I am still here...smile

So it has been a while since I posted.
And one thing I can never forget and is for always on my mind...my infertility.
You all may say: what is her problem she has a child, she reached her goal.
Yes that is very true and I am very happy with my little girlt
BUT
everytime I see some mommy from gym class or other kidde groups pregnant I
do so wish I could give my lil one a brother or sister.
Now I have become more tolerant around pregnant women...I used to strongly dislike
them for no reason at all...now I can at least tolerate them and I can talk to them about the baby.
I could not do that before only when I was pregnant.

So I think I will forever suffer from this...it will always spook around in my thoughts and for
always brake my heart...

yes that may sound stupid but that is how I feel.
And yes I am very happy nonetheless

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!

Hope everyone has a joyous and merry Holiday!
Enjoy!!!

so much new blogger stuff

So I haven't blogged a lot and just figured out u can do so much cool new stuff.

Thoughts on my new design?

oh and I added a new blog to my list to follow...

http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/heather/

Please check it out and thank you Heather for contacting me. I think you are an amazing woman and I know I would have loved to read your story when I was struggling.

I had a dream

So I had a dream ..........

and sometimes I still wake up and pinch myself. I realized some time this week

that I have done the right thing by moving half way accross the planet to raise my daughter near my whole family. I have given up a whole life and friends and a lot of stuff to do this.

But when I see my lil girl having fun with my family members I know I have done the right thing and I feel like I have arrived.

If she would have had to only be with me every day she would have been so bored.

Some days she sees 5 different members of my family and she so enjoys it. I am glad I did not rob

her of that. So seeing her soo happy makes me happy even when I am sometimes not.

So here I am....living my dream

thank you lord for the love of my life

feeling blue

My lil angel went without a nap today and went to sleep at 6pm and I have too much time to think. I miss Texas and all my friends...their lifes go on w/o me and I see pics and hear them tell me about it...and I am kinda sad and jealous...and even though I know if I would still live there I would not go out with them ...I would not leave my angel,..

but still I just feel like crying tonight....hopefully its just pms or I am tired

Honestly I would not want my life any other way...I got my lil angel and am very happy....guess I am just having an OFF day

intertility

is something u always live with even when u have reached your goal of having a baby.

a blog that helped me

the other day I thought of a blog that helped me and that I read on an almost daily basis.

And now I have not followed cause I am too busy and too tired at night

I used to always think that lady

is soo lucky but I now realize she had a much longer road than I had.

I need to read up

she and her blog were almost like my only friends in this for a long time

www.tertia.org

15 months old

and lots of times I still think I am dreaming.

I remember our first night in the hospital together. I could not sleep because I was afraid something would happen to her.

I was afraid to drive in a car with her or bring her around people...it gets better with time.

But I still check to hear her breathes if I watch TV and dont here lil baby sighs for a while.

I still worry.

But in a different way.

She is growing so fast...and wants to try different things every day.

And her momma wishes every day to see her at 6 weeks, 3 months or 9 months again.

Sigh

I am grateful every day for my lil angel

update

so my lil Faith now has 2 teeth and is crawling most of the time but robbing goes so much faster...

she says a handful of words....but tries to talk up a storm even using her hands like she has got this big story to tell...its too cute

and she is practicing throwing a fit when I tell her "no"...its funny and often I have to laugh...

I can not believe how big she has gotten...sometimes I still wanna pinch myself

hmmm

so I always thought that once I have my lil miracle I will be the happiest woman on earth.

And dont get me wrong...most days I am....but then I have days when I go to parks or public pools and see all the "real" families with the mommies and the daddies and I wonder if I am robbing my child of something.

Was it selfish to have a child by myself?

I hope she will never hate me for it....sigh

BUT then I see all the families that fall apart where the dad is a part time figure and that is even less pretty in my opinion...

Sometimes I wonder if it is a woman hormonal thing...that thing that we want more or different...

sometimes we just gotta sit down and think...and remind us again how good we got it...

my lil girl is growing up so fast

I remember the first night in the hospital ...I did not sleep I just stared at her all night...I was soooo afraid she was gonna be gone when I wake up or that something is gonna happen to her. The first week at home when we had trouble breast feeding or she would cry and I could not calm her down I cried with her and I promised her that we are gonna be okay and that I will always love her and that we are so gonna figure this out. And now she is standing up on everything and soon she will walk....sigh ...my lil tiny baby girl is a toddler now

no subject

Today I am soo very happy that someone that I am very close with found what possibly could be the man for the rest of her life...so excited for her....

BUT and I feel BAD ...I am thinking why could this not happen to me? what is wrong with me?
I feel horrible for being a but jealous...
I guess usually I am okay with the fact that I am apparently romatically challenged, but on some days it gets to me...especially when I am tired and did not have enough sleep cause my baby girl is teething....sigh

I need to shake this off or I will feel guilty for being jealous...

am I weird or is this normal?
sigh
But as I have done throughout this blog I will put my smile on and keep on going and try to be a better person.

babies are smart

yes they are...they are down right sneakey... My lil cute angel for example that is in the best of moods all day will cry and scream bloody murder as soon as I leave her room after putting her to bed. I thought I had gotten used to the crying and she was falling asleep sooner BUT now she has a new cry. One that goes straight to your heart. It sounds like something is seriously wrong with her. It makes u feel guilty for letting her cry, it makes u cry, it it it just gets to you...so now I am almost back to square one...I can last 20 min and then there is nothing that can keep me out of that room. Sigh...I swear babies create that special cry to keep their momma close...hehe

1st bday party

Hmmmm what to do for a First Birthday Party? Of course I want everything to be super special and perfect. But she is not gonna know the difference really... Here is what I know so far...I want a pink cake for her...me and one of her grandmas are gonna make and I am gonna use the cake topper from my babyshower...and I wanna get banners and napkins that say 1st Birthday and and I wanna make her a t-shirt that says 1st bday..... and balloons...and oh I wish I could have a cake like on the show cake boss...but I will save that for when the princess has a lil kids bday in school...hehehe we shall see...its all family and grown ups for guest anyways so they are gonna not care for all my pink ideas...haha no matter what its gonna be a great day! I am sooo excited...and a lil said that her first year is already over. Maybe she will have a tooth for her bday...she will not walk yet for sure...

Sweet mommy success.....

or did I just get lucky?

So Sunday after the park my lil angel was asleep within 2o minutes, yesterday within 12 min

and today all I had to do is to read her good night story twice and she had her eyes closed....then I walked out and she cried for a minute and then she was asleep...

Sweeeet!!!!

I am sooo proud of myself that I made it thru all the crying...I know its probably not over yet.

But this good, I can do it!!!

we love the outdoors

so me and the lil lady love to be outdoors... we go walking twice a day otherwise my lil girl will not sleep. She loves snoozing in fresh air no matter if it is cold, raining or hot...she is a real fresh air fanatic...haha So you would think all this walking would make me loose some weight, but nah I had to stop eating like a horse first...I am now deprieving myself of a lot of foods for a while ...10 more pounds till my pre pregnancy jeans... but y'all dont worry about me I am still sneaking in a small piece of pie here and there...hehe And once we got this sleep thing down I will exercise more too. Hey I gotta be bikini ready so I can go to the pool with my girl and her grandma. Today was an absolutely beautiful warm day and I hope we will have another one today so we can hang out in the backyard...we got a new swing we gotta try out. yeap we love the outdoors and pretty soon we are ready for lil day trips

sleep training

so my newest project is sleep training. and it sucks. So my lil one has always slept in her own bed...but for a few weeks now she cries as soon as I put her near the bed. So we have started sleep training...meaning I have to let her cry and cannot take her out except for changing diaper... The first night I cried...the second I cleaned the whole appartment the third night I cleaned again...so lets see how long this takes cause it is like pure torture for me. Sigh

doing good

quick update we are doing good..no we are doing great. trying to settle into a bed routine. boy that is not easy but I am soo enjoying being a mommy no matter how hard it is sometimes Happy Spring will try to organize my time better and blog more often

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

Happy Valentines Day everyone!

I think for the past 10 years I never had a Valentine.....somehow I always ended up single on this happy day....well I guess I am a little romatically challenged anyway.
Usually I am always depressed on VDay....
This year I don't need a man...I have my lil angel that smiles at me and scratches at me and kicks me...that is good enough for me.
She is my angel and I love her soooooooooooo much.
Happy Valentines Day to the Love of my Life....my lil daughter.

should I start a new blog?

So I have been thinking about this for a while and got an encouraging comment as well.
I really would like to start a new blog just about being a mom but then I always think my life of mommyhood would just be soooo plain boring ...haha
although it keeps me busy.

But we really don't do anything really exciting or interesting.
We are slowly building our lil routines. Like a going to bed routine and we are doing pretty darn good. We gotten over the first cold, started waiving ....
and are babbling up a storm.
Still no crawling but working on it.

Life is technically really boring cause we really don't do much but to me it is exciting with every new day because I get to see that lil smile and be excited about all the new stuff my lil angel figures out every day.

It's funny how long it took for me to realize she really is mine...I can't even explain it.

Somedays I wish she would crawl or walk already and somedays I wish she would be 3 weeks old again....sigh