Happy New Year

So her I am waiting for 2008.

And I am soo tired because I have not been sleeping well the past two nights.

But hey I can sleep when I am 80.

This is the first time in 10 years that I will spend New Years Eve by myself.

And I thought it would depress me...plus I have PMS

BUT

no I am okay....I am in a very good mood today. Enjoyed my relaxing acupuncture treatment and decided not to do anything tonight. Got me a small bottle of champagne

and am gonna have one or two glasses.

And I am not gonna make any new years resolutions like I do every year.

Hey I survived 1 year and 4 months of infertility drama, I survived my first Christmas in 10 years by myself.

And I am not miserable.....I AM JUST FINE...

And the other day while driving (that is when I do all my thinking) I thought how truly well I am doing and how strong I am. I had underestimated myself. I must say I am actually impressed with myself. I am dealing, I am coping and I am really doing fine.

I Thought I was gonna crumble and crash over Christmas.

But I did more than okay.

I can do this .....AND I AM NOT GIVING UP.

I am gonna enter into a new year with new hopes and new dreams. I am gonna have a life again, I am not gonna put my life on hold....I am gonna lead a normal life.

or at least I am gonna try my hardest.

I am gonna be okay....and today I felt almost happy for a while.

I am good....I am okay.

Happy New Year!!!!

doing good

So I am doing good....except for PMS.
I survived Christmas w/o crying.
And I am gonna survive my b-day too.
I scheduled a few treatments at a spa and I am really looking forward to it.
It is gonna be great.

Other than that I am still taking all my Chinese herbs, doing acupuncture and
keep measuring my temperature.

I have great hopes and try not to dwell on my future.


oh and this is really need for tracking temperature

www.fertilityfriendonline.com

Christmas was not bad

Well Christmas was not soo bad.
I was really worried....but turns out I am stronger than I thought I was.
I had a nice Christmas Eve and worked all day Christmas Day.
So I did good. And now everything is back to normal and I just have
to survive my b-day.

Acupuncture is going well.....my ovulation chart is still a little crazy
but we will see more after my next period.
Crazy but I am looking forward to those now.....sick
I almost done have any PMS systems this month thanks to acupuncture.

So all in all things are going well.

hanging in there

So I am trying to survive Christmas by myself...still w/o a child.
My Basal Temp. Chart is outta whack.
But my acupuncturist does not seem concerned yet.
So I keep on going.....lets face it I am gonna have a baby one way or another
before I am stone age old...haha

Sigh

Well according to charts that I looked at I should have ovulated yesterday.
Don't think that happened. My temperature did not go up.
I am trying not to be so sad and disappointed.
So far I am okay.
I am not giving up.
It is so easy for me to slip in depression but today I refuse to.
I decorated my place and put the tree up and watched x-mas movies
all day long.

Temperature Chart

So now that I am measuring my temperature every morning I have my own little temperature chart and I must say I better ovulate tomorrow and have my temperature go way up or it is not gonna look the way it is supposed to.

Sigh

Plus I cannot really tell when I ovulate or maybe I don't know. I do get little sharp pains and cramps but I am not sure if that is it.

So I am trying to stay positive and keep on measuring.

can't relax

I am still kinda stressing.....but I am trying hard to keep it together. Yesterday I received a bill from my clinic. Another thousand bucks and I did not understand the bill. So I called them and made the final decision not to use the donor that we have been waiting for for 6+ months because of CMV that she has. Heck I am spending all this money I want a healthy donor. Plus I told the clinic that I never knew anything about her. Never saw a profile, never saw a picture, never knew nothing because every time I go into the clinic it was all rush rush like assembly line and by the time I was ushered out the door I had a lot of questions. My psychologist suggested for my last visit to make a list. I did and I had like ten questions on there and I never got to ask them cause they called me and called everything of till January. Well now I called it off. So if acupuncture does not get my own eggs working I have to start allover. Which scares the heck outta me.

Needless to say I could not sleep last night, I listened to my guided meditation CD 3 times and just started crying and could not relax. So I turned it off and watched TV for hours until I finally fell asleep.

And today first the first time in all my acupuncture treatments that I did not completely relax and doze off. I felt bad. So I got an extra quick relaxing massage and felt better. But I just feel like every time I cannot relax or sleep I am ready for a panic attack....feels weird....

Tonight I am doing okay....no crying...so I am trying and trying my best. I cannot give up!!!!

Thanks

I wanna say thanks to the people that recently have left me comments....I am glad I am not alone in this....I feel like a black sheep in society (and in my family) sometimes.

So it is great to get supporting and understanding comments. It does make me feel better.

so here is a big hug and big THANKS...I appreciate it so much and wish you all the best of luck.

I am trying my best to make it thru the holidays.

My psychologist gave me books for coping and a CD with guided meditation. So far the CD makes me cry but then relaxes me and lets me take a nap and I feel better afterwards.

It is by Belleruth Naparstek and it is a guided meditation CD to cope with infertility.

It's weird at first and I felt more nutty but it helps me relax, sleep and feel better.

I am even thinking about going home for x-mas. I think my parents and family need me but don't know how to say it.

It would be difficult for me....but I think it would make everyone else happy.

struggling with the holidays

I am struggling....again.......big time
I still love my acupuncture treatments....
but I feel miserable .....I cry all the time ....and I feel like I am going to have a panic attack.
I am taking all these herbal supplements to make me feel better but it is not working anymore
I feel like I am falling into a deep depression.
Is it because of the holidays?
Probably plus I am turning.......oh god I hate to even write it....I am turning the number after 39. I think besides the fact they I am infertile, single, in debt, in a dead-end job, overweight and obviously unhappy right now I am also going to have a midlife crisis over the holidays.
Oh great now I am gonna cry again.
This sucks soooo bad.
I just wanna be normal...with a family and kids....and not a fucked up body.

I am not even sure what is worse spending x-mas alone or with my family that does not know about my adventures in infertility.

gosh I would give so much just to feel OKAY and happy like I did a month ago...and if it is just for a week....

sigh

well no news....
I feel like I am falling back into a hole.
After so many weeks of PMS and cramps and feeling just like hell....
now I am measuring my temperature to see if and when I ovulate since I cannot feel it.
Or not sure if I can.

I feel like I am back to a waiting game....I am getting stressed again.
I am not so relaxed and easy going anymore.
I am scared to be just miserable and bitter and unhappy again.

And christmas coming up is so not helping.....
Great now I am gonna be crying

time to go to bed....hopefully I can sleep.....and then put my smile back in the morning

still going

So I finally started my period ....which helloooo...this was probably the first time in 28 years that I actually was looking forward to this sh..t.
So tomorrow I am gonna start measuring my temperature and then report back to my acupuncturist and we will see what he has to say.
Boy although I have just been thru more than 2 weeks of PMS I must say it went fairly well.
Acupuncture really helped with the symptoms.
Also I did not intake any sugar, sweeteners, candy, raw vegetables, alcohol or salt and that really helped with the symptoms and the bloating.
And of course my acupuncture treatments have made this all a lot easier.
I cannot wait to find out next week how I am doing and what we are gonna do next.
I truly love my acupuncture treatments, they make me feel so much better.

Okay so I came a little of my high from last week.
I have PMS from hell and we are trying ro work on that....which is not easy cause I get it bad.
I feel like I am a race car....I keep having all these pit stops and we do a little tweaking and adjusting
here and there and eventually I am gonna run perfect....haha
I wanna be the cute little red car from CARS...sigh

Anyways so why I am not feeling full of energy and happy go lucky this week I am trying to stay
positive and not fall back into a rut. Which is not easy when you wake up feeling like shit everyday
or with a huge headache or backache. So I am giving me my little early Saturday morning computer
leisure time but eventually I am gonna have to get up and do my chores and later on I wanna do a
little shopping and dinner with a friend.

For the first time in my life I cannot wait to have my period so I can find out how my acupuncture
treatments have been working. I am almost exited...hehe...sick

things going well

things are going well....I love my acupuncture treatments.
I am feeling well....I have a lot of energy and I lost 6 pounds now.
I am liking life again and it is great.
I needed this after a whole year of egg donation drama.
I feel like I am slowly becoming a normal person again.
I am in good spirits and can't wait to see how things go.

loving life right now

Well things are going really well.
I love my acupuncture treatments. I am happy, I have more energy, no hot flashed, no mood swings....and I look better feel better and I lost 5 pounds. I feel like I am getting a mini life make-over.
It is truly awesome.
And even if this does not get my own eggs to work it will still be worth it and I will be more healthy and balanced for another try at egg donation.

I cannot remember the last time I felt this good about myself and my life.
Thanks to whoever the lady was that posted the article about fertility and acupuncture.
I don't even remember what site I read it on.

nothing new

Nothing new.
Still doing acupuncture....waiting for the next period to see how it's working.
I am feeling good though. much better than I used to.
I have so much more energy and I kinda like my life again.

I am so enjoying my acupuncture treatments. That is now my favorite part of the day....relaxing.

Right now I am going three times a week. And I do have less stress. And I am starting to have more energy. And I don't eat as much out of frustration any more

I just feel a lot better all around. It is really nice.It had been so long since I did not always stress and worry about the same thing day in and out. I even went walking once this week and I plan on going tomorrow. And I am thinking about maybe joining a gym.

starting to really love acupuncture

I am really starting love acupuncture. It is so very relaxing.

And I am feeling good. I can slowly feel a lot of stress melt of of me and I have more energy. I had a headache and cramps most of the day today but after my acupuncture appointment I felt good and so full of energy that I went walking. And it was fun and reminded me of the old me. Full of energy walking every day and going out hiking on the weekends. I find myself doing more stuff again and not just sitting on the couch like I used to. It is so great to be away from all the egg donation stress and finally getting my life back and feel energetic and normal and more like me again.

I don't even stress about money that much any more.

And I do have happy days.

I feel good.

loving acupuncture

Wow I really like acupuncture. I had my second appointment today.
It is just so wonderfully relaxing and I really do have more energy.
I feel very good about this.

my first acupuncture treatment

Well I was very excited all week long and not a bit scared until I drove into the parking lot.
LOL
That is when I started getting really nervous. I was sitting in the waiting room and was all nervous.
And after the first 2 needles I started to panic a little and thought I was gonna pass out.
The first two hurt but I think I was just scared and panicked and then I started to relax
and everything was fine.
It was all in all a very relaxing and great experience and I cannot wait for my next one on
Saturday.
I feel so much better this week all this egg donation stress is slowly falling of me.

1st acupuncture appointment tomorrow

Well I am really excited. I have my first acupuncture appointment tomorrow. I am not sure what to expect but i am not really scared not even of the needles. I told my psychologist today of all the new developments.
I am gonna continue seeing her while I am doing acupuncture. I told her I think of both as my new wellness-spa-package that is gonna get me back to who I am, who I was before all this stress and drama in my life.
I need to get relaxed and well and shed quite a few pounds. And if acupuncture and all that is associated with it will also give me functioning eggs again, not just a better functioning body and more energy that would be great if not than I tried anything I could and will have a healthier body for the next round of egg donation stuff.
We shall see......I got nothing to loose only to gain