waiting period

well I was better of on bed rest....work is poison...

first day I had the sniffles, a headache and a horrible back ache.
But I am not gonna let anyone get me down.

Doing my shots even when they hurt and i got a big ugly bump already.

hey i am a warrier and I got a tattoo to remind me....

SMILE

bedrest is boring

well obviously texting updates does not work well they come in crooked order...so scratch that..it was just easier to type form cell than laptop
now I allowed myself back to laptop.....just not on my lap.
Well I am very lazy and love to lay in bed or on the couch all day but apparently not when I have too...haha

I am in good spirits...yesterday I had some cramping but I read allover the net that that is normal. This time was differnet. First time I did not feel transfer or anything afterwards. This time I felt cramping during and after. And nope that is no inidcator of how good or bad it worked...sigh

but i am calm....gonna keep busy for the next two weeks...hopefully work won't be stressful

So I am just laying on the couch caressing my belly....hoping....but don't dare to dream....maybe a little

Today i am having one of these days where i wish i had a man in my life....i could use someone to just hold me and love me while i am laying here in bed

rooting for two little embrios to make it....sigh...

Transfer and pre transfer acu complete..now am laying in bed playing on my phone, eating grapes and watching tv...i love laying in bed being lazy...

this is it going in in a bit...
here goes everything

like today is do or die...
I lied to my closest friends about what i am doing today and that sucks....i am hoping in two weeks i can tell them why..

so

played on che computer for a bit and then i went to acupuncture for my pre transfer treatment to keep me all calm. I don't feel very calm today. I feel

Today is the day...the day of transfer. I woke up at 8am and did not know what to do with myself so I cleaned and did laundry. Just to stay calm. Then I

Going to apuncture in the morning before going to the clinic for transfer to prepare for the transfer...its supposed to help make me nice and calm

Transfer

Transfer is tomorrow....
i am scared and tired....
doing very bad with the progesterone shots this time around.
very painful...bought me some cool cars tattoo band aids to make it better...grin...sigh

am overwhelmed and tired...i struggle every day to remember how many pills of thre different kind I have to take when...shots...patches..and so on....
sometimes I feel stupid for not remembering what to do when ....

tired...going to sleep

almost a go

So I just got a phone call from the clinic...donor has egg retrieval on Monday.
And then they will call me to see how many eggs the donor has and then of course i have to split those with the other egg donor recipient that I am sharing this donor with.
So it can actually happen that one of us ends up w/o eggs. If she does not have enough.

I just wanna lay down and cry........I am sooooo overwhelmed.
Today my stomach hurts because I have been thinking too much.

My closest friends and family do not know....and I feel bad....but I am soo afraid of rejection....

My car has been in the shop again since wednesday and they don't even have the decency to tell me what is wrong with it.

In my closest group of friends that don't know there is a guy that has been kinda flirting with me and seems to like me.........and that upsets me cause come on it is not gonna go anywhere ....

gosh i need a drink..........

and that is another thing my friends have been giving me a hard time about...the fact that I do not drink any alcohol anymore....

everyone kinda picks on me and makes fun or gives me a hard time....and the sad part and the part that upsets me is that nobody even said ..why u not drinkin u pregnant?

nope apparently they just see me as a kidless party girl........sad sad

today is just not a happy day....

I am sooooooo scared what is gonna become of my life.

it seems like everytime a guy shows some kinda interest in me I start dreaming...dreaming of having a normal life. With a man...hopefully my kid or kids and a nice appartment or house....yeah dare I say it a family...

I feel soo stupid even writing that...

I love my friends but I think I was better of when I just stayed home alone

thanks

for all my supporter..(there is not many)
and well wishes thru this blog and email.

and best wishes and prayers to all with the same goal or other challenges in life.

thanks u all mean soooooo much to me.

Estrogen level good

so this morning I went in for another bloodtest and my nurse called me to tell me that now the level is great...at 72o

hmmm 720 absolutely means nothing to me...being infertile it would really help to be a doctor or / and a nurse so u know what people are talking about.

but i can always already hear it in my nurses voice if it is good or bad news.

So I was driving in my car smiling because it was good news but also with tears in my eyes because I am yet soooo close again....

and I am terrified of the what when not...I think I would just run away from my whole life with a broken heart...

happy thoughts...so yes I am excited ..tomorrow i will receive a phone call to let me know when transfer is...

Estrogen level too low

• Estrogen level too low..have to take extra pills
• lining looks good
• car in the shop again
• all my friends make plans for trips or vacations and I cannot commit because my life is in limbo
• hard not to stress when everything goes wrong
• need a vacation
• sooooooo tired
• waiting for a call from the clinic....some time next week transfer

life in limbo

for the past few days I have just felt semi happy but anxious and restless.
i am sooo tired of my life being in limbo....I am like on hold....in a waiting line....

always waiting...is it gonna happen or is it not.
I cannot plan anything....can't date ....heck I am afraid to even talk to guys...afraid that someone likes me and then I have to tell........

I just wanna be pregnant and then I will be seen as normal...then people will know why i do not drink...or why I stay away from guys....

Life in Limbo sucks so bad.............and it has been like this for 3 years..........

Sad to say my life was easier when I was drinking....I would forget...now it is always there.......I know that makes me sound pathetic....but that is how I feel....that is what is my life or what has become of it....

so and now that I am a little depressed it is time for some form of exercise to get me some happy hormones...sigh

good mood continues

So I am still in a good mood.....
but I am worried the donor needs more lupron...not sure what that means.
Communication with the clinic sucks....

Everyone in my current group of friends is planning gettaways to the coast or to Vegas....and everyone wants me to go and I keep telling them I don't know.
they do not know about this project of mine. They are already wondering why I am not drinking alcohol....I just told them i have been drinking to much this year and they I will not drink any alcohol until the end of the year.

It's been odd to hang out with all my friends and not drink.
Lol I can be so boring when sober.

So I guess I will just have to wait and see if I can go on any trips....and how my friends accept the pregnant me...

and if not.....if it does not work again I have no idea what to do or how I will react....i am deathly afraid to think about it

I am just glad that i am finally in a better mood...it helps a lot.
I am sure being positive helps.

So for now I am just trying to keep it calm and happy...that should keep me busy...smile

finally in a better mood

so yesterday i was in a good mood for the first time in like almost 3 weeks...horrible...

not much is new...doing the patches....

have a hard time communicating with the clinic as usual...very frustrating....

cleaned all day...had been so lazy and miserable that I had not done anything in weeks....

now I am tired and I think I am gonna treat myself to a new dress. Why?

Just for the heck of it....

I am practicing not to curse....not easy for someone who is a expert user of the f-word...lol

Gosh there is so much more stuff i wanted to do today and I am already running out of steam and energy....but at least i have got a lot accomplished so i should be happy with that.

and to top it off

And to top off my wonderful week I somehow did something to cause myself a migraine yesterday. I did not sleep all night...my head hurt so bad I could not have it touch the pillow. At 3 am

I was in so much pain and I was sooo desperate to feel better that I almost called 911. Instead I cried myself to sleep.

Then I woke up and my stomach was all messed up. wow I cannot remember the last time i felt sooo bad.

I had to call in to work and miss out on overtime. I sat in the dark all day.

I am kinda okay now but I am exhausted and drained.

Wow what a week.

I can only hope that next week will be better...I mean come on can it get much worse?

reading my hand

the other day someone wanted to read my hand....I was soo deathly afraid that he would say that I will never have children that I told him that I don't want my hand read...everyone one of my friends had theirs read.

I was toooooooo freaking scared....I am not in to public meltdowns....

and so on and on and on and on

so I have not heard about my car that is in the shop...guess they think I can afford a rental car forever....I already worked almost 70 hrs this week to keep above water.....

I got a restaurant I ate at fucking with my credit card and i got a ticket because I parked my rental on the curb a bit....WTF

And I figured out that when I got my meds about a week and a half ago I forget to put one of the meds in to the fridge...so I prpbably can't use them now.

I have never been this unorganized...frazzled and stupid and tired in my life.

I am failing on all levels........people tell me stuff and I cannot remember they ever did....I am like sooooo out of it it is not even funny

How not to stress...

when

• u get screwed at work after working there for decades
• your car brakes down twice in a week
• u are paying for a rental car
• u gained 10 lbs in 2 weeks
• u can't go to the bathroom

I am not looking for stress....but I am being dealt a crappy hand this week and I have had about all I can hadle...

And I have a sono appointment this morning and I started my period and I am not sure if I am supposed to have one....first one in about 60 days.

i wanna lay in bed and cry alll day and I can't/

It's my best friends birthday and I have to fake a happy face all day....sigh

wondering if I will ever suceed...

and if I don't suceed...is it my fault?
am I doing everything right? do I eat ealthy?
Do I not exercise enhough?
Do I stress too much?

should I pray?

I am soooo overwhelmed

creating a baby

sucks....
when I started this I wanted a baby to look like me ....knowing that it has nothing from me.
Now I have a blonde egg donor (needless to say I am not anywhere near blonde, and don't even like blonde). So I am looking for a sperm donor with dark and curly hair...it is very frustrating.
What if I picked to people that make an ugly baby?

I am looooooooooooosing it....this all sux.....sigh

updates

• doing Lupron shots
• first time ever in my life had a credit card decline
• over 20.000 in debt now
• gained 7 lbs in 2 weeks
• haven't been swimming in over a week
• trying to eat healthy

Well those where the highlights and thoughts of the past few weeks.

One major thing that I have to figure out until Friday is a new sperm donor. the last one is retired and the two back up ones not available. So by Friday I have to pick 3 new ones. Yet just another dagger thrown in my way. I am trying to be more confident and more upbeat. But I am broke, tired and depressed and trying not to be. Yesterday I was driving to a relaxing BBQ with my friends and I was crying because my car is overheating...I have just had enough...I am tired I am done.....I can only take soo much.

I am already feeling guilty that I have been working some overtime and I am afraid it will not be good for me....I am psychically tired and mentally tired...I am just tired...

So today I am gonna try to find new sperm donors....yeah

this is all so stressingly tired depressingly weird

so chin up...and keep going