so maybe I did not ovulate...sigh

Well today entered my temperatures for the last two days in my temp. chart and yesterday my temperature was too low and then high again today...so now my chart shows I did not ovulate.....well damned.

Plus when it said I ovulated I did not feel anything...but yesterday and today I felt some tweaking so I am not sure what's going on....sigh

but heck I will ovulate I don't care when.

Positive!!!! is my motto and I try to hold on to it! SMILE

I am mostly a veteran Barbie....lol

Many thanks to the comments I get.
I used to think I am the only one, so much felt like a freak of nature. Is it me or have there been more pregnant people in 2007 then ever before. Hell they are everywhere. When someone at work announced they are pregnant I kept "this smile" pasted to my face until it hurt and then went to the bathroom to have a mini nervous breakdown, but not enough so that people could not tell.
Heck I felt like I lost the ability of being happy for people I just hated them. Hey and then there were a few celebs my age like Jennifer Lopez or Halle Berry that did not have kids yet.
Now these traders are pregnant too....lol

I have gotten a little better ....I do not hate all pregnant people any more.....sigh
I am happy for them.......but a little sad always.
I always feel like I am gonna be the only one left.
So all the comments or references to other sites I get do help. This blog...just writing about it has helped and if it just helps one other person to not feel like a freak or "The only One" then I feel good.

So here is a site that was suggested to me. THANKS Anonymous!!!! I love it.
Boy that lady went thru a looooooooooooooooong time of trying....holy crab!!!
Makes me depressed...sigh


http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/2004/05/ivf_barbie.html


So I am a veteran Barbie. But I refuse to ever have gray hair....and although I have put on some weight I will not do the stretch pants.

Yeah I have my ups and downs but I have a few perky girly moments left...hehe

Oh and Anonymous don't give up.....we gotta think positive!!!! Even if it hurts...hehehe

Apparently,according to my acupuncturist, our brains are smarter than we are. If we think negative our brain picks that up and runs with it. Yesterday he explained to me that when I have a headache and think : Oh shit this really sucks I hate my headache, that makes your brain pick up only the negatives and that makes it worse.
Well holy crab I have been giving myself headaches and migraines for over 20 years. LOL
So he showed me several points to tap in my face and then I have to say that I do accept my headache and don't say anything negative. So I tried it yesterday and it worked....genius.
I feel like I gained a life couch too.

So since I am a Capricorn I am unfortunately a pessimist....but hey I am teaching this ol' dog new tricks....So I am trying to be all positive and if it kills me....hehe

Also what I have found helpful in my struggles is Guided Imagery that my psychiatrist suggested. Sometimes they make me cry but mostly they make be better.
They are by Belleruth Naparstek

http://www.healthjourneys.com/

There is one CD series for coping with infertility. It is very calming although I have issues with relaxing...
Next I wanna get the one for sleep...need that one.

Also what I try to do positive for me is instead of just paying of my fertility bills .....I now also treat myself every now and then with a manicure or pedicure...going shopping for some cute top to make me feel like the woman I still am...although I don't feel it all the time.

So I am trying and like I said before I am stronger than I thought I was.

I ROCK....lol

yeah I ovulated today

My fertility chart says that I ovulated. And my temperature stayed above the line for 3 days.

This is so great. And I am feeling well. Acupuncture has helped me so much in my life.
I have more energy...not all the time but I have good or great days.
I used to have headaches 3-4 times a week because of stress and now I have them every few months. And I have not had a migraine since I started treatments.
All I need to do now is get my sleeping under control...right now it takes me hours to fall asleep.
So hopefully that will be the next step.

Things are good.

my plans for this year

My plans for this year are still getting pregnant.
For now the acupuncture thing is working. I had not produced cervical fluids before ovulation in a while ( and I feel like a complete idiot for never noticing) and now I am....boy was I excited...(stupid I know)
So now I know this is working. I also feel like a woman again. Very nice.
All in all I am very confident in the acupuncture treatments.
Next is ...ovulation...then I will go back to my fertility center and have them run tests to see if my eggs are working and then ....I would try to get pregnant on my own with my own eggs..
I think realistically I would try that 2-3 times....and then go back to egg donation.
At least I would know that I tried my best with my own good ol eggs.
I just could not go on with egg donation w/o trying this out first.
We shall see....what happens.
I will be writing about it

sigh....

Today I have a headache....and since I have been doing acupuncture I do not have headaches anymore...(I used to have one 4 days a week)
This is my first one in months and I think I am being a baby...but It never went away not even with IB-profin....sigh
Well the good news is that there will be another day tomorrow and I probably will not have a headache..........yeah

I recently browsed some blogs and found several where people take a new picture every day or post an old one. So I decided that that is an awesome idea and started another blog doing just that. To me it is kinda a commitment to doing something and it is kinda a positive thing to do so I wanted to try it and hopefully stick with it.

sigh

Although I have not ovulated yet, I feel positive.
I still feel different and it is nice.
I feel like a teenager that just discovered boys. In my job I see a lot of people every day.
And for the past year I barely noticed if a guy was cute or did not care at all.
My co-worker had to nudge me to take a second look. Now all of a sudden I have a little
radar and see cute guys everywhere. And I smile and I flirt. Gosh I missed this.
Feeling good and feeling like a woman and flirting....sigh
Yes I know I sound like an idiot but that is really who it is.
Very strange.

Heck I am almost kinda happy!!!

I am excited!!

Well things are happening now...my fertility temperature chart is looking better and I can feel my body changing.....it is weird and I cannot explain it.
BUT I just know I am gonna ovulate this month.....I have so much hope now and I am not afraid to hope and I refuse to think negative...

yes I am excited....Today for the first time in a long time I feel like a woman....
not like a broken has-been woman....
heck I may even flirt with a guy tomorrow.....grin

With all my female faults I have just felt broken and damaged and now I feel like a woman again as stupid as this may sound.

Well we shall see.

I feel better and stronger then I have in a long time.

I have been thinking about getting a new tattoo. A Chinese symbol for strength
because I sure have more than I ever thought I would.

I am actually proud of myself. YES I AM

.

feeling bummed today

don't know what's wrong with me today...I don't feel like getting out of my pyjamas, haven't washed my face or brushed my teeth.....laid in bed till 11am now I have been sitting on the couch all day watching the Hallmark channel and goofing of on the computer.
Usually I go to lunch with a friend and a little window shopping....she has not called me back so I feel like I have no reason to get up.
Too lazy to do laundry, to lazy to do anything at all.
This sucks.
Not sure what the heck is with me today.
jeeeez

hmmmmm

Well I am not feeling so cheery!
I am always tired, I am struggling with exercising.
And I am still eating healthy but I gained weight after my PMS/Period time.
Weird.
ahhh well few pounds up or down....does not make much difference.
I can't seem to loose more than 5 lbs any more.

Well I got an acupuncture appointment tomorrow so we will have to tweak
this weeks issues....lol

Heck I am soooo tired today....its 8pm and I am going to bed to read or watch
a movie.

My birthday was good

My birthday was good.

I spent half the day at the spa. Yes I splurged on me....for once.

I ate at my favorite restaurant and had drinks with a friend.

So it went well.

I am finally over another round of PMS and cramps from hell.

Thank goodness I was not on overtime so I did not have to suck it up

and go to work, I just stayed home. It was such a relief since nobody at

work ever cuts me any slack if I am not feeling well.

Well for once I was selfish and took care of myself and did not care who

I leave struggling at work, nobody worries about me when I am there and

am cpmpletely miserable and can barely stand straight.

No more of that when I am not on overtime.

I cannot always worry about others...I need to be more selfish.

Lol

Today I am slowly gonna do some chores and then hopefully grab some

lunch with a friend.

So life is going okay.

Happy New Year

So her I am waiting for 2008.

And I am soo tired because I have not been sleeping well the past two nights.

But hey I can sleep when I am 80.

This is the first time in 10 years that I will spend New Years Eve by myself.

And I thought it would depress me...plus I have PMS

BUT

no I am okay....I am in a very good mood today. Enjoyed my relaxing acupuncture treatment and decided not to do anything tonight. Got me a small bottle of champagne

and am gonna have one or two glasses.

And I am not gonna make any new years resolutions like I do every year.

Hey I survived 1 year and 4 months of infertility drama, I survived my first Christmas in 10 years by myself.

And I am not miserable.....I AM JUST FINE...

And the other day while driving (that is when I do all my thinking) I thought how truly well I am doing and how strong I am. I had underestimated myself. I must say I am actually impressed with myself. I am dealing, I am coping and I am really doing fine.

I Thought I was gonna crumble and crash over Christmas.

But I did more than okay.

I can do this .....AND I AM NOT GIVING UP.

I am gonna enter into a new year with new hopes and new dreams. I am gonna have a life again, I am not gonna put my life on hold....I am gonna lead a normal life.

or at least I am gonna try my hardest.

I am gonna be okay....and today I felt almost happy for a while.

I am good....I am okay.

Happy New Year!!!!

doing good

So I am doing good....except for PMS.
I survived Christmas w/o crying.
And I am gonna survive my b-day too.
I scheduled a few treatments at a spa and I am really looking forward to it.
It is gonna be great.

Other than that I am still taking all my Chinese herbs, doing acupuncture and
keep measuring my temperature.

I have great hopes and try not to dwell on my future.


oh and this is really need for tracking temperature

www.fertilityfriendonline.com

Christmas was not bad

Well Christmas was not soo bad.
I was really worried....but turns out I am stronger than I thought I was.
I had a nice Christmas Eve and worked all day Christmas Day.
So I did good. And now everything is back to normal and I just have
to survive my b-day.

Acupuncture is going well.....my ovulation chart is still a little crazy
but we will see more after my next period.
Crazy but I am looking forward to those now.....sick
I almost done have any PMS systems this month thanks to acupuncture.

So all in all things are going well.

hanging in there

So I am trying to survive Christmas by myself...still w/o a child.
My Basal Temp. Chart is outta whack.
But my acupuncturist does not seem concerned yet.
So I keep on going.....lets face it I am gonna have a baby one way or another
before I am stone age old...haha

Sigh

Well according to charts that I looked at I should have ovulated yesterday.
Don't think that happened. My temperature did not go up.
I am trying not to be so sad and disappointed.
So far I am okay.
I am not giving up.
It is so easy for me to slip in depression but today I refuse to.
I decorated my place and put the tree up and watched x-mas movies
all day long.

Temperature Chart

So now that I am measuring my temperature every morning I have my own little temperature chart and I must say I better ovulate tomorrow and have my temperature go way up or it is not gonna look the way it is supposed to.

Sigh

Plus I cannot really tell when I ovulate or maybe I don't know. I do get little sharp pains and cramps but I am not sure if that is it.

So I am trying to stay positive and keep on measuring.

can't relax

I am still kinda stressing.....but I am trying hard to keep it together. Yesterday I received a bill from my clinic. Another thousand bucks and I did not understand the bill. So I called them and made the final decision not to use the donor that we have been waiting for for 6+ months because of CMV that she has. Heck I am spending all this money I want a healthy donor. Plus I told the clinic that I never knew anything about her. Never saw a profile, never saw a picture, never knew nothing because every time I go into the clinic it was all rush rush like assembly line and by the time I was ushered out the door I had a lot of questions. My psychologist suggested for my last visit to make a list. I did and I had like ten questions on there and I never got to ask them cause they called me and called everything of till January. Well now I called it off. So if acupuncture does not get my own eggs working I have to start allover. Which scares the heck outta me.

Needless to say I could not sleep last night, I listened to my guided meditation CD 3 times and just started crying and could not relax. So I turned it off and watched TV for hours until I finally fell asleep.

And today first the first time in all my acupuncture treatments that I did not completely relax and doze off. I felt bad. So I got an extra quick relaxing massage and felt better. But I just feel like every time I cannot relax or sleep I am ready for a panic attack....feels weird....

Tonight I am doing okay....no crying...so I am trying and trying my best. I cannot give up!!!!

Thanks

I wanna say thanks to the people that recently have left me comments....I am glad I am not alone in this....I feel like a black sheep in society (and in my family) sometimes.

So it is great to get supporting and understanding comments. It does make me feel better.

so here is a big hug and big THANKS...I appreciate it so much and wish you all the best of luck.

I am trying my best to make it thru the holidays.

My psychologist gave me books for coping and a CD with guided meditation. So far the CD makes me cry but then relaxes me and lets me take a nap and I feel better afterwards.

It is by Belleruth Naparstek and it is a guided meditation CD to cope with infertility.

It's weird at first and I felt more nutty but it helps me relax, sleep and feel better.

I am even thinking about going home for x-mas. I think my parents and family need me but don't know how to say it.

It would be difficult for me....but I think it would make everyone else happy.

struggling with the holidays

I am struggling....again.......big time
I still love my acupuncture treatments....
but I feel miserable .....I cry all the time ....and I feel like I am going to have a panic attack.
I am taking all these herbal supplements to make me feel better but it is not working anymore
I feel like I am falling into a deep depression.
Is it because of the holidays?
Probably plus I am turning.......oh god I hate to even write it....I am turning the number after 39. I think besides the fact they I am infertile, single, in debt, in a dead-end job, overweight and obviously unhappy right now I am also going to have a midlife crisis over the holidays.
Oh great now I am gonna cry again.
This sucks soooo bad.
I just wanna be normal...with a family and kids....and not a fucked up body.

I am not even sure what is worse spending x-mas alone or with my family that does not know about my adventures in infertility.

gosh I would give so much just to feel OKAY and happy like I did a month ago...and if it is just for a week....

sigh

well no news....
I feel like I am falling back into a hole.
After so many weeks of PMS and cramps and feeling just like hell....
now I am measuring my temperature to see if and when I ovulate since I cannot feel it.
Or not sure if I can.

I feel like I am back to a waiting game....I am getting stressed again.
I am not so relaxed and easy going anymore.
I am scared to be just miserable and bitter and unhappy again.

And christmas coming up is so not helping.....
Great now I am gonna be crying

time to go to bed....hopefully I can sleep.....and then put my smile back in the morning