So another week has passed. It's autumn and it's almost halloween already. And then it's x-mas and then the new year already and then I am gonna be 29 for the 12th time.
No I cannot say or spell the actual number. I would burst into flames....lol
Wow this is surely not how I thought my life would turn out when I was 20 years old. I always saw myself married with kids like all my cousins are. I seem to be the only black sheep. My only marriage failed, I cannot have kids. I guess I am not normal. I feel like I messed up somewhere like I did all this to myself. The longer this whole process takes the more I loose the rest of my self-esteem, my desire to be around people, to leave my four walls. My only joy is cooking and enjoying food. Which of course leaves me with extra pounds and that brings us right back to the self-esteem....it's like a vicious cycle. And in my mind the only thing that fixes Everything is having a child....it's like an obsession. It consumes my sleep, it consumes me at work, it simply takes over my life. I used to be at least content whenever I was not happy. Now I am constantly anxious, mad, sad and very very tired. I shy away from people and hate to be out in public.
It is a strange life and a waiting game. It is tearing on me.......wearing me down.
And tomorrow starts a new week in the calendar. More waiting and more hoping that one day it will be me.
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