So i am pregnant

and I have been smiling all day...I am sooo happy
After work I bought two books on pregnancy....hey I am clueless..haha

Have my first Ultrasound on Monday....yeah doubt we will see anything.
But still...so cool

I am pregnant.

She said i look too happy....

My nurse is gonna have someone run the blood test now and i can wait..soo scared

At the clinic for blood pregnancy test....here goes everything

hanging in there

wow today after acupuncture I was actually in a good mood.
I am not terrified that I will find out my fate in 2 more days.

lol

this will probably last one day....and then the crazy hormones take over.

more hmmmm

and now I may worry a bit...
I feel like I am gonna have my period....or kinda like it...

four more days..........good god....how am I gonna make it ?

hmmm

so now i kinda started spotting...
or maybe it is not really spotting....kinda pinkish discharge.
all my intenet research says not to worry about it....well whatever happens there is nothing i can do anyway.....

my last hope is that I have this weirdo inner piecefull feeling sometimes
and that everything is different after this IVF....maybe those are good signs
ya never know...

the lovely internet

So I am searching for support or forums or blogs that may help me....but no such luck....

I need to not search the net on this subject because it is never good...sigh

well loosing it is no fun

So i have been hiding from the world because I am calmer without people around.
Late this afternoon i just had this feeling of calm come over me....a feeling that I just could win....this infertility game I play....

But then I immediately get mad at myself for putting to much into it....

hell....I am in hell

but hell at least i am calm for now...

I am even debating on joining my friends for lunch tomorrow...
we shall see if i wake up as evil or good tomorrow.

sigh

progesterone and estrogen have taken over my life

okay so I am not generally I shiny happy go lucky person...but at least I have a happy medium where I can interact with other humans.
Not so now....if I go somewhere i just sit there...don't participate in conversation and do not want to talk to anybody and get really easy upset or aggrevated if one person says something wrong or something I understand wrong...I can't tell the difference anymore....
I can not go around people because I make everyone miserable and the SAD part is I have no control over it. I try to be happy and postitive but It is just not working anymore.
I have cancelled all planned activities with my friends for the weekend.

I have not cleaned my house in two weeks and I cannot remember how many days ago I had a shower....and that is about as far from my character as mars.

And I have been trying to eat my depression away in the past few days.
so once again I look pregnant .....but I doubt I will be

the weird part is...after this 2nd IVF transfer I felt different and it gave me such up. I would sometimes lay there and rub my belly...not on purpose just automatically ....wondering what it would feel like....when I could feel pregnant.
I was very confident that I could be pregnant....then all of a sudden....I started big fight with my boss at work and got horrible upset for being discriminated once again...then i have just been upset with everything and everybody and adapted a mood of I do not care any more and I just want this over with....
and cried and ate for 2 days.
i have been nauseous almost every day and my stomach just bugs me in all sortsa places.
Today I am kinda calm but have such a heavy heart and feel the headache and depression creeping in.

I can't fix it is what sucks the most...and if things go wrong next week i am gonna blame myself.

And to make me wanna leave the house even less I am now breaking out like a teenager...on my back and my neck and cleavage....thank god not the face or not badly anyway. And it is hot and I have to be in tshirts covering up.

I hate when i feel like this....I don't like feeling depressed and hermit at home.
I miss my friends and I regret not telling them yet. But I am soo afraid
because the 3 initial people I told ....they could care less and are pretty much outta my life.

Well I am gonna stop watching QVC now before I buy something ...since shopping and food makes me happy...sad i know

and I am going to clean and do laundry and then clean me up and make me some homemade pizza.....

I read somewhere before or saw on a talk show how u should put a tiara on while cleaning to alwyas remain the princes...lol ...I have one from a halloween costume so maybe I will do that...
I hope I won't accidently leave the house like that when I take the trash out...

okay pressing on...tiara on head...smile on my pimpled face...

Glad i am not the only one in the restaurant sitting by myself.....

falling apart

since wednesday I am just falling apart.
i can;t and don;t want to do this anymore.....I am soo pumped full of hormones it is making me a bitch it is making me unrasonable, it is making me...NOT ME.

I lost any ability to be calm., happy or whatever normal people are.
I am tired....I am bitchy....I cry as soon as nobody is around.....plain simple I am loosing it.

and I don't care anymore....I can't do this anymore....
I am soooo broke....my car is a piece of shit that is only 7 years old but has been in and out of the shop for the past 6 weeks....rental car cost and repair cost amounting to almost a thousand dollars...and it is still not fixed.

I hate being around people I just wanna sleep...I am soooooooooo tired of it all

I wanna give up I don;t care anymore.....

and now I am gonna act like I am a normal happy person and go eat some thai food by myself...yeah

I am pathetic

One more week to go....till my life will either be perfect or the lowest it has ever been

I am coping with ice cream...i miss coffee and the once a week soda ....and on really bad day alcohol...lol

Car issues for six weeks now.....stress at work..almost lost it yesterday

I wish i could stay home and relax....people in my life irritate me

Yeah i have no idea howi feel...just happy to keep me kinda calm

every week for the past three years....sigh

Yesterday my acupuncturist asked me if I feel pregnant...told him I would not know how that feels....his wife said I would be super tired...well am tired