Freaking out a bit!

This week I got some bad news about my mom...she had a little health scare.
She is so healthy and she exercises...this really freaked me out.
And now I feel a new urgency about getting pregnant....I want my parents to have a grandchild.
I want them to see them grow up.

I feel like crap.

But I am smiling, my cold, my bad news and all.
I will just keep going......I will be okay

Got a lil cold

I have a cold and it is throwing of my temperature and it is making me feel like shooot.But I got some herbal drops to make me feel better and I am drinking tea with honey.Just my sinus headache is getting to me and I can't tap that one away I found out today.Only normal headaches...lol and I thought I was doing something wrong.

tapping

My acupuncturist has recently showed me how to tap away a headache.
And it worked for me when I tried it. But this week I have been extremely tired and finally came down with a little bit of a cold accompanied with a headache. I tried tapping and taking all positive but I guess I could not get my brain to believe me.
I also did some research on the net and found a really helpful website.

www.tapping.com

Turns out everything in your life is better when you are more positive.
I gotta really work on this and the relaxing part...so I can finally sleep.
I thought I was a lot more positive and a lot more easy going....but I still
have trouble sleeping.....or getting relaxed enough to go to sleep.

So I am a work in progress....and I am not giving up.

I was thinking .....

that even if acupuncture does not make me pregnant with my own eggs I still am in a better place than I was last year at this time.

I am more positive, I have less stress, I have way less headaches and migraines and I am not just angry and bitter about my situation.

It makes my life better ....and that is good.

still doing good

So my acupuncturist is not worried about my slightly confusing temperature chart.

He is confident that i am doing good. And so am I.

Hey I have seen so many positive changes in my body.......so I know acupuncture is working.

I am very confident about my treatments.

And I really feel good. I am a lot less stressed.

so maybe I did not ovulate...sigh

Well today entered my temperatures for the last two days in my temp. chart and yesterday my temperature was too low and then high again today...so now my chart shows I did not ovulate.....well damned.

Plus when it said I ovulated I did not feel anything...but yesterday and today I felt some tweaking so I am not sure what's going on....sigh

but heck I will ovulate I don't care when.

Positive!!!! is my motto and I try to hold on to it! SMILE

I am mostly a veteran Barbie....lol

Many thanks to the comments I get.
I used to think I am the only one, so much felt like a freak of nature. Is it me or have there been more pregnant people in 2007 then ever before. Hell they are everywhere. When someone at work announced they are pregnant I kept "this smile" pasted to my face until it hurt and then went to the bathroom to have a mini nervous breakdown, but not enough so that people could not tell.
Heck I felt like I lost the ability of being happy for people I just hated them. Hey and then there were a few celebs my age like Jennifer Lopez or Halle Berry that did not have kids yet.
Now these traders are pregnant too....lol

I have gotten a little better ....I do not hate all pregnant people any more.....sigh
I am happy for them.......but a little sad always.
I always feel like I am gonna be the only one left.
So all the comments or references to other sites I get do help. This blog...just writing about it has helped and if it just helps one other person to not feel like a freak or "The only One" then I feel good.

So here is a site that was suggested to me. THANKS Anonymous!!!! I love it.
Boy that lady went thru a looooooooooooooooong time of trying....holy crab!!!
Makes me depressed...sigh


http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/2004/05/ivf_barbie.html


So I am a veteran Barbie. But I refuse to ever have gray hair....and although I have put on some weight I will not do the stretch pants.

Yeah I have my ups and downs but I have a few perky girly moments left...hehe

Oh and Anonymous don't give up.....we gotta think positive!!!! Even if it hurts...hehehe

Apparently,according to my acupuncturist, our brains are smarter than we are. If we think negative our brain picks that up and runs with it. Yesterday he explained to me that when I have a headache and think : Oh shit this really sucks I hate my headache, that makes your brain pick up only the negatives and that makes it worse.
Well holy crab I have been giving myself headaches and migraines for over 20 years. LOL
So he showed me several points to tap in my face and then I have to say that I do accept my headache and don't say anything negative. So I tried it yesterday and it worked....genius.
I feel like I gained a life couch too.

So since I am a Capricorn I am unfortunately a pessimist....but hey I am teaching this ol' dog new tricks....So I am trying to be all positive and if it kills me....hehe

Also what I have found helpful in my struggles is Guided Imagery that my psychiatrist suggested. Sometimes they make me cry but mostly they make be better.
They are by Belleruth Naparstek

http://www.healthjourneys.com/

There is one CD series for coping with infertility. It is very calming although I have issues with relaxing...
Next I wanna get the one for sleep...need that one.

Also what I try to do positive for me is instead of just paying of my fertility bills .....I now also treat myself every now and then with a manicure or pedicure...going shopping for some cute top to make me feel like the woman I still am...although I don't feel it all the time.

So I am trying and like I said before I am stronger than I thought I was.

I ROCK....lol

yeah I ovulated today

My fertility chart says that I ovulated. And my temperature stayed above the line for 3 days.

This is so great. And I am feeling well. Acupuncture has helped me so much in my life.
I have more energy...not all the time but I have good or great days.
I used to have headaches 3-4 times a week because of stress and now I have them every few months. And I have not had a migraine since I started treatments.
All I need to do now is get my sleeping under control...right now it takes me hours to fall asleep.
So hopefully that will be the next step.

Things are good.

my plans for this year

My plans for this year are still getting pregnant.
For now the acupuncture thing is working. I had not produced cervical fluids before ovulation in a while ( and I feel like a complete idiot for never noticing) and now I am....boy was I excited...(stupid I know)
So now I know this is working. I also feel like a woman again. Very nice.
All in all I am very confident in the acupuncture treatments.
Next is ...ovulation...then I will go back to my fertility center and have them run tests to see if my eggs are working and then ....I would try to get pregnant on my own with my own eggs..
I think realistically I would try that 2-3 times....and then go back to egg donation.
At least I would know that I tried my best with my own good ol eggs.
I just could not go on with egg donation w/o trying this out first.
We shall see....what happens.
I will be writing about it

sigh....

Today I have a headache....and since I have been doing acupuncture I do not have headaches anymore...(I used to have one 4 days a week)
This is my first one in months and I think I am being a baby...but It never went away not even with IB-profin....sigh
Well the good news is that there will be another day tomorrow and I probably will not have a headache..........yeah

I recently browsed some blogs and found several where people take a new picture every day or post an old one. So I decided that that is an awesome idea and started another blog doing just that. To me it is kinda a commitment to doing something and it is kinda a positive thing to do so I wanted to try it and hopefully stick with it.

sigh

Although I have not ovulated yet, I feel positive.
I still feel different and it is nice.
I feel like a teenager that just discovered boys. In my job I see a lot of people every day.
And for the past year I barely noticed if a guy was cute or did not care at all.
My co-worker had to nudge me to take a second look. Now all of a sudden I have a little
radar and see cute guys everywhere. And I smile and I flirt. Gosh I missed this.
Feeling good and feeling like a woman and flirting....sigh
Yes I know I sound like an idiot but that is really who it is.
Very strange.

Heck I am almost kinda happy!!!

I am excited!!

Well things are happening now...my fertility temperature chart is looking better and I can feel my body changing.....it is weird and I cannot explain it.
BUT I just know I am gonna ovulate this month.....I have so much hope now and I am not afraid to hope and I refuse to think negative...

yes I am excited....Today for the first time in a long time I feel like a woman....
not like a broken has-been woman....
heck I may even flirt with a guy tomorrow.....grin

With all my female faults I have just felt broken and damaged and now I feel like a woman again as stupid as this may sound.

Well we shall see.

I feel better and stronger then I have in a long time.

I have been thinking about getting a new tattoo. A Chinese symbol for strength
because I sure have more than I ever thought I would.

I am actually proud of myself. YES I AM

.

feeling bummed today

don't know what's wrong with me today...I don't feel like getting out of my pyjamas, haven't washed my face or brushed my teeth.....laid in bed till 11am now I have been sitting on the couch all day watching the Hallmark channel and goofing of on the computer.
Usually I go to lunch with a friend and a little window shopping....she has not called me back so I feel like I have no reason to get up.
Too lazy to do laundry, to lazy to do anything at all.
This sucks.
Not sure what the heck is with me today.
jeeeez

hmmmmm

Well I am not feeling so cheery!
I am always tired, I am struggling with exercising.
And I am still eating healthy but I gained weight after my PMS/Period time.
Weird.
ahhh well few pounds up or down....does not make much difference.
I can't seem to loose more than 5 lbs any more.

Well I got an acupuncture appointment tomorrow so we will have to tweak
this weeks issues....lol

Heck I am soooo tired today....its 8pm and I am going to bed to read or watch
a movie.

My birthday was good

My birthday was good.

I spent half the day at the spa. Yes I splurged on me....for once.

I ate at my favorite restaurant and had drinks with a friend.

So it went well.

I am finally over another round of PMS and cramps from hell.

Thank goodness I was not on overtime so I did not have to suck it up

and go to work, I just stayed home. It was such a relief since nobody at

work ever cuts me any slack if I am not feeling well.

Well for once I was selfish and took care of myself and did not care who

I leave struggling at work, nobody worries about me when I am there and

am cpmpletely miserable and can barely stand straight.

No more of that when I am not on overtime.

I cannot always worry about others...I need to be more selfish.

Lol

Today I am slowly gonna do some chores and then hopefully grab some

lunch with a friend.

So life is going okay.