Happy New Year

So her I am waiting for 2008.

And I am soo tired because I have not been sleeping well the past two nights.

But hey I can sleep when I am 80.

This is the first time in 10 years that I will spend New Years Eve by myself.

And I thought it would depress me...plus I have PMS

BUT

no I am okay....I am in a very good mood today. Enjoyed my relaxing acupuncture treatment and decided not to do anything tonight. Got me a small bottle of champagne

and am gonna have one or two glasses.

And I am not gonna make any new years resolutions like I do every year.

Hey I survived 1 year and 4 months of infertility drama, I survived my first Christmas in 10 years by myself.

And I am not miserable.....I AM JUST FINE...

And the other day while driving (that is when I do all my thinking) I thought how truly well I am doing and how strong I am. I had underestimated myself. I must say I am actually impressed with myself. I am dealing, I am coping and I am really doing fine.

I Thought I was gonna crumble and crash over Christmas.

But I did more than okay.

I can do this .....AND I AM NOT GIVING UP.

I am gonna enter into a new year with new hopes and new dreams. I am gonna have a life again, I am not gonna put my life on hold....I am gonna lead a normal life.

or at least I am gonna try my hardest.

I am gonna be okay....and today I felt almost happy for a while.

I am good....I am okay.

Happy New Year!!!!

doing good

So I am doing good....except for PMS.
I survived Christmas w/o crying.
And I am gonna survive my b-day too.
I scheduled a few treatments at a spa and I am really looking forward to it.
It is gonna be great.

Other than that I am still taking all my Chinese herbs, doing acupuncture and
keep measuring my temperature.

I have great hopes and try not to dwell on my future.


oh and this is really need for tracking temperature

www.fertilityfriendonline.com

Christmas was not bad

Well Christmas was not soo bad.
I was really worried....but turns out I am stronger than I thought I was.
I had a nice Christmas Eve and worked all day Christmas Day.
So I did good. And now everything is back to normal and I just have
to survive my b-day.

Acupuncture is going well.....my ovulation chart is still a little crazy
but we will see more after my next period.
Crazy but I am looking forward to those now.....sick
I almost done have any PMS systems this month thanks to acupuncture.

So all in all things are going well.

hanging in there

So I am trying to survive Christmas by myself...still w/o a child.
My Basal Temp. Chart is outta whack.
But my acupuncturist does not seem concerned yet.
So I keep on going.....lets face it I am gonna have a baby one way or another
before I am stone age old...haha

Sigh

Well according to charts that I looked at I should have ovulated yesterday.
Don't think that happened. My temperature did not go up.
I am trying not to be so sad and disappointed.
So far I am okay.
I am not giving up.
It is so easy for me to slip in depression but today I refuse to.
I decorated my place and put the tree up and watched x-mas movies
all day long.

Temperature Chart

So now that I am measuring my temperature every morning I have my own little temperature chart and I must say I better ovulate tomorrow and have my temperature go way up or it is not gonna look the way it is supposed to.

Sigh

Plus I cannot really tell when I ovulate or maybe I don't know. I do get little sharp pains and cramps but I am not sure if that is it.

So I am trying to stay positive and keep on measuring.

can't relax

I am still kinda stressing.....but I am trying hard to keep it together. Yesterday I received a bill from my clinic. Another thousand bucks and I did not understand the bill. So I called them and made the final decision not to use the donor that we have been waiting for for 6+ months because of CMV that she has. Heck I am spending all this money I want a healthy donor. Plus I told the clinic that I never knew anything about her. Never saw a profile, never saw a picture, never knew nothing because every time I go into the clinic it was all rush rush like assembly line and by the time I was ushered out the door I had a lot of questions. My psychologist suggested for my last visit to make a list. I did and I had like ten questions on there and I never got to ask them cause they called me and called everything of till January. Well now I called it off. So if acupuncture does not get my own eggs working I have to start allover. Which scares the heck outta me.

Needless to say I could not sleep last night, I listened to my guided meditation CD 3 times and just started crying and could not relax. So I turned it off and watched TV for hours until I finally fell asleep.

And today first the first time in all my acupuncture treatments that I did not completely relax and doze off. I felt bad. So I got an extra quick relaxing massage and felt better. But I just feel like every time I cannot relax or sleep I am ready for a panic attack....feels weird....

Tonight I am doing okay....no crying...so I am trying and trying my best. I cannot give up!!!!

Thanks

I wanna say thanks to the people that recently have left me comments....I am glad I am not alone in this....I feel like a black sheep in society (and in my family) sometimes.

So it is great to get supporting and understanding comments. It does make me feel better.

so here is a big hug and big THANKS...I appreciate it so much and wish you all the best of luck.

I am trying my best to make it thru the holidays.

My psychologist gave me books for coping and a CD with guided meditation. So far the CD makes me cry but then relaxes me and lets me take a nap and I feel better afterwards.

It is by Belleruth Naparstek and it is a guided meditation CD to cope with infertility.

It's weird at first and I felt more nutty but it helps me relax, sleep and feel better.

I am even thinking about going home for x-mas. I think my parents and family need me but don't know how to say it.

It would be difficult for me....but I think it would make everyone else happy.

struggling with the holidays

I am struggling....again.......big time
I still love my acupuncture treatments....
but I feel miserable .....I cry all the time ....and I feel like I am going to have a panic attack.
I am taking all these herbal supplements to make me feel better but it is not working anymore
I feel like I am falling into a deep depression.
Is it because of the holidays?
Probably plus I am turning.......oh god I hate to even write it....I am turning the number after 39. I think besides the fact they I am infertile, single, in debt, in a dead-end job, overweight and obviously unhappy right now I am also going to have a midlife crisis over the holidays.
Oh great now I am gonna cry again.
This sucks soooo bad.
I just wanna be normal...with a family and kids....and not a fucked up body.

I am not even sure what is worse spending x-mas alone or with my family that does not know about my adventures in infertility.

gosh I would give so much just to feel OKAY and happy like I did a month ago...and if it is just for a week....

sigh

well no news....
I feel like I am falling back into a hole.
After so many weeks of PMS and cramps and feeling just like hell....
now I am measuring my temperature to see if and when I ovulate since I cannot feel it.
Or not sure if I can.

I feel like I am back to a waiting game....I am getting stressed again.
I am not so relaxed and easy going anymore.
I am scared to be just miserable and bitter and unhappy again.

And christmas coming up is so not helping.....
Great now I am gonna be crying

time to go to bed....hopefully I can sleep.....and then put my smile back in the morning

still going

So I finally started my period ....which helloooo...this was probably the first time in 28 years that I actually was looking forward to this sh..t.
So tomorrow I am gonna start measuring my temperature and then report back to my acupuncturist and we will see what he has to say.
Boy although I have just been thru more than 2 weeks of PMS I must say it went fairly well.
Acupuncture really helped with the symptoms.
Also I did not intake any sugar, sweeteners, candy, raw vegetables, alcohol or salt and that really helped with the symptoms and the bloating.
And of course my acupuncture treatments have made this all a lot easier.
I cannot wait to find out next week how I am doing and what we are gonna do next.
I truly love my acupuncture treatments, they make me feel so much better.

Okay so I came a little of my high from last week.
I have PMS from hell and we are trying ro work on that....which is not easy cause I get it bad.
I feel like I am a race car....I keep having all these pit stops and we do a little tweaking and adjusting
here and there and eventually I am gonna run perfect....haha
I wanna be the cute little red car from CARS...sigh

Anyways so why I am not feeling full of energy and happy go lucky this week I am trying to stay
positive and not fall back into a rut. Which is not easy when you wake up feeling like shit everyday
or with a huge headache or backache. So I am giving me my little early Saturday morning computer
leisure time but eventually I am gonna have to get up and do my chores and later on I wanna do a
little shopping and dinner with a friend.

For the first time in my life I cannot wait to have my period so I can find out how my acupuncture
treatments have been working. I am almost exited...hehe...sick

things going well

things are going well....I love my acupuncture treatments.
I am feeling well....I have a lot of energy and I lost 6 pounds now.
I am liking life again and it is great.
I needed this after a whole year of egg donation drama.
I feel like I am slowly becoming a normal person again.
I am in good spirits and can't wait to see how things go.

loving life right now

Well things are going really well.
I love my acupuncture treatments. I am happy, I have more energy, no hot flashed, no mood swings....and I look better feel better and I lost 5 pounds. I feel like I am getting a mini life make-over.
It is truly awesome.
And even if this does not get my own eggs to work it will still be worth it and I will be more healthy and balanced for another try at egg donation.

I cannot remember the last time I felt this good about myself and my life.
Thanks to whoever the lady was that posted the article about fertility and acupuncture.
I don't even remember what site I read it on.

nothing new

Nothing new.
Still doing acupuncture....waiting for the next period to see how it's working.
I am feeling good though. much better than I used to.
I have so much more energy and I kinda like my life again.

I am so enjoying my acupuncture treatments. That is now my favorite part of the day....relaxing.

Right now I am going three times a week. And I do have less stress. And I am starting to have more energy. And I don't eat as much out of frustration any more

I just feel a lot better all around. It is really nice.It had been so long since I did not always stress and worry about the same thing day in and out. I even went walking once this week and I plan on going tomorrow. And I am thinking about maybe joining a gym.

starting to really love acupuncture

I am really starting love acupuncture. It is so very relaxing.

And I am feeling good. I can slowly feel a lot of stress melt of of me and I have more energy. I had a headache and cramps most of the day today but after my acupuncture appointment I felt good and so full of energy that I went walking. And it was fun and reminded me of the old me. Full of energy walking every day and going out hiking on the weekends. I find myself doing more stuff again and not just sitting on the couch like I used to. It is so great to be away from all the egg donation stress and finally getting my life back and feel energetic and normal and more like me again.

I don't even stress about money that much any more.

And I do have happy days.

I feel good.

loving acupuncture

Wow I really like acupuncture. I had my second appointment today.
It is just so wonderfully relaxing and I really do have more energy.
I feel very good about this.

my first acupuncture treatment

Well I was very excited all week long and not a bit scared until I drove into the parking lot.
LOL
That is when I started getting really nervous. I was sitting in the waiting room and was all nervous.
And after the first 2 needles I started to panic a little and thought I was gonna pass out.
The first two hurt but I think I was just scared and panicked and then I started to relax
and everything was fine.
It was all in all a very relaxing and great experience and I cannot wait for my next one on
Saturday.
I feel so much better this week all this egg donation stress is slowly falling of me.

1st acupuncture appointment tomorrow

Well I am really excited. I have my first acupuncture appointment tomorrow. I am not sure what to expect but i am not really scared not even of the needles. I told my psychologist today of all the new developments.
I am gonna continue seeing her while I am doing acupuncture. I told her I think of both as my new wellness-spa-package that is gonna get me back to who I am, who I was before all this stress and drama in my life.
I need to get relaxed and well and shed quite a few pounds. And if acupuncture and all that is associated with it will also give me functioning eggs again, not just a better functioning body and more energy that would be great if not than I tried anything I could and will have a healthier body for the next round of egg donation stuff.
We shall see......I got nothing to loose only to gain

bad news and good news........maybe a new start...with acupuncture

Well for the second week in a ro, the day before my appointment I get a phone call from my clinic. And I immediately knew it was bad news.........or now good news for me?
Okay lets start from the beginning. So they are saying now the donor cannot be used until January because of the CMT issue or I would risk my baby being sick.
So the good news is after talking to an acupuncturist today that told me I can have a 50/50
chance of having my eggs work again I was not a hundred percent sure any more that I do want to do another cycle of egg donation. So I told my nurse of what I am trying to do now and she completely understood and was very supportive....and f course I would still do the IVF with them if I can get there.
Wow I don't believe in signs but wow.......is this Karma or my chance or what?
I can't help but believing that this is meant to be.
So I will call the office tomorrow and set up my acupuncture appointments.
I have new hope and I feel like a big weight has been lifted of my shoulders.
I have new hope.
Plus i have nothing else to do for the next three months.
Plus acupuncture is gonna regulate my painful periods, give me more energy and make
me love life again.
I am soo excited but also realistic.

anxious about this week

Well I am very anxious about this upcoming week.
Tomorrow I have an appointment for a consultation for acupuncture concerning my own eggs.
I am obsessed with the possibility of my own eggs coming back to life ever since I read this
story on the Internet. Then Tuesday I am supposed to start Lupron and my new cycle and am
not sure now if I still want to.This is all so insane and I have been so stressed and upset and distraught.
I've been mean to people, I am moody, I am short with everyone and I am so self-conscious about my lil
hot flashes I get of and on....I feel like so uncomfortable in my own body. And the more depressed I get
the more I eat and the more shitty I feel about myself......
I just want my normal life back........this is all making me crazy and I don't know how much longer I can
hold it together...........

Acupuncture

Well I made an appointment for a consultation concerning acupuncture and my no good eggs
or as they call it infertility problems.

I am sooooo stressed now I can hardly handle it...what if my eggs could really work again?
And here I am about to start my cycle of shots and meds again.......
Should I tell them I don't wanna do it?
Am I grasping at straws?
Oh my good I am sooo confused now.

My life is a Rollercoaster.....

Just like the next person I love the Internet....where u can get all the information you want and need.......or not.
Well since I every now and then feel all alone in this quest I search the Internet to find more egg recipients and their stories. Mostly I stop searching because I hear these stories where it takes them years to get pregnant.
And then I freak out and get all depressed. But whenever I feel all good about things again I go out searching again. Same as I did tonight. And I found this egg recipient story where this lady had a baby thru egg donation and then heard of/or knew someone that was already in menopause, did acupuncture and got pregnant so she did the same thing and now has her own baby.
So now I am all freaked out...what if I could have my own baby and not spend 20 grand on it?
Is it possible?
Oh my this put me in a total tail spin......what if I am wasting all this money and would not need to?

Wow why can't I be a normal freaking woman?

Today has been a good day

Yes today has actually been a good day. Even though it did not look like it.
As strange as it may sound seeing my psychologist about this whole infertility stress affecting my life is like a shot of espresso. I am all energized afterwards.
Today I had a fairly disappointing day at work and then left early to get to my appointment to find out I had a flat tire....yeah....had to rent a car to keep my appointment. And my intention was to just not worry about my flat today because I was pissed that it happened to me...
BUT then after my appointment feeling all energized I went back home changed outta my work clothes into shorts and tee and went back to my car determined to change my tire....well heck I could not even figure out how to detach my freaking jack outta the dungeon of my trunk....lol
So thank god some guys form work helped me...well they actually did it for me.
So I called my dealership where I bought the car and they said if I could hurry they take me in. I hurried 70 miles an hour on my lil donut tire.....made it there in time and they fixed it for me......and for free.

So instead of giving up and being pissed of I got things taken care of and they turned out good and it was a good day.

So now I feel like I accomplished something today and I feel calmer and I am now counting the days till I get to start my Lupron again next week and go for another cycle and I will be hopeful and I will not think about what could go wrong I will try to dream about what could go right.

Donors see egg donation like giving blood??!??

Today I told my psychologist that this week for the first time I seemed to have been thinking about my egg donor and how she takes time out of her life to give me some eggs.
And I told her how I was thinking the other day how hard that must be and how if that was me that I do not think I could do that and if I did I would think about a part of me being out there for the rest of my life.
Well I was speechless and almost shocked to hear that from her experience counseling and evaluating egg donors that they kinda see it as giving blood and have no real feelings or regrets or anything about it.

WOW WOW and WOW

I was speechless....
She sad a lot of donors already have kids which makes it easier or they work in the medical field and see it as just a donation with no attachment....like I said like giving blood.

She told me most people wouldn't think about it and ponder like I do...she said I would be the worst candidate to give eggs away.

Wow I am still in awe.....baffled.

I guess I would have never guessed that people have no attachment to their eggs.
Remarkable.

I am gonna have to think about this for a few days for sure.

Plans pushed back by a week

Well just as I got off work today I got a call from my egg donation coordinator. They cancelled my appointment for tomorrow. (The one that I lost about a weeks worth of sleep over)

And they made me the same appointment for next week.

Something like the projected transfer week of November 19 works better for the donor.

Well I guess one week does not make much of a difference. I guess I keep forgetting that my eggs actually come from a real person that has a real life that she is putting on hold just like me

and just for me and the other recipient.

I guess that makes me really selfish.....cause this is like the first time that I didn't just think about what all this waiting does to me........wow what must all this do the a person giving her eggs away outta the kindness of her heart to help me and another woman to have what we so badly desire. Yes she does get paid but I do not think that there is many women that can do that JUST for the money. I mean come on she would have to think for the rest of her life that there is two half-of-her-babies out there that she will never get to see.

Wow I must say if I would have perfect eggs I am not sure if I could do that although now I am depending on it....I don't know if that makes me a coward or selfish. But I think I would be very emotional about giving pieces of me away.

But then I guess before I was in this situation I had never even heard about egg donation.

Now that I know how many woman have similar problems I would probably feel different about donating...if I could.

Well here goes another week of sleepless nights in anticipation.

oh and BIG THANKS to my donor ...whoever she is...she is my HERO.

more money

Well today I got a call from the pharmacy. They ordered what ever medication I had missing from the last try and meds for the donor. So here go another $1500 bucks. The owing so much money thing drives me crazy. I should have had a second job over the summer. Or maybe just over Christmas. But then I feel like I should not work a second job when I might be pregnant.
Oh heck I wish I could just win the lottery.
I was having a hard time at work today dealing with people. My mind has not been where it needs to be....apparently I have been in space all day. I missed conversations around me all week and people are telling me I was there and I have no clue. My nerves are stretched to the max. I want this to happen soooo bad.
I don't know what I am going to do if this fails.
I already have a hard time being around pregnant people and I feel like I am starting to hate everyone that has kids especially people that do not treat their kids right.
I feel like I am losing control of my common sense and of being normal.
I don't know.
Next week is gonna be big...a new start with Lupron and the day after I see my psychologist.
Maybe she can talk sense into me.
I have been soooo tired ...this is draining me and I am working so much overtime trying to pay off my never ending debt.

I am still wondering when I am gonna be super excited.
It is kinda sinking in but very slowly. I am already searching ebay for pregnancy yoga tapes and I catch myself browsing for pregnancy fashion and books.
So I have to slow down again and put the brakes on...I promised myself not to buy anything that has the least to do with pregnancy until I am at least 3 months pregnant.
So since I am a few days away from starting lupron shots I need to chill and not go nuts.
Its weird you kinda want to get really excited and go nuts just because you think you could be pregnant in about 4 weeks....and on the other hand I don' t wanna be excited at all in case it is not gonna happen again.

Sounds weird but makes sense in my head.

I wish I would know more people that are going thru this.
I read about a few celebrities with infertility problems....but knowing one or to people around me would feel better....although that makes me sound like I want someone to have problems and I do not.

yes my head is confused and spinning.

Finally we are starting again

Finally good news. We are all cleared for another go.
10 more days of taking birth control.
Next Tuesday I have an Ultrasound and start Lupron shots again.
And if every thing goes well transfer will be in November.
I should be really excited but so far I am cautious...I am afraid to be too giddy about this and then be disappointed.Well I am also very tired today. So maybe once I got a good nights sleep and it sunk in I will probably be feeling different.

antoher week has passed

So another week has passed. It's autumn and it's almost halloween already. And then it's x-mas and then the new year already and then I am gonna be 29 for the 12th time.

No I cannot say or spell the actual number. I would burst into flames....lol

Wow this is surely not how I thought my life would turn out when I was 20 years old. I always saw myself married with kids like all my cousins are. I seem to be the only black sheep. My only marriage failed, I cannot have kids. I guess I am not normal. I feel like I messed up somewhere like I did all this to myself. The longer this whole process takes the more I loose the rest of my self-esteem, my desire to be around people, to leave my four walls. My only joy is cooking and enjoying food. Which of course leaves me with extra pounds and that brings us right back to the self-esteem....it's like a vicious cycle. And in my mind the only thing that fixes Everything is having a child....it's like an obsession. It consumes my sleep, it consumes me at work, it simply takes over my life. I used to be at least content whenever I was not happy. Now I am constantly anxious, mad, sad and very very tired. I shy away from people and hate to be out in public.

It is a strange life and a waiting game. It is tearing on me.......wearing me down.

And tomorrow starts a new week in the calendar. More waiting and more hoping that one day it will be me.

hmmm

Well my psychologist think I should do something this weekend that makes me happy.
Find something to do that I like.
Well that all would involve money and that I am fresh out of since I paid the clinic this summer.
Heck almost every day my head spins at the thought of how much money I owe.
So I am not about to spend any on eating out or a gym or some bull that makes me happy for
20 minutes.

So here I sit on my couch watching TV all day.........yeah

Gee I know what would make me happy that I already spend a shootload of money on.......sigh
I am so sick and tired of not being a normal woman....heck not all the exercise, going out to eat, hiking, relaxing or spending money on clothes or doing something freakin fun can;t make me happy.

Yes I am in a bad mood. I have too much time to mope on the weekends.

the CMV thing

Okay so they took my blood this morn.
And I got to talk to my nurse and finally found out that CMT thing is actually CMV...described like this by webmd:

Cytomegalovirus infection (CMV) is a viral infection that rarely causes obvious illness. The virus that causes CMV is part of the herpes virus family and, like other herpes viruses, may become dormant for a period of time and then be reactivated. CMV affects young children mainly, but it is estimated that by age 30 in the United States, half of all adults are, or have been, infected. The virus can pass from an infected, pregnant mother to her child through the shared blood supply (umbilical cord).Physicians recognize three clinical forms of CMV. These include: (1) CMV inclusion disease of the newborn, which ranges in severity from being without symptoms to being a severe disease affecting the liver, spleen and central nervous system, with possible developmental disabilities; (2) Acute acquired CMV infection, which is similar to infectious mononucleosis and characterized by fever, a feeling of beng not quite right (malaise), skeletal-muscular pain and the absence of a sore throat; (3) CMV in immunocompromised persons (for instance, people who have had organ transplants or who have HIV) with increased risk for difficult eye infections (CMV retinitis), gastrointestinal CMV, and encephalitis

So now they are testing me for that. And Monday we should know if we have a go to start again or if we do some more waiting that I love sooo much.

yes I am being sarcastic.
Sigh

sigh...this drives me soo nuts

So I finally get a phone call from my nurse and she tells me my donor still has CMT or whatever.
And now they want me to come in tomorrow and test me for CMT and then figure out if we just start going.
Wooooow
If this donor that I do not now Shoot about it yet has some disease why do I want her eggs?
And of course I am at work when she calls me and I cannot answer any damn questions with customers
right in front of my nose.
God I am so frustrated.
Thank god I have Fertility clinic appointment and then my psychologist so she can get me back to normal.
And stop me from freaking out.

Sigh........we shall see what this CMT thing is about and if I can find anything out about the donor

waiting again

Well I am back to waiting and waiting for a phone call with good news...wow I feel like they forgot about me....or like they do not care.
I know this is probably stupid but it seems the longer I wait the more doubts I have about me and the whole process.
I keep thinking (once I go overboard in my head) that people don't like me, they don't take me serious, that they take better care of couples.
Just seems all my self doubts stack up and multiply and go haywire.
This is soo much harder than I thought.
I think I am barely gonna make it thru the week and am really looking forward to seeing my psychologist on Friday. Talking to her usually gives my a glimpse of hope and a burst of energy.
But it barely lasts a few days. I just feel like I am slowly slipping and loosing control and let myself believe that I will never find a donor and never will........
Ahhh I don't even wanna write it out.

this is all very depressing.......seems like every one can have a baby but ME.

I pick myself back up every day and keep smiling while I really don't feel like it anymore.
It's stressing me.

So I keep on going and keep on waiting for my call
sigh

another weekend almost over

Well here goes another weekend...I was really to bummed and too tired to do anything.
Hoping for some good news about my donor tomorrow or maybe towards the end of the week.
So we shall see what happens.
I am not giving up yet.

no news

well these people at my clinic seem to think I have nerves of steel............well I freaking don't.
this sucks.......and as I told my psychologist last week I am not sure how much longer I will emotionally and physically be able to do this.......before i loose it...

sigh

yes big sigh.
Guess I got one more day for hopefully some news about the donor.
I am not sure I am prepared to have another donor not come thru...there has been too many.
I mean lets face it this has to work eventually ...right?

good days never last long.........

Well maybe it is Karma.....good days never last long.

Yesterday I found out that a former friend and co-worker of mine is pregnant after lots of drama with fertility drugs........And I could barely keep a straight face and smile to tell the girl that told me how happy I am for the other girl.......

I feel horrible that I can never truly feel happy for people telling me about their good news
because I am sooo angry about not getting any good news myself.
I feel like I am now officially the only person left in the world that cannot get pregnant.

I wish there would be more people online like me.
Just a single woman trying to achieve a dream that comes so easy for most everyone in the world.

Plus today I feel lonely and sooo alone....as good as I felt yesterday about not being with the guy that actually had someone else on the side today I keep stupidly thinking that at least I was not alone.........stupid yes I know.

Well 2 more days till I should hear some more news about my donor....(that I still know nothing about)

SO I keep on smiling and hoping that one day it will be my turn.......

today has been kinda a good day

Today has actually kinda been a good day. I saw my psychologist which made me feel good and gives me just a burst of energy...I went home and cleaned my apartment...its all spiffy clean now before I just did not care all weekend to clean it or how it looks....but once I felt better I cared....then I got a call from my clinic....the donor has a virus or something called CMV or CMT

and she will go in again on Friday and if she produced anti-bodies she is okay.

I had no idea what the heck they where talking about.

sigh

oh and I guy that kinda dumped me for someone else (after I accidentally found out about his other girl-friend) called me today and wanted to buy me a beer.......heck ya I am nosy so I went.

Oh my god I so got the longer end of that stick....after getting outta constant drama with kids

and ex-wife he now has the same drama with the girl-friend and spend the whole 2 hours talking about his problems.....boy did I get outta this one before I got really hurt......and besides my lil fertility problems and set backs....I really have no drama or issues.....I am soooo happy I do not have to listen to his problems any more....he could have been with me... problem free...stress-free but he ended up with a controlling obsessive psycho and seemed miserable....and the icing for me was I gave him the jewelry back that he bought me........now I am free and I drove home with a smile from ear to ear...........wow

1:0 for Savannah

me go girl

I could not stop smiling on my way home........wow I never have break-ups that make me soooo happy.

Ahhh yes I know I am a lil evil but this makes me soooooooooooooo happy and feel so good and glad I got out when I did before I got too attached........

ahhhhhh yes I know i am a lil evil but yes this has been a good day.....

sigh!

Well I am very anxious about tomorrow. My nurse is gonna be back and I will finally find out what is going on and I am scared.
I keep digging thru the Internet in hopes of finding more women like me. That are going thru this and maybe have some more advise or encouragement.....because I am about to throw in the towel and start back over later.....when i am not so frazzled and stressed and burned out any more.

Oh but hey silly me I guess I forgot that I am not getting younger and that I have early ovarian failure and am starting menopause.

Gosh my life SUCKS!

Well lets see what tomorrow brings.
Am gonna paste on my nice fake smile and keep going.

loosing faith

Not sure what to think anymore. Got to wait till Monday to hopefully get a call from my regular nurse. Not knowing what the heck is going on Sucks so big time.
I am discouraged, I'm am anxious, Stressed, more and more angry and another month has passed. I already went thru a whole month of birth control again and have gotten no news as to what is going on with the new donor...heck I don't even know shoooot about her. Don't know if we are still coordinating cycles or if we dumped another egg donor.
I think I am gonna loose it soon.

Monday I will call and find out what the heck is going on.
And then I am gonna go see my psychologist in the afternoon.

God I don't know how much longer I can do this......its insane.
The longer this takes the more frustrated, discouraged and MAD I get.

still waiting...

....for news about my new donor....still don't know if she passed.
My nurse out for a week....nobody else didn't tell me anything new.
This is insane.........
and stressing me badly.

confused

So I called my clinic today to find out what my nurse wanted on Friday.
She is off for a week and nobody knows.
Well this is not exactly helping my slowly fading confidence in the whole
process. Shoot.
How long does it take to coordinate 3 women's freaking cycles.
And I asked the nurse that called me back if there was anything in my
file as to what she might have called me for.....NOTHING
So i guess no bad news is good news?
Heck I am going to be a wreck soon.
How do people go thru this by themselves or even with a partner?

Worried about more bad news

Well I am having a 3 day weekend, hoping to get rid of some of my stress.
My psychologist cancelled on me yesterday right as I drove into the parking lot.
I was a little upset since I already had a bad week but I tried to not let it get to me.
And since I was heading for that appointment I put my phone on silent.
And then of course I forgot to change it. So I missed a phone call from my nurse.
She said to call her. No details........So now I am freaking out that it is more bad news.
I don't even wanna think about it what I am going to do if this donor does not happen
either. I am not sure how much more of this I can handle. I am about ready to give up.
I am ready to just get out of my job, the city and maybe the country...
I am so distraught with this whole progress.
I am broke as a church mouse, afraid to spend any money and so far in debt and got
absolutely nothing to show for.

This is soooooo difficult.

Well we shall see what the news are on Monday.

hmmmm!

How weird!

I called into work today because being so upset yesterday about work gave me a serious headache and my stomach is all upset.

But anyway so once I felt a little better I started watching a little TV. And I found and egg donation story line on "As the world turns". It kinda helps to think I am not the only one, but heck its fiction. So no it really doesn't.

But in a way it is nice to see that people think about me and others having this problem and integrate it into stories that are being shown on TV. It does kinda feel good.

But I still feel I am the only one in the world. And that I did something wrong in my life to deserve this. I have doubts about this lately and about everything else in my life.

I am not sure if I have ever been this unhappy. I feel like I am at a dead end and do not know how to continue from here......with the rest of my life.

Heck all I ever wanted was a man that loves me, kids and a house........and to be happy or at least content.

Ahhhh....crap I hate feeling depressed.

So here I go putting my smile back on and keep on trucking.........

Bad day

Bad day.....hate work
i don't know if I am more stressed because of all the waiting
or my job is really that bad.

At least I finally had a good cry...which i think I need with all this
donor stuff not going well so far this year.

I told my psychologist that I felt like I should have had a mini nervous
breakdown after my last donor fell thru.
She thought that I maybe just learned to cope an accept.
well I guess I am not accepting work so far.......or the bull going on there
and managers keeping a blind eye.....but one customer complains about me
and i get docked money........while others cheat to make money.
Ahhhh I better stop I had finally calmed down, and all without the help of chocolate
or comfort food.

well I keep on waiting for the good news of donor ready.

hanging in there

So I got another call from my nurse today.
She said that the new donor has to go thru 2 more tests and then
we are good to go.
Wow it seems to take sooo long.
I feel like giving up and getting my money back...pay of debt.
This waiting gives me too much time to think. I worry, I have doubts and
I am just all freaking out.
This weekend I decided to make some changes.
No more decaf coffee, only decaf tea, juice and water.
And more healthy food like lotsa cereal, fruits, veggies, nuts and dairy.
Lets face it all the stress and all the chocolate and cakes I have been
consuming make me look pregnant before I can even get there.
Sigh.
So more healthier eating like I used to.
And at least 30 minutes of some form of exercise every day.
So far I hadn't been worried about the future...what when I have a baby or babies.
I just figured it will all be okay.
No I am worried.......about the cost of raising a child or more.

Am I just so stressed with waiting that I am going a lil cuckoo?

I think so.....sigh

not much new

So I went to my psychologist again today...
I feel so much better afterwards.
Seems strange how talking to a professionl helps versus talking to
regular people. Guess I am always afraid of being judged or getting
negative comments on what I am doing.
So blogging and talking to my psychologist feels so much better.
I leave the office with a much lighter heart and a smile on my face.
And I just feel like my batteries have been recharged to face my daily
live again.
Sigh.

Still no further news from my fertility clinic. But I am learning to be more
patient.
And I am so excited.

Oh and I watched part of OPRAH today and saw this couple that has a website
that loans out money to people allover the world. And as little as 25 bucks can
help someone in another country start a business. And then eventually they pay
ya back.

Wow I thought that was soooo cool!

this is the website

www.kiva.org

still waiting

Well I am still waiting.
Everybody's cycle has to be coordinated.
The donor and me and the other recipient.
And then we start over.
Right now I am not to stressed with the waiting.
I am getting a lot of stuff around the house done to keep busy.
Will be seeing my psychologist again on Wednesday and am really
looking forward to it.
So that is it for now.

JUST WAITING

AND
WAITING

I HATE WAITING

sigh

feeling bad

Wow I don't know if it is all the different hormones that I have been on lately but I am fixing to have my period. And I have everything wrong with me.....migraine , nausea, back ache, upset stomach and u name it I got it.
My weekend was supposed to me for cleaning, shopping and relaxing. And now I can barely function. Right now I am ok........but that usually only lasts about an hour.
Well this bites but I am hanging in there.
After all this is gonna be a new start for round 2.

New donor perfect

My nurse called said the new donor is perfect for me.

As I was telling my psychologist today I am not even picky any more like I was at the beginning of my journey.

Lets face it the kid is not gonna look like me regardless. But it will still be my child and have all MY flaws and MY little weird thing that make me what is ME.

Smile

My first psychologist visit

Okay so today I had my first visit with my psychologist.
Wow it felt so good to talk to someone that actually listens to ya.
Just to talk about everything that is going on in life right now.
I know this sounds stupid but I felt soo much better afterwards.
I walked to my car with a smile.
Then I went home and started cleaning because I felt I had some spunk
and energy.
And then I got some good news about my apartment.
So today has been a good day.

yoga

My every day yoga thing is on hold because I had a mini flood in my living room....but as soon as everything is dried up and patched up ....I will be back to doing some form of exercise every day.

I have to.........

I wanna be healthy and fit........too much stuff had happened and I got lazy and fat.
I wanna be healthy for when I get pregnant.

sigh........once that happens

new donor

Good News

My nurse/coordinator called me yesterday. We have another donor and another recipient willing to share the donor. So now the donor has to get an ultrasound and get checked out and then do a psych. evaluation. And then we start allover.....

At this point I get less picky about the donor......did not even ask hair color anything. I just said okay. My first few picks I studied the profiles and wanted to make sure they are perfect and maybe look like me but now I would just like to have a baby...and soooooon.

Tired of waiting...

And on the egg donation project....

I need to call the clinic....see if they have any more donors.

I am supposed to call once I start my period (yeah!)

Last time I waited months till they had more donors.

Well I just need to learn patience.

This will give me time to move, settle in.

Get a part time job, pay off my credit cards I charged up for this whole project.

So I am trying to see the positive in all going wrong these day.

Well things in life are not getting better...so I was all proud of myself about sticking with my yoga and improving my life and now other things go wrong.
Today my place got flooded........too much rain.
Now I have to move like I had money to spare.
I NEED A BREAK.
Something good should happen to me..........or a little good! PLEASE

well fresh place, fresh start maybe that will be good.

okay I decided to use my waiting time to work on my mind, body and soul.

I decided to start yoga again. It is gonna help me to shed some pounds, feel better about myself and hopefully sleep better too.

Day two, so far so good. But yoga was much easier when I was 30 lbs lighter. LOL

Okay so I made my first appointment with my psychologist......hmmm............I feel more of a freak than ever.

I wish I could just be a normal functioning woman.

So today I start a new prescription to start my period.

Am back down to one Estrogen patch.

I am still sad and could barely hold it together at work today.

There is pregnant people or woman with 1-5 kids everywhere.

And I get soooo angry.

I decided my so called support people are not really there for

me and I am going to see I psychologist. To help me cope and

keep focused and sane. I read on several sites that they recommend

that when you go thru fertility treatments because it can be very stressful.

Plus lets face it I probably have a few other issues that need tending......LOL

Yes I can still laugh

More bad news

Well I got another call from yet another nurse form my clinic today.
She confirmed yet again that the donor does not have enough eggs and is out for me.
And possibly for the other couple too.

And there is no other donors that can share because they are going thru a donor agency
and not the clinic.
AND there is no other donors right now.
So I am back to the beginning....3 steps forward 6 back.......

Now I have to think about if I will just wait or get my own donor which will at least
double the cost.

I am sooo tired........so frustrated and so depressed.
I am even thinking about going to see the Psychiatrist that the clinic had me go see for
an initial evaluation. I just feel so overwhelmed with this waiting for a donor game, work, being alone in this and in life......wow just everything.
And I am taking this all fairly calmly and that has me worried even more.
I think I am gonna explode with stored up emotions one of these days and go off one someone.

I just feel hopeless. And all I want is just to have a baby.

hanging in there

So I had 3 beers last night...well not a good idea.

Apparently it does collide with my 4 Estrogen patches.

Even though they said it does not matter.

I got really sick.

Well that is it....no alcohol and no caffeine and no sodas.

No matter what.

It did me good though to just go out and be around people.

I would have fallen apart if I would have stayed home.

Well tomorrow my nurse is supposed to call me and I will

just have to wait and see.

It's gonna happen one day......I must believe in that.

So here I am just gonna put my smile on and keep on trucking.

Well I got my call from the clinic today....the donor does not have enough eggs to share......just my luck.

this is like the 3rd donor I had my heart set on and then it did not happen.

Well I never got this far though.

I am of course very disappointed.....this is all so frustrating and I am soo afraid to start all over....I already charged up my credit cards.

I am soo scared and soo disappointed. What if this is never going to happen?

I am trying not to cry. I am trying to be positive , I am trying to be brave.

Hey but the "good" news is...I can drink alcohol..........so I am gonna be incredibly immature today and get drunk tonight. Then I will go home alone and cry myself to sleep.

And tomorrow I will start over.

Monday my egg donation coordinator will call me.........to see if anyone wants to share their donors eggs at this point since my body is all ready to go.

THIS SUCKS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ultrasound & Estrogen level & cyst

Today I had another ultrasound....I have a 16mm cyst.
That does generally not concern me because I have had them off and on for over 10 years.
But my nurse seemed concerned. I would guess a cyst is not good when you are trying to
carry a baby eventually.
My Estrogen Level is great.
But ....yes there is always a BUT
Tomorrow I will find out if my donor has enough eggs to split between me and the other
egg recipient. Yes I am sharing a donor.
And if she does not have enough eggs the primary which is not me will receive the eggs.
And me?
They may ask another donor and recipients that are at the same stage if they wanna share.
So that sucks.....
And I find myself unsure why the heck I am not the primary?!?!?

I am not ready for bad news tomorrow.

I wish I would not have to do this alone.

Today has been a bad day for me.

It seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant no matter if they want to or not.

Me ........I really want to.

It is so hard to tell someone congratulations when they do not know what you are going thru and to just stand there and smile. And then everyone talking about it. My insides are crying and I am jealous or upset or I don't know what. And outside I am bravely smiling. Today would have been a day where I would have loved to get drunk. Just to shut out my world for a while. But needless to say that would not be a good idea with all the Estrogen patches. Plus I am living healthy because I wanna get pregnant. Plus I am a grown up and I can handle problems.

Or can I?

well tomorrow is gonna be another day.........and one STEP closer.

I just got to believe in it.

great site for questions

http://www.fertilitylifelines.com

this is one site that answered a lot of questions for me so I don't have to bother my clinic nurse all the time...

Still waiting......

this is nothing for impatient people.

Wow how impatient am I gonna be if I do get pregnant and then I will have to wait 9 months to see what my baby will look like.

How how do pregnant women stand to wait that long?

hmmmm

...up to 4 patches

So as of tonight I am up to 4 patches.

And so far so good....

The waiting is driving me crazy, it gives me too much time to think.

And all that hormone stuff is making me a little nuts.

Last week I felt ugly and old.

This week I feel lonely and wish I would have a man.

Sigh.

And I seem to just analyze my whole life and where I went wrong.

Would I have been able to get pregnant 10 years ago. Or was I never able?

I just feel like I did something to screw up a lot of relationships and maybe screwed up my

chances to have children with my own eggs.

Other than that I have been eating healthy and taking all my vitamins.

So I am willing myself to be calm and wait patiently.

I am scared !!!

I am scared of the future.

I have so many questions.

Can I do this by myself?

What if my child has to grow up without a dad?

Oh and by the way my parents do not know about this yet. They live far away and I was not sure how they are gonna react so I have not told them. I don't know how they would feel that I have a child with someone else's eggs.

So I decided I am going to tell them when I am pregnant. And then slowly ease into the details.

I guess I was afraid that they thought what I am doing is wrong, that I should not spend this kinda money and just accept the fact that I cannot have kids......I think I just don't want anybody talking me out of it. I told three people. One a potential donor....which did not want to be one and he is not very supportive at all. One a female friend that I can talk to about this.

One a guy that seemed to be interested in me and had an ear for my plans but then turned out to be about to be divorced and having a girl friend while chasing me....and once I kinda started liking him I found out he is seeing someone else.......it was very hart to not let that get to me because somewhere deep down I was hoping to have some male support while I was pregnant someone to hug me and hold me....

But then reality kicked it and now it is back to me!
Hey what ever doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger, right?
Well lets hope so.

So here I go back to smiling and keep on going!