Okay the waiting and the stress at work is getting to me.

The goals they give us at work....are insane.

So while I am in debt up to my ears with my egg donation-baby-project I now I have to reach certain goals at work or I will get written up or fired. And management tells ya not to worry. Well I kinda do have to worry but they don't know that.

I have not been drinking any alcohol or caffeine in about 5 weeks but boy today I just feel like getting drunk.

But I had some chocolate milk instead. Sigh.

I wanna be healthy. So I try to eat all my fruits and veggies and lotsa milk and cheese. So far so good but for stress I need chocolate now.

Now helping my weight but who cares I wanna be pregnant.

Tonight I will put 3 more Estrogen patches on. And this week I have not been bothered by any more stomach pains or headaches. I have been trying to find egg donation calendars online to see about how long it takes until my donor is ready for the egg donation and to see when they might possibly fertilize the eggs. But they all vary. So I am just gonna have to be patient and wait......sigh

Still waiting

Still waiting for news from my nurse.

Well my body must be used to the Estrogen now. I am wearing 3 patches and I have not had any stomach cramps or severe headaches like before.

I think work gave me a headache today. I am trying to stay positive and in a good mood and good spirits because I believe that will help me if I do get pregnant. But boy working with ignorant people all day that do not care about their job its not easy!

I am wondering if all this hormone stuff makes me grumpy and more aggravated with morons?

Sigh.......probably not helping.

Well and waiting for the next step has me kinda on edge too. The only thing that keeps me going is anything that has chocolate in it.......

More patches

Today I have to put on three patches. And I am scared because I got really sick after putting on one twice. So I am a little worried.

Hmmm!

Today I have had a bad day. Trouble at work. Plus my hair looks ugly and I am getting bigger by the day and am not even pregnant yet.

It just makes me angry. I just had one of these days were I just felt ugly and fat and even just thought my hair looked bla and my face old.

Am I getting too many hormones?

Wow....

I was gonna change my hair color or get some highlights but then I figured I better not in case the color does not mix well with all the medication......hey ya never know!

So now I have my 3 patches on and am waiting to see how bad I am going to feel.

Okay so I am just gonna do some things around the house and try some light exercise to take my mind of every thing....I am stressing and I hate waiting.

So I am gonna chill and put on a smile and I am going to have a great day tomorrow!

I am restless!

I am very restless. I realized today that I am now just waiting. Waiting is hard for me, I am not a very patient person....sigh
I am done with the Lupron shots and am just taking the Estrogen patches and am waiting till my nurse will call me and tell me when I am ready for transfer.
This is weird. I wonder what the donor is going thru. And the other recipient. I am doing an shared egg donor program. Wonder what they are thinking, wonder how they are feeling.
hmmmm

Side effects

Current mood.........bitchy

Wow these patches have some serious side effects.

I have never had stomach cramps this bad. This is kinda scary.

I feel like my insides are dying

BUT

I keep reminding myself this is all getting me ready for a baby.

So I keep my heating pad close and try to be a trooper.

and keep on smiling......

Well a lot of things have happend. I have been getting the Lupron shots now for two weeks almost and I started Estrogen patches yesterday.
I was so deathly afraid of the shots. For the first 2 days I went to the clinic and had them do it for me. I had even changed my schedule at work so I can go there every morning. But then this really nice nurse practiced with me and helped me so after 3 days I could do it on my own.....I was so amazed and proud of my self. Now I get up at 6:30 am every morning and do my own shot. I never in a million years thought I would be able to do that.
So now I just have to wait for another phone call from my nurse to tell me when the donor is ready. I am very excited but I try to also be prepared for the whole thing to fail...that used to freak me out badly. It am afraid I am gonna have a breakdown or something but I am getting more confident and I know I can always try again.
So I am trying to stay calmer and not stress over everything so much.
I am slowly getting used to the owing money part.
I can sleep at night now w/o worrying how to pay it back.

So I am confident and excited

Stopped panicking........almost gave up

Okay so today I talked to my nurse. And I stopped freaking out. After seeing my medication yesterday and all the syringes I almost passed out. I drove to work this morning all pissed off and crying. I guess I was mad at the world for having to do this.

I was ready to call my clinic and tell them to forget it and that I cannot do this.

Then I talked to my nurse. ....and I swear the woman is an angel, within 2 minutes she had me calmed down and told me not to worry and that I will be okay and that she will be there with me all the way. So I am better and just gonna wait for my appointment next week. Sigh

Today I got all my medications per FEDEX.

Boy did I freak out when I saw them.

All I saw was needles, which I am deathly afraid off.

I have doubts if I can do this. I have had a needle phobia all my life.

And now I am supposed to inject myself?

I could pass out just thinking about it.

Well the nurse assigned to me said she is gonna teach me.

Good Luck to both of us.

I wish I could hire someone to do that I am so scared.

Well we shall see how it goes.

I have my last appointment before we start in a week.

Paid for my donor today.

I had to pick 3. Which I did over 4 months ago and found out today

that two are inactive now.

But my favorite is still available. Well lets see what happens.

Not sure if I have to search again and find two more.

stressing again....sigh

Today I am excited and scared. Tuesday I am gonna put myself about $ 13.000 in debt.

Wow I cannot sleep if I owe a thousand on my credit card.

This is hard.....

I feel like I have not slept since I got my date told when I start with all the medications.

Oh and they will be here on Tuesday. They cost me $ 1000 for the donor. But thank goodness

my insurance paid for most of mine.

I keep on thinking that owing money is what freaks me out but in a way I think I am also scared of having a baby by myself and afraid that it fails and I owe all that money and got nothing to show for and I will probably have a lil nervous brakedown.

Well I better chill with all the thinking so I can get a good nights sleep

Hi!

My blog name is Savannah. I am on a journey to have what comes so easily to most people or so it seems. I just want to have a child. I used to think that I have all the time in the world. So I dated of and on trying to find prince charming. My Gynecologist always told me that I am so perfectly fine and my body is ready. Until I found out last year that I am in the early stages of menopause and that my own eggs cannot produce a child. So I was angry, pissed and you name it. So I went to a Fertility clinic and was introduced to the option of egg donation. It so freaked me out for at least the first to months that I would have a child by donated eggs from some woman and sperm from some guy. But given that this is my only chance I started the process.
They sent me to a Therapist to see if I am emotionally stable for this journey. She found me sane enough to do this. But after loosing two donors already I was beginning to think maybe I am not meant to have children. Although I don't believe that.
Now in about two weeks I am starting the process and I felt I have not slept in days. I am scared. Not sure why? I hate owing money and I am scared of needles.
But I am trying to be strong.
Tuesday all my medications will get here in the mail and I will know it is for real.
I have tried to find support groups but am not crazy about any of them on the net.
I am hoping writing stuff down like I did in my journal when I was a teenager will help