finally

so it looks like I am finally gonna have my period tomorrow. Damn and I cannot believe that i am actually excited about that and blogging about it...that is just sick.

But at least I will finally get to schedule this surgery and get on with my life

still waiting...

and it is driving me absolutely crazy...it seems my life is always on hold for something

sad news

.....someone really close to me passed away today. And I am very upset.
To think that I will never see her again and she will never see my future children. She would always say that she may never see me again...this time she was right.
I wish I could have seen her more and I wish I would have called her more.
All I have now are my memories and pictures. And hopefully a keepsake that someone in the family will safe me.
I have had about all I can take.....

May she rest in peace...I loved her so

still waiting

....but I am a little more confident about this surgery...little less panicked.
I am thinking maybe this is my year...hey I gotta get lucky some time.
So I am trying to remain confident. Doing more things with friends, being more social and try to just have some fun.

been in good spirits

So I have been in a good mood.
The weather is gorgeous and I am tired of feeling bad and being in a bad mood.
hehe

So I am gonna enjoy being almost happy for a while.

another one hit the dust

so another one pretty much hit the dust.
Guys don't stick around when presented with problems.
And no I do not feel to elaborate on the subject anymore.
I am a big girl, I am a little warrior and I am moving on.

I cannot sleep

so it is once again Sunday night and I cannot sleep.
I tried to do the "I-am-a-normal-woman-human-being-thing" tonight and hang out with the guy that has been kinda showing an interest in me. Since I can never sleep on Sunday nights anyway I figured why not go to his house and watch a movie, have some beer and just cuddle. So I did. Well he asked me to spend the night so we were laying down all nice cuddled up and just talked. Apparently I am easier to get along with than I was 10 years ago. So we are talking about old times and family and all sorts shit until he asked me how come I have never gotten pregnant...oh my god I just wanted to die. So I did the immature thing and asked: Pregnant? why? and by whom?...and he asked or could I not get pregnant and I just said I did not want to talk about it. Yes that was really so mature of me. NOT!!! I felt horrible, and trapped and I did not know what to do and just wanted to leave. Or have him just hold me. But he fell asleep and started snoring so I woke him up and told him I was leaving. He said whatever so I guess that is not a good thing. I let myself out and gone I was.
then I texted him that I was sorry for leaving.

Well and now it is 3am in the morning and I have had no sleep and will have to be at work in about an hour.....

Gosh I am such a f-ing idiot.
I am soo stressed out right now because I do not know how he will react and I feel like such a immature moron. So I guess tomorrow or whenever i will have to give him the talk about "ALL" my shortcomings...And then I can watch and see which one makes him run for the hills faster......

And here I dreamed that I could actually hang out with a guy and be normal.
Well I guess I was wrong.

why am I always having to wait for my period?

Okay the . So during this whole infertility thing I always find myself waiting for my period to go to the next step...that is just wrong on soooo many levels.
Now I am waiting so they can schedule my hysteroscopy. So I have no clue when that is gonna happen. Well I kinda do. It will be in the next few weeks. I am very nervous.
And yesterday the guy I have been hanging out with this week asked me how I was doing health wise because he knows I had a cyst and an ovary removed 11 years ago. And I could not even tell him: Oh by the way ...the woman you seem to like right now is still messed up, even more so now.

All my life I was waiting for Prince Charming or just a guy that loves me and would tell me he would love to have a child with me....somehow I never got so lucky. I am not saying that this guy now would all off a sudden tell me that now.
BUT I think life would be very cruel if all of a sudden someone would do it now that I am older and only partial woman anymore. I don't know maybe I am just scared that someone will like me, really like me for who I am even with all my issues. I guess I am just so used to having bad relationships and always getting dumped or rejected. All I know is this guy hung out with me two days this week and is talking all sorts of stuff we will do in the future and it scares me.

Gosh I need a shrink....oh wait that one dumped me too....lol

Well I am gonna try to remain calm and see where live takes me.
Hey what have I got to loose? At this point really nothing.
So life bring it on!!! I am almost ready!! ROOAAARRR!!!

life can be nice too me....

until I remember....sigh
So I had two nice days where I got to hang out with a friend (well someone I dated 10-12 years ago) and with people that are from the same country we are from. And it has been very nice and I had almost forgotten about all my shortcomings and issues.

Problem is the guy seems to like me....WTF?
And I must say it has been very nice to have someone tell me (well text me) that he had a great time hanging out and that he remembers why he fell for me the first time. And that I am pretty and that I smell good. Holy crab I cannot remember the last time someone said anything remotely that nice to me.
So needless to say I am very flattered. I feel comfortable with him and I like hanging out. Makes me feel like a woman...which I keep forgetting that I am one.
BUT here comes the huge BUT.
I just feel bad already because I know I am gonna have to tell him about my issues and why we can't date......so yeah life is gonna suck again ........

And I am undecided if I should enjoy it for a little while longer or if I should tell him sooner than later....

ah shit why can't I be a normal woman and have relationships like everyone else?
I wanna say the F-word really loud right now!!!!

I don't feel good...

.....but then what else is new?
I have been hot and tired all day. I think I even have a fever.
So to sum it up...I feel like shit. And the fact that it is 80 something degrees outside is not exactly helping.
I just wanna sleep and sleep and sleep and then maybe wake up when this nightmare is over....

sigh

I am stressed!

But then what else is new. Bang now I owe more money again and it drives me crazy. And the upcoming surgery is gonna cost me even more. Wow I have no idea how I am gonna do all this. And on top of all I am scared of this surgery. I cannot loose any more female organs or I won't be a damn female anymore.
I already don't feel like one anymore.
So I am stressing big time!

Plus now the thought is slowly occurring to me that this could all fail and
I will be out of a shitload of money with absolutely nothing to show for than a broken heart.

I am so not prepared to even think about that. How do I keep going?

Well once again ...not so good news

So I had my appointment today for a Saline sonogram (yikes! not fun) and a blood test before we can start with a new donor. Needless to say I hardly slept last night. I had a feeling that something was wrong. It seems like in the last 8-10 years every time I have any form of sonogram there is something wrong with me. Well and unfortunately I was right. I have a polyp and it needs to come out.
So I got an overload of info in about an hour and could hardly hold my self together. So I have a polyp ( hell I am gonna have to look that up first to know what the hell it exactly is) and they need to take it out via (heck I am gonna have to find the paper they gave me to think of the name) HYSTEROSCOPY.
Heck I don't even wanna read all the info on it...I have a few more weeks till they do that. So I was already nauseous from the procedure and the not so good news.
Then I go to check-out and have to sign all the paper work for my new donor and surprise there is also a new balance of $ 2.1oo. Needless to say I was unaware and very unprepared for that. So all I could do is hold my tears back and hand over my visa card and demand an itemized printout which made absolutely no sense to me. They called me later and explained but I am still confused and I am terrified of how much money I owe again. I am still not sure how I made it thru work. So tomorrow I am gonna have to call my insurance company and see how much more this surgery is gonna set me back.
And Friday I will be pounding the pavement and the Internet for a second job.

So the only good news in all this is....the donor does not mind waiting till this is all done....which will take at least 6-8 weeks. ( hey what is 6-8 weeks when you have been at this for almost 3 years and according to my new fat bill already lost 4 donors). And the other recipient has the same problem as I do and has to have surgery as well. Hmmmm!!! Not sure that makes me feel better. Well maybe in a way it is good to know that it is not me alone that is seriously messed up.

This year was gonna be the first time in over 10 years that I was gonna spend my tax return on something other than bills and debt. But I guess now I cannot really do that.

So I have been waiting all day for the tears to come streaming down as soon as I am not around people anymore. But no nervous breakdown yet.
How can I always be so close and then loose again?
I am not ready to give up!!!!!
I will manage somehow as I always do.

am very nervous

So I have my appointment tomorrow. And I am scared. It seems like I never don't have anything wrong with me when doing a sonogram.
So I am trying not to think about it and hope that I can get some sleep tonight.
Well hopefully things I am afraid of most ist that I am being told that we cannot do this anymore because my body is more fucked up than before.
Well we shall see.

got new check-ups scheduled

So I got my new stuff scheduled.
And for some reason I am all stressed and bummed out. Been depressed all week. I hate how I could only have an appointment on Monday and have to leave work and then go back...sucks.
I hate how they tell me over the phone real quick what kinda tests they are gonna do. I have no idea what it is. Do they only treat me this way because I am single and not a recipient couple? Hell I don't know but I hate worrying about shit like that....that clinic stresses me out even more.

So now I am gonna search the internet to find out WTF a saline sonogram is.
yeah....

so....

I gotta call the clinic tomorrow so they can schedule all my tests....not getting excited about nothing....just gonna take it day by day....

waiting ....

so I am waiting for my period.....5 years ago I never thought I say that out loud.
Always dreaded it now I am waiting for it...so I can call the clinic and they can get blood and do testing to get my charts updated on my current health or lack there off for their files before we start allover again.

Almost there...yeahaaa
Well hopefully my monthly curse is the reason I have been soooo horrible tired for the past at least 10 days. I can only hope that there is nothing else wrong with me.
Well since they are gonna take my blood I am sure they would know. If it does not go away I guess I am gonna have to see a doctor. It is very unusual for me to take a 3 hour nap every day after work for more than a week. I am almost falling asleep on my way hoem from work. So hopefully just a wonderful side effect of being a woman as my body seems to come up with new versions of PMS or PMDD or whatever they call all this shit.

So now I wait and then hope that all my test at the clinic come out fine and that I am still woman enough to do this...sigh

So and now I am gonna get up and make myself do something cause I could already go back to bed and I just barely had breakfast

been soooooooooo tired

Okay so I don't know what is wrong with me now. For the past almost two weeks I have been very very tired. I come home from work and I am so tired that I have to lay down and I fall asleep or 2-3 hours. Very unusual for me.
So I hope this is not a sign for something being wrong with me.
Jeez for how long can I be soooo tired?

another egg donor hits the dust

wow ...
so another egg donor hit the dust. This one did not pass the psych evaluation.
And the funny thing is I kinda had a feeling that she would not. And I am not sure why but I did. Plus i could tell by the my nurse's voice.
Wow it is so sad that I can already predict these things.

And I am not even upset because somehow I knew.

But the good news is we have a new one that has lotsa eggs and makes babies.
YEah!
Wow that does sound weird even to me.
I have come such a long way from the first PERFECT donor. Now I am almost down to all they have to do is be alive and breathing. Yes I guess I am that desperate now.

Gosh I am sooo scared...

I do not know how much more of this I can handle.

And pretty soon I am gonna shut down any alcohol consumption again which is gonna make it harder.

It helps to get drunk now and then or just have a beer for calmness.
Okay back to yoga it is. Better for me anyway.

Well so lets see what happens next

tired

so I have been feeling really tired and down in the dumps.
Trying to do whatever to make me feel better or put me in a better mood.
So far ...no good...sigh

While I was at an appointment I missed a call from my nurse.
So I have to wait till tomorrow to hear what the news are.

I think I can always hear it in her voice if it is good or bad.
And I did not like her voice in the message.

Sigh!

so I am waiting

So no news from the clinic yet.
Still waiting....but I am okay with that.
I am a little more chillaxed I think....since I almost kinda forgot about
it for a little bit this week.