FSH level sucks

mood? devastated

my FSH level is 28....which is horrible
I admit I had kinda gotten my hopes up since it was 13 last months. I was prepared for no improvement but this I was not prepared for.

I almost had a panic attack and cry attack in my car.
Then I wanted to go out and get drunk.

Now I don't know what to do ...heck I don't even drink anymore.
Right now I can't even cry.

I don't even know what to say or write

bad weekend

well I had another bad weekend.
Horrible headache and back ache.
Not sure why.
I finally feel better but I am drained and discouraged once more.

How much longer?

not sure how this is going

Well this blog was supposed to be about my road to pregnancy. well it has been two years and no i am not pregnant. I am not sure how much longer I can keep this up. financally and emotionally. This month I thought I was doing so well and I was convinved that my FSH level is gonna be better than last month. But then last week my acupuncturist put me on some new herbal drops instead of my regular pills and I started feeling all depressed and anzious and started sleeping really nbad and I think I have hot flashes again. I am kinda devastated because i feel like I got thrown several months back. It is so discouraging amd I am having a hard time holding on. Why can't this be a joyous time for me like it is for others. I just wanna be pregnant. It seems so easy for soo many. Why not me/

I have put my life on hold for almost 2 years. I do not plan vacations or anyhting because I do not know when and if I will be pregnant. So I am missing out on a regular life. And it is getting harder and harder.

feeling good

I am feeling good and waiting for my FSH level to get below 10.
Got a few more weeks for another test. I am hopeful and feel well and try to keep stress free which is not easy at my job.
I have my ups and downs, especially when everyone is trying to show of their new babies to me. But I am learning to cope. Hey lets face it it is not thier fault they can have them and I have trouble with it.

I am trying, I am dealing and I think I am doing farely well. Even without my shrink for now.

FSH level

Well I have done another blood test to check my FSH level and the number is 13.
Which is still not good. The clinic wants it under 10.
But considering that 2 years ago it was 20 I am kinda happy.
Other than that life has not been good and i am trying my hardest to keep calm and stress free to not mess up my fertility possibilities.
I am not gonna be defeated by other people bringing negative energy into my life.
I refuse too.
So I am gonna stay calm and keep going no matter what live throws in my way.
There has got to be light at the end of the tunnel.I know there has to be.

Hanging in there....

as usual.
My mood is good and I am not done yet.
Hopefully good news this months.
If not it may be back to egg donation.
I am tired of waiting...wanna be a mommy
before I am 50

lol

feeling better

Wow finally feeling a little better again.
Except for a little anxiety and a backache.

I have a long weekend off and I am gonna try to do a lot of nice
and relaxing things. Also I need to get back to swimming..its been
almost 2 weeks.

So I am gonna keep going!!!

hope for me yet?

I read on one of my favorite blogs today that this 70 year old woman gave birth to twins recently with invitro.......guess there should be help for me yet since I am 30 years younger?
lol
this world is crazy.

I just want one chance

What if I am running out of time?

Well this month my chart is saying I did not ovulate so that kinda worries me.
Today I have had the worst cramps I have had in like 12 years. I almost called 911 whwn I could not breath and was about to pass out. It was scary.

I guess I need to either go to my clinic or gyno to make sure I am okay.

But I am not giving up.

going stronger

I am trying to get back in a little bit of shape and trying to shed a few pounds and eat more healthy and be more happy and hopefully things will click and fall into place

tough road ahead still

Well the last few weeks have been really tough.
But I need to keep believing that there is a light at the end of this tunnel.
So I continue with my accupuncture and I am trying to remain calm and cool.
And I will continue one day at the time.

It is not easy but hey who's life is easy.

Maybe I should just give up

Well here I am going thru doubts and mild depression again while everyone around me is having babies....

I am not sure I can do this anymore....my whole life is infertility...I cannot remember any happy days in my life.....days where I do not think about this.

I don't know!!!

start of another cycle

And here goes the start of another cycle.....We shall see how it goes.
I am in good spirits. I have cut back on my overtime. And I am trying to be positive about things. I try to do things that make me happy or at least keep me somewhat calm and normal...lol

Acupuncture has changed my life now lets just hope it will change the most important thing in my life.
I will keep posting.

decreasing or eliminating stress

this is my goal for this month...eliminate or at least reduce stress.
Good sleep. At least 7-8 hours and less stress.
My life or anything that is important im my life depends on.
So I will give this my best.

Infertility is getting the best of me!!

Well a lot of not so good things have happened.
Apparently my stress level is hindering my process.
My acupuncturist had a good lil talking to me. And trust me finding out that u are your own worst enemy is not a great feeling.
Finding out that the job u used to love makes u miserable, not good either.
But I have no self-esteem, no clothes that fit me and no confidence that I will find a job right now. I am way to scared. So I try to make the best out of this one.
I only worked 3 days this week and look and feel like shit.
I am not sure what I am gonna do.
And then I hurt my back and now we are treating that so I can walk, then we go back to my female issues. Also since I cannot work extra hours right now.....money is low.

Gosh I need a break.

Someone throw me a bone...can't something decent happen to me?

don't feel like posting right now

I don't much feel like spilling my guts on blog these days.
I also injured my back and are now working on that before I worry about my infertility again.

struggling

I am tired of waiting....maybe having a child of my own is not worth it.
maybe I should adopt......I am tired of being depressed and miserable.
I am always depressed...I either drink, eat or shop...mor so eating and shopping
and the bigger I get the more miserable I get.
On the weekends i don't even wanna get outta bed.

All I do is work to pay my insane medical bills.......yeah what a live.

Trying to do better

Well I am trying my hardest to do better emotionally. I am tired of being moody an depressed. I have no energy to do nothing.
And I am sooo tired of it.
I am seriously considering doing weight watchers again. I put off loosing weight and exercising for 2 years almost because I thought I would be pregnant at any time.
yeah right....
could have lost half of me by now or look like a body builder....lol

i just wish I would have the willpower to wanna succeed at anything like a diet.
I get depressed I eat......
but I do need to get out of this slump

sigh.............I must keep going

Infertility sucks

I have just started a new cycle so I am trying to be all positive no matter how much like shit I feel no matter how depressed I am.
I gotta keep going...I just have to.......
So I continue to measure my temp like a good girl and keep on smiling no matter how bad I feel.

I will not let this get me down........ I can do this

don't wanna do this anymore

Well my female stuff is more messed up then ever...2 periods within 2 weeks...althought this one is more my normal date.
I don't hold out much hope anymore for ever having my own child.
All I see right now is me soending thousands and thousands of money every month
and I got nothing to show for.
Heck I could have had a complete body makeover for all the money I have spent.
Or taken a trip around the whole damn world...not that I would have enjoyed it.
Heck I don't enjoy anything anymore. I have been in this rut that I cannot get out. I never have any energy for anything....Cleaning or shopping or anything.
The only thing I do is go to work so I can pay of my debt. And half the time I do not even know how I dragged myself to work. Guess I only go there because it pays my outragous bills...
Other than that I do not even wanna leave the house. I feel fat, ugly and like a broken woman...not a real woman and I feel like everyone looks at me like that poor childless woman that is to stupid to have children.

I am just so tired of defining my whole life by this one thing that is wrong with me that affects everything and has for about two years.

I am just not me anymore.........and I HATE IT