falling apart

since wednesday I am just falling apart.
i can;t and don;t want to do this anymore.....I am soo pumped full of hormones it is making me a bitch it is making me unrasonable, it is making me...NOT ME.

I lost any ability to be calm., happy or whatever normal people are.
I am tired....I am bitchy....I cry as soon as nobody is around.....plain simple I am loosing it.

and I don't care anymore....I can't do this anymore....
I am soooo broke....my car is a piece of shit that is only 7 years old but has been in and out of the shop for the past 6 weeks....rental car cost and repair cost amounting to almost a thousand dollars...and it is still not fixed.

I hate being around people I just wanna sleep...I am soooooooooo tired of it all

I wanna give up I don;t care anymore.....

and now I am gonna act like I am a normal happy person and go eat some thai food by myself...yeah

I am pathetic

One more week to go....till my life will either be perfect or the lowest it has ever been

I am coping with ice cream...i miss coffee and the once a week soda ....and on really bad day alcohol...lol

Car issues for six weeks now.....stress at work..almost lost it yesterday

I wish i could stay home and relax....people in my life irritate me

Yeah i have no idea howi feel...just happy to keep me kinda calm

every week for the past three years....sigh

Yesterday my acupuncturist asked me if I feel pregnant...told him I would not know how that feels....his wife said I would be super tired...well am tired

waiting period

well I was better of on bed rest....work is poison...

first day I had the sniffles, a headache and a horrible back ache.
But I am not gonna let anyone get me down.

Doing my shots even when they hurt and i got a big ugly bump already.

hey i am a warrier and I got a tattoo to remind me....

SMILE

bedrest is boring

well obviously texting updates does not work well they come in crooked order...so scratch that..it was just easier to type form cell than laptop
now I allowed myself back to laptop.....just not on my lap.
Well I am very lazy and love to lay in bed or on the couch all day but apparently not when I have too...haha

I am in good spirits...yesterday I had some cramping but I read allover the net that that is normal. This time was differnet. First time I did not feel transfer or anything afterwards. This time I felt cramping during and after. And nope that is no inidcator of how good or bad it worked...sigh

but i am calm....gonna keep busy for the next two weeks...hopefully work won't be stressful

So I am just laying on the couch caressing my belly....hoping....but don't dare to dream....maybe a little

Today i am having one of these days where i wish i had a man in my life....i could use someone to just hold me and love me while i am laying here in bed

rooting for two little embrios to make it....sigh...

Transfer and pre transfer acu complete..now am laying in bed playing on my phone, eating grapes and watching tv...i love laying in bed being lazy...

this is it going in in a bit...
here goes everything

like today is do or die...
I lied to my closest friends about what i am doing today and that sucks....i am hoping in two weeks i can tell them why..

so

played on che computer for a bit and then i went to acupuncture for my pre transfer treatment to keep me all calm. I don't feel very calm today. I feel

Today is the day...the day of transfer. I woke up at 8am and did not know what to do with myself so I cleaned and did laundry. Just to stay calm. Then I

Going to apuncture in the morning before going to the clinic for transfer to prepare for the transfer...its supposed to help make me nice and calm

Transfer

Transfer is tomorrow....
i am scared and tired....
doing very bad with the progesterone shots this time around.
very painful...bought me some cool cars tattoo band aids to make it better...grin...sigh

am overwhelmed and tired...i struggle every day to remember how many pills of thre different kind I have to take when...shots...patches..and so on....
sometimes I feel stupid for not remembering what to do when ....

tired...going to sleep

almost a go

So I just got a phone call from the clinic...donor has egg retrieval on Monday.
And then they will call me to see how many eggs the donor has and then of course i have to split those with the other egg donor recipient that I am sharing this donor with.
So it can actually happen that one of us ends up w/o eggs. If she does not have enough.

I just wanna lay down and cry........I am sooooo overwhelmed.
Today my stomach hurts because I have been thinking too much.

My closest friends and family do not know....and I feel bad....but I am soo afraid of rejection....

My car has been in the shop again since wednesday and they don't even have the decency to tell me what is wrong with it.

In my closest group of friends that don't know there is a guy that has been kinda flirting with me and seems to like me.........and that upsets me cause come on it is not gonna go anywhere ....

gosh i need a drink..........

and that is another thing my friends have been giving me a hard time about...the fact that I do not drink any alcohol anymore....

everyone kinda picks on me and makes fun or gives me a hard time....and the sad part and the part that upsets me is that nobody even said ..why u not drinkin u pregnant?

nope apparently they just see me as a kidless party girl........sad sad

today is just not a happy day....

I am sooooooo scared what is gonna become of my life.

it seems like everytime a guy shows some kinda interest in me I start dreaming...dreaming of having a normal life. With a man...hopefully my kid or kids and a nice appartment or house....yeah dare I say it a family...

I feel soo stupid even writing that...

I love my friends but I think I was better of when I just stayed home alone