thanks

for all my supporter..(there is not many)
and well wishes thru this blog and email.

and best wishes and prayers to all with the same goal or other challenges in life.

thanks u all mean soooooo much to me.

Estrogen level good

so this morning I went in for another bloodtest and my nurse called me to tell me that now the level is great...at 72o

hmmm 720 absolutely means nothing to me...being infertile it would really help to be a doctor or / and a nurse so u know what people are talking about.

but i can always already hear it in my nurses voice if it is good or bad news.

So I was driving in my car smiling because it was good news but also with tears in my eyes because I am yet soooo close again....

and I am terrified of the what when not...I think I would just run away from my whole life with a broken heart...

happy thoughts...so yes I am excited ..tomorrow i will receive a phone call to let me know when transfer is...

Estrogen level too low

• Estrogen level too low..have to take extra pills
• lining looks good
• car in the shop again
• all my friends make plans for trips or vacations and I cannot commit because my life is in limbo
• hard not to stress when everything goes wrong
• need a vacation
• sooooooo tired
• waiting for a call from the clinic....some time next week transfer

life in limbo

for the past few days I have just felt semi happy but anxious and restless.
i am sooo tired of my life being in limbo....I am like on hold....in a waiting line....

always waiting...is it gonna happen or is it not.
I cannot plan anything....can't date ....heck I am afraid to even talk to guys...afraid that someone likes me and then I have to tell........

I just wanna be pregnant and then I will be seen as normal...then people will know why i do not drink...or why I stay away from guys....

Life in Limbo sucks so bad.............and it has been like this for 3 years..........

Sad to say my life was easier when I was drinking....I would forget...now it is always there.......I know that makes me sound pathetic....but that is how I feel....that is what is my life or what has become of it....

so and now that I am a little depressed it is time for some form of exercise to get me some happy hormones...sigh

good mood continues

So I am still in a good mood.....
but I am worried the donor needs more lupron...not sure what that means.
Communication with the clinic sucks....

Everyone in my current group of friends is planning gettaways to the coast or to Vegas....and everyone wants me to go and I keep telling them I don't know.
they do not know about this project of mine. They are already wondering why I am not drinking alcohol....I just told them i have been drinking to much this year and they I will not drink any alcohol until the end of the year.

It's been odd to hang out with all my friends and not drink.
Lol I can be so boring when sober.

So I guess I will just have to wait and see if I can go on any trips....and how my friends accept the pregnant me...

and if not.....if it does not work again I have no idea what to do or how I will react....i am deathly afraid to think about it

I am just glad that i am finally in a better mood...it helps a lot.
I am sure being positive helps.

So for now I am just trying to keep it calm and happy...that should keep me busy...smile

finally in a better mood

so yesterday i was in a good mood for the first time in like almost 3 weeks...horrible...

not much is new...doing the patches....

have a hard time communicating with the clinic as usual...very frustrating....

cleaned all day...had been so lazy and miserable that I had not done anything in weeks....

now I am tired and I think I am gonna treat myself to a new dress. Why?

Just for the heck of it....

I am practicing not to curse....not easy for someone who is a expert user of the f-word...lol

Gosh there is so much more stuff i wanted to do today and I am already running out of steam and energy....but at least i have got a lot accomplished so i should be happy with that.

and to top it off

And to top off my wonderful week I somehow did something to cause myself a migraine yesterday. I did not sleep all night...my head hurt so bad I could not have it touch the pillow. At 3 am

I was in so much pain and I was sooo desperate to feel better that I almost called 911. Instead I cried myself to sleep.

Then I woke up and my stomach was all messed up. wow I cannot remember the last time i felt sooo bad.

I had to call in to work and miss out on overtime. I sat in the dark all day.

I am kinda okay now but I am exhausted and drained.

Wow what a week.

I can only hope that next week will be better...I mean come on can it get much worse?

reading my hand

the other day someone wanted to read my hand....I was soo deathly afraid that he would say that I will never have children that I told him that I don't want my hand read...everyone one of my friends had theirs read.

I was toooooooo freaking scared....I am not in to public meltdowns....

and so on and on and on and on

so I have not heard about my car that is in the shop...guess they think I can afford a rental car forever....I already worked almost 70 hrs this week to keep above water.....

I got a restaurant I ate at fucking with my credit card and i got a ticket because I parked my rental on the curb a bit....WTF

And I figured out that when I got my meds about a week and a half ago I forget to put one of the meds in to the fridge...so I prpbably can't use them now.

I have never been this unorganized...frazzled and stupid and tired in my life.

I am failing on all levels........people tell me stuff and I cannot remember they ever did....I am like sooooo out of it it is not even funny

How not to stress...

when

• u get screwed at work after working there for decades
• your car brakes down twice in a week
• u are paying for a rental car
• u gained 10 lbs in 2 weeks
• u can't go to the bathroom

I am not looking for stress....but I am being dealt a crappy hand this week and I have had about all I can hadle...

And I have a sono appointment this morning and I started my period and I am not sure if I am supposed to have one....first one in about 60 days.

i wanna lay in bed and cry alll day and I can't/

It's my best friends birthday and I have to fake a happy face all day....sigh

wondering if I will ever suceed...

and if I don't suceed...is it my fault?
am I doing everything right? do I eat ealthy?
Do I not exercise enhough?
Do I stress too much?

should I pray?

I am soooo overwhelmed

creating a baby

sucks....
when I started this I wanted a baby to look like me ....knowing that it has nothing from me.
Now I have a blonde egg donor (needless to say I am not anywhere near blonde, and don't even like blonde). So I am looking for a sperm donor with dark and curly hair...it is very frustrating.
What if I picked to people that make an ugly baby?

I am looooooooooooosing it....this all sux.....sigh

updates

• doing Lupron shots
• first time ever in my life had a credit card decline
• over 20.000 in debt now
• gained 7 lbs in 2 weeks
• haven't been swimming in over a week
• trying to eat healthy

Well those where the highlights and thoughts of the past few weeks.

One major thing that I have to figure out until Friday is a new sperm donor. the last one is retired and the two back up ones not available. So by Friday I have to pick 3 new ones. Yet just another dagger thrown in my way. I am trying to be more confident and more upbeat. But I am broke, tired and depressed and trying not to be. Yesterday I was driving to a relaxing BBQ with my friends and I was crying because my car is overheating...I have just had enough...I am tired I am done.....I can only take soo much.

I am already feeling guilty that I have been working some overtime and I am afraid it will not be good for me....I am psychically tired and mentally tired...I am just tired...

So today I am gonna try to find new sperm donors....yeah

this is all so stressingly tired depressingly weird

so chin up...and keep going

tired

I am soooo tired....sono tomorrow...always scared....sono's terrify me...so many times bad news...

thank goodness I am tired and gonna sleep like dead...

another week closer

so next week I have a sono before starting meds...and i get to pay another $ 13.000 Dollars...anxious about both...

but excited and ready to go....trying to eat healthy which is hard when I am on birth control cuase that shit makes me eat like a horse and crave shitty foods.

Nevertheless I am trying....i eat healthy but way too much...sigh
but I can handle one more week of it..

Little worried about being in debt that far but I will get over it.

oh I can do it....yes I am excited....just tired

excited and depressed

So I am really excited...my meds are ordered and I have another sono next week before starting meds. I am not drinking alcohol, I am eating healthy and I exercise every day.

I have just been working a lot to make some extra money. I have to ask my nurse if that is bad.

And my friends are all making plans for trips in September and November they wanna include me in....what if i am pregnant by then an cannot go...i feel soooo bad for excluding everyone....

but oh well....we shall see how they will react when they find out.

Starting over....round 2

So I never had a period but they said it does not matter. I was fixing to have one because i felt like crap. But they put me on birth control instead. And it is already giving me headaches.
So I got a brand new plan....end of august new transfer.

I stopped drinking alcohol, any caffeine....and I am trying to eat lots of fruits and veggies or more than usual at least. I am going swimming every day and I try to have no stress.....

I am scared and excited....

deap breath....I can do this

still waiting

for my period...never thought at one point in my life I would be waiting for this shit.

I am scared....what if I won't have one.....this is soooo crazy.

I am very depressed and discouraged

PMSing

and being very negative...whiny...cry-ish and impossible.

• wondering if there is an end to this
• wondering if anyone ever died of hotflashes or if I will be the first
• wondering if I will ever find happiness
• wondering how much longer I can handle this
• wondering how much more I can take

going to sleep and hoping for a better day tomorrow....and a better mood

starting over

so I have been too lazy, too tired and too hot and frustrated to update.
The bump on my hip is finally getting better and stopped itching and hurting like crap. I also finally got word from the clinic....the new donor passed and we are starting over....waiting for period again...yeah

I am not really excited I am scared to fail again and be over $ 20.000 in debt.

yes in a way I am excited but I try not to get giddy.
So we shall see I am anxious for sure.