sigh

Today is my first day of in two weeks and I woke up at 6am because I forgot to turn off my alarm. And then of course I could not go back to sleep. And I already feel like crap early in the morning. Yeah!!!
My place needs lots of TLC and lotsa cleaning but I already feel tired and without energy.
Oh and I am tired of blogging or talking about it too....so I am gonna go have another cup of decaf and hope for a better mood........sigh

still discouraged and don't know anymore

Well I am very discouraged with this whole "s..t".
My temperature chart for this month is all screwed up and I am very sure I did not ovulate. I am so in tune with this whole ovulation thing and temperature thing now that I noticed right away. Plus I had some hot flashes again so now I am afraid that all my hard work with acupuncture was for the birds. And I am supposed to see my nurse at the clinic when I get my period to test to see about my FSH level. Well if I don't ovulate I am sure that is gonna be high again too. I am so frustrated my last three cycles were so perfect looking.
Now I am all freaked out that it may have to do with all the overtime and crazy ours I have worked this month. And all I try to do is just pay of all my debt from the medical bills, fertility clinic and acupuncture.
And I cancelled my appointment with my psychiatrist.
I just got tired of talking about myself plus going there also made me realize I obviously have some more issues than just my obvious one. And talking about me and my screwed up life just made me more miserable.

Right now I just feel like a hamster in one of those wheels. I keep running and going and I am just not getting anywhere.

I am almost ready to give up......

not even shopping makes me happy, I just take stuff back.

still blue

...still feeling blue

and can't shake it.

struggling with my infertility

I am not sure what has changed but I am struggling with everything all of a sudden.
Maybe my little vacation let me see that every one else in my family is normal, or what I consider normal. Married with kids. Sigh. I just feel like my life sucks big time. And I am tired of coping and smiling and telling myself it will ab be okay and worth while.

I thought I had made such great progress. But now I am scared that I may not have. I have been charting my cycle for months now. And when I called my clinic to make an appointment to do some tests to see if my own eggs are gonna work there was a big confusion and I realized I am just a number to them and they had no idea who I was it seemed. That really threw me for a loop. But my psychiatrist which works with the clinic says she has a lot of people complaining about that so it is not just me.
Anyways they do not care about any charts or any progress with acupuncture or anything they are gonna just have me come in on the second day of my period and that will determine how my life continues....I hate it....even my psychiatrist said to be prepared for the bad news to think that my own eggs won't work....well great

Plus my sessions with psychiatrist used to make me feel better, more energized more happy but now i am starting to realize that there is a whole lot more shit wrong with me than just my fertility issues and now i dread going because it makes me more sad and depressed. All stuff I don't wanna think or talk about that gets tied in now.
I just am at a point where I am not as strong as I thought I was and I just wanna crumble on the floor and cry and don't get up for days.

this is one of the times I wish I had someone to shares this with.

Ahhhh gosh.......my life just sucks.....sigh

still here

So I am back from a little vacation....back to work back to stress and back to what is my life.
I guess I am getting ready to make an appointment with my clinic to see how my stuff is doing. I am tired, I am scared and I just don't wanna think about my issues....I am tired on putting my life on hold....I wanna go on.....gosh I am grumpy today....
well I will be better tomorrow......

sigh...

....not sure what's going on with me this month...my temp. chart is of the wall, and I don't think I have ovulated....I am a little down....and I cannot sleep or relax anymore...the harder I try the worse it gets....hmmmm]

but as usual I am not giving up.

feeling better today

Okay so my acupuncture treatment today made me feel better.
Wednesday I have an appointment with my psychiatrist.
And NASCAR season starts....
so I am gonna be okay.
I feel a lot better today.
Thank goodness....I was a lil worried.

I feel down and have more than the blues...

These days I feel like shit.
The painkillers I took for my sinus pain when I had this aweful cold. the past few weeks
messed up my stomach and I probably have an ulcer.
I had been doing so good. I was confident in myself and my progress.
Now I feel miserable, depressed and very stressed.
Eating gives me heartburn for 4-6 hours.....I am crying all the time for nothing, I am depressed.
Everything bothers me....this sucks...

And I don't know how to fix it.
And I am for once gonna have a hard time putting that smile back on my face and keep going.
Dear God I just wanna be normal. No issues!
Sigh.

Smile....I wow I am gonna make it....I will be okay.....(and I write this with tears streaming down my cheeks)

I am once again hanging in there

Once again I am just hanging in there....waiting...which I am no good at.

Waiting till I get the green light to go to the clinic and test my hopefully revived eggs.

So I get the blues a little but I am in no way letting myself be depressed.

I figured out that I am so much stringer then I thought I was so I am gonna continue on with this journey. I don't even mind anymore that I do it all by myself... I am okay with it.

I am looking forward to the cycle that just started...hopefully it goes well.

finally getting over my cold

Well I am finally getting over this aweful cold.
Boy I think this is the worst cold I have ever had in my life.
And I am so glad I can go on with my life.
Since I have weekly acupuncture treatments I have to work a lot of overtime
to keep up and pay of my debt at the infertility clinic. So being sick and working
50-60 hours has been very draining. So I am looking forward to feeling better
every day so I can cope with normal daily life.

Still dragging around a cold

Well I am still dragging around a cold. I have had my face swollen for days, my sinus to be precise. And I have had real bad sinus pains.
Thank goodness I had an acupuncture appointment today....one treatment cleared out my nose in 20 minutes and I could breathe....first time this week through my nose.
yeahhhh!

But I have also taken so many pain killers in the last two days that I started having real bad heart burn that has lasted for the last several hours.
But I guess my cold is almost over and I can concentrate on life again.

Freaking out a bit!

This week I got some bad news about my mom...she had a little health scare.
She is so healthy and she exercises...this really freaked me out.
And now I feel a new urgency about getting pregnant....I want my parents to have a grandchild.
I want them to see them grow up.

I feel like crap.

But I am smiling, my cold, my bad news and all.
I will just keep going......I will be okay

Got a lil cold

I have a cold and it is throwing of my temperature and it is making me feel like shooot.But I got some herbal drops to make me feel better and I am drinking tea with honey.Just my sinus headache is getting to me and I can't tap that one away I found out today.Only normal headaches...lol and I thought I was doing something wrong.

tapping

My acupuncturist has recently showed me how to tap away a headache.
And it worked for me when I tried it. But this week I have been extremely tired and finally came down with a little bit of a cold accompanied with a headache. I tried tapping and taking all positive but I guess I could not get my brain to believe me.
I also did some research on the net and found a really helpful website.

www.tapping.com

Turns out everything in your life is better when you are more positive.
I gotta really work on this and the relaxing part...so I can finally sleep.
I thought I was a lot more positive and a lot more easy going....but I still
have trouble sleeping.....or getting relaxed enough to go to sleep.

So I am a work in progress....and I am not giving up.

I was thinking .....

that even if acupuncture does not make me pregnant with my own eggs I still am in a better place than I was last year at this time.

I am more positive, I have less stress, I have way less headaches and migraines and I am not just angry and bitter about my situation.

It makes my life better ....and that is good.

still doing good

So my acupuncturist is not worried about my slightly confusing temperature chart.

He is confident that i am doing good. And so am I.

Hey I have seen so many positive changes in my body.......so I know acupuncture is working.

I am very confident about my treatments.

And I really feel good. I am a lot less stressed.

so maybe I did not ovulate...sigh

Well today entered my temperatures for the last two days in my temp. chart and yesterday my temperature was too low and then high again today...so now my chart shows I did not ovulate.....well damned.

Plus when it said I ovulated I did not feel anything...but yesterday and today I felt some tweaking so I am not sure what's going on....sigh

but heck I will ovulate I don't care when.

Positive!!!! is my motto and I try to hold on to it! SMILE

I am mostly a veteran Barbie....lol

Many thanks to the comments I get.
I used to think I am the only one, so much felt like a freak of nature. Is it me or have there been more pregnant people in 2007 then ever before. Hell they are everywhere. When someone at work announced they are pregnant I kept "this smile" pasted to my face until it hurt and then went to the bathroom to have a mini nervous breakdown, but not enough so that people could not tell.
Heck I felt like I lost the ability of being happy for people I just hated them. Hey and then there were a few celebs my age like Jennifer Lopez or Halle Berry that did not have kids yet.
Now these traders are pregnant too....lol

I have gotten a little better ....I do not hate all pregnant people any more.....sigh
I am happy for them.......but a little sad always.
I always feel like I am gonna be the only one left.
So all the comments or references to other sites I get do help. This blog...just writing about it has helped and if it just helps one other person to not feel like a freak or "The only One" then I feel good.

So here is a site that was suggested to me. THANKS Anonymous!!!! I love it.
Boy that lady went thru a looooooooooooooooong time of trying....holy crab!!!
Makes me depressed...sigh


http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/2004/05/ivf_barbie.html


So I am a veteran Barbie. But I refuse to ever have gray hair....and although I have put on some weight I will not do the stretch pants.

Yeah I have my ups and downs but I have a few perky girly moments left...hehe

Oh and Anonymous don't give up.....we gotta think positive!!!! Even if it hurts...hehehe

Apparently,according to my acupuncturist, our brains are smarter than we are. If we think negative our brain picks that up and runs with it. Yesterday he explained to me that when I have a headache and think : Oh shit this really sucks I hate my headache, that makes your brain pick up only the negatives and that makes it worse.
Well holy crab I have been giving myself headaches and migraines for over 20 years. LOL
So he showed me several points to tap in my face and then I have to say that I do accept my headache and don't say anything negative. So I tried it yesterday and it worked....genius.
I feel like I gained a life couch too.

So since I am a Capricorn I am unfortunately a pessimist....but hey I am teaching this ol' dog new tricks....So I am trying to be all positive and if it kills me....hehe

Also what I have found helpful in my struggles is Guided Imagery that my psychiatrist suggested. Sometimes they make me cry but mostly they make be better.
They are by Belleruth Naparstek

http://www.healthjourneys.com/

There is one CD series for coping with infertility. It is very calming although I have issues with relaxing...
Next I wanna get the one for sleep...need that one.

Also what I try to do positive for me is instead of just paying of my fertility bills .....I now also treat myself every now and then with a manicure or pedicure...going shopping for some cute top to make me feel like the woman I still am...although I don't feel it all the time.

So I am trying and like I said before I am stronger than I thought I was.

I ROCK....lol

yeah I ovulated today

My fertility chart says that I ovulated. And my temperature stayed above the line for 3 days.

This is so great. And I am feeling well. Acupuncture has helped me so much in my life.
I have more energy...not all the time but I have good or great days.
I used to have headaches 3-4 times a week because of stress and now I have them every few months. And I have not had a migraine since I started treatments.
All I need to do now is get my sleeping under control...right now it takes me hours to fall asleep.
So hopefully that will be the next step.

Things are good.

my plans for this year

My plans for this year are still getting pregnant.
For now the acupuncture thing is working. I had not produced cervical fluids before ovulation in a while ( and I feel like a complete idiot for never noticing) and now I am....boy was I excited...(stupid I know)
So now I know this is working. I also feel like a woman again. Very nice.
All in all I am very confident in the acupuncture treatments.
Next is ...ovulation...then I will go back to my fertility center and have them run tests to see if my eggs are working and then ....I would try to get pregnant on my own with my own eggs..
I think realistically I would try that 2-3 times....and then go back to egg donation.
At least I would know that I tried my best with my own good ol eggs.
I just could not go on with egg donation w/o trying this out first.
We shall see....what happens.
I will be writing about it