sigh

Today is my first day of in two weeks and I woke up at 6am because I forgot to turn off my alarm. And then of course I could not go back to sleep. And I already feel like crap early in the morning. Yeah!!!
My place needs lots of TLC and lotsa cleaning but I already feel tired and without energy.
Oh and I am tired of blogging or talking about it too....so I am gonna go have another cup of decaf and hope for a better mood........sigh

still discouraged and don't know anymore

Well I am very discouraged with this whole "s..t".
My temperature chart for this month is all screwed up and I am very sure I did not ovulate. I am so in tune with this whole ovulation thing and temperature thing now that I noticed right away. Plus I had some hot flashes again so now I am afraid that all my hard work with acupuncture was for the birds. And I am supposed to see my nurse at the clinic when I get my period to test to see about my FSH level. Well if I don't ovulate I am sure that is gonna be high again too. I am so frustrated my last three cycles were so perfect looking.
Now I am all freaked out that it may have to do with all the overtime and crazy ours I have worked this month. And all I try to do is just pay of all my debt from the medical bills, fertility clinic and acupuncture.
And I cancelled my appointment with my psychiatrist.
I just got tired of talking about myself plus going there also made me realize I obviously have some more issues than just my obvious one. And talking about me and my screwed up life just made me more miserable.

Right now I just feel like a hamster in one of those wheels. I keep running and going and I am just not getting anywhere.

I am almost ready to give up......

not even shopping makes me happy, I just take stuff back.

still blue

...still feeling blue

and can't shake it.

struggling with my infertility

I am not sure what has changed but I am struggling with everything all of a sudden.
Maybe my little vacation let me see that every one else in my family is normal, or what I consider normal. Married with kids. Sigh. I just feel like my life sucks big time. And I am tired of coping and smiling and telling myself it will ab be okay and worth while.

I thought I had made such great progress. But now I am scared that I may not have. I have been charting my cycle for months now. And when I called my clinic to make an appointment to do some tests to see if my own eggs are gonna work there was a big confusion and I realized I am just a number to them and they had no idea who I was it seemed. That really threw me for a loop. But my psychiatrist which works with the clinic says she has a lot of people complaining about that so it is not just me.
Anyways they do not care about any charts or any progress with acupuncture or anything they are gonna just have me come in on the second day of my period and that will determine how my life continues....I hate it....even my psychiatrist said to be prepared for the bad news to think that my own eggs won't work....well great

Plus my sessions with psychiatrist used to make me feel better, more energized more happy but now i am starting to realize that there is a whole lot more shit wrong with me than just my fertility issues and now i dread going because it makes me more sad and depressed. All stuff I don't wanna think or talk about that gets tied in now.
I just am at a point where I am not as strong as I thought I was and I just wanna crumble on the floor and cry and don't get up for days.

this is one of the times I wish I had someone to shares this with.

Ahhhh gosh.......my life just sucks.....sigh

still here

So I am back from a little vacation....back to work back to stress and back to what is my life.
I guess I am getting ready to make an appointment with my clinic to see how my stuff is doing. I am tired, I am scared and I just don't wanna think about my issues....I am tired on putting my life on hold....I wanna go on.....gosh I am grumpy today....
well I will be better tomorrow......