everything sucks

I have hot flashes again and wake up several times at night.
I sit in my car and cry like I used to...so now I don't wanna go anywhere.
I wanna go back to my hermit mode....but my friends won't understand.
then it is ...ah she is in a bad mood...being a bitch...

hell why do I even bother having friends or leaving the house...

I went to Target and there was nothing but women with babies or kids and I get this big lump in my throat and I have to hold it together not to cry.
I had all my feelings under control and now I am all messed up again. Hormones outta whack and I am turning into this pathetic person that cannot see kids and happy families...makes me sooo depressed.
I hate feeling like this it is sooooo pathetic.

gonna try exercise now to feel better.....lets hope it works

feeling alone & frustrated

no word from my clinic...left a message...missed a call...never heard from them again....left a message

the place frustrates me....

feeling alone or lonely or I don't know what today.
Just wish I would not be alone on my couch tonight....

feel like crying for no reason

this all sucks

no news

no news from the clinic...that place frustrates me to no end.......

do not think these people know what I am going thru here.

sigh

putting things into perspective

So I do whine a lot and feel sorry for myself that I am in this situation. And I wonder why god does me soo wrong and lets other people have 4-6 kids that they do not take care off.
A lot of times I think my life sucks so bad and I am so unlucky.

Well the other day a friend told me about a lady whose husband got mugged, then had an accident and lost his eye. Then her mother had a stroke, then her husband had a stroke and now she has breast cancer.

So I feel guilty for even complaining.

And this week one of my co-workers told me that he has prostate cancer.

And yet again I felt so bad for always complaining about my crappy life.

Maybe I should be thankful for all the things that are not wrong with me.
Well it certainly brings things into a new perspective for me. Although I sometimes feel like I'd rather be dead than have my life....I also know that I do not mean that.....so I am gonna try to whine less and make the best out of what I have been dealt with....it is not gonna be easy but I will try.

And me and god my not have the best connection right now but my prayers certainly go out to all the people that have it a lot worse than I do.

feeling better.....getting there

So I am slowly feeling better....
No more headaches....no more stomach cramps.
But I think i have some kinda hot flashes or heat waves or maybe it is just because it is a hundred degrees outside every day. LOL

My injection site is still badly inflamed and itches like crazy.
Not sure how I am ever gonna do that again. Sigh!

Today was the first day that I could finally completely relax and fall asleep at acupuncture. First time I relaxed in almost 3 weeks. So hopefully me and my body are going back to normal...

No news from the clinic...don't think that is good...
Donor should have passed psych eval. by now.
Hmmmm

Well for now I am just thankful that I am feeling better.

feeling a little better

so I have finally mastered my headache but now I got heartburn from hell.
Oh boy I am so looking forward to my acupuncture treatment tomorrow.
Hopefully I will be all fixed and feel better afterwards. The last few times that I went I could not relax and it sucked. So I need to learn to relax again.

I can't fall apart now...sigh

I need to relax and enjoy life again and step out of this mood.

things are not going well

wow....things really suck
I have had a headache now for about 2 weeks. Ever since I stopped taking all the meds.
Great!

And people that don't know about what I am doing and what I am going thru are taking offense to me not feeling good and being quiet.
They see it as in me being in a bad mood. So I am retreating in to hermit mode again. Best to stay away from people since my recent so called friends only like HAPPY PEOPLE...
It hurts but oh well.....I will get over it...I have to get over everything else as well.

Whatever does not kill me makes me stronger.

Although coming of these hormones and feeling like shit everyday and being in a bummed mood for no reason is wearing me down. I am tired. And I am tired of doing this all by myself.

Today is probably the one day in forever that i will admit i would like to have another person to share this with....someone that loves me.
ahhh...crap...there i said it.

lol

But I will get over it and I will feel better....and i will hear news from my clinic soon.

I will be fine....

feeling blah

So I am telling myself the reason I am not feeling well, have constant headaches and dizziness and hate being around people and am usually in a horrible mood is because I am still coming of all the hormones. Most people in my life do not know about my infertility adventures so all they see is someone that does not wanna hang out and have fun, they see someone in a bad mood.
But I just don't feel well and hate being around happy people with happy lives.

They don't know so they don't understand.
And I don't feel like telling them....so let them think I am a bitch and I am in a bad mood.

I think I am a little depressed too...I have been eating a lot.

But starting Monday I am going to exercise and I am going to eat healthy.
And no more caffeine...and probably no more bier...sigh...could really use it these days.

I am also sweating like crazy...guess I am sweating out that stuff too.
Sigh...not even with accupuncture i can relax right now.
nothing relaxes me...

ohhhh sigh.....I am hanging on..lets face it ...I CANNOT feel like shit forever.

haha

waiting again

and I don't like waiting.

Still coming of my hormones....always tired and depressed and moody.
And been eating way too much...stress? could be

My former injection site itches like crazy and still hurts. And the skin is peeling.

And I have constant headaches...dull headaches.

sometimes I wonder why I do this ...but then I remember

Is it worth it? God I hope so.

how many days can I have a horrible period?

well it turns out quite a few....I have now had cramps since Friday evening....and I don't think they have ever stopped.....i am nauseous and do not have the energy to get of the couch.
My head hurts and I am super dizzy.....

Dear God please make this stop I need to make it to the store somehow.
I cannot recall the last time i felt this horrible for so long.

feeling blue and like shit

So since my body skipped a period while trying to have a baby and being pumped full of estrogen and progesterone I am now having the period from hell of course...and I knew it was gonna happen.
My body just always pays me back like that.
I feel horrible. I have been nauseous for 2 days. I have cramps really bad and pain killers do not help. And it is so hot outside that I cannot even leave the house...I feel like I am gonna pass out.

And on top of already feeling bad I am in this horrible depressed mood, probably because I am coming of all these hormones.
I can hardly be around people because I am edgy, bitter, mean and wanna start a fight with everyone.

Awww it is horrible and I hope it goes away soon.

Sigh....I just wanna break down and cry for absolutely no reason.

I am okay

So Monday I got me some alcohol to numb my pain...and yesterday I got drunk.
Today I feel like shit. But I got it out of my system and will go back to no caffeine, no alcohol, healthy eating and just living healthy.

I got a call from the clinic today. They have a new egg donor for me.
Blonde and blue-eyed. Nothing like me but I said yest instantly because I am not picky no more like I was 3 years ago. I just want a healthy baby. I don't care if it looks nothing like me....Lotsa people have kids that look nothing like them.

I am calm and I am okay. I can do this I know I can.

mood: confident

Fail

so it did not happen...I hate to say it out loud but I am not pregnant.
So I gotta start allover.
So now I am having a pint of Smirnoff Ice.
Yes that is my immature way of dealing with this.
I am devastated but already planning on the next step..
I am gonna take two days to get drunk....then I will start allover..

I am still waiting for my nervous breakdown.
And on top of all of it i work with assholes...

yeah