Happy New Year

So her I am waiting for 2008.

And I am soo tired because I have not been sleeping well the past two nights.

But hey I can sleep when I am 80.

This is the first time in 10 years that I will spend New Years Eve by myself.

And I thought it would depress me...plus I have PMS

BUT

no I am okay....I am in a very good mood today. Enjoyed my relaxing acupuncture treatment and decided not to do anything tonight. Got me a small bottle of champagne

and am gonna have one or two glasses.

And I am not gonna make any new years resolutions like I do every year.

Hey I survived 1 year and 4 months of infertility drama, I survived my first Christmas in 10 years by myself.

And I am not miserable.....I AM JUST FINE...

And the other day while driving (that is when I do all my thinking) I thought how truly well I am doing and how strong I am. I had underestimated myself. I must say I am actually impressed with myself. I am dealing, I am coping and I am really doing fine.

I Thought I was gonna crumble and crash over Christmas.

But I did more than okay.

I can do this .....AND I AM NOT GIVING UP.

I am gonna enter into a new year with new hopes and new dreams. I am gonna have a life again, I am not gonna put my life on hold....I am gonna lead a normal life.

or at least I am gonna try my hardest.

I am gonna be okay....and today I felt almost happy for a while.

I am good....I am okay.

Happy New Year!!!!

doing good

So I am doing good....except for PMS.
I survived Christmas w/o crying.
And I am gonna survive my b-day too.
I scheduled a few treatments at a spa and I am really looking forward to it.
It is gonna be great.

Other than that I am still taking all my Chinese herbs, doing acupuncture and
keep measuring my temperature.

I have great hopes and try not to dwell on my future.


oh and this is really need for tracking temperature

www.fertilityfriendonline.com

Christmas was not bad

Well Christmas was not soo bad.
I was really worried....but turns out I am stronger than I thought I was.
I had a nice Christmas Eve and worked all day Christmas Day.
So I did good. And now everything is back to normal and I just have
to survive my b-day.

Acupuncture is going well.....my ovulation chart is still a little crazy
but we will see more after my next period.
Crazy but I am looking forward to those now.....sick
I almost done have any PMS systems this month thanks to acupuncture.

So all in all things are going well.

hanging in there

So I am trying to survive Christmas by myself...still w/o a child.
My Basal Temp. Chart is outta whack.
But my acupuncturist does not seem concerned yet.
So I keep on going.....lets face it I am gonna have a baby one way or another
before I am stone age old...haha

Sigh

Well according to charts that I looked at I should have ovulated yesterday.
Don't think that happened. My temperature did not go up.
I am trying not to be so sad and disappointed.
So far I am okay.
I am not giving up.
It is so easy for me to slip in depression but today I refuse to.
I decorated my place and put the tree up and watched x-mas movies
all day long.

Temperature Chart

So now that I am measuring my temperature every morning I have my own little temperature chart and I must say I better ovulate tomorrow and have my temperature go way up or it is not gonna look the way it is supposed to.

Sigh

Plus I cannot really tell when I ovulate or maybe I don't know. I do get little sharp pains and cramps but I am not sure if that is it.

So I am trying to stay positive and keep on measuring.

can't relax

I am still kinda stressing.....but I am trying hard to keep it together. Yesterday I received a bill from my clinic. Another thousand bucks and I did not understand the bill. So I called them and made the final decision not to use the donor that we have been waiting for for 6+ months because of CMV that she has. Heck I am spending all this money I want a healthy donor. Plus I told the clinic that I never knew anything about her. Never saw a profile, never saw a picture, never knew nothing because every time I go into the clinic it was all rush rush like assembly line and by the time I was ushered out the door I had a lot of questions. My psychologist suggested for my last visit to make a list. I did and I had like ten questions on there and I never got to ask them cause they called me and called everything of till January. Well now I called it off. So if acupuncture does not get my own eggs working I have to start allover. Which scares the heck outta me.

Needless to say I could not sleep last night, I listened to my guided meditation CD 3 times and just started crying and could not relax. So I turned it off and watched TV for hours until I finally fell asleep.

And today first the first time in all my acupuncture treatments that I did not completely relax and doze off. I felt bad. So I got an extra quick relaxing massage and felt better. But I just feel like every time I cannot relax or sleep I am ready for a panic attack....feels weird....

Tonight I am doing okay....no crying...so I am trying and trying my best. I cannot give up!!!!

Thanks

I wanna say thanks to the people that recently have left me comments....I am glad I am not alone in this....I feel like a black sheep in society (and in my family) sometimes.

So it is great to get supporting and understanding comments. It does make me feel better.

so here is a big hug and big THANKS...I appreciate it so much and wish you all the best of luck.

I am trying my best to make it thru the holidays.

My psychologist gave me books for coping and a CD with guided meditation. So far the CD makes me cry but then relaxes me and lets me take a nap and I feel better afterwards.

It is by Belleruth Naparstek and it is a guided meditation CD to cope with infertility.

It's weird at first and I felt more nutty but it helps me relax, sleep and feel better.

I am even thinking about going home for x-mas. I think my parents and family need me but don't know how to say it.

It would be difficult for me....but I think it would make everyone else happy.

struggling with the holidays

I am struggling....again.......big time
I still love my acupuncture treatments....
but I feel miserable .....I cry all the time ....and I feel like I am going to have a panic attack.
I am taking all these herbal supplements to make me feel better but it is not working anymore
I feel like I am falling into a deep depression.
Is it because of the holidays?
Probably plus I am turning.......oh god I hate to even write it....I am turning the number after 39. I think besides the fact they I am infertile, single, in debt, in a dead-end job, overweight and obviously unhappy right now I am also going to have a midlife crisis over the holidays.
Oh great now I am gonna cry again.
This sucks soooo bad.
I just wanna be normal...with a family and kids....and not a fucked up body.

I am not even sure what is worse spending x-mas alone or with my family that does not know about my adventures in infertility.

gosh I would give so much just to feel OKAY and happy like I did a month ago...and if it is just for a week....

sigh

well no news....
I feel like I am falling back into a hole.
After so many weeks of PMS and cramps and feeling just like hell....
now I am measuring my temperature to see if and when I ovulate since I cannot feel it.
Or not sure if I can.

I feel like I am back to a waiting game....I am getting stressed again.
I am not so relaxed and easy going anymore.
I am scared to be just miserable and bitter and unhappy again.

And christmas coming up is so not helping.....
Great now I am gonna be crying

time to go to bed....hopefully I can sleep.....and then put my smile back in the morning