress too much?

should I pray?

I am soooo overwhelmed

creating a baby

sucks....
when I started this I wanted a baby to look like me ....knowing that it has nothing from me.
Now I have a blonde egg donor (needless to say I am not anywhere near blonde, and don't even like blonde). So I am looking for a sperm donor with dark and curly hair...it is very frustrating.
What if I picked to people that make an ugly baby?

I am looooooooooooosing it....this all sux.....sigh

updates

• doing Lupron shots
• first time ever in my life had a credit card decline
• over 20.000 in debt now
• gained 7 lbs in 2 weeks
• haven't been swimming in over a week
• trying to eat healthy

Well those where the highlights and thoughts of the past few weeks.

One major thing that I have to figure out until Friday is a new sperm donor. the last one is retired and the two back up ones not available. So by Friday I have to pick 3 new ones. Yet just another dagger thrown in my way. I am trying to be more confident and more upbeat. But I am broke, tired and depressed and trying not to be. Yesterday I was driving to a relaxing BBQ with my friends and I was crying because my car is overheating...I have just had enough...I am tired I am done.....I can only take soo much.

I am already feeling guilty that I have been working some overtime and I am afraid it will not be good for me....I am psychically tired and mentally tired...I am just tired...

So today I am gonna try to find new sperm donors....yeah

this is all so stressingly tired depressingly weird

so chin up...and keep going

tired

I am soooo tired....sono tomorrow...always scared....sono's terrify me...so many times bad news...

thank goodness I am tired and gonna sleep like dead...

another week closer

so next week I have a sono before starting meds...and i get to pay another $ 13.000 Dollars...anxious about both...

but excited and ready to go....trying to eat healthy which is hard when I am on birth control cuase that shit makes me eat like a horse and crave shitty foods.

Nevertheless I am trying....i eat healthy but way too much...sigh
but I can handle one more week of it..

Little worried about being in debt that far but I will get over it.

oh I can do it....yes I am excited....just tired

excited and depressed

So I am really excited...my meds are ordered and I have another sono next week before starting meds. I am not drinking alcohol, I am eating healthy and I exercise every day.

I have just been working a lot to make some extra money. I have to ask my nurse if that is bad.

And my friends are all making plans for trips in September and November they wanna include me in....what if i am pregnant by then an cannot go...i feel soooo bad for excluding everyone....

but oh well....we shall see how they will react when they find out.

Starting over....round 2

So I never had a period but they said it does not matter. I was fixing to have one because i felt like crap. But they put me on birth control instead. And it is already giving me headaches.
So I got a brand new plan....end of august new transfer.

I stopped drinking alcohol, any caffeine....and I am trying to eat lots of fruits and veggies or more than usual at least. I am going swimming every day and I try to have no stress.....

I am scared and excited....

deap breath....I can do this

still waiting

for my period...never thought at one point in my life I would be waiting for this shit.

I am scared....what if I won't have one.....this is soooo crazy.

I am very depressed and discouraged

PMSing

and being very negative...whiny...cry-ish and impossible.

• wondering if there is an end to this
• wondering if anyone ever died of hotflashes or if I will be the first
• wondering if I will ever find happiness
• wondering how much longer I can handle this
• wondering how much more I can take

going to sleep and hoping for a better day tomorrow....and a better mood

starting over

so I have been too lazy, too tired and too hot and frustrated to update.
The bump on my hip is finally getting better and stopped itching and hurting like crap. I also finally got word from the clinic....the new donor passed and we are starting over....waiting for period again...yeah

I am not really excited I am scared to fail again and be over $ 20.000 in debt.

yes in a way I am excited but I try not to get giddy.
So we shall see I am anxious for sure.

everything sucks

I have hot flashes again and wake up several times at night.
I sit in my car and cry like I used to...so now I don't wanna go anywhere.
I wanna go back to my hermit mode....but my friends won't understand.
then it is ...ah she is in a bad mood...being a bitch...

hell why do I even bother having friends or leaving the house...

I went to Target and there was nothing but women with babies or kids and I get this big lump in my throat and I have to hold it together not to cry.
I had all my feelings under control and now I am all messed up again. Hormones outta whack and I am turning into this pathetic person that cannot see kids and happy families...makes me sooo depressed.
I hate feeling like this it is sooooo pathetic.

gonna try exercise now to feel better.....lets hope it works

feeling alone & frustrated

no word from my clinic...left a message...missed a call...never heard from them again....left a message

the place frustrates me....

feeling alone or lonely or I don't know what today.
Just wish I would not be alone on my couch tonight....

feel like crying for no reason

this all sucks

no news

no news from the clinic...that place frustrates me to no end.......

do not think these people know what I am going thru here.

sigh

putting things into perspective

So I do whine a lot and feel sorry for myself that I am in this situation. And I wonder why god does me soo wrong and lets other people have 4-6 kids that they do not take care off.
A lot of times I think my life sucks so bad and I am so unlucky.

Well the other day a friend told me about a lady whose husband got mugged, then had an accident and lost his eye. Then her mother had a stroke, then her husband had a stroke and now she has breast cancer.

So I feel guilty for even complaining.

And this week one of my co-workers told me that he has prostate cancer.

And yet again I felt so bad for always complaining about my crappy life.

Maybe I should be thankful for all the things that are not wrong with me.
Well it certainly brings things into a new perspective for me. Although I sometimes feel like I'd rather be dead than have my life....I also know that I do not mean that.....so I am gonna try to whine less and make the best out of what I have been dealt with....it is not gonna be easy but I will try.

And me and god my not have the best connection right now but my prayers certainly go out to all the people that have it a lot worse than I do.

feeling better.....getting there

So I am slowly feeling better....
No more headaches....no more stomach cramps.
But I think i have some kinda hot flashes or heat waves or maybe it is just because it is a hundred degrees outside every day. LOL

My injection site is still badly inflamed and itches like crazy.
Not sure how I am ever gonna do that again. Sigh!

Today was the first day that I could finally completely relax and fall asleep at acupuncture. First time I relaxed in almost 3 weeks. So hopefully me and my body are going back to normal...

No news from the clinic...don't think that is good...
Donor should have passed psych eval. by now.
Hmmmm

Well for now I am just thankful that I am feeling better.

feeling a little better

so I have finally mastered my headache but now I got heartburn from hell.
Oh boy I am so looking forward to my acupuncture treatment tomorrow.
Hopefully I will be all fixed and feel better afterwards. The last few times that I went I could not relax and it sucked. So I need to learn to relax again.

I can't fall apart now...sigh

I need to relax and enjoy life again and step out of this mood.

things are not going well

wow....things really suck
I have had a headache now for about 2 weeks. Ever since I stopped taking all the meds.
Great!

And people that don't know about what I am doing and what I am going thru are taking offense to me not feeling good and being quiet.
They see it as in me being in a bad mood. So I am retreating in to hermit mode again. Best to stay away from people since my recent so called friends only like HAPPY PEOPLE...
It hurts but oh well.....I will get over it...I have to get over everything else as well.

Whatever does not kill me makes me stronger.

Although coming of these hormones and feeling like shit everyday and being in a bummed mood for no reason is wearing me down. I am tired. And I am tired of doing this all by myself.

Today is probably the one day in forever that i will admit i would like to have another person to share this with....someone that loves me.
ahhh...crap...there i said it.

lol

But I will get over it and I will feel better....and i will hear news from my clinic soon.

I will be fine....

feeling blah

So I am telling myself the reason I am not feeling well, have constant headaches and dizziness and hate being around people and am usually in a horrible mood is because I am still coming of all the hormones. Most people in my life do not know about my infertility adventures so all they see is someone that does not wanna hang out and have fun, they see someone in a bad mood.
But I just don't feel well and hate being around happy people with happy lives.

They don't know so they don't understand.
And I don't feel like telling them....so let them think I am a bitch and I am in a bad mood.

I think I am a little depressed too...I have been eating a lot.

But starting Monday I am going to exercise and I am going to eat healthy.
And no more caffeine...and probably no more bier...sigh...could really use it these days.

I am also sweating like crazy...guess I am sweating out that stuff too.
Sigh...not even with accupuncture i can relax right now.
nothing relaxes me...

ohhhh sigh.....I am hanging on..lets face it ...I CANNOT feel like shit forever.

haha

waiting again

and I don't like waiting.

Still coming of my hormones....always tired and depressed and moody.
And been eating way too much...stress? could be

My former injection site itches like crazy and still hurts. And the skin is peeling.

And I have constant headaches...dull headaches.

sometimes I wonder why I do this ...but then I remember

Is it worth it? God I hope so.

how many days can I have a horrible period?

well it turns out quite a few....I have now had cramps since Friday evening....and I don't think they have ever stopped.....i am nauseous and do not have the energy to get of the couch.
My head hurts and I am super dizzy.....

Dear God please make this stop I need to make it to the store somehow.
I cannot recall the last time i felt this horrible for so long.

feeling blue and like shit

So since my body skipped a period while trying to have a baby and being pumped full of estrogen and progesterone I am now having the period from hell of course...and I knew it was gonna happen.
My body just always pays me back like that.
I feel horrible. I have been nauseous for 2 days. I have cramps really bad and pain killers do not help. And it is so hot outside that I cannot even leave the house...I feel like I am gonna pass out.

And on top of already feeling bad I am in this horrible depressed mood, probably because I am coming of all these hormones.
I can hardly be around people because I am edgy, bitter, mean and wanna start a fight with everyone.

Awww it is horrible and I hope it goes away soon.

Sigh....I just wanna break down and cry for absolutely no reason.

I am okay

So Monday I got me some alcohol to numb my pain...and yesterday I got drunk.
Today I feel like shit. But I got it out of my system and will go back to no caffeine, no alcohol, healthy eating and just living healthy.

I got a call from the clinic today. They have a new egg donor for me.
Blonde and blue-eyed. Nothing like me but I said yest instantly because I am not picky no more like I was 3 years ago. I just want a healthy baby. I don't care if it looks nothing like me....Lotsa people have kids that look nothing like them.

I am calm and I am okay. I can do this I know I can.

mood: confident

Fail

so it did not happen...I hate to say it out loud but I am not pregnant.
So I gotta start allover.
So now I am having a pint of Smirnoff Ice.
Yes that is my immature way of dealing with this.
I am devastated but already planning on the next step..
I am gonna take two days to get drunk....then I will start allover..

I am still waiting for my nervous breakdown.
And on top of all of it i work with assholes...

yeah

....

my head is full of thoughts and I am afraid I cannot sleep so I figured I better write them down.
And now I sit here and stare at the computer screen.....

I had trouble with my progesterone shot again. Had to poke the skin several times before I found a spot that did not hurt. And then I started crying when the needle went in....and I got hot and nauseous....
It gets harder each time I start thinking that I got this down.
My hip hurts...it hurts every day now....all the time.
I got ready for bed tonight and decided I am an awful sight in the mirror.
The progesterone gives me acne...So far on my upper back and chest.
And a little on my neck and now starting in my face.
I am white as a sheet and sickly looking.
I am trying to tell myself it is gonna be all worth it....
But my little pep talks with myself have failed all day.

I think that the overload of different hormones is finally getting the best of me.
I am tired and exhausted and I am soo cry-whiney...which I hate.

Sigh and now I am blog-whining....lol

So I think it is time to try to go to sleep and get on with tomorrow.
There is only two ways this can go.........and I am gonna have to be okay and go one....what other choice do I have?

not so calm no more

So I am slowly crumbling and falling slowly apart. I am soo scared about tomorrow. I have not been able to concentrate on hardly anything today not even things I like. All I have been doing is eating...not sure if that is the all the hormones I am taking or if that is from stress. I seem to act like I am not stressing but I am.
Today or actually most of the weekend I have just been sitting on the couch...doing nothing and snacking of an on. Unfortunately I have lost my taste for healthy foods the past two weeks...I think I gained at least 7 lbs.
Not a big deal. ....but stressful as well....
Sad that I can look pregnant...but not get pregnant....sigh

This afternoon I have started to crumble...all of a sudden I just teared up..
I wanted to just let go and cry but I always think that is such a weakness.
Guess I will save that for tomorrow. Cause I will be balling my eyes out regardless what happens.
I have been trying to be prepared for bad news but I think I may have been fooling myself...
I can all of a sudden feel the anxiety creeping up...my chest hurts and I am swallowing the tears. No I am not ready!
I know I will be able to hear it in my nurse's voice. I can almost always tell if it is good news or bad news. Sigh!

I am not sure what I am going to do in case of bad news. Usually the calmer I am the worse I break down.

I am afraid to even think I could get good news. I am soo stupid to think of the worst case scenario makes me prepared.

No it does not.

So here I am the eve before my big day.
Pregnant or not is the big question.

the side effects of trying to get pregnant

Wow I feel like shit.
i have now had a headache for 2 days. very uncomfortable.
My legs and feet and thighs and fingers and face are swollen. Puffy!
I could hardly put my sandals on this morning.
My back is covered in acne worse than I had it as a teenager...sigh.

But it's all gonna be worth it one day.

But today it is stressful...sigh....
so I am just taking it easy...lil puter ...lil TV...and lil house work
and lotsa food...hehe

mood: trying for it to be good

calm before the storm?

So it turns out my leftover embryos have been discarded...guess they were no good. So that means the 2 that have been implanted to me have to work.
Otherwise I will have to start ALL OVER AGAIN...and charge up my credit cards with another 15.000 dollars...yeahaa

So needless to say I am kinda confused, upset and very anxcious.
So it is do or die on Monday.
I am much calmer than I thought I would be.
But that may be the calm before the storm.
On Monday may life will either be perfect or I will fall apart.

so I am now enjoying the calm before the storm....or maybe jsut maybe I will get very very lucky and there will be no storm

Dreaming

I am scared

....I am scared of failure...and overwhelmed with side effects....
and I may have majorly screwed something up while signing all my fertility clinic paperwork. I feel so stupid and I am sooo upset....and I am supposed to be calm....
I wish people at that clinic would take more time ....hey I am a human not a number...I am an infertile human not some stupid infertile number...

sigh........can't change what happened so I should not stress...can only hope for the best...if not I am kinda screwed.

trying to be positive...have to go on no matter what...

feeling tired

So I have been feeling pretty tired and just very low on energy.
I have been eating pretty healthy and I have been getting lots of sleep.
Hey that is about all I can do.
and wait and wait and wait

and secretly hope....and dream

Progesteron shots...and how I try to conquer them

For the past 3-4 days my shots have been getting worse everyday. I tried to read up on some helpful information on the internet. I could not believe someone actually made a you tube video of how to give a shot. And hell no I did not watch it. That is just too much. Sorry!

So after having a huge blue yellow mark, swelling of the area, then reddening and major swelling and pain I think I finally perfected my shot a little more last night and feel more confident that I can indeed continue to do them and NO I willl not shake like a leaf afterwards or almost pass out....sigh

yeap I am my own lil hero some times...yes I can do it.

YES I CAN!

the wait after IVF transfer

so I am in a waiting period now ....one week wait for hormone check then another week to see if it worked...
hmmm...kinda stressful

So over the passed few days I kept reading all I could find on IVF Transfer.
I was trying to find out what food to eat....what not to eat...what to do what not to do...and I was driving myself a little nuts.
then I read soemwhere that basically there is nothing I can do.
It's not up to me it is up to the genetic quality of the embryos....so what ever happens has nothing to do with me.

Jeeez I am a dork...but then I knew that.

So I am gonna just continue life till I find out and whatever the outcome I am gonna be okay....yeap

mood: much calmer

was stressing today

So I was really stressing today. Not sure why.
But I am mad at myself...supposed to stay calm and happy.
Everything bothered me today....and to make matters worse I cannot do
acupuncture right now...sigh...

I need to chill, don't wanna harm the process of these "lil guys"
So hey I need to relax....
I alreadty started taking naps every day so I am calm and get more sleep.

Been eating too much....maybe because I am anxious deep down while trying to remain calm.

Maybe it is all the hormones I am taking?

oh well....

my 2 embryos that were transfered

so how funny they gave me a pic of my two quality 8 embryos that went in.
I even got to watch in on Sono...that was weird.
I just wanted to close my eyes but this was cool.








and a sono of my airbubble where they are now ...weird

IVF done

so IVF is done...
now I gotta wait....2 days bedrest...easier said then done even for a couch potato like me.
so now I go on about my daily business and wait and dream and hope.

mood: strange but good

Today's shot did not go well

...I feel like I am crumbling now...
Today's shot went horrible...I thought I had pulled the progesterone into the syringe but thank god realized there was only air in there before I injected myself. I had the hardest time getting the fluid in w/o air bubbles...yesterday went fine...not sure what happened. And then as soon as I finished injecting the progesterone...some of it came back out of the injection site....boy it freaked me out...


They should give lessons for this before they make ya do that.
And I already got a big yellow blew mark on my injection site.
I am so afraid I am doing things wrong. I cannot remember when I did patches and when I take pills...it's not that I am not taking this seriously ...I don't know what is wrong with me.
I got soo nervous and sweaty I almost passed out and now I am almost in tears.
Gosh I am soo scared to do something wrong.

I cannot cry now and have a mini breakdown...I need to finish watching Desperate Housewives and remain calm and get a good night sleep.

mood: whiny....my hip hurts from the needle..sigh

Putting my smile back on and I am gonna keep going

trying to remain calm....

is easier said then done....
I slept horrible last night and had weird dreams.
I woke up all tired, stiff and with a slight headache.

I haven't done anything all day except for search websites
about IVF...not a good idea. It's gonna freak me out more.
So I am trying to chill and do something else.
But I have no motivation today. Was gonna treat myself to go out to eat...don't feel like getting dressed. No energy...no mood to do anything...just sit here and wait....sigh

hmmm and the day is not even half over....OMG

I am loosing it today or I am overwhelmed

Earlier today I could not figure out when the last time was I put my Estrogen patches on. and if to change them every 4 or 3 days...well its 72 hrs-3 days and now I cannot remember if I put them on Thursday or Friday but I am almost positive that I did put them on....Then I could not remember if I already took my Estrogen pill this afternoon so I took on.
And now I just realized I was supposed to start taking the other two pills yesterday and I forgot.OMG how can I be sooo stupid....????
I am loosing it a bit I think.

This is really going to happen

So this is really going to happen.
Next week.
As of today I take so many medications its crazy.

• Estrogen patches
• Estrogen pill
• Progesterone shot
• Progesterone depository
• some other pill
• some other pill

yeah I can't even recall all the names.

But 5 eggs are all ready to go and waiting for me....

mood: super excited!!! and kinda scared

I think I am my own hero

I injected myself with a needle longer than 1.5 inches today...all by myself.
My progesterone shot..
3-4 years ago I fainted at the sight of a needle...
If they try to take blood from me at a doctors office I turned green and near fainted and I could not look.
Now I look and stab myself with long ass needles.

yes I think I am my own hero today.
WOW

getting nervous

so I am getting more than anxious ...I am getting a little nervous.
I know I need to be calm and my pre-transfer acupuncture treatments have really helped...but still this is terrifyingly exciting and devastatingly scary.

oh boy

I feel like a fraud

Wow I am soo tired of leading a double life.
I need to tell people...it's drivimg me a little crazy that my best friend right does not know about this and I am afraid to tell.
What if she hates me when she finds out I have kept this huge secret?

donor egg retrieval

is on Friday at 8 am.
and then they will call me to let me know how many eggs there is.
I am scared and excited ...oh heck I really do not know how I feel....

I am sooooooo close....strange feeling

no more acupuncture

I also found out today that once pregnant I cannot have anymore acupuncture.
Wow that really depressed me.
It keeps me grounded and calm and almost - dare I say - happy.

sigh

wow....never been this close

and I am not sure how I feel about it.
Every time I have an office visit at the fertility clinic I am afraid to get bad news. And here lately there has not only been bad news...and I have never been this close....
So last Monday my Estrogen level was not high enough it was below 3oo and they wanted it over....and today it was at 600 ...wow
and now everything is going so fast.
Friday they are gonna take the eggs from the donor and Sunday or Monday I will have the transfer....they will let me know when.

I was so giddy all day .....then I was sooo happy that I cried on my home in between smiles.

I feel weird....I am not really scared and I am trying not to be excited.

Oh my good this can actually happen....sigh

WOW!!!!!

waiting for Monday

so I am jsut waiting for monday to see what my estrogen level is.
Had lotsa people wish me Happy Mothers day today and I wanted to hit all of them. Sigh

Guess everyone just assumes that someone my age should be a mother.
Well hell I am trying people.

not a good day.

I am strangely calm

I am not sure if doing acupuncture twice a week or having some really great friends right now (although I have not told them about THIS) is keeping me calm and dare I say almost happy. But I have not stressed about anything lately. I am very calm. It's kinda nice. I am not worried about anything..
No stress when my Estrogen level was not high enough. I took it matter of factly and asked what do we do next ....

I like this new calm me.....smile

Estrogen levels too low

So even though I am wearing tons of patches all the time or so it seams my estrogen level is too low....so they gave me some extra pills.

Other than that everything is a go.

mood: trying not to be excited......


sigh...soooo close

had a great weekend

I really had a great weekend.
I am relaxed and there for about 1 day or so I was even happy.
Wow....
this week I have another appointment to see how all my medication is
working...
So I am trying to remain calm and collected and see what happens.

how fast a spell can be broken

or a Happy Mood ruined.

Just got a phone call from a good friend(one of the original 3 people I told about this) and he asked me how come I am not out drinking or partying

ahhhhh hellooooo I am trying to have a baby why would I be drinking and going to wild parties.

I told him and he says oh I forgot...I had to get off the phone before I loose it.

Why did I tell 3 people that could not care LESS?

thank god the 4th person I told his not an idiot and has been very supportive.

Sigh....

okay now I want my happy mood back.

mood: happy

yes everyone heard right...I actually had a few rare happy days.
I had a relaxing fun weekend with some friends and I almost forgot
who i am and what my issues are....
sigh

Patch # 2 tonight

so tonight I get to take my first patch of and put number 2 on.

And I still have about 2 weeks till anything else happens.

So I am really anxious and as always trying not to be excited.

Hmmm what do I do for 2 weeks how do I chill?

I feel like I can almost not sit still....sigh

So I am just trying to occuppy my time very usefully...

Maybe I should cook or bake something....hmmm

or just simply clean my house....lol

starting the Patches

So today I started the Vivelle-Dot patches and I am still injecting the Lupron shots. And my appointment this week went well ...everything looks great.
Got another one in 14 days and then they will let me know if this is gonna happen or not...

I am scared and I am kinda excited...heck I don't really know how to feel.

sigh

mood strange

mood: very strange

Sometimes I wonder if god (and I am not even sure anymore that I believe in god because of all of this) has a reason for doing all this to me.
Am I a bad person? Will I be a bad mother?
Then I hate myself immediately for saying it or writing it out.
I am sometimes so afraid that something I did caused all this. What did I do wrong?

mood: cry baby

time to get back to happy mode....I can do this ...yes I can...

mood: good

yes I am in a good mood...had a great weekend.
Reconnected with a few old friends. Some which of I thought I would never see or talk to again.
so I am really in a good mood.
I am calm and content.
So all I can do is keep doing what I have to do and wait for my next Doctors appointment and wait what they tell me.

doing okay

So I am doing okay...I am kinda dreaming and I am kinda excited.

And of course I feel almost guilty for it. I guess in my head I somehow believe that if I do not get to excited about what could be in a few weeks that I will not fall so far if it does not happen?

Well it made sense in my head....maybe not written down.

So I am trying to keep all positive and happy.

Which is not easy for me....but hey I have come this far...

yeah me.

Doing the Lupron shots has been kinda easy...it does not even hurt.

Hey I could almost become a nurse now...lol

soo tired but good

So my week started off with way too much drama. Turns out I owe my clinic $35 for an office visit. And that is why the woman caused me all this drama on Monday. Wow so unnecessary. But I let my nurse know. She always makes me feel better and puts be back to calm and normal.
Also I am doing acupuncture twice a week again. I need all the calm I can get.
Also we are doing acupuncture treatments in preparation for transfer.

Today is my 3rd day of the Lupron shots. And I am doing so well with injecting them. I am so proud of myself.

For some reason being this close seems unreal...surreal?
and it is a little scary for some reason....hmmm

Very strange indeed and I am trying not to be excited.
But I am calm and that is good.

I can do this...yes I can!!!!

My fertility clinic sucks

or so I think today.
Everytime I have an appointment I see different people who know nothing F-ing about me. Today I got all my meds and start Lupron shots tomorrow...no time line no idea how long...no further info given.
I asked for a schedule or calendar like they gave me the last time. So I was handed some paper that did not make any sense to me and told to put a date on.
These people stress me sooo much that I am so afraid.
Then I get to the check out and the gal has to talk to some other chick forever.
Then she comes back to tell me that they are REVIEWING my account.
Oh let me guess ...y'all want yet more money? I told her to define reviewing which of course she would not.
so now I have another appointment next thursday (and hell no i don't even know what for) and then I am sure they are gonna hit me for more money.
Well good luck....I am about taped out.

Stress cannot be good can it?

I hate my infertile life!!!!!

still recovering from Surgery

So I am still recovering from surgery. I feel so tired and worn out...didn't think I could feel any more tired and unmotivated...but I do.
Was already tired before...lol

well one more week and I have another ultrasound to see if everything is okay
and then we go on from there...

mood: kinda excited and kinda proud of me

Hysteroscopy went well

So my hysteroscopy went well. Or so they say! Check up in two weeks.
I must say for some reason I was really scared and just worried.
The nurses and all the doctors were so nice and sweet that it made it really easy.
I made this hurdle so ...bring it on...next hurdle please

mood today: confident.!!!!

yeah!

birth control.........

.........gives me severe headaches.
So today is my 5th. day of birth control and my 3rd day of a freaking headache.
Today it was so severe that I could not even get up to go to work. Like I can really afford to stay home.
Wow I have to take stuff to make me feel like shit just so I can eventually have a child...wow.....the longer this takes the less this all makes sense to me...

And for the past few days I am kinda falling into a deep depression again and having constant headaches is not helping.

So I put my smile back on and keep on trucking.......

Expiration date

So this morning when I was making breakfast I looked at the eggs that I threw in my pan. And they have an expiration date stamped on the eggshell....
And I was thinking to myself I wish my eggs would have came weith a stamp that says when they expire then I would not be were I am now.

Sigh...

so...finally

I started my period and have my hysteroscopy scheduled for next week.
Not looking forward to it...scared somehow although I was told it is a simple procedure.
And the recovery time is apparently very short.
So I already have a follow up ultrasound scheduled for April 13th and then I start Lupron already.
And on May 11 I will have a transfer if everything goes well.

I am trying really hard not to get to excited...

sigh

finally

so it looks like I am finally gonna have my period tomorrow. Damn and I cannot believe that i am actually excited about that and blogging about it...that is just sick.

But at least I will finally get to schedule this surgery and get on with my life

still waiting...

and it is driving me absolutely crazy...it seems my life is always on hold for something

sad news

.....someone really close to me passed away today. And I am very upset.
To think that I will never see her again and she will never see my future children. She would always say that she may never see me again...this time she was right.
I wish I could have seen her more and I wish I would have called her more.
All I have now are my memories and pictures. And hopefully a keepsake that someone in the family will safe me.
I have had about all I can take.....

May she rest in peace...I loved her so

still waiting

....but I am a little more confident about this surgery...little less panicked.
I am thinking maybe this is my year...hey I gotta get lucky some time.
So I am trying to remain confident. Doing more things with friends, being more social and try to just have some fun.

been in good spirits

So I have been in a good mood.
The weather is gorgeous and I am tired of feeling bad and being in a bad mood.
hehe

So I am gonna enjoy being almost happy for a while.

another one hit the dust

so another one pretty much hit the dust.
Guys don't stick around when presented with problems.
And no I do not feel to elaborate on the subject anymore.
I am a big girl, I am a little warrior and I am moving on.

I cannot sleep

so it is once again Sunday night and I cannot sleep.
I tried to do the "I-am-a-normal-woman-human-being-thing" tonight and hang out with the guy that has been kinda showing an interest in me. Since I can never sleep on Sunday nights anyway I figured why not go to his house and watch a movie, have some beer and just cuddle. So I did. Well he asked me to spend the night so we were laying down all nice cuddled up and just talked. Apparently I am easier to get along with than I was 10 years ago. So we are talking about old times and family and all sorts shit until he asked me how come I have never gotten pregnant...oh my god I just wanted to die. So I did the immature thing and asked: Pregnant? why? and by whom?...and he asked or could I not get pregnant and I just said I did not want to talk about it. Yes that was really so mature of me. NOT!!! I felt horrible, and trapped and I did not know what to do and just wanted to leave. Or have him just hold me. But he fell asleep and started snoring so I woke him up and told him I was leaving. He said whatever so I guess that is not a good thing. I let myself out and gone I was.
then I texted him that I was sorry for leaving.

Well and now it is 3am in the morning and I have had no sleep and will have to be at work in about an hour.....

Gosh I am such a f-ing idiot.
I am soo stressed out right now because I do not know how he will react and I feel like such a immature moron. So I guess tomorrow or whenever i will have to give him the talk about "ALL" my shortcomings...And then I can watch and see which one makes him run for the hills faster......

And here I dreamed that I could actually hang out with a guy and be normal.
Well I guess I was wrong.

why am I always having to wait for my period?

Okay the . So during this whole infertility thing I always find myself waiting for my period to go to the next step...that is just wrong on soooo many levels.
Now I am waiting so they can schedule my hysteroscopy. So I have no clue when that is gonna happen. Well I kinda do. It will be in the next few weeks. I am very nervous.
And yesterday the guy I have been hanging out with this week asked me how I was doing health wise because he knows I had a cyst and an ovary removed 11 years ago. And I could not even tell him: Oh by the way ...the woman you seem to like right now is still messed up, even more so now.

All my life I was waiting for Prince Charming or just a guy that loves me and would tell me he would love to have a child with me....somehow I never got so lucky. I am not saying that this guy now would all off a sudden tell me that now.
BUT I think life would be very cruel if all of a sudden someone would do it now that I am older and only partial woman anymore. I don't know maybe I am just scared that someone will like me, really like me for who I am even with all my issues. I guess I am just so used to having bad relationships and always getting dumped or rejected. All I know is this guy hung out with me two days this week and is talking all sorts of stuff we will do in the future and it scares me.

Gosh I need a shrink....oh wait that one dumped me too....lol

Well I am gonna try to remain calm and see where live takes me.
Hey what have I got to loose? At this point really nothing.
So life bring it on!!! I am almost ready!! ROOAAARRR!!!

life can be nice too me....

until I remember....sigh
So I had two nice days where I got to hang out with a friend (well someone I dated 10-12 years ago) and with people that are from the same country we are from. And it has been very nice and I had almost forgotten about all my shortcomings and issues.

Problem is the guy seems to like me....WTF?
And I must say it has been very nice to have someone tell me (well text me) that he had a great time hanging out and that he remembers why he fell for me the first time. And that I am pretty and that I smell good. Holy crab I cannot remember the last time someone said anything remotely that nice to me.
So needless to say I am very flattered. I feel comfortable with him and I like hanging out. Makes me feel like a woman...which I keep forgetting that I am one.
BUT here comes the huge BUT.
I just feel bad already because I know I am gonna have to tell him about my issues and why we can't date......so yeah life is gonna suck again ........

And I am undecided if I should enjoy it for a little while longer or if I should tell him sooner than later....

ah shit why can't I be a normal woman and have relationships like everyone else?
I wanna say the F-word really loud right now!!!!

I don't feel good...

.....but then what else is new?
I have been hot and tired all day. I think I even have a fever.
So to sum it up...I feel like shit. And the fact that it is 80 something degrees outside is not exactly helping.
I just wanna sleep and sleep and sleep and then maybe wake up when this nightmare is over....

sigh

I am stressed!

But then what else is new. Bang now I owe more money again and it drives me crazy. And the upcoming surgery is gonna cost me even more. Wow I have no idea how I am gonna do all this. And on top of all I am scared of this surgery. I cannot loose any more female organs or I won't be a damn female anymore.
I already don't feel like one anymore.
So I am stressing big time!

Plus now the thought is slowly occurring to me that this could all fail and
I will be out of a shitload of money with absolutely nothing to show for than a broken heart.

I am so not prepared to even think about that. How do I keep going?

Well once again ...not so good news

So I had my appointment today for a Saline sonogram (yikes! not fun) and a blood test before we can start with a new donor. Needless to say I hardly slept last night. I had a feeling that something was wrong. It seems like in the last 8-10 years every time I have any form of sonogram there is something wrong with me. Well and unfortunately I was right. I have a polyp and it needs to come out.
So I got an overload of info in about an hour and could hardly hold my self together. So I have a polyp ( hell I am gonna have to look that up first to know what the hell it exactly is) and they need to take it out via (heck I am gonna have to find the paper they gave me to think of the name) HYSTEROSCOPY.
Heck I don't even wanna read all the info on it...I have a few more weeks till they do that. So I was already nauseous from the procedure and the not so good news.
Then I go to check-out and have to sign all the paper work for my new donor and surprise there is also a new balance of $ 2.1oo. Needless to say I was unaware and very unprepared for that. So all I could do is hold my tears back and hand over my visa card and demand an itemized printout which made absolutely no sense to me. They called me later and explained but I am still confused and I am terrified of how much money I owe again. I am still not sure how I made it thru work. So tomorrow I am gonna have to call my insurance company and see how much more this surgery is gonna set me back.
And Friday I will be pounding the pavement and the Internet for a second job.

So the only good news in all this is....the donor does not mind waiting till this is all done....which will take at least 6-8 weeks. ( hey what is 6-8 weeks when you have been at this for almost 3 years and according to my new fat bill already lost 4 donors). And the other recipient has the same problem as I do and has to have surgery as well. Hmmmm!!! Not sure that makes me feel better. Well maybe in a way it is good to know that it is not me alone that is seriously messed up.

This year was gonna be the first time in over 10 years that I was gonna spend my tax return on something other than bills and debt. But I guess now I cannot really do that.

So I have been waiting all day for the tears to come streaming down as soon as I am not around people anymore. But no nervous breakdown yet.
How can I always be so close and then loose again?
I am not ready to give up!!!!!
I will manage somehow as I always do.

am very nervous

So I have my appointment tomorrow. And I am scared. It seems like I never don't have anything wrong with me when doing a sonogram.
So I am trying not to think about it and hope that I can get some sleep tonight.
Well hopefully things I am afraid of most ist that I am being told that we cannot do this anymore because my body is more fucked up than before.
Well we shall see.

got new check-ups scheduled

So I got my new stuff scheduled.
And for some reason I am all stressed and bummed out. Been depressed all week. I hate how I could only have an appointment on Monday and have to leave work and then go back...sucks.
I hate how they tell me over the phone real quick what kinda tests they are gonna do. I have no idea what it is. Do they only treat me this way because I am single and not a recipient couple? Hell I don't know but I hate worrying about shit like that....that clinic stresses me out even more.

So now I am gonna search the internet to find out WTF a saline sonogram is.
yeah....

so....

I gotta call the clinic tomorrow so they can schedule all my tests....not getting excited about nothing....just gonna take it day by day....

waiting ....

so I am waiting for my period.....5 years ago I never thought I say that out loud.
Always dreaded it now I am waiting for it...so I can call the clinic and they can get blood and do testing to get my charts updated on my current health or lack there off for their files before we start allover again.

Almost there...yeahaaa
Well hopefully my monthly curse is the reason I have been soooo horrible tired for the past at least 10 days. I can only hope that there is nothing else wrong with me.
Well since they are gonna take my blood I am sure they would know. If it does not go away I guess I am gonna have to see a doctor. It is very unusual for me to take a 3 hour nap every day after work for more than a week. I am almost falling asleep on my way hoem from work. So hopefully just a wonderful side effect of being a woman as my body seems to come up with new versions of PMS or PMDD or whatever they call all this shit.

So now I wait and then hope that all my test at the clinic come out fine and that I am still woman enough to do this...sigh

So and now I am gonna get up and make myself do something cause I could already go back to bed and I just barely had breakfast

been soooooooooo tired

Okay so I don't know what is wrong with me now. For the past almost two weeks I have been very very tired. I come home from work and I am so tired that I have to lay down and I fall asleep or 2-3 hours. Very unusual for me.
So I hope this is not a sign for something being wrong with me.
Jeez for how long can I be soooo tired?

another egg donor hits the dust

wow ...
so another egg donor hit the dust. This one did not pass the psych evaluation.
And the funny thing is I kinda had a feeling that she would not. And I am not sure why but I did. Plus i could tell by the my nurse's voice.
Wow it is so sad that I can already predict these things.

And I am not even upset because somehow I knew.

But the good news is we have a new one that has lotsa eggs and makes babies.
YEah!
Wow that does sound weird even to me.
I have come such a long way from the first PERFECT donor. Now I am almost down to all they have to do is be alive and breathing. Yes I guess I am that desperate now.

Gosh I am sooo scared...

I do not know how much more of this I can handle.

And pretty soon I am gonna shut down any alcohol consumption again which is gonna make it harder.

It helps to get drunk now and then or just have a beer for calmness.
Okay back to yoga it is. Better for me anyway.

Well so lets see what happens next

tired

so I have been feeling really tired and down in the dumps.
Trying to do whatever to make me feel better or put me in a better mood.
So far ...no good...sigh

While I was at an appointment I missed a call from my nurse.
So I have to wait till tomorrow to hear what the news are.

I think I can always hear it in her voice if it is good or bad.
And I did not like her voice in the message.

Sigh!

so I am waiting

So no news from the clinic yet.
Still waiting....but I am okay with that.
I am a little more chillaxed I think....since I almost kinda forgot about
it for a little bit this week.

Tired....

of being depressed and not knowing why.
I have to work some overtime tonight and I have been bummed all day.
Maybe it is the thought of having to go to work...since I really hate work
these days. I don't know. I am just not snapping out of feeling blah and sooo tired.
I've barely gotten of my couch today. I haven't even left the house. Gosh I hate when I am like this. I hate hormones...they suck...lol

I am thinking of something I could do that would make me happy. Besides shopping since I have no money.

Well I guess all I can do is make it thru the rest of the day....go to my dreaded working overtime (hey I need the money) thing and then tomorrow when I've slept off my working overnight shift hopefully I will be in a better balanced mood and place.

And hey it is not too much longer till NASCAR stuff starts on TV so that will bring a little happy back to my life....yes!!

nothing to report

now I am just waiting again....

I am in one of those cry-whiny moods that I hate and I am not sure why i am in a mood.

sucks

good just never seems to last

So I am in an excellent mood all day and I feel all positive about life and everything and then of course i have to go to work. And there is no place I hate more these days. I left sooo mad. So I vented to a friend and was kinda okay afterwards. Then I file my taxes to find out I get less than half of what i got last year. So now I am all bummed and depressed.

why does good never last?

is it me?

things are back on track

So today as I was just drving home from work I got a phone call from my clinic.
And I was told the couple will share the donor. So we are back on. All the donor has to do is go to see the psychologist and pass that and then we are good to go.
Looks like things are looking up a bit.

still no word...

from my egg donation coordinator....uhhh such a fancy word.

Sometimes I really feel like I do not get the same attention because I am just a single woman and not a couple. hmmmmm

well lets not get goofy.

so today I had a nice encounter with an infant and I did not cry afterwards or have a mini nervous breakdown...yeah for me.

this must sound so weird for normal/fertile people but it is reality to me.

no word yet

So I never got a phone call yesterday.
But that is okay. I mean those people are being asked to share a donor.
So they are probably a little freaked out and they have to think about it.
I mean that means instant siblings of sort. So I am sure they could not give
and answer right away.

Wow sometimes I only think about me in this whole thing. Never about the other
parties involved. It's gotta be difficult for them too. I am in it alone and the other recipients are always couples but still it's not easy for anybody.

I read a blog yesterday where one woman wrote about her adventures with infertility.
and she was all okay about using a donor from the beginning which i could not understand. And it took a bit for the husband to come around. It was very refreshing to read that someone was soo cool with the whole idea. It surely made me feel better.
I usually try not to read to many blogs because it is always about couples. Never a single person like me so that is kinda depressing.

And then the thing that really freaked me out the other day was reading the blog of a young woman that was actually kinda upset with her mom for using a sperm donor and now is trying to find that donor. But she seemed so angry with her mom.
So I guess I am worried how that will turn out for my child. I don't want my child to hate me in 15 years. Scary!
But I guess that is one girl unhappy with her situation.

I am gonna try to provide all the info for the egg and sperm donor that I can.
But I am also gonna try to be the best mother that I can and hopefully my child or children will not feel the need to search for their biological donors.
And who knows maybe I will find a dad for my child one day.

Hey but lets have a child first...I am not worried about the man to go with me and the offspring.

So lets just wait to hear who the donor is going to be.

So I went to go look at new donors

Okay so I am trying to be all upbeat about this.
I went shopping for my baby momma today. HAHA

Okay seriously I went to go look at new donor options. There was 3 potential candidates that are willing to share recipients (half the cost).
Two of them had abortions at one point in their life which I more than hate.
And one is part Filipino which I am not.

I used to want to pick donors that looked like me or kinda like me. This time I decided to make a smart and not emotional decision. I picked the one with the best eggs and the most follicles. So I picked the most fertile girl in the bunch. So now I just have to wait for a phone call from my nurse/coordinator to let me know if the couple that has already picked her is willing to share.
It would save them half the cost, but of course their child and mine would be some sort of related which off course is rather odd. The donor herself does not have any kids yet.
Very strange feeling but hey if there is no other way you get over a lot of hang-ups you may have had.
And for number 2 I picked a really cute light Hispanic girl. She also had an abortion once and has no kids now. But she is already 30. And the last one is half white half Filipino and cute and has one kid.
They all seem to be very smart and have some sort of degree and are healthy.

I still don't feel very comfortable picking mom and dad for my child but it seems to be my only option other than adoption.
I spent a year now to try to revive my own stuff with acupuncture but I seem to have failed. So now I am doing what I think i have to.

So now I sit and wait...I better be good at waiting because there is gonna be a lot of it.
This is a new start a new year. I wanna be very positive and hopeful about this and about everything in my life. Maybe I was not ready two years ago that is why things did not go well with the last donor. So now I have took a year off and I am ready to start fresh.

Infertile World here I come.
lol