2nd doctors appointment

and how dissapointing...all they did is take my blood pressure, make me pee in a cup, weighed me and listend to my babys heartbeat real quick.

heartbeat 140 ...very good

then I threw a few questions at the nurse practioner and I was outta there...

sigh

I had a notbook with half a page of questions...I wanted to be talked to....I wanted to get an ultrasound with a new baby pic.....sigh
I felt a little bit neglected and like I had gotten some real bad customer service....

Is it me? or is that normal?

sigh

oh and I can eat beef jerkey....yeah...my new and almost only source of protein

had a good day yesterday

so yesterday I had a good day and went to see my friends in the evening. First time in like 2+ months. It felt nice to get dressed up and put make up on and hang with people I have not seen in sooo long.

I hope to have more days like that now.....I even had some pizza yesterday....yummi

bassinets or cribs

hmmmm

so I finally allowed myself to look at baby stuff at target the other day.

And I was thoroughly overwhelmed with strollers, cribs and stuff.

Wow...I was confused.

So for the past few days I did some online research and browsing and came to the conclusion that I wanna get a bassinet and then a crib. This all is not easy if you don't know if it is a baby girl or a baby boy. And in my case I do not wanna know..So starting of with a neutral bassinet seems reasonable and then I can go nuts in boy or girl pattern after the baby outgrows the bassinet.

I am so glad I have a savings account just for baby stuff so I can go a little crazy.

so here is my for now choice for a bassinet:

Nausea, headaches and now throwing up .....where is my honeymoon phase everyone has been telling me about?

I am supposed to be happy

....but I am too miserable to feel happy.
Most of my so called friends have all but abandonded me because I can never go anywhere....my mom thinks I am stupid for having a child and now being broke.
and i thought if all fails I could move in with her but i did not exactly get an invite....she is not at all excited about me being pregnant....I left that phone call in tears.......
My plan was to go home if i cannot make it alone here...wow now i am gonna be a broke homeless mom...yeah

things that I try not to worry about because I have not worked out the details people bug me about....good god I just wanted a baby before it is too late...is that so freaking hard to understand...I don't need a plan.....

i had a plan 16 years ago...I got married...moved to a foreign country, gave up an awesome job and planned on being a wife and mom...two years later i was divorced and stuck in a foreign country.
So no ...f-word no....I do not have a plan....

why can't I have a f-wording mom that gives a shit?

god i just wanna break down and cry
i feel so alone like nobody understands why i did this and why this means so much to me...and why i am in debt and did not care how this is all gonna work out....

is it so hard to understand? am I crazy?

Just had to throw up for the first time....hope that was just a fluke...sigh

feeling left behind and alone

so all my friends or what I thought were my friends are leaving me behind.
No messages on FB, no texting, no calls....seems if you feel like shit for 8 weeks it is your fault that u cannot hang out with them.
Ahhh a little compassion and the occasional how are u and do u need any help would be nice. I have two people taking care of my cats litter box because I am not allowed to. Well one promised me to do it today...but I have not heard from her and I am not gonna call and beg...guess i am gonna go later on and buy litter box number 3. And then worry about it in a few days again.
this sucks.....
everyone was all like I am so there for you if you need something....okay so am I supposed to beg for help or could someone ask?

jeeeez

it seems like people forget you if u can't go drinking and hanging out with them.
well at least I know where i stand....good to know and makes some of my decisions about the future much easier.

questions

• prenatal vitamins $45 a month...do they have to be that expensive?...wow
• why are maternity clothes so freaking ugly?
• and who the heck wants to wear horizontal stripes to look even bigger?

baby update

yes i know this blog is about my road to get pregnant and now that I am pregnant I will not say anything about my baby.

It is kinda strange because I do not wanna talk or post about the baby. I am somehow afraid something is gonna happen.

Am I weird?

Anywhooo as of today I am 13 weeks and 5 days.

The little one is fine....mom still not....

I went to a specialist last week to check for down syndrome and birth defects...cause I am old...good thing the egg donor is young.

First round of tests everything is normal....I have two more in december.

I have tons of pics and even a little movie...I saw the baby move and kick and move his little mouth.

Oh and I got in to the habit of saying "HE" because I do not wanna say it.

So although I do no wanna find out if it is gonna be a boy or a girl I will say "HE" from now on.

Right now everything is going so slow while I feel so miserable.

I wanna feel kicking instead of nausea...I wanna start getting a belly and not just because I am constipated...lol....sigh

I wanna get to my honeymoon phase everyone keeps promising me.

sigh

This pic is at 11 weeks and 2 days at my last fertility clinic appointment when they woke him up and he started kicking his little legs out....

am I ever gonna feel human again?

I still feel nauseous pretty much all day long.
I now heave migraines and headaches.
And i keep gaining and loosing the same 6 lbs.
Eating is a task that I can hardly manage.
And everyone keeps telling me that I feel better soon....well...nice....
I can hardly wait....hope that happens soooooon...

I love food or I used to .....now i can't hardly eat anything

so at 12 weeks and 4 days I am waiting for the pleasures of the second trimester that everyone keeps telling me about